Her Ex Husband Started Causing Problems & Drama So I Dumped Her

How to know if you should tap out if an ex is causing problems & drama in her life.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who dumped his girlfriend of 8 months because her ex husband who cheated on her and left her for another woman got cheated on and decided to move to town. He started calling and interrupting their vacations and time together with long phone conversations and texts. They had several talks about boundaries, but she didn’t respect them and was dismissive of his concerns and saying it was strictly about co-parenting issues, even though they had little contact since the divorce until he decided to move. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Her Ex Husband Started Causing Problems & Drama So I Dumped Her.”

So this particular email is from a viewer. He was with this girl for about eight months, and she had gotten divorced about six years before, her husband basically cheated on her with another woman and then left her and divorced her for this other woman. And so she moved a couple hundred miles away, I guess, to be closer to family, took her kid with her, and the only time they really talked was to exchange their child a couple times a year when he would visit with her.

And so after, he said things are great for about the first half of the relationship, and then, you know, you reap what you sow in life. Karma’s a bitch. Karma comes for all. So this woman that he was cheating with and left his wife for ended up cheating on him. I know. Big surprise. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It’s like 95% of the relationships that come from cheating tend to end in cheating. And so ever since he basically found out that his new love was cheating on him, now he’s decided he’s going to move a couple hundred miles away to be closer to his son, who basically in two years is going to graduate from high school.

And so that’s all well and good. But what started happening is he started sending his ex-wife, this guy who sent the email, and his now girlfriend, a long diatribe text. They’d be on vacation together and he would call her, and then she would have to step out of the room and be on a long phone call. And it just was happening so much it was getting irritating. And he came to realize it’s like, why is the guy all of a sudden going to move to be there? He doesn’t know anybody. He has no family there, supposedly for his son, who’s going to basically graduate high school in two years and he’ll be an adult anyways.

And because this guy was never in her life and so he’s sending along text, he’s apologizing for dicking her over and treating her so poorly. And what it really looks like is he’s trying to get back together with her, which, of course, this woman was denying and saying, oh, it was only co-parenting issues. And but it happened a number of times. It happened on vacations. It happened when they’re hanging out together. They’re enjoying their day, their evening, their weekend or whatever. And then the ex-husband calls and then she’s on the phone for an hour or two, however long it happens to be.

And so he had some talks, several talks about it, and he set some healthy boundaries, like this guy’s wanting to get back together with you. And since she was the one that got left for another woman and got divorced because she obviously didn’t see that coming. Probably rejection breeds obsession, and so on some level because they were together for 20 years. On some level, maybe she wasn’t completely over it. And so she’s telling the emailer that, oh, it’s just co-parenting. And she was just dismissive of his concerns.

And then so after it happened another time, after they had had a conversation about it, he was just like, I’m done, I’m out. We’ve talked about this. You’re dismissive of my concerns. It’s not normal for your ex-husband, who has not been involved in your life or your son’s life, other than maybe seeing him twice a year to now want to be talking all the time, and now he’s going to move to the same city that we live in. And I’m supposed to believe that it’s just because he wants to be more involved in his kid’s life? So let’s go through his email.

Because if you’re going to get involved with somebody that was married once before they got kids, it’s like, you don’t want to put up with this crap, and you want her to respect your boundaries. And if she’s just not going to respect your boundaries, well, why would you want to be in a relationship? I mean, you spend all this money to go on a vacation with your girl, and her ex-husband’s calling with her drooling all over on the phone or complaining or whining or trying to apologize and make up for the fact that he cheated on her and left her and divorced her for another woman.

And now he’s gotten cheated on. So it’s an interesting email nonetheless. You want your life to be a drama free zone. And things are good initially, but as soon as the guy decides he’s going to move to town because he wants to be more involved in his kid’s life, then he was calling and texting all the time, and he just got sick of it, and nobody wants to put up with that. And especially when the woman just denies it. Oh, it’s not true. You’re overreacting. That kind of crap.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach, 

Years ago you did a video for me on boundaries titled, “Why You Should Never Give Liars & Cheaters A 2^nd Chance”. I feel like we’re back here again.  Still following the book and advice. Haven’t really dated seriously as vetting rules out a lot of people within a few months.

