How Do I Get Her Back Before She Moves Out For Good?

How to create the conditions to potentially reverse a breakup before she moves out and leaves for good.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been married to his wife of 20 years who says she is leaving after a rough stretch during the past 2 years. They have 2 sons who are 25 and 16. She has told him she is leaving and moving about 2 hours away to live rent free at a friends house. She has no job and he still pays all the bills. She refuses to go to marriage counseling and says she is done. She is slowly moving things to her new place and dividing up their possessions.

He found my work recently and after reading my book, 3% Man, realized that he stopped dating and courting her and making her feel heard and understood. She is now warmer towards him and they talk more openly, but she still says she is leaving. He’s thinking about starting to date other women. She also hasn’t told their sons that she is breaking up the family. He still wants her back, but she isn’t interested in reconciling. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Like I’ve said many times over the years, discussing this topic, is that it takes two people to make things work. Right now he’s the only one that wants to make things work, and she’s still adamant that she’s out.

If you bottom line her actions, her actions are still the actions of a woman who is planning on moving out and moving on with her life, but she still hasn’t pulled the trigger completely and told the kids, their sons. I mean, one of them is not a kid anymore. He’s 25 years old. He’s an adult, but she hasn’t told anybody that she’s out and she’s leaving other than, I guess, the friend that’s two hours away.

There is a possibility. There is a chance that he could re-attract her before she completely leaves and moves out because, I mean, they’ve probably been together close to 30 years. Once they recognize what they’ve been doing wrong and they want to correct it, it’s understandable that they’re going to want to stay and fix things.

With that said, with that long introduction, it’s a good email and there is a lot of good information that he puts in here, because I know a lot of guys are in these kinds of situations when I do phone sessions. You have to be tactful in how you approach things, but you also have to be real, because as it stands right now, from the time I got this email, the wife is like, “I’m out. I’m not interested in reconciliation. I’m not interested in going to marriage or couple’s therapy. When I’m done, I’m done.”

The only thing he has control over are the controllables, if you will, like I talk about in Mastering Yourself. When we look at mindset and success, he has control over how he shows up. His job should be to become the most attractive man that he can become, because that will create the conditions where potentially her attraction starts to return and she’ll stick around longer. She’ll go to her new place less. She’ll start talking more about how she’s confused and unsure if this is what she really wants. At the end of the day, the only thing he has control over is how he shows up, so that’s what we can work on.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

After a rough stretch of 2 years, my wife of 20 years told me she is leaving. I discovered your work only a short time ago as I tried to figure out what was happening, and I am on my third read of your book and have watched countless videos.

Well, good job. The fact that you just found my work recently, you already been through the book, he’s talking about 3% Man, three times, shows that he’s serious about this. At least he’s serious now, because he didn’t take his wife seriously over the last several years when she was complaining about the same things over and over again, but nothing changed.

I became complacent in the marriage. I worked and earned money to support the house, did the “man’s work” such as garbage, yard work, and minor household repairs. As a stay-at-home wife, my expectation was that she do the housework, deal with the bills, do shopping, schedule appointments and car repairs and the like. In my mind, that was the split. For her, it became too much – I know now how wrong I was. 

Honestly, being a stay-at-home mom and expecting her to do it, that’s normal. I mean, that’s her job, in essence. From the perspective of the laws that got instituted, custody, alimony, child support and all those things is a full time job raising kids. Especially if you’re a stay-at-home mom.

Now, one of the sons is 25, the other one is 16 in high school, got two more years to go before he graduates. As far as being a stay-at-home mom, all she really has to do is take care of the household, so he’s got to be a little realistic and look at that as well, that her job isn’t that busy, but if you’re a man in a marriage and you’re constantly displaying unattractive behavior, you don’t date and call your wife anymore at all. She doesn’t feel heard and understood. You’re going to have problems. It’s not going to go well.

In this case, like I said, their children are so far down the line. One of them is an adult and the other one is almost an adult. As far as being a stay-at-home mom, most of the hard work is already done. She can’t be too busy being a stay-at-home mom, but if she’s living with her husband who neglects her, doesn’t date and court her and doesn’t even spend the time to open her up, because the intimacy dried up as well.

