Why good love is hard to find, the kind of women you should avoid and the best mindset for attracting the right women.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who met a girl at a coffee shop they both frequent. There’s been lots of flirting, texting and talking about getting together, but it never happens. He asks what he’s doing wrong that is preventing success.
The second email is from a guy who made a bad choice in his first wife, recovered from his mistakes and has moved on to create a better life for himself thanks to what he learned from my work. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
We’ve got two emails that I’m going to go through with you today, and I took a little bit of inspiration from one of my favorite musicians, being obviously the late, great Mr. Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers. It’s a really good song called “You Got Lucky,” but part of the chorus is “Good love is hard to find.” And what’s interesting is I’ve thought about doing a video on this particular song over the years, and I was thinking about it over the weekend, and then as I was going through the emails this morning, these two hit me, because both of these guys are making not very good choices.
One of them did make a good choice in the past, but he learned from it, obviously, because of what he learned from yours truly in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man.” And the first guy, he’s young, you can tell, and he’s getting all excited about his emotions and what he thinks about this girl, but he’s ignoring something that’s like a big red flag because he’s all wrapped up in his emotions and how much he likes this girl.
Part of being successful not only just in your personal life, but your professional life is being a good judge of character — being able to recognize when people are good for you, good to you, good for your soul, and they’re the kind of people that are going to help you reach your full potential. And if you happen to be in a deficit, if you will, — meaning how you perceive yourself, you don’t think you’re good enough or you don’t think you’re worthy — you’re going to tend to gravitate towards putting up with things and putting up with people that just are not good for you and not good to you. And that can really make life difficult, because eventually you’re going to realize that you made a bad choice.
So ideally, you want to find these things out before you get too deep in any kind of personal or professional relationship with these kinds of people. Because you really have to be good at recognizing a good quality person from a bad quality person, because let’s face it, there’s a lot of low quality people out there that are just going to bring all kinds of drama and unpleasant things into your life.
It’s like all of the things I talk about in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” and then later my second book, “Mastering Yourself,” which is a book about self-reliance. I made a lot of mistakes, and I continue to make lots of mistakes in my life, but that’s one of the reasons why I learned so much and I know so much more than the average person does, because I’m always studying, I’m always learning, I’m always refining my approach, always trying to get better, trying to learn more, trying to grow more, and obviously, most importantly, trying to have fun. Because the reality is, this journey is not going to last forever, and I want to have a damn good time.
So with that said, I’m going to jump into the first guy’s email, and I’m probably going to go back and forth a little bit to some of the lyrics in Tom Petty’s song “You Got Lucky,” because he sings some truths in that song about people, especially relationships. And what I like about the song and the words is that he’s noticing that the woman he’s involved with doesn’t seem to be reciprocating the same level of interest and effort. And his attitude is, “You got lucky when you found me, and if you think you can do better, go. I dare you.”
It’s kind of like what I talked about in the video that I did last week called, “Dare Her To Find Someone Better.” If you love yourself and you value yourself and somebody’s not appreciating what you bring to the table, dare them to go find somebody else. You want them to go find somebody else, and maybe they do. Because if you care about somebody, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. Why would you want to be with somebody that has mediocre interest in you and is not making the effort? Because if you do, you’re always going to be frustrated and you’re going to be irritated. And what happens, guys that do these kinds of things get mad at the other person for not reciprocating, which you’ll kind of see in the second guy’s email.
First Viewer’s Email:
Hello Coach Corey,
I hope you are doing great man and wanted to bring this potential coaching story for your newsletter to your attention. There is a lot to unpack and I’d love to hear what I should have done better, so I can work on it.
I met this girl at a coffee shop we both study in, (I had seen her a couple of times before, and we exchanged eye contact for a bit). One day I went up to her and we talked, and she was enjoying it. After talking 2-3 times over 2 weeks, I asked her out for drinks and she said, “That is so nice, but I have a boyfriend.”
So the smart man goes, “Hmm, what does that mean? My life’s a drama free zone, and she just told me she has a boyfriend, when I’m interested.” You say, “Oh, cool. He’s lucky, dude. Well, let me give you my number, and if for some reason it doesn’t work out, get in touch with me.” That’s how I would handle that situation, but is that how this guy handles it?
I told her it was no worries and she still wanted to exchange numbers. That day, we joked a bit over text and then I never contacted her.
So far, so good.
After about a week she said she was drinking and wanted to hang out.
Remember, she’s got a boyfriend.
