How Long Should I Wait For Her To Come Back?

Here’s how long you should wait for her to come back after she tries to friend zone or break up with you and you walk away.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who says he and his girlfriend of a year and a half have been fighting and arguing a lot, and she does not appear to care about him anymore. He asks how long should he wait until she comes back. They haven’t spoken in four days.

The second email is from a guy who is stuck in platonic friend zone with his ex-girlfriend. She stopped sleeping with him, and now he has basically become her butler and errand boy. She talks about their future, but there is no longer any intimacy, and he wonders what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

This is an interesting dynamic that I think every guy, at some point, has experienced if you’re dating or you’re involved with a woman who’s got low interest. Maybe it was high before or maybe it was never that high to begin with, and if she’s got other guys in her life that she likes or she’s more romantically attracted to, she’s going to tend to back away from all the guys in her life to see who the strongest is, to see who the most indifferent is, to see the one who’s most unbothered by that.

She wants the strongest guy, the guy that will stand up to her, the guy that will call her out on her B.S. when she’s out of line. She doesn’t want a yes man, a guy that just lets her walk all over him, because he’s hoping to have a relationship with her, or date her, or hook up with her or whatever it happens to be.

So this is an important video, because it’s really all about negotiating for yourself, because it’s a two way street. Both people have to make a mutual effort for a relationship to be possible. And if the other person’s got low interest, or maybe they’ve got somebody else they’re more interested in than you, you’re not going to want to continue to interact with them, because that’s just simply not going to get you what you want. Because men who have choices and options, they’re not going to put up with that B.S. They’re just going to roll on to the to the next bus stop and see who’s there.

At the end of the day, if you love and value yourself, you want somebody that loves, values and respects you and appreciates you. They’re never going to use the ‘F’ word, or the friendship or the platonic friend zone type of word, or to keep you in some kind of ‘status unknown’ type of category while she goes and dates and hooks up with other guys, and you’re supposed to put your personal life on hold. That’s just a bad way to go, and you absolutely never agree to go along with that nonsense. This is part of setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.

You know, I’ve got a couple of emails that I got recently over the weekend. It’s like three or four dudes all going out on dates with these girls, and then they don’t have the guts to go for the kiss, to make a move, to do anything physically. And then they go on three or four dates, and eventually she recognizes, oh, this guy just doesn’t have any confidence, does have any game, doesn’t know what he’s doing. Then they get stuck in friend zone.

And it’s the same thing, the guys just are simply not willing to go for what they want, and then they keep interacting with these women once they’re stuck in friend zone, hoping things will change and be better. And if they’re just nice enough and they do enough things — because that’s what you see on TV — hey, maybe she’s got a toilet that’s clogged up, maybe you need to fix that. Or maybe she needs new tires for her car or her battery died. Like in this one case, her dog was sick, and you’ll see when we get to it. You’re going to be going, “Come on, man. Did you really do that, bro?”

So anyway, I’ve got a quote that I wrote, and then we’ll jump into the first guy’s email. The quote says, “Women are more attracted to men who stand up for themselves and what they believe in versus guys who are people pleasers and too nice to the point that they let women and others walk all over them. Women can never love men they do not respect. If a woman jerks you around, disrespects you, tries to put you in friend zone, uses you and you let her get away with it without setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, she will never love you and never feel anything for you other than feelings of platonic friendship.”

A lot of guys think that if they just like a girl enough, that that’s going to make a difference. It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is how a woman feels about you. And if she ain’t feeling it, she can go on down the road. And then maybe she’ll feel it later. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and also men that just simply aren’t going to put up with their BS. Thanks, but no thanks. I have plenty of other better options.

“Men who love, value and respect themselves never put up with rude and disrespectful women who take them for granted or who try to friend zone them. They simply give them the gift of missing them permanently.” It’s a permanent gift. It’s not temporary or a technique. It’s just saying, hey, a deal is not possible right now. You get up from the negotiating table and you leave forever, and you don’t come back. And she comes and grabs you and brings you back to the negotiating table.

