The best approaches to take to get your ex-girlfriend back if your actions caused the breakup.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who broke up with his girlfriend of five years several weeks ago after he got mad at her during an argument. She contacted him a week or so later, but he was still mad and not very open to her. Then a few more weeks went by and he was remorseful.
She was reluctant, but eventually came over and they hooked up. However, she still doesn’t want to get back together. He asks what he should do next. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s thinking, “Hey, we hooked up, but even though we hooked up, she still doesn’t want to get back together.” So, this is one of those interesting things. It’s kind of similar to what you hear in How To Be A 3% Man, but the fact they were together five years, it’s almost like you’ve kind of reset things to the point where you’re single.
Women fall in love slowly over time, as I talk about in How To Be A 3% Man. They fall out of love slowly over time, as well. And then, in order to get them to fall back in love and want to be exclusive, it takes time for them to fall back in love. Especially when things are bad – or many weeks, or a month or so has gone by – you don’t go from one day being broken up to the next day you’re right back together and everything is the same as it was before. It’s a process.
The important thing is that you have to let the woman come back to you at her pace. I discussed this in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” so a lot of the things I’m going to be discussing in this video, you need to understand the principles that are in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” So, I highly encourage you to watch the video and especially go to my website and read the article that has all of the bullet points and the things that you need to know. Because there’s a lot of objections that women might throw your way that you need to know the answer to, so you can handle it effectively.
The important thing, the philosophy you’ve got to understand, is Thich Nhat Hanh’s quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And as I talk about in How To Be A 3% Man, the man’s job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. It doesn’t say anything about a relationship or locking her down to a commitment. Even in this case, when he was the one that broke up with her, just because in the heat of an argument, he was pissed off and he later regretted it.
The same principles apply, because if he tries to lock her down, especially in the state she’s in right now, she’s just going to bounce. He’s giving all of his leverage and his power away to her by doing that. Because if it’s her idea to come back and her idea to finally be exclusive when she feels it inside, then you don’t have to worry about getting dumped, or blown off, or getting stuck in friend zone.
A lot of women just go along with things. So do guys, for that matter. But that’s the thing; most guys can’t tell when a woman is in love, and they marry her anyway because they figure, “Hey, if she’s saying yes, she must love me.” And in How To Be A 3% Man, in the chapter “It’s All In The Numbers,” you’ll be able to tell when your woman is actually in love. She won’t be able to hide it from you. She won’t be able to fake it either. You’ll know, based on her actions and specific things that she says that I discuss in my book.
Will you please read my situation and MAYBE give me some pointers? As the story goes, we were together for 5 years. Got into a bad argument.
As I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” the important thing to understand is that men who understand women don’t argue with them, they communicate. Because when a woman feels heard and understood the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close.
- I broke up with my girlfriend about 6 weeks ago.
- Was still angry when she reached out to me the first week and a half, so was not very open.
- After two weeks of no contact, I reached out to her about a week ago, (I should have called earlier, I messed up).
Obviously, he was pretty stubborn, pretty determined that he was right and that he didn’t want her anymore. And then after the fact, he’s like, “What the hell did I do?” Because as time goes by, you start to go, “That was kind of stupid. We shouldn’t have been arguing over that.”
- During this time, she had taken a little trip, and her friends talked her out of the relationship.
Well, they probably helped validate the fact that they weren’t together, and she was probably really hurting. The other thing you’ve got to remember about women is that they’re never out of the game. They’re always getting hit on by men, especially if they’re really beautiful. And the difference is, when they’re taken, they just say, “Sorry, I have a boyfriend,” “I’m married,” “I can’t, I’m in a relationship,” “I’m seeing somebody.” And that stuff’s always going on.
But as soon as they’re single again, they can start saying yes. And so, in her case, she’s taking time to grieve, her girlfriends are helping her through that process, and so she’s starting to feel better about the breakup. She’s dealing with her emotions, while you’re still, “I definitely don’t want her back.” And then after a few weeks go by, she’s starting to heal and get over it. Plus, she’s getting attention from new men, or she’s allowing those new men to know that she’s potentially available.
And that’s why it’s important, because what that does is you want her, and other guys want her, and now you’re not together. It’s the same thing as if you met a girl and she had three or four other dudes she was talking to. She’s got to determine which one is the most masculine one, which one is the strongest one. And that’s why you have to act consistently masculine and consistently like you’re a catch, like you’re the prize to be won over.
