What you should do if the woman you are dating wants to be friends with benefits, but you want a relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a former soldier from The Land Down Under, Australia. He met a woman who was a DJ, and because he was an avid surfer, she wanted to learn from him. She offered to teach him how to be a DJ. They started hanging out frequently and eventually started sleeping together. After a few weeks of hooking up, he started developing strong romantic feelings and wanted a relationship, but she only wanted to be friends with benefits.
He told her no thanks and said he couldn’t continue sleeping with her without a relationship. Initially, this made her chase more and try to seduce him. He kept refusing, but now that he wants to sleep with her again, it’s not progressing anywhere. He asks what he should do to get the romance back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He backed away and it actually initially caused her to want him even more, to pursue more and to try to seduce him. He kept refusing, but then finally he decided he wanted to go back to what they had, and now things are just kind of bouncing back and forth and not really going anywhere. And so, he’s kind of almost stuck in friend zone. In other words, he’s a friend without the benefits right now, and he wants his benefits back.
Hi Coach Corey,
My name is Bob and I’m a 30yo man living in Australia. I just have finished reading your book for the 3rd time after I totally messed up probably the biggest chance I would ever have at dating my dream girl.
You’re obviously pedestalizing this woman. Don’t treat her like a celebrity. Apparently, she is a famous celebrity, but he didn’t know this. But he started treating her like a celebrity, and so kind of where he’s at now, what you’ll see as we get further down the email is that he’s kind of become one of her fans, in essence, and he no longer has access to the land of magic, if you will.
So, to start out, I became friends and started hanging out with a friendly and very attractive woman I met at a self-recovery seminar. We both had very similar interests both were musicians and she told me she was a famous DJ and that I would exchange surfing lessons for DJ lessons. We started hanging out a lot and eventually started sleeping with each other for about a week straight.
Hang out, have fun and hook up. So far, so good. This is how most relationships start. You like her, she likes you. You like hanging out, you have chemistry. The attraction, it’s already there, it starts to grow and reveal itself. One thing leads to another, and you’re doing naughty things to each other that will make your parents blush.
I then found out from her that she is a very famous actress and has her own Netflix series and is in multiple movies showing right now in cinemas, and that she didn’t tell me because she thought I might feel differently about her.
Probably a real experience of hers.
It didn’t really change much for me, as I don’t watch TV or the movies at all. I told her one of my secrets is that I was an ex-soldier of the Australian army and attended the self-help groups to get past a lot of trauma I experienced in there. She then said that she was going because always being on camera and in the spotlight drives her insane and was trying to get off multiple medications.
So, just something to note from my book, “Mastering Yourself,” when you combine network chiropractic care, healthy eating, exercising, the alkaline style diet with Corey’s green alkaline smoothies and green juices, and the nuts that I talk about in here and a couple of apples a day, do the 30 day challenge and you’ll notice some big differences.
And a lot of people that have come in to Dr. Dominick D’Anna’s office at BeSimplyWell.com, have come in on lots of different medications, and as he helps them and works on them over the course of several weeks and months, they start getting off their medications and oftentimes eliminate most, if not all, of the medications they are on.
You give your body what it needs, because your cells need oxygen, they need the proper nutrients and the ability to eliminate waste, and if you facilitate all of that, you will be healthier and you will need these things less. He’s got countless, countless case studies that he’s done this with over the years. People just naturally choose to become healthier. And when your body’s in optimum health, you just need fewer crutches, if you will — fewer artificial crunches.
So, we continued to support each other and sleeping with each other until I now know from reading your book, I told her how I was feeling about all this.
So he started just basically losing his shit with this girl once he got emotionally invested in her. He started trying to control her and lock her down, and as the mug says, hang out, have fun and hook up. It doesn’t say hang out, have fun, have a relationship. That’s not how it works.
And seeing as though you’re an army vet, the relationship is simply not your AO, bro. And for those of you who don’t know what “AO” is, its “area of operations.” It’s a woman’s area of operations, and the men should stay the fuck out of it, because when they get in the woman’s area of operations, it creates problems, as you’ll soon see.
She said right from the start that it was going to be FWB only because she had just gotten out of a long relationship and wanted to stay single.
Well, the thing you have to remember with women is their emotions change just like Mother Nature. It’s kind of like the weather. And so, when she tells you friends with benefits only, she’s basically helping you because she likes you. In other words, she’s saying hang out, have fun, hook up because she wants you to succeed. And I think he crossed out the hook up part and put have a relationship. Because why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
And at the end of the day, it’s not your AO, bro. Sorry, that’s the way it is. Leave it to the woman to decide these things. Because what happens is, you just keep hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Let her do most of the calling, texting and pursuing and make dates to get together to hang out and have fun and hook up when you hear from her, and then it becomes her idea.