“If a woman pushes you away, it’s she who must earn another chance with you, not the other way around.” In other words, she sticks you in friend zone, she says she’s not interested in anything romantic, or she’s putting the brakes on anything romantic and then kind of dangling the carrot that maybe someday down the road she’ll be open to something more romantic. That’s just another way of trying to get you to be compliant with being in friend zone, and you absolutely cannot agree to it.

You can just say “No. If you think down the road, you may change your mind. I’m not interested in anything platonic right now, and you don’t want anything more romantic right now, so there’s no point in us talking anymore. We’re not on the same page. We don’t want the same things. And I’m not going to sit around for some unknown event that may or may not happen in the future. If you’re not feeling it now, and you don’t know if you’re going to feel in the future, honestly, it’s not my problem. That’s your problem. You got a great opportunity with an awesome dude, and if you’re going to pass up on that, that’s okay. Some other cute girl will really appreciate that. And that’s what I’m looking for, a girl that really appreciates and values me.”

That’s the mindset you want to have in these situations. That’s why when you hear these things, you can’t just sit and go along with it, because as you go along with it, she starts to lose respect for you, because she could tell deep down, you’re dying inside and you want to be with her. You’re thinking all kinds of naughty, impure thoughts, and you’re just not interested in being her pal, or her friend, or her gay male girlfriend, or her butler, or her do-boy, or the guy that just gives their attention and validation while she goes and sleeps with other dudes that actually do stand up to her.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

My question to you has to do with my girlfriend’s interest levels. I only discovered your site and videos on the internet after searching possible solutions to my problem. After reading and watching your stuff I just, realized I was being needy. 

Well, the most important thing is you need to get into “How To Be A 3% Man,” my first book, and start reading it immediately. Because what you’re doing right now is you’re trying to cherry pick a simple solution to your problem. And if you’re acting needy, there’s a whole other host of problems that you’re doing that are causing you to be unattractive.

So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, subscribe to the newsletter and start reading this book immediately, because if you’re just cherry picking videos, you might get a little bit of attainable success, but it’s not going to be sustainable. And this is obviously your girlfriend that you’re writing me about and you’re hoping to turn things around with her.

The whole story goes like this… I have been dating a girl for over a year now, but recently she has been showing relatively low interest in our relationship. We have had fights in the past, and I noticed she does not care anymore.

Well, men who argue with women obviously don’t understand them. If you’re displaying a lot of unattractive, needy, insecure behavior, that typically means you’re way over pursuing. And so, what can be helpful is to where you just stop all forward progress. Maybe you had a big blowout. Maybe she was just totally rude and disrespectful and said all kinds of things that were totally inappropriate, and you let her know that those things were inappropriate and she should apologize. But if she doesn’t feel remorseful in time, then “Hey, call me when you change your mind. Call me when you calm down. Call me when you want to talk to me and be nice and sweet.”

Women who are good women that come from good families, after a few days, they’ll realize, “You know, I was kind of a bitch to him. I need to call and apologize,” and they’ll do it. They’ll say, “You know, I was such a bitch to you the other day. I was in a bad mood, and I’m really sorry.” But if a woman does that to you and you keep calling, you keep texting her, it just communicates it’s totally okay for her to dis you like that and disrespect to you.

You can’t enable the behavior. You’ve got to let her be. You’ve got to let her know where you’re at. You’ve got to let her know what your boundaries are and the fact that she’s violating them. Ask her in a loving way to stop and to be nice and sweet to you. And if she doesn’t, just say, “Great. Call me when you calm down. Call me when you’re more rational. Call me when you want to be nice to me, because I want a girl that’s nice to me. The way you’re behaving right now, that just doesn’t work for me.”

There’s no yelling, screaming, shouting. You know, my philosophy is very simple. Hang out, have fun and hook up. There’s nothing about yelling and screaming at one another. It’s just, be easy going, easy to get along with, or you don’t belong in my life. I’m sorry, that’s harsh, but you’ve got to be this way. There’s too many messed up chicks out there and women that will just waste your time. You just can’t put up with that.

