Got Friend Zoned. Now She’s Back. What’s Next?

What you should do when you get friend zoned, walked away but now she’s back to rekindle the romance.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 27-year-old viewer who had a college crush reach out to him to say she was moving to Colorado where he lived. They texted a lot and talked on video chat, which led to her friend zoning him. She has tried several times to keep him in friend zone, but he refuses.

Now she is finally about to arrive in Colorado but is still trying to friend zone him. He wonders what he should do to progress things to romance when he hears from her once she gets into town. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Remember, attraction cuts through everything. As Doc Love would have said, “interest level cuts through everything.” And it does. So, in this particular case, the woman says, “I’ve got all of these rules here. Why don’t you jump through your butt and maybe you’ll get a peck on the cheek.” And he’s like, “Nah, not interested in that.” And so, what’s neat is this girl keeps contacting him. And so, for those of you guys that are familiar with 3% Man, you know my experience when I was in a similar position with a girl I really liked.

And you will see, as we go through the email, she’s going to try a bunch of different ways to see if you will acquiesce to being put in friend zone. And if you do, then you’re strictly going to be a friend. But if you continue to stand up for yourself and what you want, and you’re like, “Hey, I’m interested in romance, I’m not interested in being pals,” one of two things will happen; she’ll either stop contacting you or she’ll be like, “Alright, we can go out on a date.”

And a big part of what creates attraction, especially in this case, is just saying no. Because this guy has obviously displayed enough unattractive behavior, enough beta male type of behavior, which quite frankly, she’s probably seen at this point in her life thousands of times from other guys that have behaved the same way. And none of those guys ever recovered from it. But on some level, there’s probably some kind of physical attraction. She finds him cute or whatever, but when he acts so nice and compliant and too much like a beta male, she just is not turned on enough to want to actually date the guy.

And so, him being firm and remaining firm, because she’s been able to obviously get him to cave in the past, but at least this time he’s not. And so, the fact that she’s still reaching out, I mean, if women are still pursuing you and reaching out to you and chasing you, they’re not dumping you, they’re not getting rid of you, they’re not ghosting you. And so, there’s still a chance when the woman is still making the effort to keep in contact.

Plus, quite frankly, you’re a bit of a challenge. And every other guy that she’s done this to has typically complied and gone along with friendship, hoping that someday they’ll get out of it once she sees what a great guy they are. But this dude is doing a good job of sticking to his guns. Despite whatever happened in the past that got him friendzoned in the first place, at least up until now, he’s been unwilling to cave. And you can’t be consistent nine out of ten times.

You’ve got to be consistent ten out of ten times. Because if she asked you to be friends ten out of ten times and nine of the times, you say “no way,” and then ten times you start doing friendship and platonic things, then through your actions, you’re complying with friend zone. In other words, you don’t have the balls to stand up to her and say, “Thanks, but no thanks. If you’re not interested in romance, then it’s cool with me that we never speak again.” Because the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.

If somebody doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated, and you continually try to set healthy boundaries, and they always violate them, the only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation. If you’re stuck in friend zone and you don’t want to be there, you leave, you stop interacting with her. You stop hanging out with her, and you refuse to do it unless romance is on the table. And if romance ain’t on the table, you ain’t interested.

If somebody’s not treating you properly, is abusing you, they have a binary choice. They can treat you how you want to be treated and be nice, or they can go on down the road. And that’s part of what loving and valuing yourself is, is standing up for yourself and your principles and your values and not compromising. Life is too short to put up with people who will not treat you the way you want to be treated. And obviously, in this case, when it comes to friend zone, you just simply are never, ever going to agree to do anything platonic with her. Unless of course you’re friendzoning her. But that’s not the case. This guy wants to date.

Apparently, she’s days away, or maybe weeks away, from finally arriving in Colorado, and she’s still reaching out and still letting him know that she’s on the way. And, “Oh, by the way, I’m not planning on dating anybody for six months.” She’s throwing that rule out there, and it’s kind of like dangling the carrot a little bit. You’ll see as we get towards the end of the email, seeing if he’ll be like, “Okay, well, maybe in six months. Alright. I’ll wait it out.”

You can’t submit, you can’t comply with that. Women are clever, they’re crafty. They’re going to try 100 different ways to get you to comply with being a beta male. And as long as you don’t, the attraction goes up enough, and they’ll submit to you. That’s what they’re supposed to do. They’re supposed to surrender to you. When you think about sex and the act of sex between a man and a woman, she is surrendering to him. He’s penetrating her with his strength.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I appreciate all your hard work and everything you do! I’m 27, and about a year ago I moved to Colorado for a new job. A college crush of mine reached out to let me know she was also moving to Colorado in a year. She started texting me several times a day for a few months straight. She did 100% of the texting.

That’s a lot of texting. When you text with somebody every single day for several months, then they expect that you’re always available. So, that’s a bad way to go. Plus, most guys, you’ll do it at first, but after six months, a year or two, you don’t want to be on the phone, texting all of the time, especially pressing on those little things with your thumbs. It’s like, I don’t think so. It’s a pain in the ass. I don’t want to do it. Short, to the point.

You know, with the messaging apps, whether you’ve got Instagram, WhatsApp, and all these others, it’s just a constant barrage. And men who are busy and productive just don’t have time for that crap, nor do they want to be involved in it. Besides, the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody.

I would text her for a bit and then say I had to run. Her plan was to sell her house and move to Colorado within a year. I was really interested in this girl, but I didn’t like the idea of being texting buddies for a whole year.

Yeah, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t be wasting my time doing that. You know, worst case, if you really liked her and she’s really into you, then you could have said, “Hey, let’s get together. Let’s meet up somewhere for a weekend,” or, “Hey, I’ll come back to town or whatever to visit family. Let’s go out on a date.” And then you can see how it goes. Because no matter how the texting goes, or the FaceTime chats, or the Skype video calls, or whatever, if there’s no chemistry when you’re together in person, it’s a moot point.

I traveled back home to visit my family and ended up setting a date with her. We hung out for two days, but the sexual chemistry wasn’t there. She’s a bit of an introvert and gave off friend vibes the entire time.

Well, you had spent all those months texting with her, so you had become her digital texting pen pal. So, that’s on you.

I was too nervous to make a move…

That’s part of your problem. That’s why she was always a “crush” in college. You pedestalized her, and she could tell. But, obviously, on some level, she must have thought he was cute, or cute enough. But he still wasn’t man enough to stand up for himself, and in this case, to go for what he wants, because he’s holding back and he’s being nervous, but he’s ignoring the fact that this girl was texting him constantly, every day for months. So, obviously she was interested in him.

And I don’t know when he came across my work, but if he knew what was in the book, he could use the kiss test, and he’d be able to tell right away if she was open to being kissed. And then, he wouldn’t be so nervous or worried about it.

…until the last night when I finally kissed her. I was just waiting for a sign to make a move, instead of going after what I wanted in the moment.

Well, if she’s playing with her hair, she’s touching your arm, if she’s standing extra close to where she’s bumping into you, those are the kinds of things that a woman does when she’s basically saying, “Hey, I’m open to being touched.” It’s like her invitation to escalate it a little further, potentially.

I figured it was time to back off on the texting and I started trying to set up FaceTime dates instead when she texted me. A month later, she told me she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be more than friends right now. I declined and told her to get in touch if she changed her mind. 

She reached back out about two months later to let me know she was in town and wanted to see me. I invited her over to my place, and she said she wanted to meet up for lunch instead to catch up, as she had plans later that night with her girlfriend. I declined and told her to contact me if change her mind.

Almost a year later, she texted me again to tell me she is moving here in two months. I told her to reach back out when she gets here. She responded with, “Do you only want to hang out if it’s a date? Because I did make a firm commitment to myself to not date for the first 6 months I’m there, and I really want to stick to it!” I reinstated that I’m not interested in being friends and told her to reach out if she changes her mind.

That’s the proper response. She’s trying another way to friend zone him to see if he’s compliant, because obviously he’s been very squishy in the past.

Two months later, she called to let me know she was on her way to Colorado permanently.

Keep in mind, she’s still pursuing, she’s still making the effort. Obviously, there’s still interest.

I kept the conversation to 2-3 minutes and told her to call me when she gets settled in.

Again, still the right response.

My question for you, Coach, is when she reaches back out, should I invite her over to my place to make dinner together?

Yes, that’s the correct response. As we discuss in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” your job is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and to hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, and you escalate things just like we talk about in the book.

Or should I meet her for a drink?

You absolutely should not meet her for a drink. You know this girl well enough. You’ve talked enough, you’ve already been on a date. She keeps trying to friend zone you, and the greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift of your time. If a woman is trying to friend zone you and has stuck you in friend zone, and you don’t want to do that, you don’t go meet them out for a drink. You don’t pick him up, you don’t go on a date, or any of that nonsense. Why? Because she has to earn another chance with you, not not the other way around.

Since she’s the one that screwed it up, she’s got to fix it. And so, the attitude and the mindset that you should have is, “I’m open to giving her another chance if these things change.” And so, when you’ve got a girl that has stayed in touch off and on over the course of a year or so, obviously there’s interest, but every time she talks to you, it’s like, “Hey, let’s just be friends.” It’s like, “Hey, how about a nice case of blue balls for your trouble?” He’s going to be like, “No, I don’t think so. I don’t want that. I’m not interested in that. But I’m open to you coming over and we can make dinner together.”

Because, when you make plans in the evening to make dinner together and the girls coming over to your place to make dinner, women know that sex is on the table. This is a romantic type of thing. This is not a platonic thing. Meeting a girl out for a drink or coffee, or going to lunch or that other bullshit, you’re agreeing to do things on her terms, and then she’s going to want to lecture you about being stuck in friend zone. Therefore, you’re not going to put a bunch of energy and trying to get together with somebody that’s using the F word.

If a girl is mentioning friend zone, it’s like, I’m not moving my ass off my couch other than maybe to go to the front door to unlock it and let her in when she comes over to make dinner with me. But I’m not getting in my car and driving across town when all this girl has been doing is offering me blue balls for the last year or so. It’s going to be like, no. So it has to be on your terms, and you want to see that she’s going to comply with your wishes, and submit to you, and go along with what it is that you want.

We’ve only kissed and have never hooked up before, so I’m not quite sure which is the appropriate route to take from here. 

All the best,

Bob

Well, you should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” I mean, this is literally textbook exactly what I went through with a girlfriend of mine when we were going back and forth like this. It got to that point, and even though she was still calling and texting me every week or so, it was still the F word, the friend word. And I was like, no. And even though she was reaching out, I stopped mentioning getting together. And then she eventually brought up us getting together. And then I made plans in the evening to make dinner together.

She agreed, and she came over, we made dinner, and we hooked up that night. But I was literally stuck in friend zone, and I had gone out on plenty of dates. And so, going out on another date and hanging out with her and not getting anywhere was pointless. Again, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. So, in this particular case, he walked away, and he meant it. But again, she’s got to come to him. Even though they haven’t slept together, it doesn’t matter. She has to come to him, and it has to be on his terms.

And so, dude, you’re like right there. You’re that close to getting to the promised land with this girl, so you don’t want to give up on the one-yard line. And like I said, I’d be following exactly what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Sex and romance is the only thing you’re interested in. You’re not interested in anything platonic. If she’s interested in things that are platonic, there’s plenty of beta males in Colorado that she can go hang out with and have something platonic with, but you ain’t interested. You don’t get what you deserve in life, you only get what you negotiate.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.