How to determine if a woman is a hookup girl only or a good woman to have a relationship with.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 3 different emails from 3 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who got involved with a gaslighting narcissist who made him question everything. The 2nd email is from a viewer who got involved with a woman who lied about being single when she still had a boyfriend.
The 3rd email is a success story from a viewer who read 3% Man over 20 times and has been with his girlfriend for 4 years. When he first found my work, he was afraid to even talk to women he really liked! Now his career and life are really taking off. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
During the pandemic, I met a girl. She was like a dream.
In other words, it really wasn’t that real.
And after her, I discovered your work, so spoiler here.
Well, usually most people come to me, not because things are going well in their life, but because something has gone sideways. So, they’re obviously in a lot of emotional pain typically, especially when it comes to intimate relationships.
It was winter, so the first date was in her car, as she didn’t trust people with her safety.
That’s kind of weird. You’re like, “Hey, let’s meet at a place,” and she’s like, “No, let’s have a date in my car.”
Fair enough. She brought tea, I brought lights. I went for the kiss, she refused, but acknowledged my intention. In the beginning, I would ask her out once or twice a week. Her: “Let me check my schedule and I’ll come back.” But she never did.
And the next day, because he was dopey, he would reach out. So here, he’s got a woman that’s not doing what she says she’s going to do, which women do this all the time. They say, “Oh, I’ll check my schedule and I’ll let you know” or “I’ll get back to you. I’ll call you later,” and then they don’t. Guys that don’t know any better are like, “What happened? You didn’t text to me back. What’s going on? Is everything okay? Do you still like me?”
You’ve got to understand that women are like cats. They come and go. And you can’t get upset or butt-hurt about it any more than it’s productive to get upset and butt-hurt at the weather not matching what you want. It has nothing to do with you, typically. And that’s where a lot of guys mess up, is when a woman says one thing and then does something else or doesn’t actually follow through.
Sometimes they do it on purpose, because so many guys are insecure and they’re weak and they get butt-hurt really easily. And this, quite frankly, helps women screen out the lunatics from guys that seem to have their act together. So, just exercising emotional self control when you find yourself in a position where you just meet a girl and she’s like, “Oh, hey, I’m going to call you tomorrow, I’ll call you later tonight,” or whatever, and then she doesn’t, you don’t follow up with her. You’ve got to give her the opportunity to follow through on what she says or to disappear from your life forever.
Because it’s a participatory sport. Relationships take two people to make it work, and you want to make sure the other person makes a mutual effort, not when they don’t make the mutual effort and you make up for that by doing twice the effort. Because when you’re doing all the effort, you get blown off, you get ghosted, you get jerked around, because you’re constantly acting like you’re not worthy.
People who love and value themselves want to spend time with people who also love and value themselves and respect each other. And if somebody doesn’t respect you or your time, you give them the gift of missing you, permanently if need be.
The next day she would say, “Why didn’t you said anything? I was free last night.” Me: “But you said you would tell me if you are free.” Her: “Nooo, that’s what girls say, but you have to ask again, as men do.”
She’s probably really pretty and she gets away with it. And so, she’s telling him these things, and he’s like, “Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll do what she says.” And then you do what she says, and guess what? Nothing changes. She still blows you off.
We started meeting at my house – no sex, only movies and kissing…
Definitely sounds like we’ve got a structured girl here.
…as she lived with her brother and didn’t want to be seen together.
If a girl is not proud to show you off and tell the world that “this is the guy I’m seeing, this is my boyfriend,” or whatever, do you really want to be with somebody like that? If she’s not excited and proud to have you around, it’s like, huh?
I knew it was too soon, but it felt like she cared only about an image of perfection she made around herself.
Well, what it really means is you just weren’t that important to her.
She told me a story where one of her ex-boyfriends brought another girl in bed while she was asleep, and when she woke up, blamed her for not proposing a threesome.
“Oh, hey, there’s another girl in our bed with us. Why didn’t you propose a threesome?” Yeah, that sounds normal. That sounds like gaslighting and a little bit of narcissistic behavior. Because what gaslighting is, is when you know what the truth is and the other person just basically tries to make you think, “Oh, you’re crazy, you’re paranoid, Oh, it didn’t happen.” You’re like, “What?” And when it happens enough, because it’s a bunch of typical different things, after a while you start thinking, “Well, maybe it is my fault,” and then you start questioning yourself.