I stopped dating and courting her, and was not decisive on simple issues such as, “Where do you want to go to dinner?”

He completely abdicated his leadership role in the relationship and therefore she lost all attraction and respect for him.

I became very focused on politics, watching the news several hours a day, neglecting the shows we used to watch together and therefore my time with her. Our intimacy vanished. 

He basically made her feel like he didn’t care anymore because he was focused on himself and other things. I mean, when you’re together with somebody almost 30 years, it’s like, how could that not happen? It’s going to happen. Nobody’s perfect. I’m not perfect. I don’t always do everything right.

When I finally realized things were sideways, we talked.  She tried to tell me the issues, but I got butt-hurt and my ego lashed out at her and I basically dismissed her. 

Yeah, it’s pretty hard to work things out and solve things if you can’t talk openly and honestly about them, and he didn’t like the honesty that he was getting back from her, so he dismissed it. So he ended the communication.

So if a woman continually brings up the same issues and yet you don’t want to listen to her and you don’t want her to feel heard and understood because your ego can’t handle it, you’re on borrowed time. Eventually, every woman’s got her breaking point.

I feel like she didn’t do the best job relating how serious it was to her. She should have said, “You’re watching too much TV and if it doesn’t change, I’m going to leave you.” 

But that would be direct and decisive like a man would say it, and that’s not how women are.

But I realize now women don’t do that. I would have changed, but wasn’t reading the signs.

Well, it’s not like they teach us this stuff in school. They don’t teach us what to look for.

Quite frankly, most therapists and psychologists don’t even know this stuff because they don’t study attraction. It’s just not part of the curriculum. It’s just things that they simply don’t know.

That’s why over the years, I’m really happy with all the different marriage and couples therapists that I’ve coached and taught this stuff to, because it gives them a set of tools for their toolbox that quite frankly, they don’t get, they don’t have, and it doesn’t exist.

What’s cool is this stuff is being learned by some of the top therapists, couples therapists in the world. They’re putting it in their books, they’re teaching it, they’re putting it in their practice, and they’re a thousand times better than they were with just traditional psychology and emotional type of therapy.

These things are essential, it’s like you can have the best therapists in the world, but if the husband is acting like an unattractive beta male, the wife is not going to want to sleep with him and you’re going to have to solve that problem.

The guy has to understand what his roles are and what creates attraction and what turns women off. This is just something that doesn’t it doesn’t exist. I mean after all, Sigmund Freud said, “Despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul I have never been able to answer the great question, “What does a Woman want?” He couldn’t even figure it out, but thankfully we got this blue book and obviously all the people that I’ve learned from over the years,

Looking back, I did everything wrong that a guy can do wrong. I did try to change and reconnect with her last summer. We have a camper and I thought it would be a good chance to mend things in a low pressure environment over the course of the summer.

I am a teacher, so I had the entire summer to work on it with no work interference. She would not take walks with me, would not even hold my hand, and would spend most of her time with friends at other campsites rather than be alone with me and our son.

I assume the 16-year-old was with them, but the 25-year-old probably has long since moved out and lives on his own, so he’s not too involved.

Probably the whole summer, he’s trying to get her attention, get her to pay attention to him, hold hands and be affectionate, but she’s totally shut down and closed down to him because she basically given up. She basically given up on trying to get through to him and communicate with him in a way that he would understand.

He was trying he was making the effort, but you could see, even last summer, almost a year ago now, she wasn’t having it. She wasn’t going to make any effort at all. You can’t work things out when the other person is not willing to participate. You can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them.

In the past, as he mentioned, when she tried to talk openly and honestly about him, he would shut her down because his ego couldn’t handle what she was saying. Now that she’s leaving, he’s like, “Oh, I better do something about this.” That’s typically how it goes for most guys in these situations.

Fast forward to three weeks ago, where I finally sat her down after discovering your book to get to the bottom of it by really making her talk to me without me giving up on the conversation.