I have not been talking to her for the past 4 days now, and I am getting worried that she could go for good and never come back. How long should I wait until she comes back?

Bob 

Well, if you set healthy boundaries and you’re enforcing healthy boundaries, especially if you’ve been acting needy and pushing her away, you just have to let her be. If she was nasty to you and disrespectful and you called her out on it, and then she hung up the phone or she laughed or whatever, and you haven’t spoken to her in four days, then she needs to calm down and call you and fix it. Obviously, you didn’t really elaborate on what happened, you just said you’ve had fights in the past. But if it’s just that she hasn’t called you or texted you, because you recognize that she’s not into it because you’ve been being needy, I wouldn’t do anything.

As far as “how long should I wait until she comes back?” Forever, that’s how long. It means that you don’t like the behavior that she’s been displaying. You don’t like how she’s been talking to you. You don’t like how she’s been treating you. It’s just, “I’m out.” The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.

And if somebody is going to violate your boundaries and your principles and not treat you the way you want to be treated, they have to get the gift of missing you permanently. Because otherwise, if you put up with it, you’re inviting more of that behavior, not only from her but from other women. You want a good girl, that’s nice to you, that’s sweet to you, easy going, easy to get along with, got a good attitude, is worried about losing you, because she recognizes how valuable you are.

If a girl doesn’t think that losing you is going to be a big deal to her, then — I mean, at this point in my life when I encounter that, if I encounter a woman who is not as into me as I may be in her, it’s like I want a woman who is really excited about me. And when I was younger, I would go out with women that weren’t that into me, and it was exciting, it was a challenge to get them to eventually fall for me.

But as I got older and I had love at first sight happen enough — which obviously I’ve written about several times in “How To Be A 3% Man,” — you get spoiled. When you get spoiled with a woman who’s really into you and she eye-fucks you basically from the moment you meet, that’s what I’m used to. And a girl that’s got mediocre interest, it’s like I don’t care how hot she is or interesting she is. If she’s not as excited and as enthusiastic about me, my interest actually drops now. When I was younger, it would actually make me like her more. But because now I know how good it can be, I’m spoiled and I won’t waste my time.

And I can understand guys that have never done that, have never stood up to a woman. It’s scary, especially when you care about her, because you don’t know if she’s going to come back. But the reality is, she’s not playing the game of tennis at the same level that you are. And therefore, if you love yourself, and value yourself and respect yourself, you’re happy to wait until somebody else comes along and continue to focus on yourself, your mission, your purpose, take good care of your body, have a good social life, have a good career, a good business, something that excites you, have a purpose outside of a woman.

As you fill out your life, and you get more well-rounded as a person, and you become more successful, you’ll get noticed. Just like when you become an exceptional employee working for an employer. Eventually, headhunters start calling you, because they heard about you through the grapevine and what a great employee you were. So being exceptional always works great.

And if you need some tips and strategy on how to be exceptional in your personal and professional life, read my second book, “Mastering Yourself.” You can also read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Focus on you, becoming more attractive, adding more value to yourself and your life, and bringing more to the table. Because most people in the world are totally mediocre and they’re simply not going to be willing to do the little things that you are. I mean, if you’re watching this video right now or listening to this on a podcast, you’re way ahead of like ninety seven percent of your competition, basically.

It’s hard being self-reliant. It’s hard to go for the things that you want in life. And most people don’t have the guts to do it. And if you’re somebody watching this video, obviously you’re different than most people. You’re already willing to do things that most people aren’t willing to do to help themselves. And therefore, as long as you continue to try to get a little better each and every day, eventually you’re going to completely surpass everybody in your peer group, everybody that you meet and encounter in the street, and therefore women take notice of that.

Women notice those guys. Hot, attractive, alpha females — the kind of women that you want that have their shit together and come from good families — they notice guys that do well. It’s not so much because of the money and the success. It’s the fact that they embody success, that’s embodying masculinity. And if a guy is successful in his professional career, and he’s got a great social life and he’s very happy, it’s a very rare thing and women are going to notice that.