Well, people who are good to you, good for you, good for your soul are rare. They hardly ever come along. And what I always compare it to is how often do you meet a new best friend? It’s something that’s special and hardly ever happens. So you have to be patient. And your path is your path. It’s your path is different than anybody else’s.

Haven’t really dated seriously as vetting rules out a lot of people within a few months. Nine months ago I met a great girl. We dated for eight. Checked all the right boxes. Enjoyed a ton of the same things. Best compatibility I’ve since I divorced over six years ago. Here’s how it went, tell me your thoughts. So, nine months ago, one month since break up.

I think he was dating somebody else at the time. Had a breakup. And then he meets this new girl.

I met a great girl on all levels. We took it slow and built a really solid foundation and relationship. I felt like we had a really great chance at making it. Ton’s of adventures, great memories, etc. We’re both fairly active and low maintenance relationship wise. I don’t think I could ever be with someone very needy, and this was a wonderful thing about her. 

About six months in she mentioned her ex-husband was moving to our state. I felt a little blindsided. She had known this for some time, and I would have liked to have known upfront. When she told me the details it really didn’t make sense for someone to uproot their life hundreds of miles away, move to a state with no ties six years after they divorced.

Yeah, that’s pretty suspect.

No family here other than her and the kid. Under the sole reason.

This was the ex-husband. The only reason he supposedly wants to move there is.

For their son who would be graduating in less than two years from high school.

So he’s going to be an adult and hopefully get his own life. But it’s like, where is the guy been last six years? He didn’t seem to care, but now he does? It’s like, come on. And as soon as he gets cheated on and left.

Here’s some back-round which we will get to later on. The skeptical part of the story was that the ex had cheated on her after 20 years of marriage. Blindsided her with divorce. She immediately moved to my home state six years ago.

I assume she probably had friends or family there or whatever.

The girl I dated, and the ex really didn’t have much contact other than exchanging her son twice a year to visit with him.

So he was kind of an absentee father that didn’t really give a shit. Wasn’t around. He was living his new life with his new woman.

She and I communicated very well. I had asked at once if she was sure she fully dealt with all her emotions on this for obvious reasons.

But remember, rejection breeds obsession. He left her after 20 years of marriage for another woman and divorced her on top of that. Just tossed her aside like trash. And clearly, if he was okay with just seeing his son twice a year, he didn’t really give a shit too much about his kid either.

You never really have to deal with it when you just run away for lack of better terms.

So he’s kind of looking at this, thinking she gets left. Gets divorced because the husband’s having an affair after 20 years. And it’s kind of understandable that she’s going to want to go where she’s got family and comfort and a support system to help raise the kid. Probably got grandparents, aunts, uncles, things of that nature.

Also, his decision to move was also based around the time he was cheated on by the girl he left her for. I know, karma lol.

Karma comes for all. You can’t outrun it.

Still, she was great to me, so I decided to give it a chance and see how it played out. As time got closer to the move, the problems started. He would frequently call her and write textbooks about how sorry he was.

So he sent in these long texts. Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m so remorseful. I broke up our family. I mean, you can just imagine what the guy is sending her. That’s not normal. When he was didn’t give a shit and he was gone for six years. Now all of a sudden, he cares about her son. Only it’s like, come on.

That he really screwed up. He would seem to call and interrupt while it was known we were spending time together with non-kid related subjects.

So he knows that she’s out with her new boyfriend, the guy who wrote the email, but yet he’s calling anyway, he’s texted her anyway. Why would you want to deal with that? That’s just rude. She should have, if she really cared, if she was really a good, loyal person, she would’ve been like, “I’m on a trip. I’m hanging out with my boyfriend, we’re on vacation together”, whatever happens to be.