- I called her and we talked on the phone. She was very distant and reserved.
- I called several days later again and asked her to meet me.
- She was reluctant, but we met last week, and the interaction felt cold and distant. I took none of it personally and kept my confidence and charm about me, attempted to kiss her, and hugged her at the end. Even though I was shattering inside.
That’s what we call exercising emotional self-control. Even though you didn’t feel like it inside, you were calm, cool and collected like a charming James Bond. Because James Bond knows, at the end of the day, later on the evening, or maybe a few days later, she’s going to be in his bed. So, he’s not worried. He doesn’t care if it takes a few hours or a few days or few weeks. It doesn’t matter, it’s going to happen. He thinks from the end. And when you think from the end, you’ve already won. You know you’re going to win. You believe you’re going to win, so you’re in no rush. “Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale. No hurry, no rush,” like Rumi said.
- We met again a few days ago and she spent the night. Her guard was down almost entirely, and we joked around and ended up hooking up.
See what happens? You create a space where she can come, she can go, she can stay, she can leave. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, and he did that successfully. So, good job.
- She reminded me that she doesn’t want to get back into a relationship as she was enjoying her life, (she isn’t seeing anyone but said she doesn’t want to feel guilty if she does, as we are broken up).
Well, you’re both free agents now at this point. And you have to look at it like it really doesn’t matter the five years you were together. She’s just one of the girls you’re dating and hooking up with, just like you were in the very beginning when you started seeing her. She may have been part of the girls in your rotation, and you liked her the best, and she treated you the best, so you got serious. So, you’re back in that place again.
But, because you want to date her, and you want to see her, and she’s offering you resistance, that’s why you have to let her come to you. That’s why chasing is counterproductive. Because in these cases, I do a lot of phone sessions with guys where the woman starts coming back, and then they think, “Oh, I’ll go back to calling and texting her a couple of times a week and making dates,” and what happens is they end up chasing her away. Because, now he’s pursuing, whereas before, she was always pursuing him.
So, what happens is the sexual polarity starts to flip. You, in essence, become the feminine essence, and she becomes the masculine essence. That ruins the sexual polarity and turns her off. So, you have to let her come to you.
- I reassured her I wasn’t either but am open to the idea of seeing how things go if it came to that. But she isn’t open to that either.
All it means is she’s not open to it in that particular moment. You’ve got to remember, just like I discuss in “How To Be A 3% Man,” women’s emotions are like Mother Nature. The weather is always changing, and getting upset about the weather is not going to do any good.
- She said she doesn’t trust me to not break her heart again. I messed up and apologized.
Which you should have. You should have apologized, but it doesn’t mean you keep apologizing over and over and over again. It’s just that she knows that you’re remorseful, and it’s important for you to verbalize that you understand why your actions, (what you said, what you did), why it hurt her and how it made her feel, so she feels like you understood where she’s coming from.
- That all took place 3 days ago.
We spoke on the phone last night and she is holding steady with her decision to enjoy life by herself and move on and date when the time is right. It was painful to hear.
Yeah, what’s happening is you’re now starting to chase her, and she has all the leverage. She knows that you want her back, but she’s probably getting attention from other men. And that’s the point where the women go, “I’m confused.” What they’re looking for is, “who’s going to stimulate my emotions the most?”
The important thing to remember is you’ve got five years. You have the most amount of emotional leverage with her over any other dude. But it’s important that you don’t chase her. Because you’re already starting to notice, you’re starting to pursue and you’re starting to chase her, and she’s going, “No, I may want to see other dudes.”
So, your attitude has to be, again, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. She can stay, she can go. Whenever you hear from her, you’d love to see her. You make a date at your place in the evening to make dinner together, hang out, have fun, hook up. Simple as that.
Then a while into the conversation, we spoke for the first time since the break-up with full ranges of emotions. No holding back this time, it was real and emotional. She broke down crying, and I ended up breaking down a bit as well. I asked her to give me one more chance. To that she said no. She said she had given me many chances already.
Yeah, you’re basically saying, “Hey, let’s get back together right now.” And she’s saying, “No,” because she’s not feeling it. You have to give her the time and the space away from you to feel it, and you’re starting to get needy and desperate and starting to pursue. You’re just like the guy that just started dating her, and you just had one date and you hooked up, or two dates maybe, and hooked up. You got together one time, a kiss and hug, but then the next time she came over and you hooked up. So, it’s like you’re trying to lock her down to a commitment on the second date.