One of the best things you can do when you get home to your wife after work is, “Hey, babe, how was your day?” It’s a great way to just start the conversation flowing. Should always do that.

We talked about the issues (my shortcomings as described above). I accepted blame for my part in creating this and I apologized for not being the husband I should have been to her. I told her I understood the many ways I went wrong and that I wanted to work on that moving forward and offered to go to marriage counseling with her. She declined.

You can’t solve anything if the other person is not willing to participate with you. It takes two people to make a relationship work. When one of them is going, “I’m not making the effort anymore,” there’s not a lot you can do at that point other than become the most attractive man that you can be.

Her seeing that you’re getting fit, getting in shape, moving on with your life, going out on dates again. Those kinds of things, which we’ll get to in a minute.

She said she knows herself, and when she’s done, she’s done.

Yeah, whatever. That’ll change. That changes like the wind, that changes like Mother Nature. When she said that in that moment, when she’s done, she’s done, she felt it, she meant it, she said it, it’s just indicative of how she felt in that moment.

Same thing when she says, I love you, but that was two years ago. She loved you then, but if she’s not saying it now, it’s because she’s not feeling it now. That’s the important thing.

She said she loved me, but was not in love with me. She said she can’t imagine her life without me, but she has started moving out, taking her clothes and some personal effects. 

Well, a little mindset thing to keep in there is remember the Tom Petty song that I like to reference, “Good love is hard to find. If you think you can do better than me, then go. But remember, good love is hard to find. If I don’t take you all the way, then go. But remember, good love is hard to find.”

She has started dividing our possessions.

The other thing to keep in mind here is that she’s the one blowing the family up. She’s the one splitting it apart. Therefore, she’s going to be the one that’s going to have to go to your two sons and explain to her that she’s dipping out, that she doesn’t want to be a part of the family anymore, that she wants to be a single girl. On top of that, she’s going to move two hours away.

That’s part of the reasons why she hasn’t brought that up, because then everybody’s going to know in the family, it’s all on Mom. Mom’s the one that gave up, that tapped out and said she doesn’t want to make the effort to be the matriarch of the family anymore. She’s like, “I’m out.” That is an emotionally painful event, and that’s why she’s going to avoid it. From a leverage perspective, that’s a little feather to put in your cap.

It’s also important to understand that, as the man, if you’re in a relationship like this guy and you want to stay married, you’re like, “I’m not moving out. I’m not leaving. I’m not going to sleep in the guest room.” If you want to sleep in the guest room, you can go there. This is super important from a logistics and a leverage perspective.

If you’re in this situation, you want to work things out and your girl doesn’t, she’s going to have to be the one to leave. She’s going to have to be the one to go explain to the kids why she’s breaking the family up. The younger the kids are, the more emotional leverage you have with her. The older, the harder it is.

They’ve been together almost 30 years, probably. I mean, if the son is 25, I don’t know how many years they were together before they had their first child, but that’s a long time. That’s a lot of emotional bonding and a lot of time together, a lot of familiarity. Even still, that’s a really hard and painful thing to have to address and that’s why she’s putting it off.

The reason she’s putting it off is she’s not completely 100% certain that she really is going to go for good, even though she maintains it. That’s why in this kind of a situation where she’s still living there, most of the time, you have a chance to work things out.

The key is to set the conditions in your household to where if it gets to that point, everybody knows mom’s the one that’s leaving, Mom’s the one that tapped out. If you get to that point and you’re addressing it with your kids, you have to make sure that you let both your sons know that this is all on your mom.

Yeah, you screwed up and you did things that turned her off, but you wanted to work things out and she didn’t. She’s the one that wants to leave, so she’s going to have to explain why, in essence, she gave up on their dad. That’s really painful and unpleasant and that’s why she’s going to avoid it at all costs.

The worst thing a guy can do in this situation is him be the one to go to the children and say they’re splitting up, because then it looks like he’s the one that that’s splitting the family up. If the mom has to go and say, “I’m leaving and here’s my reasons for leaving,” then typically she’s not going to get a good response from the children because they’re going to be like, “What? You’re quitting? You’re giving up. You’re giving up on us? On dad? What?” When they’re little kids, their kids are going to be crying, they’re going to be emotional, and that’s really super unpleasant.

