How 3% Man Can Make Avoidant Women Purr Like Kittens

How 3% Man soothes the heart of avoidant women so they love & want you more.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got involved with what he says is an avoidant woman. In reality, her fearfulness and acting like a cat confused, befuddled and uncentered him. I point out the flaws in his mindset and how to respond when she backs away in a way that is charming, playful and masculine to make her feel safe and more attracted instead of pushing her away.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who got involved with what he believes is an avoidant woman, but in reality her fearfulness and acting like a cat confused, befuddled and uncentered him. So I point out the flaws in his mindset and how he’s looking at things. I see a lot of guys recently that this attachment style stuff has only been talked about for the last two or three years. It’s something that’s relatively new and new theory, if you will. When I see a lot of guys doing is getting all caught up in attachment theory and then jumping through their butt, trying to please a girl or try to cater to her, what often happens is they absolve themselves from any responsibility for their unattractive behavior, then just go, “Oh, that’s her attachment style.”

So what’s most important, and what I’m most concerned with as a coach, is getting people to act in ways that are consistent with the book, meaning acting attractive, acting masculine, acting manly, and taking the leader, because once a guy acts natural, what is innate to all of us, almost all the issues that you’re going to deal with, provided you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman and not a lunatic, will resolve themselves. In other words, if he cleans up his unattractive behavior, most of these issues that he’s having, which are really based in his own mindset, will go away and they’ll be a non issue.

Remember, love is playful and fun. You’re supposed to be charming. Occasionally treat her like the bratty little sister. You’re supposed to lead. You invite her to join you for dates. You figure out where you’re going to go. You make dinner reservations, you handle the babysitter, all those kinds of things. Again, you want a woman to kind of date with you and be able to relax, just look hot, have a good time, and you take care of everything, but the more you abdicate your leadership role, the more she’s going to feel unsafe, the more it’s going to force her into her masculine, and the more she’s going to resent it and not react too well. If a woman doesn’t feel safe, the legs are going to close.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

Just discovered you within the last two months (On my second read of 3% Man). I have never had a problem with women or dating. I’ve had my share of heartbreak, and I’ve broken some. About two months ago, I started to talk to a girl I’ve known professionally for 15 years. I reached out to her and we started talking (long-distance). She was very into me and I was cautiously into her and we talked over Facetime a few times. I went to visit her and we had a great time. I never talked to her about where it was going or even about a relationship.

Well, as the book says, your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun, and hook up. All relationships start as casual relationships, and once a woman is emotionally invested, especially if you’re following what’s in the book, it usually takes about six to seven weeks with a woman who is normal and healthy, and starts out with a decent amount of romantic interest in you. In other words, on a scale of one to 10, her interest is at least a five, and then you can raise it. If it’s below a five, there’s nothing you can do. She’s just not into it. You don’t move the needle for her.

She is the one that said she would want us to try to live together within a year. She was the one that was super into me. We slept together on that first visit.  

Long story short, push/pull dynamic where I would mirror her energy and back off each time she did. Then she would be back to hot and super into me. 

We got to understand how women operate. They put so much time into their nails, their hair, what outfit they’re going to wear, what shoes they’re going to wear, what perfume, their makeup, all of these things to look good in order to get our attention. Physically, it’s a woman’s job to get our attention. So we spend time with them. We court them, we sweep them off their feet, and then we penetrate them emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically, ultimately. It’s our job to do those things.

You got to understand that, as a man, you’re focused on your mission, your purpose first and foremost, and under normal circumstances, you’re busy, you’re focused on your mission and your purpose. Then you get a call, your girl stops by the office, comes by your house on the weekend or at night to get you, or to pull you away from your purpose and your mission, or to distract you, if you will. So you pay attention to her and penetrate her with your strength and obviously your meat missile.

At the end of the day, if you’re acting masculine and, it is true in the beginning of the courtship, usually for about the first three to four weeks, a guy calls, texts and initiates a date. Again, this is assuming she’s normal and healthy, her interest starts to go up. She’s going to call you, she’s going to text you, she’s going to Facetime you, she’s going to send you memes. You should assume that if she’s reaching out, she probably wants to see you. So make a date.

Most of the time, women are not going to ask you out on a date. They’ll just call you or text you see what you’re doing. What they’re doing is they’re trying to make it easy for you to make a date and an opportunity for sex to happen, That’s how it works. If you act masculine, she’ll feel safe enough to do that. If you’re not needy, clingy, smothering her, blowing up her phone and trying to get her to commit to you after your first date, then she’ll start to pursue you. Once that happens, then you just wait to hear from her. Then you set the next date.

As the weeks go by, you go from just starting out once a week where you initiate it, you get into week three, four, five, then typically you’re probably seeing each other two to four times a week, she’s calling you just about every day, every other day, that kind of thing. If you, all of a sudden, spend like Friday, Saturday, Sunday together, Monday, Tuesday, you should expect she’ll probably be a little distant. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just the way women are. They go off and they process their feelings. They go away fulfilled.