That’s how the narcissist manipulates you. Because once you start questioning reality, then they start filling in the blanks for your reality. And then, you live in a world of delusion. As Dostoyevsky said, “A man who lies to himself and believes his own lies becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else.” And here’s one of my favorite ones from Roger Simon. He’s a conservative commentator, I think on Pajamas Media. I love this quote, and it pisses people off, but it’s so true. He says “The essence of modern liberalism is based upon lying, and it begins with lying to the self.” It goes great with the Dostoyevsky quote.
Another ex cheated on her and was aggressive. To get some revenge she did something… sad. While in the dormitory, a mostly timid guy that she knew liked her and came by to visit her.
She seems to enjoy manipulating guys and playing with their interests. Why? Because that was probably done to her by her family, and obviously previous boyfriends.
She invited him to take a shower with her, but he wouldn’t be allowed to touch her. His thingy went up and she laughed, telling him he was a loser.
Oh yeah, that’s what you want.
I get that she was upset with her own relationship, but damn.
Yeah, this is not the kind of girl you want to take home to Mom. It doesn’t even sound like hooking up is happening with her?
She wanted a big, strong, merciless man to protect her so she could travel, some kind of bodyguard.
Well, I mean, if he’s got a boner and they’re in the shower together, two steps forward, one step back. “Don’t touch me,” then “Touch me,” until she tells you to stop. Because the soy boy beta male will go “Okay, Your Highness. I won’t touch you.”
She preferred the company of dogs more than other humans.
Probably because she was a dog herself.
It was like, every day someone did something wrong to her, but not her, as she thought of herself to be more intelligent than anyone else.
Definitely sounds like a narcissist.
I am just not the type to take care of someone constantly.
Yeah, you want a teammate in an equal. And this kind of behavior that you’re seeing from her, somebody that condescendingly makes you question reality, that’s just not good.
And it just feels odd to hear someone have 100 problems a day, and none are her fault.
Well, if you’re going through life and you seem to be meeting nothing but assholes, and then you move somewhere else and there’s only assholes there, well, guess what, the problem is you.
But I wanted a family or something, an idea that came from my own family. Silly me. Instead of seeing the girl for what she was, I just transformed her into some perfect thing in my head.
Yeah. He’s projecting his fantasy of what he wants onto her and then completely ignores all of this atrocious behavior. Like, “Hey, let’s have a first date in my car.” “I’ll bring lights.” That just sounds weird. I don’t think I’ve seen that that scenario before. I’ve seen some weird emails, but that’s like, what? “Let’s have a date in my car. Hey, bring some lights. We’ll decorate. We’ll have a housewarming party in my car. I’ll bring tea and biscuits.”
So, I just lost it. Although, I felt that everything was wrong. She became more distant. I called, messaged, trying to justify myself, why I was not the image of a man she had in her head.
Yeah, he’s just pedestalizing this girl, chasing her. Dating is like tennis and he hits the ball over the net, she ignores it, and he just keeps hitting the balls over. And when you behave that way with a narcissist, man, they will just destroy you.
I was hurt, conflicted. While I was crying my eyes out from my hurt ego, I felt somewhat relieved.
Yeah, because you’ve got to feel it to heal it. It’s stuck energy, at the end of the day, and that’s why when you have a cry or you express a lot of anger or emotion or whatever, and you take the time to be authentically present with it, it dissolves, it moves through your nervous system.
Just like children experience emotions before the world tells them, “No, stop! Stop that! Down! Don’t express that.” It doesn’t mean you express it whenever, you’ve just got to take the time to express it. But not repress it, because what you resist persists. And then you have a big blow up and meltdown when it just builds up.
I am still wondering sometimes, is this a real woman and I was not man enough? Because it didn’t feel like that at all.
Thank you for existing, Coach!
No, it sounds like you were dating a gaslighting narcissist. That’s not good. If you’re in a shower with a girl and she’s teasing the guy… maybe he was acting like a beta male in the shower, but he was excited. But the fact that a woman invites you into a shower with her, you’re naked, and then she says, “Don’t touch me,” that’s kind of weird. She sounds like a weirdo, not the kind of girl you want to take home to Mom.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I haven’t read your book (yet), but I plan to.