I was busy at work, so I told her we could meet at 10, but she asked for a rain check. I invited her out 2 times over the next two weeks and both times she said she was busy, so I decided to not message her again.
Yeah, in these kinds of situations where you encounter a woman that’s got a boyfriend, you don’t keep reaching out and trying to set dates, because she has a boyfriend. Because right now you’re encouraging her to cheat, and obviously this guy is young and he doesn’t have a lot of life experience, and he thought kind of like I did when I was his age. You know, you see enough movies, you’re thinking, “Hey, it’s meant to be. This is what happens in the movies. You meet, she’s taken, you’re taken, and maybe you’re both taken, and then fate intervenes and we magically end up together by the end of the movie, because it’s just so beautiful in movies.”
But the reality is he’s trying to encourage her to cheat, and it looks like potentially, she might be the type of girl to cheat, maybe not. Because it’s obvious she’s reaching out and talking to another guy when she supposedly is in an exclusive relationship with somebody else. But remember, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” sex has to be the man’s fault. So in this case, it’s like her saying “I have a boyfriend,” and yet you keep trying, and so you eventually do hook up with her. Then she has absolved herself from any responsibility for the sex because she did tell you, “Hey, I’ve got a boyfriend, but if you’re successful in seducing me, it’s not my responsibility that I cheated on my boyfriend.” That’s kind of her attitude, obviously.
After that, we would meet in the coffee shop every once in a while and talk for about 20-30 minutes. Conversation was great. One day, I messaged her a picture of an event that reminded me of her and that became a very flirty conversation.
Well, you’re kind of acting like the chick there. But again, you’re pursuing a chick that has a boyfriend.
She would even text me twice, (after I only liked her messaged), and respond immediately to my texts. The conversation ended with her suggesting we have a two-person party on the weekend. So, on Thursday I told her we should go out Friday. She said she was busy until 6 and suggested we do Sunday instead. I told her I could only do Sunday in the afternoon because I was busy at night. She said that bars would be closed because of Covid, so I invited her to my place and she didn’t respond.
Well, keep in mind, you haven’t had a date yet and you’re basically just saying, “Hey, why don’t you come over and we’ll have sex?” I know you didn’t say that, but that’s basically what that means. You’ve got to take time to warm up to that level.
I saw her on Friday by coincidence and we talked for 2 hours, and she was super flirty and even said she had nothing to do that night. So, I messaged her and we talked, but the moment I invited her to hang out she started doing house chores, so I said, “No worries you just missed out on a fun night.”
So obviously she’s enjoying the attention and the validation that he’s giving her, because more than likely she’s not getting that from her boyfriend. She talks about getting together, dangles the carrot and then goes, “Oh, I’ve got some house chores to do right now. Shucks, I guess you’re not going to be able to meet tonight.” Drama free zone, man. This is how you get drama in your life, when you continue driving down this road. Bad way to go, my friend.
She liked the message the next day and then replied to it 2 days later saying, “sorry just saw this.” I replied “Ha-ha you’re good.”
Well, the fact that she liked the message and then says, “Oh, I just saw this,” she’s full of crap. She did it on purpose. That’s another thing, women that have low interest or they’re kind of toying with you, and you could see, they’ll be a little snarky like this. “Oh, I just I just saw the message.” She didn’t just see the message. She did that on purpose. Or, “Oopsie, I forgot to reply to your last message after several days.” No, she’s just acting like she doesn’t give a shit and doesn’t respect you. I mean, at the end of the day you’re trying to get her to cheat on her boyfriend. So you’re not acting like a dude that has integrity anyway, so you shouldn’t be surprised that you’re getting kind of jerked around.
Since then, I plan on not giving her much attention. I am trying to understand what I have done wrong, which is making her act so hot and cold.
Thanks and best!
Come on, man. She has a boyfriend. Duh. You’re acting like the boyfriend is not there, because you think you’re going to be some ‘Captain Save-a-Hoe,’ some white knight in shining armor. It just doesn’t work that way, dude. Does not work that way.
So, what I would have done, like I said in the beginning, I would have given her your number and said “Hey, if it doesn’t work out, get in touch.” And if she does get in touch, invite her to meet you out. Assume that she’s not with the dude anymore. But if she tells you she’s still got a boyfriend, just say, “Hey, I’m not interested in going out with you as long as you have a boyfriend.” You could always qualify that at the beginning and just say, “Well, you know, if you’ve got a boyfriend, I’m not interested, but why don’t to take my number. Because who knows, maybe it doesn’t work out or whatever. And definitely get in touch if it doesn’t work out, and let me know.” And then if she reaches out, you assume that it probably didn’t work out, and then you’ll try to set a date. But here, you’re trying to encourage a woman to cheat. It’s no bueno at all.