Sometimes a guy will see that and go, “Wow, she doesn’t seem as into me Sunday night or Monday morning when she left, as she was when she came over Friday night or I picked her up Friday night.” Then guys that are fearful start to think there’s something wrong. There’s something they have to fix. They know she’s not calling or texting as much as she had been doing the previous week, and they start to worry that something’s off. They try to fix it and then they just come off as needy and clingy, which drives a woman away further. Whereas men who understand that women are like cats, especially when you just spend three or four days together, most guys that have their shit together are glad to have the extra time so they can get caught up in other things, spend time with friends, family, go see their mother, that kind of thing. Then when the woman doesn’t hear from you for a day or two and her interest starts to go back up, then she starts trying to pull you back into her world by calling you or texting you, Facetiming you, sending you a meme, that kind of thing.

So in other words, you don’t want to get perturbed. You don’t want to get bothered. If she’s really hot to be with you and spend a lot of time or she’s not, it really doesn’t bother you one way or another. You’re indifferent to it. At the end of the day, if say, you spent three or four days together and you used to hearing from her every day, then all of a sudden you don’t hear from her for four or five days, well the following week, on a Monday or Tuesday, you call, you text, and you just go back to the once-a-week reaching out rule. It’s very simple.

You don’t freak out, you don’t go, “What’s wrong?” You just you get to the point where this happens so much because when you’re not used to it, when you don’t understand how women operate and they tend to seem like they’re hot and cold, it’s just they spend a lot of time with you, they get familiar, and then they’re OK doing something else. Then when your behavior doesn’t change and you don’t call, you don’t text more, you just continue on the same even keeled calm path. Then their interest starts to go up. They start to wonder about you.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So that’s when they reach out to you to feel your strength, to feel your presence, to try to get your attention. Then you just make the next date. If you haven’t been through that enough, if the book is new, like it is to this guy, and you don’t understand the fact that women tend to operate like cats, you have to learn it. You have to experience it. You have to see a woman who, all of a sudden, you spend a lot of time together and she seems a little distant, like she’s less interested, but in reality, you just spent a lot of time together. So her enthusiasm level is going to seem or appear to drop, but this is just normal behavior.

This is the way women are. Then they go and they talk to their girl friends, their co-workers, their mom, their sister, or their best friend, whoever happens to be, and gush about you and the weekend you just spend together, whatever happens to be. Meanwhile, you’re focused on your purpose and your mission. You might not have heard from her for a day or two, and then two days later she calls you and she’s like, “Hey, you! Are your ears burning?” I would be like, “Why do you say that?” “Well, we’ve been talking about you.” It’s like, “Well, who’s we?” “Well, me and the girls from work. I was telling them about how great you are, and they’re all jealous.” That’s the kind of thing. “I was thinking about you.” I would be like, “Well, I’m thinking about you too, babe. I’m thinking about you naked in my bed again. So let’s get together. I want to see your face.” Then you make the next date. Then you get off the phone, and then you think, “Wow, she sure seems excited. I haven’t talked to her in three days.” Then she calls you up and now she’s all really excited again. That’s just the way they are. When that happens enough a few dozen times over the course of six months to a year, then you go, “Oh, I’ve seen this movie before. I know how this works.”

This is the woman’s process. This is what they go through. You don’t get bothered. A woman who’s got attachment issues, she may be a little bit more insecure. Especially if you smother her, call her, or you’re not in your masculine enough, you should expect a pullback. She may stay away longer, a little bit longer than a normal healthy woman, but it shouldn’t cause you to change your approach, change your attitude, freak out, or start trying to jump through your butt to please her or get her attention.

So long story short, push-pull dynamic where I would mirror her energy and back off each time she did. Then she would be back to hot and super into me again. That’s just the way they are. I didn’t make them like that. If you don’t like it, talk to the big man upstairs. You’re not supposed to freak out or be diminished in any way by what a woman does, no matter how much or how little she spends time with you. You’re still just even keel, calm, cool, and collected.

She had a lot of fears around commitment (Funny thing is she is the one that wanted commitment and I said nothing).

Well again, women are emotional. Feminine energy is chaos. Then having fears around commitment when she says, “Oh, I’m really scared about commitment.” “No problem, babe. Just take your time. The world’s not going to end tomorrow. I mean, it could, but we got plenty of time, and it’s nice to hear from you. We should get together.”

She said she needed to go slow (I said, “That’s fine. I don’t need to go on our next trip together to Florida”). I said nothing else about that and a week later she asked me to come along.

So in other words, she’s going, “Oh, I don’t know. We spent so much time together. It’s feeling like a relationship. I’m a little runaway bride,” kind of thing, kind of vibe. He’s like, “Well, no problem. Then just go to Florida by yourself. I’ll go in the next one.” That’s indifference. That’s just like, you could take it or leave it.

When you’ve been with enough women, had enough relationships, you’re like, “Actually, it’s going to be kind of nice to have her gone because we have spent a lot of time together,” and girls are annoying like that. “With her being out of town this weekend, I can catch up with the boys. I can go see my family. I can clean out my garage. I can get caught up on some errands and things that I needed to do. So it’ll be nice to have some extra time this weekend.” You don’t want to tell her that because you’re like, “You don’t care about me.” That’s when you’re calm, you’re centered, you’re relaxed, and you’re unperturbed. You’ll be excited when she’s not available as much, because then you’ve got other things to do and catch up on.