The worst thing a guy in this situation can do is move out of his bedroom and into the guest room. If you have moved into the guest room, then move back to the master suite and say, “I want to keep the family together. If we’re going to split up, you’re going to be the one who splits it up, and everybody is going to know that you’re the one that wrecked the family. Everybody’s going to know that you are the one that broke the family up. You’re going to be the one to go tell the children why you’re leaving and why you don’t want to keep the family together and why the family’s not important to you and why you want to go be a single boss girl.”

That forces her to address everything. Don’t make it easy on her by taking all this stuff on. Don’t make it easy on her by going and getting a divorce attorney. If you want to stay in the marriage, your actions should be congruent with staying in the marriage. If she’s unhappy, she moves out of the master suite into a guest room. Then in this case, eventually she’s going to move two hours away, but she’s doing it slowly because it’s obvious she’s not super excited about it.

Again, there’s still hope that she could change her mind if he becomes attractive, if he starts taking the leadership role, but she’s got to give him an opportunity because right now she’s not having it.

The house she is moving to belongs to her friend, is about 2 hours away and is rent free. The problem is that she is still really living here. She spends a day or two at a time at the new place every 10 days or so. She has not had the courage to tell our sons (25 and 16 yrs old) about the split. 

It’s super important that you go back and rewind my diatribe that I just went through on that. When you have kids, the family and who’s going to leave, it has to be clear to the family that mom’s the one that’s screwing everything up. She’s going to have to explain that.

If you’ve put the ball in her court and make her do it, which she should be the one to do it, that’s a very painful thing. It will help give you leverage to cause her to rethink thing. If you go and you do the stuff for you make it easy and you’re basically communicating that you don’t really want to work things out. That’s why it has to all be 100% on her.

This was 95% my fault, and I want to work this out.

It was your fault, because you stopped dating and courting her. You stopped making her feel heard and understood. That was your fault, and the fact that you would not communicate openly and honestly with her, because you couldn’t handle the truth. That’s on you. At the end of the day, she’s the one that’s leaving. She’s the one that’s tapping out or says she’s tapping out.

I do love her and she was a good wife who hung in there while I was screwing up. I have begun to work on myself – I am in shape, and am reading your work to correct myself and stay in my masculine.

Those are the controllables. That’s what you have control over.

I can’t do no contact because she is still here. How do I give her the gift of missing me if she doesn’t leave?

Well, she doesn’t want to work on anything. At the end of the day, two people come together to share their completeness, not to complete one another. Your job, as the man of the household, is driving the fun bus and one of the girls or your wife, I should say, has gotten off the fun bus and doesn’t want to be a part of it. It’s like, “Hey, the fun bus continues with or without you.” So have fun with your sons with or without her.

If you’re going to go do something with your son, invite her to come at least the one that still lives at home. I assume the 16-year-old. If she doesn’t, that’s fine too. Live your life. Go see your mother. Go see your parents. Go see your friends.

If you’re like most people, you probably got friendships that you’ve kind of let go by the wayside. Go spend time with them. Go hang out with them. Go to the gym. Do fun things that you love and enjoy. If she wants to come, great. If she doesn’t, that’s fine too.

In other words, life goes on with or without her. “I’d love to have you, but if you don’t, that’s OK too. Enjoy staying at home by yourself.”

Should I be trying to date her while she’s still living here, or is her interest so low that it is not possible? 

If she’s willing to go out on a date with you, take her out on a date. If she doesn’t, it’s the same thing. It’s the seduction process in the book. You hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out. In other words, she’s doing 80% to 90% of the talking. Then when the opportunity is there that she’s playing with her hair, she’s touching your arm, she’s extra close to you, she’s bumping into you, that’s when you escalate to kissing. Then ultimately to heavy petting, to hands wandering, the clothes slowly coming off until you’re ultimately inside of her. That’s the seduction process.