But she didn’t do that. She kept taking his call, dropped what she was doing, basically put this guy on hold until she spent an hour or two on the phone with whatever supposed “emergency” it was. And again, this guy was he wasn’t even around. The only time they talked was twice a year to exchange his son. Other than that, he didn’t give a fuck. And so that wasn’t the only thing he was doing.

He would seem to call and interrupt while it was known we were spending time together with non-kid related subjects. Started reaching out to her family living here in inappropriate ways.

So now he’s trying to get back into the good graces with her family. That’s not somebody that’s just trying to be involved in their son’s life. That’s somebody that’s trying to repair things and hopefully get their family back together.

A few times she stopped while we were hanging out to have lengthy conversations with him. 

I mean, can you imagine being on a date or a dinner with your girl in a nice restaurant, a romantic evening, and then the then ex-husband calls, and then she gets up and goes, leaves the room. Goes outside the restaurant on the phone for an hour. Who knows how long. That’s just fucking rude. She should have said, “I can’t talk now, I’m on a date or I’m with my significant other.” And she didn’t do that. Actions speak louder than words, you know.

If women vote with their feet, if they’re with you, they voted for you. So it’s not like it was a one time thing. It was just constant. Because it’s the only thing you can think of is the guys trying to get back together with his wife and repair all the damage that he did, because now he’s got nobody, because the woman that he left her for and divorced her for, ended up cheating on him. And I assumed leaving her, leaving him for probably another dude.

We had several talks about this behavior. Not in a jealous or insecure way. Just like hey, you do realize your ex is burning the torch and I feel like he’s moving her for you after getting dumped? Not the kid.  Also, This is interfering with our time and is inappropriate.

Yeah. No guy wants to put up with that shit. It’s like he’s not respecting her life and her new relationship, but it’s pretty clear she’s giving him the green light to do it, because she keeps answering his calls and answering his text and expecting her boyfriend to sit there with his thumb up his ass while, you know, she goes and drops what she’s doing for the man that cheated on her and left her and divorced her for another woman. And now he’s back in the picture. But they had 20 years together, so that was a lot of time. And he dumped her.

She assured me would handle it even though she denied seeing his behavior as anything more than co-parenting. Well, this happened twice more. I brought it up and her attitude towards me was dismissive.

Well, he’s not a priority. The husband became the priority again. So I mean, she’s kind of voting with her feet there. If you’re telling her, it’s like, hey, this is inappropriate. You’ve already told me that this was not going to happen again. Yet here we are. We’re on a vacation together. We’re on a date. And you’re putting pause on us in our plans so you can go talk to your ex-husband, who, quite frankly, hasn’t been around for the last six years. He left you for another woman and divorced you on top of that. That’s pretty obvious. But the fact that she’s denying it and is dismissive of it shows that probably on some level, she’s probably open to a reconciliation. And again, they spent 20 years together.

Still she refused to see the behavior as anything other than “healthy co-parenting”.

Again, where was this the last six years? He didn’t care. Twice a year he got to see his son. Other than that, he wasn’t even in touch. So it’s like, that’s just absurd.

The last time per the usual while she and I were on vacation another interruption happened leading to a lengthy conversation with him while we were together.

Can you imagine? You’re on the beach. “Oh, my ex-husband’s calling me, and he’s never been around the last six years. But this is, you know, a co-parenting thing.” And so she leaves for a half hour, an hour, who knows how long. And then you’re sitting there going, it’s like, “I spent all this money to bring my girl on an expensive trip. And yet, here she is on the phone with her ex-husband, who didn’t give a shit about her until he got dumped by the woman. He cheated on her and left her with and divorced her with.”

I chose to end the relationship and explained why. I had lost faith in her ability to handle the situation.

Well, if we take a step back and we look at her actions, it was clear she was willing to risk her relationship with this new guy in order to drop what she was doing, to listen to whatever the ex-husband had to say. It’s like you know, I mean, it’s expensive going on a vacation. You’re, what, eight, ten grand for a really nice vacation? You’re going for a week or two at a time. All the food, the travel, the planes, the hotel, the rental car. You’re dropping all this money to show her a good time, and she’s like, “oh, I gotta talk to my ex-husband.” It’s like, I don’t think so.