The insecure guy freaks out about that and starts calling and texting too much, because he wonders why she’s not calling him so much when she’s on a trip or whatever. You should be unperturbed.

Then back to the cold energy and me matching and she breaks it off the next weekend and wants to remain friends. I gave her a paraphrased message that you say to give to exes suggesting friendship.

So she says, “Oh, I can’t do this,” again, this is not the behavior of a normal woman. At the end of the day, I’m not going to cater to some chick that’s got attachment issues or emotional issues, or she came from a broken home. You want easygoing, easy to get along with, nice to you, and a girl that was raised right. Not a fucking screwball. So if she’s behaving, this ought to break it off. It’s like, “Let’s just be friends.” It’s like, “Well, we can be friends with benefits. We just keep it casual. It’s no big deal.” “No, I just want something platonic.” It’s like, “Well, I’m not interested in that. You know, just take a few days, and when you miss my sexy body, hit me up.” Just be indifferent. Like it’s not a big deal.

Women tend to take these little things and they go, “Ahh, the end of the world! Oh my God!” As a man, you shrink it back down to nothing. It’s like, “Hey, just take a few days and hit me up. When you miss me and you’re having impure thoughts again, just hit me up, babe,” and it doesn’t bother you. You could stay. You could go. You’re still going to be the same guy.

She told me at the start that she was an avoidant and after reading more I think she’s fearful avoidant because she really freaked herself out and then took off.  

Again, that shouldn’t bother you one way or another because it’s not your job to fix this girl. She’s got avoidant attachment issues. So what? It’s her problem. You should be focusing on how she’s treating you. Is she easygoing? Easy to get along with? Is she nice to you? Obviously, when you spot this kind of behavior after only a few weeks of dating, it’s the kind of thing that makes you go, “OK well, she might really just be better as a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. Not really girlfriend or wife material because, quite frankly, I don’t want to deal with her fucking neuroses. I don’t want to deal with her avoidant attachment issues. I don’t really even care. I don’t want to deal with that.” If she’s messed up, let her go fix herself. That’s her job to do.

Remember, what did Jim Rohn say? “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” If she’s got all these issues, I don’t want to fucking deal with it. If her father screwed her up, I don’t care. It’s not my problem. “Go fix your issues. When you miss me terribly and you want to hang out and have fun together, hit me up.” Other than that, I’m going to continue on with my life, and I’m going to entertain other ladies until I find one who is easygoing, easy to get along with, who’s nice to you, who communicates like an adult, who loves her dad, admires her dad, respects her dad and doesn’t have all these BS issues here. You should be wanting to get the best that you can. Not some chick that’s an emotional basket case.

How does your material apply to someone that is avoidant? I know in your videos you say it identifies the crazy ones and drives them nuts. I can tell you when I said no thanks to friendship she blocked me on all social media. Seems like one I should run away from.

Bob

Well again, at the end of the day, if her behavior is acting screwy, that’s a her problem. That’s not a you problem. You’re not responsible for that. You didn’t mess her up. You didn’t do the poor job of raising her. You do have to spot this kind of behavior and maybe a couple of times you’ll put up with it, but if it’s just every time they get close, they act this way, that’s not a normal girl. That’s not how normal, healthy women behave. Normal, healthy women are never going to say shit like this to you and just break it off and end it, and then come back a week or two later crying, “Oh, I really screwed up.” Then they do it all over again a couple weeks later. That’s a chick that is a screwball, and you should treat him as fuck buddies, friends with benefits, sex playmates and that’s it, and wear a raincoat. Practice safe sex so you don’t slip one past the goalie and just keep dating other women. You want a good one, not somebody that’s a head case. A woman that will make your dick hard. Not your life hard. As men, we got too many other things going on in life that make life hard as it is, and we want to come home to a peaceful home. We want a girlfriend who’s sweet and calm and brings peace into our our lives. Not some neurotic, emotionally hijacked jack-in-the-box. That’s something to think about.

So in this case, again, when she runs away, if you get annoyed with it, she says she wants to start seeing you or she talks about getting serious, it’s like, “I like you, but I don’t really think our goals and values are aligned.” She says, “Well, why do you say that?” I would be like, “Because I don’t like the way you treat me. We spent a bunch of time together and then you want to break it off or you try to friend-zone me. You’ve done that like four times already. That’s not normal behavior. You got to be nice to me. Don’t call me or text me and tell me shit like that. If you’re having issues, go deal with it. Your therapist or your family. I don’t want to deal with that nonsense. I want a good teammate. I want you to take care of you and your issues and I want you to be nice to me. I’ll be supportive, but being in a relationship with somebody that’s going to treat me that way, I don’t want a girlfriend that acts like that. I want somebody that’s consistent, that’s reliable, that I can count on, that’s not going to be freaking out every couple of days and thinking the world is ending because I don’t want to deal with that. I want peace in my life.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.