Let her emotions overwhelm her. Let her emotions get to the point where she feels so safe and comfortable with you that she can come and go, and you’re not going to lock her down, you’re not going to treat her like a fan or a celebrity. She will love that masculinity so much, because you love her, and you support her, and you nurture her and give her the freedom to be who she really is. She’ll love you for it. She won’t be able to help herself.
And then when that happens, she’ll be all over you like a suckerfish. You won’t be able to get rid of her. So, that’s why it’s a simple formula. Hang out, have fun, hook up! Teespring.com at the Coach Corey Wayne store, shameless plug. Thank you very much. Thank you for shopping at the Coach Corey Wayne store today.
To be honest, that’s what I thought I wanted as well until I fell for her and told her that.
Well, really, until you just messed it all up, you had a good thing going, and then you got involved in the woman’s AO, and you got carpet bombed.
I then said I couldn’t keep sleeping with her like this, because it was affecting me.
In other words, “I’m coming unglued and losing my shit and I can’t handle it, because the punani is too good. It’s too delicious for words, and I can’t handle it.”
And knowing what would eventually happen with another guy she had in the picture, I drew up a boundary, which was no sex.
No sex for you! Bad way to go, bro. You violated principles, but in his defense, he was not familiar with “How To Be A 3% Man” yet.
That week, we met up a couple more times for the surfing lessons and she was all over me, and just at the point that we were going to have sex again she pulled away and said, “What about your boundaries?” and stopped.
You could have plainly said, “Well, obviously you’re pushing my boundaries. What do you think you’re made of? Let’s see how good you are, I don’t know. Maybe a little more kissy-poo and I will have to see what happens, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll have to bend the rules. Are you worthy of me bending the rules for you? I don’t know, I have my doubts. We’ll have to just see what happens. You can keep trying to convince me, though.”
This is the reaction you want to give her. Two steps forward, one step back. It’s almost like, “I don’t want your box.” You’re not going to say that to her, but you’re like, I can do without it. It’s like, you kind of flip it around like, “I know you want me. Well, let’s see how good of a seducer you really are, woman. Maybe you’ll make it just so good for me that I just won’t be able to resist it, and then I’ll be deep inside you, which you obviously miss and you’re probably thinking about right now. As a matter of fact, I know you’re thinking about it, because you’re all over me. But I have to resist. Unless you persist, I might not be able to resist.”
This happened like 3 more times, and I swear she was just messing with me at this point.
No, you didn’t understand “two steps forward, one step back,” because she’s testing your strength. You said “Hey, no sex, those are my boundaries.” And she’s like, “Oh, really? What do you think about this,” putting her hands in strategic places, getting close, kissy-poo. And the idea is you show her that you’re unaffected by it, like, “Yeah, you’re a pretty good kisser. I’ve had better. I think there’s better kissers out there and women that want to sweep me off my feet and make me marry them and have lots of babies.”
And I told her that this was too much and pulled back.
And what you basically communicated was, “I can’t handle it, man. I can’t handle it. You’re just too fine, I just lose it.” It’s not masculine, bro.
I see her all the time due to us having the same friends and living in a very small town. After this, my friends started to notice what was happening and the effect this was having on me and also her. I decided on the no contact rule for me, because I was starting to obsess over this girl and didn’t like the power she had over me.
Well, you gave it away, dude. So, the idea is to let her obsess over you. Because you can’t just hook up a few times over week or two and go, “Okay, let’s have a relationship.” It doesn’t work that way. If you look at the older movies, the men are always resisting that at all costs. The last thing they want to do is settle down and start a family, and the women just don’t stop. They don’t stop, they’re like the Borg, “We will assimilate you. Lower your shields. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.”
Once again, I still hadn’t read your book until this point. I also told her about why I wasn’t contacting her. I then started reading your book and she was liking all my posts in social media, texting me all the time with messages like “Hey, how are you babe? xxxx Are you ok? xxx,” and I would respond with “Hey, nice to hear from you. I would really love to hang out again in person when are you free.”
I would just say, “Let’s get together and catch up. I’d love to see you.”
For the past 3 weeks, we have organized to meet up, but she has always pulled out at the last minute.
So again, the most important thing here, two steps forward, one step back. So she pulls away, you’re cool with it. If she stops kissing and pulls away, it’s like, “What’s really going on is that you just can’t handle it because my kissing power is so good, you’re finding yourself irresistibly drawn to me. And quite frankly, I think your panties are getting very wet. And you’re getting to the point where you’re feeling overwhelmed and you can’t handle it, and you’re just going to start taking off your clothes and my clothes and do naughty things to me. And I’m going to do my very best to resist you at all costs.”
Also, I’m doing zero reaching out, but every couple of days I get a “Hey, are you ok?” message.
You could say, “I’m doing great, actually, but I’d be doing even greater if you were here naked in my bed.”
And I’m not sure how to respond as I’ve tried to meet up a few times now, but nothing happens.
Love is allowing, bro. You just let it happen. She’s reaching out. Because now it’s kind of like, for her, she knows you like her, but the problem is you have communicated a couple of times that you can’t handle it. So you’re like right on the cusp there. You’re like the gay friend of hers that she thinks that she’s going to convert.
And so, it’s fun, it’s playfulness. You resist her to a degree, tease her like, “You just can’t stay away from me. You can’t keep your hands off of me. I understand, this handsomeness. I get it a lot. I’ve got a lot of fans. I know you’re a famous actress and everything, but, you know, it’s a curse being as good looking as I am. But, maybe you’ve got a shot, maybe you can convert me.”
I really would like to date this girl again, but it seems it’s a tennis match via text and seems like a huge game of cat and mouse.
Well, that’s the whole thing. It’s supposed to be fun. You’re just missing the little subtle nuances. She comes on to you, she pulls away. And so, you’re looking at a delay of a seduction as a permanent denial for that evening, because she’s going to pull away and go, “Hey, what about your boundaries?” Like, “What boundaries?” “Well, you said you wouldn’t have sex with me.” “Are you sure? Are you sure you’re not confusing me with one of those other guys you’re dating? I don’t know about that. I don’t think I ever said that. I think it’s a myth. I think you’ve been sniffing glue when I wasn’t paying attention. I’m really disappointed about that.” Just have fun with it, be playful.
Just wanted to know, what chance do I still have…
…as it seems like I’ve over-pursued and made some huge mistakes.
Well, dude, she’s coming over, she’s contacting you, she’s doing all of the pursuing. And then you get together and you start making out, and things get close and you’re like, “Oh well, that’s the end of it. I guess I’m not going to get laid tonight.” A delay is not denial. It just means go a little slower. Because you’re thirsty, and she can sense that you’re thirsty and that you’re coming unglued and uncentered when she’s right on the cusp.
Because she wants to be able to come and go — to think about sleeping with you, almost sleep with you, and then back away, and have you be completely indifferent, and amused by it, and finding it humorous and teasing her. And it’s like, “You’re just torturing yourself every time you back away from me.” It’s like, “I hate to see you suffer, but I can help you with your grief therapy next time you come a little closer. But you’ve got to kiss me a little more passionately and let your hands wander a little bit more as well.” Be playful like that, be silly.
That’s the whole thing. It’s fun and playful. Like, if you think about a little boy and a little girl when they first start liking each other and hanging out, and they tease each other and they chase each other around, and you get that first crush when you’re little. It’s kind of like that, it’s kind of like that playfulness. Treating her like the bratty little sister occasionally, not by being mean or being a dick, but just being silly and goofy and having the attitude of “I know you’ve got a huge crush on me, and you just can’t handle it.”
But what’s happening is you’re communicating, “I’ve got a huge crush on you, and I can’t handle it.” That’s part of your problem, you’re giving off the wrong vibe. You’re giving off a good vibe by hanging back, and then she comes forward. But like I said, that’s why I always say read “How To Be A 3% Man” 10-15 times, because you get to understand these subtle nuances.
But, dude, she’s completely offering herself. You’re like, right there. You’re right there. If you just do the things I’ve been talking about and maybe steal some of those lines I just dropped, that I pulled out of my butt. That stuff works, man. Love is playful and fun. It’s not serious. She’s playful and fun, and then when she’s playful and fun, you get too serious. And then you dissipate all of the sexual tension and anticipation.
Your case is a pretty simple, easy one to follow. Remember, hang out, have fun, hook up. Two steps forward, and when you encounter resistance, two steps back. Remember James Bond, the way he always is in the movies, women are like, “I’m not sleeping with you. There’s no way I’m having sex with you tonight.” And he just half smiles, because he’s heard it so many times.
He’s like, “Whatever, you’ll be naked in my bed later tonight. It may take a couple more drinks, it may take me spending a little bit more time with you, and you can’t keep your hands off me, but it’s going to happen.” And he’s never worried about it. He just knows how it’s going to end, because it always ends that way. Because he knows how women are, he knows how they operate, and he’s the fucking man. So, it’s pretty simple,
If you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” or “Mastering Yourself,” you can read them both for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. If you would like to talk to me about a personal or professional challenge you’re having, all you have to do is go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“A man’s actions must be congruent with his words in order for a woman to trust his masculine core enough to submit to him and follow his lead. If he is not, she will feel unsafe and uncomfortable and back away to test his strength. If he continues to fail her tests of his strength, she will back away even more, become aloof, confused and lose romantic interest in him. Men must love women in such a way that they feel free to come and go. A man can reestablish romantic attraction by becoming consistently congruent with his words and actions and by also continuing to give her the freedom to come and go as she pleases. As long as he remains indifferent to her being near or far away from him, eventually she will feel so strongly for him, that her favorite place to be is close to him.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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