Or, that she was even willing to handle it. I felt like it was a lose-lose. Either it had the potential of being a ton of drama. Or the potential of her going back to him with the history of a 20 year marriage plus kid. Her inability and unwillingness to set the boundary with him was my deciding factor that I wasn’t in a good situation or place. 

Again, it’s like she showed you through her actions that you weren’t really that important, that it was more important to talk to the ex-husband who really dicked her down bad. And now he’s moving to her state. It’s like, come on.

It’s always difficult to walk away from someone great.

Well, she wasn’t that great. If she’s treating you this way.

I understand people can’t control other people, but they can control their response to it and how it interferes with their life and subsequently mine.

Well, the other thing you’re kind of leaving out because you’re like, you walked away from somebody great. She made a commitment to you. She said she was going to nip it in the bud and stop it, but she didn’t. She said one thing and she did another. So, like, attracts like. Liars and cheaters tend to attract other liars and cheaters. And so on some level, that’s probably the way she was. That value system is clashing with this guy’s.

A loyal and family oriented woman is going to be like, “hey, you had your chance. You left me for somebody else and divorced me on top of that.” So a good, loyal woman is just like, “I’m a vacation.” If she just seen the phone call and leaves this long diatribe, “I’m on vacation. Unless this is an emergency, it’s inappropriate for you to be calling me.” But she didn’t do that. Not even once.

She gave the guy the green light to keep calling and texting her and always dropping what she was doing, putting her boyfriend on hold to go talk to the ex-husband. That’s not what a loyal woman is going to do. That’s a woman that’s open to rekindling things with her significant other. Because again, you just bottom line the actions.

I always like to sit back and see how people will conduct themselves vs hammering them about concerns and continuing to pressure them.  You know, demanding her to do things, I just looked at the situation for what it was and her behavior. I felt that if her mind and heart was all the way in our relationship, that she and I wouldn’t even need to have those conversations.

True. Again, look at the actions. Women vote with their feet. If you’re on a trip and she takes off to go talk to the ex-husband who hasn’t been around for the last six years, other than twice a year getting a kid for a week or two, and now all of a sudden it’s just co-parenting. It’s like, come on.

She would have naturally ran the ex off. As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Bob

It’s like, well, man, it sucks. But at the end of the day, she showed you through her actions that it was more important to be talking to her ex-husband, the guy who lied to her and cheated on her, left her and divorced her. Then a guy who’s been treating her good and been a good boyfriend for, you know, based on everything you shared here. So, you know, she could fuck a pound sand. Maybe she learns a lesson or maybe she thinks that because, again, rejection breeds obsession, that things will be different this time around.

Maybe the ex-husband learned his lesson because he got burned, and now he’s coming back with his tail between his legs. And more than likely say she does get back together with this guy. He’ll probably cheat on her again at some point, and you might even hear from her again in the future when or if that actually happens. So sounds like you dodged a bullet. You gave her the benefit of the doubt. And I mean, she didn’t respect your boundaries, so you had to enforce them, and you tapped out and you sent her through her ass back to the streets. So good for you. Because if she’s willing to entertain these kind of conversations with the ex, that’s not somebody that’s not going to build trust.

Because then you’re always going to be wondering, “who’s she talking to? Where is she at? Why is she late? What’s she doing? Where is she at?” Again, the kid’s about to graduate in what, a year and a half. It’s like, come on, man. So good for you, Bob, for telling her to pound sand and you’ll ride off, because you can always date a younger, hotter woman that doesn’t have this fucking bullshit going on. But I think you did the right thing, man. Good job. I know it’s tough. It’s not easy. But, you know you’re not going to play second fiddle to some chick that doesn’t look like she’s over her ex, leaving her for another woman, cheating on her and divorcing her.

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