Back to the Tom Petty, the whole reason why I came up with this. In the lyrics, the very beginning of the song starts out, he says, “You better watch what you say, you better watch what you do to me. Don’t get carried away.” And then he says, “Girl, if you can do better than me, go. Yeah, go. But remember, good love is hard to find.” So what I like about the verse is that he’s recognized, well at least it would seem to be saying, that this woman is not treating him the way he wants to be treated. She’s a little arrogant and a little full of herself, maybe jerking him around a little bit, and has kind of got the attitude like she’s treating him like she doesn’t value him very much. And his attitude is, “Hey, if you think you can do better than me, go.”
And then the next part after the verse “Good love is hard to find,” he says, “You got lucky, babe. You got lucky, babe, when I found you.” So he’s turned it around, he’s like, “I’m a high value guy. You got lucky when you met me. I’m doing you a favor.” It’s a great attitude. I absolutely love this song. It’s one of my favorites. I was really crushed when I heard Tom Petty passed away. It really bummed me out. Just like when Glen Fry died of the Eagles. I was crushed. Those are bummers. Those are real fucking bummers. But that’s life, it turns everybody to dust — all the people you look up to, all the people you love, eventually, poof! We’re all dust in the wind, like the Kansas song.
And then the last part of this verse, which I like, he says, “You put a hand on my cheek, and then you turn your eyes away. If you don’t feel complete, if I don’t take you all of the way, then go, yeah, go. But remember, good love is hard to find.” So he’s basically saying, “If I don’t do it for you, if I’m not setting your soul on fire, get the hell out of here. I’m not going to waste my time with you. I’m doing you a favor.” So it just kind of sounds like this particular woman wasn’t reciprocating interest to him, and he’s like, “I’ll find somebody else.” That’s the kind of attitude you want to have.
And that kind of attitude would have helped the first guy’s email, because he’s putting out the vibration that he’s okay with screwing around, in other words, trying to rip off some other guy’s girlfriend. And number one, it’s kind of dangerous, it’s stupid and it’s unnecessary. And you’re sending the signal to the universe that it’s okay to send low integrity people into your life. Maybe the karma you get for that is somebody comes into your life that you think is your friend, and they steal a bunch of money from you, or they take your car without asking and then wreck it. Who knows, I mean, that’s the way life works, so it’s a bad way to go. Just like the mug says, Drama Free Zone. You’re inviting drama in your life, dude. So knock that shit off.
So let’s go to the second guy’s e-mail. This guy, obviously, he got burned pretty badly. I won’t give you the details yet, because you’ve got to listen as I go through the email, but he learned from it and I love getting emails like this from dudes like this that tell me how my first book “How To Be A 3% Man” turned their lives around. It gives guys hope, because then they recognize, “It’s not really my fault, a lot of these things, because yeah, I picked the bad choice.” When they’re able to objectively look at the woman that they’re upset about and they can see her for what she really is, that she’s just a low quality prospect, it’s like, “Oh!”
I’ve just done thousands of phone sessions over the years with guys that are just absolutely distraught about women they were involved with. It could have been a wife, it could have been a girlfriend, a girl they were dating, whatever. And then after they explain everything to me and I point out all these character flaws, it’s like, dude, there’s no way you were ever going to have a healthy relationship with her. Even now, even if you get her back and get another chance with her, when the same circumstances come up, she’ll do the same thing all over again.
And, man, it’s just so nice to hear a guy that’s absolutely distraught in the beginning of a phone session, and then by the end of it, he’s laughing, he’s joking around, and it’s like all of the weight’s lifted off his shoulders, because now he sees the woman for what she really is. He’s like, “Oh, I was so silly to even think she could be a good prospect.” So, I love that part of my work. I love seeing that, because it’s freeing. So instead of obsessing over something for many months, we’ll literally talk for an hour, and the guy can move on from that because then he gets clarity.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’m writing to say thank you for all you do. I’ve been following you now for 3 months. I bought both of your books in audio. I have fished “How To Be A 3% Man” 5 times and “Mastering Yourself” once so far.