Your job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up. In other words, date her. If she’s willing to go out on a date, if she’s open to it, you’re like, “Hey, we’re going to go do this,” or “Hey, why don’t we go have some dinner Friday night?” Or, “Hey, let’s go to a bed and breakfast for the week,” or whatever. Probably not a bed and breakfast thing, but he is talking about going camping or whatever.

If she doesn’t want to spend time with you, don’t be perturbed at all. Be excited that you get to do fun things with yourself or with other people that you care about. You’re driving the fun bus and you just want to know, “Hey, who wants to play with me today?” That’s basically what it boils down to. “Who wants to play with me today?” Her attitude may change. Tomorrow she may want to.

Since she has no job, I feel like she is just staying until she can find one and afford to go, which to me is a bit dishonest and unfair. If I’m so hard to be around and she is so unhappy, she should be dying to go. 

Well, women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, it means they voted for you. Right now, she still hasn’t made the decision 100% to go. The more you get your act together, the more you make her feel heard and understood when you are around each other, you be playful, tease her, 90% of the charm and James Bond, 10% of the time you’re ripping on her and making fun of her and having a good time, because love is playful and fun.

Take the stick out of your ass. Loosen up a little bit. Don’t take anything personally. Don’t get butt-hurt if she says she’s leaving. It’s like, “Well, you can go. I’m going to miss you. Our sons are going to miss you, but I don’t want to get divorced. If you want to get divorced, you’re going to do that. You’re going to go serve me with divorce papers. I’m going to show it to the kids. I’m going to explain to them everything.”

“You’re going to have to take 100% ownership. You’re not going to slink on out of here in the middle of the night, move two hours away and leave me to deal with it. The kids are going to know exactly what happened and why it happened. Then you can explain to them your reasoning.”

We have actually talked more and gotten along better since her decision. 

That’s the important thing. You guys are talking and you’re opening her up. You’re making her feel heard and understood. That’s going to warm her up to you. As she warms up to you, she’ll touch you more. Simple as that.

After our last talk, where I again acknowledged my part emphasizing I didn’t see the gravity of the situation or I would have changed, I told her I understand I can’t change her mind now, but that I can’t move on if she doesn’t go. She didn’t want to set a date for her final move-out.  

The reason she didn’t set a final date is because she’s not 100% ready to go. Again, that means there’s still a chance, but she has to choose it. You can’t force it. Just like when a guy first starts dating a girl that I talk about in the book, you can’t call and text her and obsess over and blow up her phone and be texting and talking on messaging apps 24/7 and expect her to become attracted to you. You have to be the man who has a great life with or without her.

The next morning, she came in and gave me a very long hug, unsolicited by me. 

So there you have an opening.

I took that as a sign maybe her view had softened. 

This is what happens when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. When she doesn’t, the legs close.

What’s happening is she feels a little more heard and understood. Her feelings come back, because she feels safe and comfortable. She can express herself, you’re no longer going to get butt-hurt and pissed off and leave and shut her down. You’re letting her talk until she feels like she’s gotten off her chest, whatever she had to get off her chest. When she feels that way, she’s going to feel warmer and she’s going to be affectionate.

Again, the signs that I talk about in the book, playing with their hair, touching your arm. In this case, she came over and gave you a hug. If she’s that close and hugging you long, kiss her, seduce her. Go through the seduction process. It’s in the book. If she pulls away, let her pull away. Don’t get butt-hurt, don’t get mad, don’t get angry.

Women are like cats. She can stay. She can go. She can stay. She can go. It doesn’t matter. “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” as Thich Nhat Hanh said.

Before I left for work, she announced she was moving some more stuff to her place and would be gone for a few days. I was crushed.

Again, “I love it if you stay. If you go, I still love you. I’d want you to come back, but it’s up to you. I’m going to move on with my life.”

I know I am projecting my interest level onto her, setting myself up for heartbreak. I will continue to read and work on myself, and I am looking into dating so I can have options. However, can I really date someone while she is living here? How would that work?