Come on, man. You’ve got to learn the fundamentals that are in the book. You can’t be cherry picking videos. I had a phone session with a guy yesterday who has been following me for a long time and is just now getting around to reading the book again for the third time in five years. And the first two times were like five years ago. It’s like, “And you wonder why your relationship went sideways.” “I know, I know, I know, but I watch lots of videos.” I was like, “You didn’t learn the fundamentals. You made all of these obvious mistakes, all of these unattractive behaviors.” “I know, I know.” Everybody thinks they are going to be different.
I’ve watched quite a few of your videos and I’d like specific advice for my situation. I live in the UK, I’m a British guy aged 24, and I’ve been dating a Chinese international student who is 26 and who plans to live in the UK after she graduates, (so it’s possible for us to work long term).
We met on the train. I’d been learning Chinese, so we had a conversation in Chinese, and I got her contact details. I messaged her and we met up. On our first date she told me she had a boyfriend in China, however we ended up making out and I got to 2nd base.
He’s like, “Oh, boyfriend, shmoyfriend. No problem.”
On the second date, I came over to hers, she cooked for us and we had sex.
Oh, so she’s cheating on her boyfriend. That’s definitely the type of girl you want to take home to Mom. No, this is just a girl you hook up with and have fun with for a while. Then you go, “Hey, it’s been swell, but not really what I’m looking for. Wish you all the best. Got nothing but love.”
Although she seemed reluctant to do that until I seduced her, after which she was into it. We continued like this for two months until New Year’s Day, where I took her for an overnight stay in another city. We had a wonderful time. She was very affectionate, and we had sex that night. The next day though, she told me she needed to tell me something I might not like, that she didn’t break up with her boyfriend in China, (I assumed she had)…
She’s just cheating. You’re her side piece, bro.
…and that it wasn’t fair for us to continue dating. She said this in person, though we still held hands and made out a lot on the train home.
Meanwhile, this guy is completely projecting his fantasy and he’s completely ignoring he’s with a lying, cheating whore. Simple as that. She ain’t gonna be loyal, “These hoes ain’t loyal.” She isn’t going to be loyal to anybody.
After I got off the train, she sent many messages implying she wanted to be good friends. However, I didn’t outright accept this, as I want to be clear that I’m interested in her romantically. She also said she liked me over text but that doesn’t mean we should be together. I said, “you can send me a message when you want to talk.”
Which you’re basically kind of acknowledging, “Yeah, sure, we can be friends.” You have to be 100% congruent with not being interested in anything platonic. And saying, “Hey, you can call me if you want to talk,” it’s like, “No. I want to hang out, have fun, and hook up.” But in this case, when she’s cheating on her boyfriend and lying about it, you cannot build a relationship based upon lying. It’s just not going to work. You can lie to yourself, you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. That’s a fact of life.
She said she’d call me the next day, but she never did.
I’m shocked. I can’t believe she never did.
I’d really like it to work out between us…
It’s not, dude. She’s a liar and a cheater. This is just a casual hookup girl. That’s it. And the way you treat a woman like this – if you’re dumb enough to stay involved with somebody that has a boyfriend, make sure you wear a raincoat, obviously – but let her do all of the pursuing, and then you just set dates. Don’t take her out. Do dates at your house that can lead to sex. If she’s a friends with benefits, then treat her like that. You don’t do things that you would do with a girlfriend.
…just the case of her breaking up with her boyfriend and choosing to be with me.
You don’t want that dude, because if she cheats on her boyfriend, she’ll cheat cheat on you, and she doesn’t think anything of it. You know, speaking of lying to the self, that’s part of communism, Marxism, socialism, Leninism, collectivism. It begins with completely lying to yourself and each other.
I mean, look at the Russians. If anybody’s been following the war closely, all up and down the chain of command, everybody lies to each other. And so, by the time the reports finally get into Putin’s desk, it’s just so far removed from reality, and then they’re making decisions based upon this. And the Russian army is just getting wrecked. Oh, man, the stuff that I’m reading, it’s amazing. It’s just that Putin’s found out that his military is nothing more than the painted rust of the Soviet Union.