But you’re going to encounter women that aren’t going to really care and aren’t going to be that into that, and you have to have the strength in the inner confidence to say, “Thanks, but no thanks. As cute as you are, and as sweet as you are, and as good of a kisser as you are, I’m just not going to stick around for that, because I know I can do better. I know it’s harsh, but sorry. Not really. I want the best. I don’t want somebody that’s mediocre, or has mediocre interest, or makes an average, half-assed effort. If you’re going to come in my life and make a half-assed effort, the door’s going to hit you in the ass on the way out, because you’ll be going right out the back door really quick.” That’s the attitude you’ve got to have. Because, quite frankly, women are just as ruthless. That’s reality.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I know you’re doing fucking awesome, so instead, I’ll ask what you’re drinking.

Well, I’m drinking ionized water in my sweet “Hang out, have fun and hook up” mug, thank you very much. Which you can get at Teespring.com at the Coach Corey Wayne store, for those of you that are so inclined to support me and the channel and love these little things, little reminders.

But at the end of the day, this is a simple formula, hang out, have fun and hook up. Look for a woman who’s into that. And if she’s interested in hanging out and having fun but there’s no hook up, then goodbye. It’s been real. You’ve got to be that way, because otherwise you’re not going to get what you want. You have to be an effective negotiator on your behalf. Nobody’s coming to save you. You’ve got to do it yourself.

I am a student navigating my journey, my way through reading the book 15 times and watching all your videos. However, I am having an issue looking at if I am a the Gay Male Boyfriend or a Centered Mountain Man for my ex-girlfriend.

Well, obviously, if this is your ex girlfriend, it’s not the gay male boyfriend, it’s the gay male girlfriend, because you’re acting like a girl.

Bit of back story, we broke up, I tried getting her back. She rejected me, so I said call me if you change your mind.

So far, so good.

After her reaching out, coming over, us hooking up and having sex, her attraction level seems to have spiked back. She did however say, she does not want to have sex anymore right now, and that she wants to build our relationship without having that.

So this is just one of the many ways that women try to get you to be compliant and go along with what they want. It’s a test of your strength. And that’s the kind of thing, she’s all “we want to build our relationship.” In other words, that’s the equivalent of a woman going,”I like you, but I just want to be friends first and then see if a relationship can blossom.” And when a woman says that “Friends First” or uses the ‘F’ word, just say, “Hey, I’m I’m not interested in that. That’s not why I’m here.”

What you’ve got to tell your girlfriend is, “Hey, babe, I love you, but I’m not interested in having a platonic relationship with you. If you’re not interested in sex and intimacy, then you should probably call one of those other beta male orbiters that would be happy to come over and fix your kitchen sink or fix your flat tire on your car. That doesn’t work for me, you’re either in or you’re out. You’re either with me or you’re not. You either want to make love to me or you don’t. And if you’re telling me you want to just be friends for a while, I’d just rather go date other women that are excited to be with me.”

It’s like, “I have choices, I have options. I have girls that want to get with me, and why would I want to put my personal life on hold? I don’t know what you’re doing when we’re not together. I’ve got my supposed girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend, who’s telling me she wants me to be stuck in friend zone for some unknown period of time and put my personal life on hold? I don’t think so.”

Remember, just like I said in the quote, she was the one to unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship. Therefore, she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. But you’ve got to set these healthy boundaries, and you can’t ever agree to no sex and no intimacy. But what I like about this email is, you see how tricky women are. Because he’s using things he’s learned from me trying to stand up for himself, but she throws the answers at him that are kind of, “Ehh?”

Knowing your teachings, I understand that she needs to open up to me and receive me on her own time. However, I stated that I am not interested in a friendship and want to work towards a relationship. She’s been doing 100% of the calling and texting. When we do see each other, we hang out, have fun, and hook up, but are just not having sex.