The good news is, with “How To Be A 3% Man,” it’s all about pickup, dating, relationship skills, and then obviously “Mastering Yourself “ is a book about self-reliance and your purpose, your mission, figuring out what that is, dealing with haters and just the whole process. And I go through all the stories, all the ups and downs over the course of three or four decades of my life, and explain how the events that happened in my life affected me, what I learned from it, and how all that experience, and all those fuck-ups and all those failures enable me to do what I do today and make it look and sound effortless. And obviously be able to teach this stuff and have some random dude on the internet that I don’t know read my books, watch my videos, and then just to have these amazing success stories that I read from time to time. And that’s cool, too — that people can learn from what I went through, and I’m able to effectively teach them in a way that dramatically changes their life. It’s very rewarding.
Still have a lot more to go. I also listen to your YouTube videos 5 hours a day 6 days a week.
That’s a lot of time, dude. I appreciate your dedication. That tells me you’re a serious student and you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve hit the wall and you’re like, “That’s it. No more of this. I will never tolerate this kind of stuff in my life ever again.“
I am 34 years old and have been married for 13 years. Also have 3 kids. Before I got married, I was always successful with women and worked hard for what I wanted. I had my own construction business and owned my home and land by the age of 21.
Yeah, you’re a high achiever, dude. That’s pretty awesome. Most people don’t have the guts to do that. And therefore, you’re obviously a high quality prospect because you’re a high achiever. Like Nick Saban said, “Mediocre people don’t like high achievers, and high achievers don’t like mediocre people.”
The first 8 years of my marriage, my goal was to provide a better life for my family and to make sure they were always happy. I sold my construction business, went back to college and got a degree. Always went after my dreams.
Till I caught my wife cheating on me with 3 of my cousins who I thought were my best friends, my brothers.
Ouch. So it’s like your own family is banging your girl — I guess three of them. That’s pretty fucking ruthless and harsh. They are definitely off the Christmas card list. You know, when you’ve got sedition in your own family, and they do something shitty like this is, obviously, they don’t care. They’re selfish. These are the kind of people you’ve got to manage the distance with and your life, even though their family.
You know, it’s interesting, as I was going through this, I had a guy that used to work for me years ago. And this is back when I was in real estate, before I got into doing this full time. He and his wife came to me because they were having problems, and I worked with them and shared what I knew — you know, coaching and helping people. Their marriage got great and they totally turned things around. I remember them walking into a meeting, and they were laughing and joking about how much sex they’d been having in the past week and how happy they were. I was happy for them.
Shortly after that, they both moved away. I assumed they just went and lived happily ever after. Then I remember a couple of years later, he emails me because he kind of went back to the old way of doing things. But he kind of made a bad choice to begin with, because she was kind of a trashy chick and she left him for one of his cousins. So if you treat women like this good, they’re loyal and faithful for the most part, but as soon as you start screwing up and they’re not happy, they just go and fuck somebody else. It’s just the way they think. It’s just like the song says, “Good love is hard to find.”
She came from a broken family, and I knew before marrying her she was a cheater, but as you say I had my blinders on.
He knew about the red flags, knew her history, but he’s like, “I’m going to be different. I’m Captain Save-a-Hoe.”
I was numb and dead inside till I found your work. You gave me life again, and I’m chasing my dreams once more.
Thank you Coach. I tried to keep it short.
Well, thanks for that. And I’m proud of you, dude. I mean, that’s a tough thing to come back from, but the reality is, you’re an amazing dude. You’ve done all these amazing things in your life, and you just made a crappy choice for the woman that you chose to marry. Now you’ve learned from that mistake, and obviously now you’ve got the tools in your hands, “How To Be A 3% Man,” to turn things around.
And for those of you that haven’t read either of my books, obviously you can read “How To Be A 3% Man” and “Mastering Yourself” for free and UnderstandingRelationships.com, all you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. Obviously, the drama free zone mugs are available at Teespring.com in the Coach Corey Wayne store, If you’re so inclined to remind yourself every day to say “My life’s a drama free zone.”
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Like money, quality friends and lovers don’t grow on trees. They are like finding precious diamonds in the most unlikely and unexpected places when you are not even trying to find them. They seem to find you and it’s always easy and effortless being with them. Friction and resistance are life’s way of letting us know that our approach is flawed, not optimized properly or needs improvement. That is why the novice struggles and those who have reached mastery make it look easy. Doing things the hard way is tiring and frustrating, but by learning from our mistakes, measuring what’s working and what’s not and refining our approach, over time we can achieve mastery and make our successes look easy to the novice.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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