What you should do if the girl you just started dating decides to give her ex another chance and backs away from you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He started dating a woman who was an eight or a nine in his book. Things were going great until she canceled their fourth date only an hour before he was supposed to pick her up. She became cold and distant and then told him she was seeing her ex again.
He deleted her off of his social media when she tried to friend zone him. He asks if he did the right thing. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
In these situations, especially where there is an ex, ideally, you don’t want to be getting involved with people whose divorce is not finalized, or who’s still bouncing back and forth between an ex, and they’re not completely over them. But life is messy, relationships are are messy, and that’s not always going to be the case.
And so, in these situations, you really have to let the woman do most of the calling, texting and pursuing. You should be doing that anyway. But if there’s another guy and she’s more emotionally bonded to him than she is to you – like this particular guy, they literally only had three dates and there’s an ex in the picture – she’s going to be more emotionally anchored to him and wanting to see what happens because of her feelings towards the ex.
That’s why it’s best to just let her be and let her do all of the pursuing in this particular case. Because if you try to pursue somebody that is involved with an ex, she’s going to typically back off and see which guy displays the most masculine strength characteristics. And that’s typically who she will choose. So, you have to be delicate in the way you handle these situations, if you’re crazy enough to get involved with women like that. But like I said, it happens, and not everything is clean and like a Disney story. Life is messy, like I said.
I hope you’re doing awesome. I’ve been doing amazing myself and focusing hard and heavy on building myself up and being a higher value man. I’ve been recently studying your work in earnest, but haven’t got to that 10-read mark on 3% Man.
Obviously, he’s talking about my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man.”
I was recently dating a girl whom I found a solid 8-9 in my book.
Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Our first few dates went amazingly well, and everything was going good. But then, suddenly, she flaked within an hour of me picking her up on our 4th date. She never rescheduled, which immediately to me was a bad sign and low interest. I now know one of the primary causes was setting a date within less than a week after the previous one.
So, he’s probably getting a little overeager, a little too excited, thought things were going really well, and so he’s trying to compress the timeline. You’ve got to remember, women take time to fall in love. You cannot rush this process. It never goes well. You have to give them time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, to start to crave you.
If you’re always texting and trying to set a lot of dates, because you’re trying to move things along quickly to the promised land of having a relationship, or whatever you’re looking to have with her, it’s going to usually blow up in your face. The idea is you want to go slightly slower than she is.
So, I told her to get back to me with her schedule when she can make definite plans.
The important thing is, when you tell a woman something like that, “Hey, text me later,” “Hey, text me when you figure out your schedule,” you’ve got to be congruent with that. Because if you tell a woman that, and then a few days later or a week or so later you haven’t heard from her and you reach out, it makes you look insecure and like you don’t have emotional self-control. Because if you value yourself and love yourself, you want somebody who wants you.
Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. And so, part of this is also a test. Because she just canceled on him an hour before a date, that’s a major violation there. That’s a major sign of disrespect. And you don’t reward that behavior with pursuing more. That’s the kind of thing that makes you take a step back and go, “You know what, I don’t know if I should be getting involved with somebody like this.”
What you’ll later find out is that it’s because of an ex coming back in the picture. And so, ideally, if you’re looking for a relationship, you don’t want to get involved with somebody that’s bouncing back and forth between an ex, because they’re going to be hot and cold like this. He had three good dates, and then all of a sudden on the fourth date, she just pulls the plug.
You don’t chase after somebody that ditches you like that, because that communicates that you don’t value yourself, and you don’t think highly of yourself, and you’re trying to force things because you’re needy, you’re desperate. Maybe you’re a little neurotic, and you’re worried that she’s not going to want to spend time with you. But a man who has lots of choices and lots of options will be like, “Hey, an hour before I’m supposed to pick this chick up, she just cancels a date? And it’s because an ex is in the picture? I don’t want to get involved in that.”
I’m sure she’s maybe a great girl, but right now, where she’s at in her life, let her go explore things with the ex. Because it didn’t work out the first time, it’s obviously probably not going to work out the second and third, fourth, fifth, tenth time, whatever it happens to be. “But my life is a drama free zone, and I don’t want to get involved with somebody that’s got that bullshit going on in their lives. She needs to resolve that situation, and then she can get in touch. And if I’m available, maybe I’ll give her another shot.”
That should be the mindset and the attitude. Not the way this guy is behaving, which is like he’s like begging for her to pay attention to him, seeking her attention and validation, which is feminine and it’s disgusting for a man to do. But a lot of guys do it because they don’t know any better.
A week went by and I contacted her again.