How should I handle this situation? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
You don’t. You don’t ever call her or text her again for any reason. She blew you off. You don’t keep chasing after somebody that cheats and lies on her boyfriend. If you want a relationship, you should be focused on meeting and dating women and learning my book, so you can screen out women like this. Because there are all these red flags and you’re like, “I can work with this, Coach. I can work with this. What do I need to do to get her back?”
She’s not going to be loyal and faithful to anybody, because she’s a liar and a cheater. She’s not an honest person. This is somebody that if she reaches out, invite her over, make dinner together and hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. Don’t take her out. Don’t spend money on her, other than the food or the drink or whatever when she comes over, and that’s it.
“Why don’t you ever take me out?” “Because you have a boyfriend.” “Well, how come you ever take me to a restaurant? I don’t have my boyfriend anymore.” It’s like, “Well, because you cheated on your boyfriend with me, and we’re just kind of friends with benefits, that’s all. You know, when you lie and you cheat, I’m not going to have a relationship with you, but we can be friends with benefits. That’s great.”
“But I’m looking for somebody that will be loyal and faithful to me, and you’re not that. If you cheat on your boyfriend with me, you’ll cheat on me eventually. So, let’s be really honest.” Be brutally honest with her. And she’ll stick around and probably try to get you to change your mind over time, but you’ve just got to say, “No, thank you.”
Third Viewer’s Email:
I’ve just got to say, it’s been about 4 years with my current girlfriend who couldn’t be more perfect. She comes from a loving family, she’s a dancer/Pilates instructor, works harder than anyone I know, treats me spectacular, is kind to everyone and has an amazing heart.
Sounds pretty good. She comes from a good family, good family values, parents are loyal and faithful to each other.
She’s still with me, even though I haven’t solidified my career yet, and she supports me through it all.
Yeah, because you have a vision and a mission. It’s not like how the guys in the red pill community go, “Oh, the women wait at the finish line and only hang out with the winners.” It’s like, he’s a work in progress, but he has a goal, a mission, a vision for his life. He’s trying to accomplish it, and she wants to be a part of that.
That’s the important piece about it. It doesn’t mean you have to be a millionaire and have all of your ducks in a row. It just means you’ve got to know what you want, you’ve got to know why you want it, and then you’ve got to be executing a plan to make it happen. And that’s what he’s doing.
That’s attractive because men who behave that way are competent and they get things done, and women like that because they can lean on them and count on them when they’re unsure and they feel weak, or they’re having a tough day, or when they’re relying upon you to be the man who brings home the bacon, so they can raise the babies and be a stay at home mom.
If it wasn’t for you and your book, I’d still be so lost. I went through a 1.5-year relationship before I got into this one and have literally listened to your book close to 20 times now.
Here’s the magic secret: 20 times. If you read this book 20 times, you’re going to know it backwards and forwards. The quickest way to commit this to memory, remember, we’re only going to retain maybe 7%, 8%, 9% of what we read, see and hear each time we go through it. And so, in this book, you’ve got a 300+ pages, a 7-hour audiobook. If you put the audiobook on 2-speed and say you have the Kindle version with the whisper sync feature, if you put it on 2-speed when you’re listening to the audiobook, as it’s going through it, it highlights the words as they’re being spoken.
And so, if you’re looking at the book while you’re hearing it and it’s on 2-speed, it forces your brain to concentrate way better than just listening to the audiobook in the background, or just reading the book by yourself, or working out and listening to the audiobook through your headphones. This way you can get through each reading in 3 1/2 – 4 hours, and if you want to get through 15-20 reads, you could do a couple of reads a week with that.
Because you want to get to know this stuff so well that you can transition back and forth. When a guy goes through it once or a couple of times, he picks up some things here and there. Remember, 7-8% is all he’s going to get. So, you’re going to get 7-8% of little bits here and there throughout the book. And so, when you’re in a situation with a woman, it’s like you’re just not going to remember the ebb and flow.
You’ve got to remember, we’ve all been propagandized by the same movies and the same TV shows. It’s like being born into a prison, a mental prison, a mindset prison, if you will, that you don’t even know you’re in. And so, part of the book helps you discover all of the unattractive things that you’ve been doing and what’s actually attractive, what women actually like and respond to.