Well, I probably wouldn’t be bringing them back to your house, but you could go and meet for drinks and have a good time. If your wife asks, say, “Yeah, I went for a drink the other night.” “Well, how’d it go?” “That’s cool. She was a nice girl. Real pretty. Talkative, fun. We had a good time.” “Did you kiss her?” Gentlemen, don’t kiss and tell. “Why, are you jealous? Would you rather kiss me instead? Are you sure you want to go? Are you sure?”

How do I end this cycle? 

Be playful. Be fun. Be unperturbed. Don’t get butt-hurt. Don’t come apart emotionally. It’s just not going to help.

Can I even get her back under these conditions?

Well, she hasn’t left yet. She’s talking about leaving. Her actions show like she’s leaving, but when she goes and she’s not around, I wouldn’t call her. I wouldn’t text her. I wouldn’t initiate any contact at all when she’s gone, you got to let her do 100% of it.

She goes and she stays at the place for two or three days and she’s all by herself. Her kids aren’t there. You’re not there. Her furniture, everything she’s familiar with, is not there. What do you think she’s going to be thinking? She’ll be missing the life, because she’s emotionally anchored to all her time with you, your children, your family and everything else that’s gone on over the last, almost 30 years you guys have been together.

She will not kiss me on the lips, and I have stopped saying I love you because I know she won’t say it back.

Good, and as the book says, she should be saying it more. She should be doing it more.

What do I do? 

Let her come to you. When she’s there, be happy to see her. Be playful. Tease her. “Hey, How was your day? How was the new place? What did you do? Do you have fun up there? Go on any dates? Meet any cute guys? Meet any cute girls? Maybe you can bring her by for both of us.” Got to be playful. Don’t take it too seriously.

I really need your help. I feel like this has to be resolved by her leaving, or by her working on this and going to counseling if she’s going to stay living l this. 

Well, don’t try to resolve it at all. Again, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” You shouldn’t be perturbed one way or another. If she goes away to the new place for three or four days, when the cat’s away, the mice will play.

You should play, or by working on this and going to counseling. If she’s going to stay living like this, counseling is not going to help you at this point because she’s uninterested in going. If she becomes interested, then I would recommend it, but you better vet your marriage and couple’s therapists very carefully. You have to both like them.

I’ve had a lot of phone sessions I’ve done over the years where a guy, they get together with a couple’s therapist and it’s a woman and then the woman sides with the wife. Then the two of them work against the husband, and it just doesn’t go well.

You need somebody that’s good, they’ve got a good reputation and they will facilitate both of you talking. It won’t be some one sided ordeal. If one or both of you don’t like the therapist, on to the next. Maybe you interview 10 of them until you find one you really like, that’s OK.

Again, it doesn’t matter because right now she’s not open to it and maybe you won’t need it. If you can get her talking and she opens up and you seduce her, then it’s the same process day in and day out. You get her back to the point where you’re dating kind of like back when you were teenagers or your early 20s, or whatever age you were when you guys started started dating. That’s what you want to get back to. You notice that there’s a little bit of a crack there. Things have opened up a bit. She’s a little warmer towards you.

I fear she will just take all summer long to camp (without me) and move out at her own pace…

Doesn’t matter. Your job is you want to have a great teammate and companion, and right now your wife is saying, “I’m out.” “Great, well, I’m interviewing new candidates.”

You should be dating women that are 15-20 years younger than you, dude. That will really cause her to shit or get off the pot. Not that you want to rub this. You dating other women in her face. Quite frankly, that should all be kept private between you and whoever else you go out on dates with.

Until your wife signals that she wants to work on anything, you’re a free agent, dude. She’s got a new place. She’s slowly moving out. It’s like, she’s staying and she’s dragging it out. Therefore, you shouldn’t be putting your life on hold, because you want her to see that you’re having a good time without her. As a matter of fact, you’re kind of gone a lot these days, and you’re dating and you’re having fun.

If she complains about it, it’s like, “You got a new place, you’re moving out. Until I see you moving your stuff back in, I’m not going to stop dating other girls. Until I see that you actually want to work on our marriage and our relationship, I’m going to put as much effort into it as you do. If you’re putting in an effort into building a new life for yourself, I’m going to do the same thing right now concurrently with that.”