Everything that happened over the last five years, it’s irrelevant. What matters is what you do now. And the same principles apply, you have to let a woman pursue you. She knows you want her. She knows you want to get back together. She knows you’re remorseful. She knows you’re upset. She knows you’re hurt by it, she’s hurt by it. But when she feels ready, when she misses you, that’s when she reaches out, and then that’s when you focus on the three H’s: hanging out, having fun, hooking up.
I suggest you go to the Corey Wayne shop and get yourself one of these mugs to remind yourself of it. That’s it. That’s the formula. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen.
Then towards the end we said our goodbyes, and I told her I would respect her decision and move myself away. She went from being COLD and distant to us hooking up and emotional exchange, is there hope?
Yes. If a woman is chasing you, she’s not getting rid of you.
I don’t think I can take this punishment much longer.
Well, dude, you’re going have to put your big boy pants on and deal with it. You have to remain emotionally self-controlled. Because becoming perturbed and upset and losing your shit is going to make you look unattractive. Calm, cool, collected, James Bond, “You’ll be back.”
“You’ll be back. You miss me, you know you do. You think about me late at night. Even those other guys, when you’re talking to them, you’re really thinking about me. You know you are.” That’s the kind of mindset you want to have. You’re unperturbed, your unbothered. You don’t worry about it, because you know you’re her best choice and her best option. Because, again, you have five years of emotional leverage, whereas any other dude doesn’t have that.
But if you pursue her and you chase her, you’re acting weak. You’re acting like you have no leverage. And when you act like you have no leverage with a woman, she will treat you like you have no leverage. Again, it’s got to be her idea.
Please provide me with some guidance. I believe in your products and if I wasn’t such a broke uni kid, I would have paid for your service. I would truly appreciate some guidance and would be grateful!
At this point, you’ve done everything you can do. You’ve followed what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Now, you’re like the catcher. You’re sitting behind home plate waiting for the pitcher, (her), to throw another pitch at you. And when you hear from her, you should assume she wants to see you and make a date in the evening. “Hey, babe, so great to hear from you. I would really love to see you. Let’s get together and make dinner together. What’s your schedule like?” Invite her over. Hang out, have fun. Hook up.
Don’t go to lunch. Don’t go to coffee. Don’t do group dates with her and her girlfriends. If she tries to get you to do anything other than coming over to your house just say, “It’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang. If you don’t want to come over, give me a call in a week or two, maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then.” She has to come to your place, because it’s your terms, it’s your kingdom.
And women know that if they come over to your place in the evening to make dinner together, sex is on the table. And that’s why when she agrees to it, the conditions are set and provided, and you don’t talk her out of it, you’ll probably be hooking up with her again. She stays the night , and whenever she leaves, spank her on the butt, pinch her in the butt, kiss her goodbye. Say, “Call me later, babe. What a great night. It was wonderful seeing again. It’s wonderful having you waking up naked in my arms again. I’m truly grateful. It’s amazing. Nothing better than waking up with you in my arms,” as she walks out the door.
Then you just wait to hear from her, and when you do, you make the next date. That way she can slowly come back to you. Kind of think of her as the little girl that’s down by the ocean, and the waves are coming up on the beach. She walks down the beach to dip a toe in, and then a big wave comes, she runs back, and then the wave subsides. Then she goes back down to the shoreline again, another wave comes up, until eventually she’s swimming in the water – your water, of course. But that’s a good metaphor for how it goes. That’s why you’ve got to just let her be. She’ll come back when she is ready.
And if you’ve got a question or a challenge, maybe you’ve got a similar situation like this that’s delicate and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“If you broke up with your girlfriend during the heat of an argument and stewed about it for several weeks and then finally regretted your decision, it’s your responsibility to create the conditions where she can come back to you slowly at her pace. Chasing her won’t work. She must choose to contact you at her pace, and then you set dates to hang out, have fun and hook up. When she is emotionally ready, she will bring up exclusivity. Then you can agree to it. It’s always better if relationships are the woman’s idea, instead of being forceful and her just going along with it, but her heart’s not into it. Lots of women stay with and marry guys they aren’t in love with.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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