Because most women don’t know. And they’ll tell you what they think, but if you ask the right question, which is, “Well, tell me about the guys that you actually dated and stayed with.” And then you match what the guys do that they actually stayed with versus the guys they say they want, you’ll recognize, “Wow, it doesn’t match.”
Just like if you guys watch the podcasts that I do with the girls. There’s so much contradictions and stuff that they say, and it’s amusing, it’s funny, but that’s why I do it, so you guys can see this stuff in real time. As I’m having conversations with the girls, you’re like, “They’re not making any sense, they just totally contradicted themselves.” It’s like, that’s the whole point. So, you can see what I talk about. Because that way, if you have the knowledge, then when you’re moving throughout your kingdom, wherever you happen to be in the world, and you encounter these same things, you’re like, “A-ha! I remember that.”
The first girl turned out to be trash, lied to me, was an escort and “worked” for a 65-year-old rich man and his wife behind my back, (sleeping with them).
Oh! Definitely not a girl you want to take home to Mom.
It’s been about 3 years since I read it last, but it’s changed my life for good.
I would recommend at least once a year go back through it.
Before this, I literally couldn’t even speak to a girl I liked, and if I somehow got the courage, I would without a doubt turn them off.
Yeah, because you’re constantly communicating you’re not worthy, “I don’t deserve to be with you,” and women can feel that. And the number one most important thing that women find attractive in men is confidence. And if you’re displaying the opposite of it, they’re not going to stick around for very long.
I was raised by a single mom in an extremely rough household. But listening to your book, literally over 20 times those years ago, completely changed my dating life…
That’s because it changed your mindset.
…and helped shift my mindset towards learning.
My success in my career is also taking off due to applying the same learning principles you teach, (need to read it 10-15 times).
Yes, it’s a great cheat code for life. Really great books, whether it’s business, or life, or whatever it happens to be, that help you, that are full of great information, those are the books you want to read multiple times. Then, like I said, if you read them on 2-speed, you can get through it and half of the time and really get through a bunch of reads and commit this stuff.
Because once you learn something like this and you apply it, it becomes a part of you for your whole entire life. And then you can easily and effortlessly pass that on to your children, because you don’t have to think about it anymore. When you read the book 15, 20 times or more, you don’t have to think about this stuff, because you just know the knowledge. You’re not going, “I’m not sure what to do.” But when you read it once or twice, you’re trying to remember vague things in your mind, you end up coming off like a robot, and nine times out of ten you do the wrong thing anyway, because you’re still mostly influenced by the old programming, the way that you used to be.
That’s why guys that read the book once or twice and they start getting laid, and they they blow it off, they get into a relationship 4, 5, 6, 8 months, a year later, and it just completely goes sideways. And what happens is over that period of time, they go right back to being almost exactly the way they were before they met the girl. And they don’t even realize it happens. It just happens slow. Because their ego tells them, “I’ve got this, she likes me, she’s with me, we’re having sex.” And next thing you know, he’s getting friend zoned or she’s moving out, and he’s like, “I’ve got to get her back.” And I’m like, “It would have been better if you called me a few months ago, instead of after she moved out and is dating somebody else.”
Re-reading the best few books I’ve found in my field 10+ times is catapulting my career. I’ve been failing at for over 5 years now, (I’m too stupid to quit, Lol).
Well, you get paid based upon the value that you bring to the marketplace, and your mission is to grow your reserve of knowledge and to develop your gifts, your skills and your talents. And you should also be modeling the success of other people. Who are the most successful people in your career? What are they doing? Read their books, go sit down with them. Maybe you go work for them and learn what it is that they do and model that, instead of trying to reinvent the wheel.
And I talk about these things extensively in my second book, “Mastering Yourself,” which is a book on self reliance, and it’s about how to align your life with your true calling and reach your full potential. And you can read it for free, obviously, by signing up to the email newsletter.
In a time when most other “successful” stock traders are losing money, I am crushing it. I come from a lower middle-class family, our home would flood, half of the doors are broken. I never made over 20k a year and am on pace to make high six figures this year through trading, and I am positioning myself perfectly to start a hedge fund in 5 years and make many billions. I’d love to meet you in person one day, Thank you for helping me in my relationship to the point where it’s so freaking easy and effortless with the most amazing girl.
Well, thanks for sharing.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge, you’ve got something that you’re struggling with in your personal or professional life, and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur