Have I Become Too Picky & Spoiled By My Past Relationships?

How to know if you’re too picky & spoiled by your past relationships.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has arrived at a place of peace and certainty about his ability to attract and keep the women he wants. He used to date and hookup a lot more girls when he was single. Now he’s very picky and doesn’t date and hookup as much as he did in the past. He wonders if he’s now spoiled and his skills will decline since he doesn’t date very much anymore.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is from a viewer who has been following me for about nine years. I’ve answered some previous newsletters or emails of his in previous newsletters, and so he’s basically gotten to a place where he’s really good. He really understands the book, but he’s noticed that as he’s gotten better and he’s had several relationships, women that he would have loved to have dated and hooked up with years before, he won’t even give the time of day to.

And so now he realizes he doesn’t really go out. He doesn’t date very much. And that kind of worries him a little bit because he’s like, “Are my skills going to atrophy because I’m not dating like I was before?”

And so he sends in a good email, but he’s actually in a really good place. This is where you get to when you really know the book well. Good people that are good to you, good for your soul, they very rarely come around. And as you get better and the quality of the women that you’re able to attract gets better, the quality of the people that you spend your life with gets better.

Because at the end of the day, the quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the people that you consistently spend your time with. And the harsh reality is, there’s not a lot of great-quality people in the world that you’re going to jive with. So that is normal.

So this is ideally where you want to get to because you’re just going to be more selective, and you’re not going to be willing to put up with the kind of BS that you may have put up with in the past. Because most guys are just desperate to take whatever they can get, whatever kind of scraps they can get.

But when you really understand this stuff and you really become a high-value person, you’re going to be cautious, you’re going to be selective, and you’re not going to give your time to people who don’t really deserve it. But when you don’t know any better, you got to practice. It’s kind of like the shotgun approach, if you will.

But as you get good with using the shotgun, you learn to get a little bit better with the rifle, so to speak, or the laser, if you will, and you zoom in on the targets that are most ripe and most beneficial for you and where you’re at in life.

Viewer Email:

Hello, Coach!

Hope this email finds you well.

I’ve been following you for about 9 years now, and you previously responded to an email of mine with a video titled Getting My Confidence Back After Breaking Up With My Girlfriend in 2023. I’ve been a member for 18 months, and I love the content. Thank you for everything you do!

Well, I appreciate that.

A lot has happened since. I eventually became comfortable with myself again by following your advice, met and hooked up with a lot of new women, and I met the girl who would become my third girlfriend. She was everything that I had written on my list for the most important qualities I wanted in a partner: fun, funny, super hot, charming, and very kind.

Eventually, though, as I grew and matured, my list of priorities changed, and I realized that as much as I loved that girlfriend, I just wasn’t seeing a future with her in the long term, and I decided to break up after 2 years.

This brings me to my question regarding my current situation.

How many guys are in that situation? And they don’t understand women. They’ve never read my book. They don’t understand it, and they feel trapped. They feel like they’ve got to be with that one person. Or what happens if they go and be single and the next girl is worse?

I mean, that kind of mindset is what caused me to go ahead and get married and stay married. But ultimately, I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t listening to my intuition. It never felt right. And so the idea is you don’t want to make those kinds of big mistakes, especially getting into a marriage with somebody you don’t want to be with because you feel like you got no other choices and no other options.

The idea is you want to have an abundance mentality. And once you understand how attraction works, you can attract and keep the women that you want for as long as you want to. But you’re going to attract women that, in the beginning, you’re really into. But after you’ve been together for a couple of years, like he started to recognize, “I don’t really see a future with this girl.”

And since he knows he can get somebody else, he’s going to end the relationship, as hard as it is. All breakups suck. I’ve never had a breakup that was a load of fun or that didn’t hurt. They all sucked. It’s all like ripping your heart out. But as you gain experience, you gain wisdom in life, and you realize you got choices. You realize, really, there is another bus every 15 minutes.

And if something doesn’t feel right with the woman you’re with, or a business partnership, or a company you’re working for, or the path that you happen to be on, you got to learn to listen to that and take corrective action.

Like one of the things that Steve Jobs used to say, which I love, I often mention this in other videos, is that every day he got up, he looked in the mirror, and he said, “If today’s my last day on Earth, would I want to do what I’m about to do today?” And when the answer was no too many days in a row, he knew he needed to change something.

So, but again, a guy that doesn’t understand how attraction works, women are confusing. Like there was a post on Twitter about Tom Brady and Gisele and how Gisele was, like, pleading with Tom to spend more time with her and the kids. I guess she’s written about this in a book. And the reality is, she kept complaining he needed to spend more time, and he would promise to do it, and then he never would follow through on it.

And my comment was, “If you don’t date and court your girlfriend or your wife, eventually some other guy will.” And that’s what happened. And I mean, she really dicked him down pretty hard. She cheated on him, slept with, and then left him for their jiu-jitsu instructor. Apparently, he was training both of them, but she spent a lot more time training. And, you know, that kind of physical activity when there’s attraction. He’s also Brazilian. Then you see what happens.

Tom’s not around. He’s neglecting her. He’s not paying attention. She’s telling him what she needs, and he says, “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” and he never does it. After a certain amount of time, women are going to give up.

And so I posted that, and I think that almost got, like, a million impressions, I think. Thousands, almost 10,000 likes. But you could see, just if you could look through the comments, all these guys that are beta, especially the red-pill guys in there that just don’t understand women. And their catch-all is, “Oh, it’s just modern women are screwed up. That’s the way it is, and nothing you can do about it.”

And I feel sad for those dudes because those are clearly guys that women bamboozle, and they’re confusing. They don’t understand how they operate. They’re frustrated by them. But yet they came across work that justifies, “Hey, it’s not your fault. It’s modern women. They’re all screwed up, so you don’t have to change anything.” And then, therefore, the guy never changes. He continues feeling like he’s in a scarcity mindset.

And then the normal, average Joe that would be in a relationship situation like this guy will go ahead and get married or stay, just like I did, even though it doesn’t feel right because he feels like he’s got no choices and no options.

And at the end of the day, when they look at statistics of longevity, like people that live the longest, it’s not necessarily being married. But what is indicative of people that live a long time is they have a really great relationship with somebody, whether it’s somebody you live with or a girlfriend. Could be a wife also.

But if you’re with somebody that you settled for or that makes you miserable and you feel trapped, you feel like you can’t do any better, that shit is going to shorten your life. It’s going to take decades off of your life, and it’s going to sap your enjoyment. So it really is a life-and-death issue here.

And for the guys, like I said, again, you can go look at the comments. It was, I think it was like Saturday, that post. I responded even now. I was, I—you know, people are, you know, calling me all kinds of names, and they’re all pissed off about it. But you can tell most women—most men are 97-percenters. They don’t get it. They’ll never take the time to read a book like mine, even though it’s free to read in the Members Area of my website, and they’ll just keep suffering.

But I mean, it’s nice to be at a place where you have a sense of peace that, “Hey, you know, as hard as it is, I’ll find somebody else. It’s just a matter of time.” Because when you understand how attraction works and you’ve been through, like this, in this guy’s case, this is his third girlfriend now, so he feels more comfortable ending a relationship when his internal intuition is going, “Yeah, this is—it’s time to move on.”

But again, if you don’t understand women, you’re going to feel trapped, and you’re going to make decisions based upon fear and scarcity that, quite frankly, will literally shorten your life. So back to his email.

I am now single again since April, and I am the most comfortable I’ve ever been since I can remember. The feeling of insecurity I had last time I wrote to you is gone, and I feel completely at peace with myself.

Well, that’s where I got to after my relationship with my girlfriend and her daughter, was that I no longer felt like I did. I wasn’t able to date the kind of woman that I wanted and keep her around. And then obviously I had my relationship with Katie after that, which was just absolutely fucking amazing.

And if you guys want to see the podcast that I did with her a few years ago, it’s in the Members Area, it’s on the website, it’s also on YouTube or Spotify and the Members Area. I think it was two, if I remember right, it was two, like, 2- or 3-hour podcasts with her. And we just answer viewer questions, what people wanted to know from the book.

And even all these years later, a decade and a half later, 17, 18 years later, I think it was about three years ago we filmed this. It’s like people can—you could see the chemistry, you can see the connection. There’s a soul connection between us that will always be there, even though we’re not together as a couple and haven’t been in a long time.

I mean, how many guys do you know that have girlfriends from a decade and a half or almost two decades ago that will come on their podcast and say all the great things about what it was like to be in a relationship with them? Not a lot of guys have that.

And it was great as a nice gift because then guys can see, “Okay, this is—now I can kind of see the connection on camera that Corey talks about.” But when you’ve dated somebody like that, your standards get so high. It’s like, you know, dating and just hooking up with random women is just like glorified masturbation. You want something that’s deeply fulfilling with somebody that you really want to be with and who also wants to be with you.

I’m really comfortable at my current job as an engineer, making good money while only working 3 days a week. I have an active social life with friends on the weekends, I’m in the best shape of my life, making excellent progress in the gym, I have ample free time, and I’m seeing my family more than ever since my nephew was born a couple months ago.

So it sounds like he also has control of his time. And really, what is success? Success is being able to spend your life in your own way. So he’s been a good student, probably read Mastering Yourself as well, I would assume by now. And implementing—I mean, the guy works three days a week. I mean, how awesome is that? Then you got four days to do whatever the hell you want.

It’s nice to be able to get up and work when you want and spend your time with who you want to spend it with, versus feeling like you’re stuck and you’re basically living your life according to other people’s expectations, which, again, that also will shorten your life. It saps your hope and your motivation.

I feel like I lack nothing in life (except maybe a more purposeful job), and that I’m at the point where I could take or leave meeting somebody.

Yeah, that’s the best place to be. Because when I was younger, it was like the—it was like climbing the mountain. It’s like winning the Stanley Cup or the Super Bowl trophy. It’s like you never had somebody that you walked around for, like, “I got the best that I could get.” You always felt like every time you had a chance, it’s like it always slipped through your fingers, like sands through the hourglass.

The thing is, my past 2 girlfriends since discovering your work have been so easy and effortless, and I liked them so much, that now I’m dating less than ever!

Yeah, that’s what happens. Because most people don’t measure up. But again, when you don’t have a lot of experience, you don’t know what you don’t know, and you got to practice. You got to try. You got to see what it’s like. It’s like Baskin-Robbins. You got to sample all those different flavors.

My last time being single, I was going out on dates constantly, and at one point I was constantly seeing 2 or 3 girls at the same time. Now I look back, and I realise I wouldn’t even give the time of day to some of those women. I feel like my standards have gotten too high.

Well, what you’re realizing, again, is like, there’s—how often do you meet a new best friend? It almost never comes along. It’s like, again, the podcast I did with Katie. How often do you meet somebody where you really click like that? It’s maybe 1 to 3 a decade you’re going to get of that.

And so when you always lose those girls, you always feel like, “What would it be like to be with somebody like that long-term?” And then you actually get to experience it, and then you get to a place where you have that sense of peace, like he’s talking about, like I did.

Because when you really understand the stuff that’s in the book, women become as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. And that enables you as a man to focus on other things like he is now.

Now he’s kind of looking at going, “You know what? I’m not really super fulfilled in the job that I have.” It gives him time to look around and see what else is out there. Or maybe there’s a lateral move in the company, or maybe there’s a different company out there or other opportunities.

Again, when you’re only working three days a week and you’re making enough money to live however you want, it gives you plenty of time to think and explore and research and figure out what you want to do with the next chapter of your life, and take measured steps and work a nice plan that doesn’t disrupt your lifestyle too much.

I have even hooked up with a couple girls since my last breakup, but honestly, I realize I didn’t even like them that much afterwards. I feel like casual sex has completely lost its appeal to me, and like going out with someone I don’t feel at least a spark with is a waste of my time. Is this normal? I’m worried that my high standards will make me date less and “lose my skills,” but at the same time I feel like I’m not meeting enough women that I like enough to date nowadays.

“I’ve even hooked up with a couple of girls since my last breakup, but honestly, I realized I didn’t even like them that much afterwards. I feel like casual sex has completely lost its appeal to me.” Well, that’s because you want the connection that you’re just not going to get with an average girl, no matter how hot she is, if you don’t really dig her. Again, it’s like glorified masturbation.

“And like going out with someone I don’t feel at least a spark with is a waste of my time. Is this normal?” Yep. Welcome to my world, my man. You have arrived.