So, he tells her to get in touch when she knows her schedule. “I told her to get back to me with her schedule when she can make definite plans.” And so, he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t hold out. He lost his shit and contacted her, so now he’s not congruent with his words. It communicates he doesn’t have the self-esteem to hold out. In other words, he doesn’t see himself as an equal or on her level. He’s kind of treating her like a celebrity, that he’s desperate to get her attention, and that never works out well for a guy.
And that’s when she spilled the beans; her long-ago ex was back in the picture, and they’ve been seeing each other frequently. She spilled everything and told me she is going to a wedding with him and he’s going to meet a lot of her family. She doesn’t know how she feels anymore, and did the lame ass, “can we be friends?” bullshit.
She does know how she feels, that’s the reality, but she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. So, what she feels, because if we look at her actions, which are indicative of how she feels, she feels more into her ex than she does this guy. That’s the truth. She doesn’t want to say it, because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. But also, she’s worried that she may screw up her chances of keeping him as a backup or a friend.
Of course, knowing what I know now, due to your work, I did what you told me to do in “7 Principles to Get Your Ex Back.” I was direct and straight to the point that although I still want to continue seeing her, it must be purely on the terms of more than friends. I am only interested in dating and romance and sex, and nothing less than that or platonic. I told her she has my number and if she ever changes her mind or things don’t work out with the other guy to shoot me a message, and that my phone number will always be the same. She went dead silent after that. It’s been a few days now.
So, that’s another statement that you’ve got to be congruent with. You can’t tell a woman that same thing, and then a week or two later go, “Hey, what’s going on? You want to get together?” because it makes you look like a bitch. That communicates that you don’t have the confidence in yourself to find somebody else, or find somebody better, or find somebody who’s ready, willing, able and open to date.
If you love and value yourself, you’re going to be like, “I’m not going to mess with her. This girl is hanging out with her ex, and now she’s introducing him to all of her family, and they’ve been spending all this time together. And she canceled a date an hour before I’m supposed to pick her up. It’s like, I don’t think so. I’m not going to reward that behavior with, ‘Oh, please pay attention to me,'” which is exactly what he did by reaching out again.
My question to you though is, I deleted her off of my Facebook account because I wasn’t going to sit idly as a friend, in any shape or form, while she posts lovey dovey pictures with the new guy.
If you’re wanting to keep the lines of communication open and show that you were unperturbed, I would have left her on there. But I mean, it was a dick move canceling a date an hour before and then not really telling you what’s going on until you confronted her about it.
The only time I’ve deleted women off is when they’ve just kind of been assholes about things, if I don’t like the way they were treating me. I’ve had women that purposely wait twenty-four hours to respond to every single text that I send. You know, they’ll send me a text and then we’ll get two or three replies and then they wait for twenty-four hours. That kind of shit, it’s like, you’re getting deleted. I don’t want people like that in my life that are purposely trying to manipulate me.
So, as long as she’s cool and she was nice and she was up front, which it doesn’t seem like this girl was until you pressed her on it. And the other thing to consider is, if you can’t handle it – which it doesn’t seem like this guy can, because he told her get in touch when she figures out her schedule, and he couldn’t wait – when you tell a woman to “get in touch when you figure out your schedule” and weeks go by, or a month goes by, you just have to assume they got involved with somebody else or maybe they met somebody else.
Again, dating is like tennis. And so, what happened was he hit the ball over the net, but she didn’t hit it back because he didn’t wait it out long enough. And then what happened is he hit another ball over the net. It’s a bad way to go.
I just felt it was the right thing to do, because I don’t even want her seeing what’s going on in my life; she doesn’t deserve it in my opinion.
That’s fair. That’s understandable. And at the end of the day, it doesn’t sound like you can handle it anyway, so it’s best that you be disconnected from her on social media.
Did I do the right thing by deleting her off social media?
Like I said, if she’s a really good person, I would have kept her on. If you didn’t like the ratchet behavior, then that was the right decision for you.
I’m afraid that might be a sign to her that I never want to talk to her again.
Well, you told her to get in touch, and at the end of the day, she says, “Hey, I’m going to go get serious with my ex” or “I’m going to explore things with my ex,” so it doesn’t it really matter in that particular case. What’s done is done, and so you’ve got to be congruent with never speaking to her again for any reason unless you hear from her first. You should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“It’s always best when you start dating someone new that they are ready, willing, able and open to starting a new relationship. That means their divorce is finalized and there are no exes in the background that they are bouncing back and forth between. Otherwise, they will be hot and cold and inconsistent. This is especially true when it comes to women. You must give them the space, time and freedom to chase and pursue you more, so dating is their idea. If you pursue them more, you’ll simply chase them right out of your life and into the arms of their ex or whoever they are more emotionally bonded to.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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