Obviously, I wouldn’t say anything to the kids because, again, that has to come from her mouth and not yours.

…All the while using my earnings to eat, insure her (our) car, etc. If she does go to camp and invites me up, should I go?

Well, isn’t it your camper? If you want to go camp, take the camper and invite her to come with you, dude. This is part of you abdicating the leadership role. You’re like, “Mommy, tell me what to do.” You can’t make your wife your mommy. You just can’t do that.

You need to be the leader. If you want to camp, go fucking camp. If she wants to come with you, that’d be great. If she doesn’t, that’s OK. Either way, the camper’s going on to the campsite with or without her. She can drive there and meet you later if she changes her mind. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet a cute girl at camp.

 I know it violates the 7 Principles, but would it be an exception…

You got to understand, you live with your wife still. This is not like where she moved out and it’s been six months and she has a new boyfriend or whatever. She’s still there. She’s still somebody that you could date, that you live with, is the way you need to look at it.

She’s a potential dating prospect, but right now there’s no dating happening because she’s not even open to it, and her actions and her words are saying “she’s leaving.” If she’s given up, she doesn’t want to go to therapy or couple’s counseling, then you’re a single free agent and she is a single free agent. Quite frankly, you got all the leverage.

You’re in your peak earning years at this point. You’re set up for life pretty much. It’s very easy for you to date women that are 10, 15, 20 years younger than you at this point. You have all the leverage. There is not going to be as many dudes interested in your wife as there are going to be hot younger women interested in you, and that’s a fact.

If you take a step back and you look at your position from a position of leverage, you have most of the leverage. You’re holding all the cards, whether you realize it or not. That’s why you need to start acting like a man consistently.

…Since the camper is “our place” and could offer a chance to reconcile, especially during the week when almost nobody is there.

Again, that mindset is the mindset of, how do I get her attention? How do I get my wife to pay attention to me? No, you don’t. I want to go have fun in camp, so go have fun in camp. She can come with you or not? It doesn’t matter. You don’t sit and wait on your wife to invite you to hang out in your camper. That’s just silly.

I really don’t know what to do. 

Well, obviously, I’ve been going on for quite some time about this.

This situation is so screwed up. 

Yeah, but quite frankly, compared to a lot of guys that I talked to, you’re still living with her and there’s still a possibility you can reconcile. I mean, look at it this way. If you start hanging out and having fun and hooking up with her again, she’s going to spend less time living away. Once she falls back in love, if you follow what’s in the book, she’ll pack all her shit up that’s there and then move it all back in and it’ll be a non-issue. Then you won’t even have to tell your kids.

Your kids will just know that you went through a rough patch and maybe 10, 15 years from now you say, “We were that close to a divorce,” because maybe one of your kids in the future will be in that situation where their girlfriend or their spouse and you both will be able to step in and help them put it back together, if they’re open to that.

Thank you for any help you can provide – I desperately need it. I wish I had found you a year ago. 

Yeah, but you wouldn’t have been open to it. What happened, happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. It wasn’t until your wife was like, “I’m out,” that you finally realized that your approach was not working, and us guys we’re egocentric and we’re hard headed, and that’s just sometimes what it takes.

I might have been able to right the ship.

Bob

You still have the ability to right the ship if she participates. Continue opening her up, continue to be playful, and if she’s hanging out and you guys are having a good time, be like, “Hey, let’s go grab some dinner. Let’s go do this. Let’s go do that. Oh hey, there’s this thing open. Let’s go check that out.”

Hang out, have fun, hook up. Doesn’t have to be an “official date.” Just go have fun. Drive the fun bus. Be the man. Be the leader of the household. If you want to go camping in your camper that you paid for, then take your fucking camper and go camping.

If she loved to come with you, great. If not, say, “Well, if you change your mind a few days or a week or so, come meet us. We’d love to have you.” Then just leave it at that and go have fun camping. Then say, “Hey, how is camping going?” “Things are great. There are so many cool people here. Our son’s flirting with one of the other girls. I think he might get his first girlfriend or a second girlfriend or whatever.” Have fun. Love is playful and fun.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.