“I’m worried that my high standards will make me date less and lose my skills.” Well, you’ll definitely date less, but if you just, at least every six months, go through the book one time, you’re not going to lose these skills because you spent several years in relationships.

And what you noticed is you don’t feel like you’re lacking anything. You don’t feel inadequate around women in any way, shape, or form. You’re no longer bowled over by the woman that you feel is, like, too good for you. You don’t pedestalize women anymore. You just see them as they are, just another nice pink taco.

“But at the same time, I feel like I’m not meeting enough women that I like enough to date nowadays.”

What do you think, Coach? Should I worry about this?

No, not at all.

Or is it normal?

It’s totally normal.

Should I just “change the pond I’m fishing in?”

Well, that could be helpful too.

Have you ever gone through something similar? I’m curious to hear your opinion.

Bob

Well again, after my relationship with my girlfriend with the daughter, I was single for, I think it was about a year and a half. Might have been closer to two. It was almost two years, I think. And then that’s when I met Katie. And I only dated a handful of women after that.

But before the girlfriend with the daughter, I was just like you. I was dating a lot, trying to get experience, trying to learn this stuff because I’m practicing what’s in the book, practicing the stuff that I’m learning, fine-tuning everything. And when you’re doing that, you need a lot of—you need a lot of leads, if you will. You need a lot of prospects.

And then once you get with somebody that you really click with, you’re like, “Ah, okay, this is the way it’s supposed to be. This is what Coach was talking about.” And then after that, like I said, every time I’ve been single since, I didn’t really date a lot. It’s just not necessary because you know what it feels like when you really click.

And it’s like everybody can see it. Again, you can go watch the podcast with Katie and me, and you’re like, “There’s definitely a connection between those two that you don’t see very often. You don’t see amongst other people.”

And once you’ve had it and you spent several years in a relationship with somebody like that, and they stay and you know how to keep them happy, so they stick around and want to stick around, then you lose that fear. You lose that feeling of, like, inadequacy, or you don’t measure up, or, “Oh, I can’t really get the kind of girl that I want,” or, “Why is it all the girls I really like don’t want me, and the girls I don’t give a shit about are all over me?”

It’s like that just no longer becomes a part of your life. And so now you can be selective because, you know, again, you’ve had three girlfriends now, so you know what it’s like. But it takes time. Again, this is not an overnight thing. It’s not a quick fix. It’s not like you just read the book once and boom, your life just instantly is a thousand times better. It does get better.

But this stuff’s not easy because you’re dealing with your emotions. You’re dealing with your fears, your insecurities, your doubts, and the only way to overcome them is to constantly be feeling those insecurities, those fears, and those doubts and taking the correct action anyway.

And again, when you spend a year and a half, two years in a relationship with somebody that knocks your socks off, you just lose that because you learn to recognize how to adapt, when to move forward, when to back off, when you need to communicate more, when you need to spend more time.

And since you’re dating somebody that’s easygoing, easy to get along with, and who’s nice to you, their feedback is nice and it’s sweet. It’s not like a constant barb or a shit test or kicking you in the balls all the time or being really nasty to you like a lot of women, quite frankly, are.

And so you do get a little spoiled, but that’s the way it’s supposed to be because you deserve the best. And if you’re here watching this, you’re on that path. And so here’s another guy that has kind of gotten to the other side of it. And he’s like, “Well, there’s not really a lot of great people.”

Again, people that are good to you, good for you, good for your soul are hard to come by. And again, if you’re in a place where you feel desperate, you feel like you haven’t met anybody or it’s taken too long, just remember, you get maybe 1 to 3 of those a decade. So you got to be patient. But again, once you’ve experienced it, then this starts to kind of subside a little bit.

And so the only thing he’s really worried about is that his skills are going to atrophy. But again, he’s a natural. When you meet somebody you click with, it’ll just become unconscious competence, just like I talk about pistol and rifle.

I’ve trained so much in transitioning back and forth between pistol and rifle and basics of CQB and just making sure the red dot is steady. It’s like when you get in the shoot house and you’re going up against different people, it’s like you don’t even really think about things. You just act. It becomes unconscious competence.

You’re just focusing on your dot. You’re focused on making sure you don’t expose too much of your body. And it’s like, “Bing, bing, bing,” and you always beat the bad guys.

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