Okay, dude. So it’s kind of irritating when someone says, “Oh, we are hooking up,” I’ve done phone sessions with guys who are like, “Oh, yeah, I hooked up with her.” I was like, “You kissed her?” Yeah.” I was like, “How was the sex?” and he’s like, “Well, we didn’t have sex.” It’s like, dude, that’s not hooking up. You didn’t hook up. You hung out. You had some fun. There was no hooking up.

That’s a very important point. Don’t try to sneak that past the coach, because I’m going to ask you those explicit questions, because that’s important. You can’t just sweep that under the rug. So you didn’t hook up. You may be fooling around, but hooking up is actually having sex, playing hide the salami, beating up each other’s pelvises. That is actually hooking up.

She’s been reaching out to me for emotional support recently.

So that’s part of the problem. You’re agreeing to her terms. You’re going “I’m not interested in platonic friendship,” and then you agree to hang out with her and be her emotional tampon. It’s like, no, you’re either in or out. It’s like, “Oh, you’ve got a problem? Well, grab a bottle of wine. Come on over,” or “Grab my favorite cookies, and come on over and feed them to me. And I’m happy to listen to you. You can tell me all about it. And then we can eat cookies in bed, and it can be all itchy.”

She’s asked me twice to go on a drive with her for her work, because she was scared, (it was at night, she was going somewhere she’s never been and she was pulling a trailer).

“Well, maybe if you come over and give me a humdinger before we go, I might be up for a road trip with you, babe. Maybe a nice home cooked meal, something sweet to show me how much you appreciate me.”

This week alone, I’ve spent the night at her house 3 times, we’ve cuddled all night, made out, gone down on her twice and just been loving every second with each other.

Did she go down on you, bro? Hang out, have fun and hook up. So now you’re going over there and servicing her and getting her off, but she’s doing nothing to contribute back to you. She’s being selfish. This is, again, one of the ways, you’re like, “Well, we’re sleeping in bed together.” It’s like, yeah, but you’re coming over and you’re like her gigolo. You come over and you service her and you don’t get a happy finish? That’s selfish.

I mirror everything she does.

Come on, dude. No, you’re not.

If she wants to be close, I invite her. If she wants her space, I give it to her.

I wouldn’t be driving over to her house if she’s pushed you away and stuck you in platonic friend zone. If you were actually following what I teach and following “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” no, she’ll be coming to you, to your house to make dinner together in the evening. But instead, you became her errand boy.

Guys in these situations get stuck doing all of these kinds of ridiculous things, and what’s really going on is, she’s exploring things with other guys — interviewing other guys, going out on dates with other guys, talking to other guys — because she knows she can have you any time. And you’re you’re driving around, pulling trailers, being her emotional support animal. Come on, man. Have some self-respect.

Today though, I’ve taken a step back and looked at our relationship.

It’s not really a relationship anymore, bro.

She calls me crying on the way to her work and says she thinks something is wrong with her puppy.

“Oh my god, solve my problem!” So, you’re taking care of her puppy, while she’s probably going and hooking up with some other dude.

Even though I had work, I was able to get out and take him to the vet. I ended up going twice, and it took me about 5 hours to do.

Come on, man. You are not following what I teach at all.

She’s beyond thankful, and she says she will make it up to me.

Okay, sure.

It’s been about 2 weeks since she’s said she doesn’t want sex.

Well, if it was me, it would have been two weeks since we would have seen each other, and we would have been doing very little talking. And what I would have reiterated to her is, “Why don’t you come over?” If she says “No, but I need to talk to you,” it’s like, “Hey, I’m not interested.” You told her you weren’t interested in anything platonic, and yet you keep doing these platonic favors for her. That’s your problem.

Say, “No, thank you. Maybe you can come over and make me a nice home cooked meal and make mad, passionate love, and in the morning you make me breakfast in bed. On top of that, you wash the sheets and clean the kitchen up, and maybe I’ll go help you with your dog, and the vet and all that.”

Right now, I have all the patience in the world but starting to wonder, am I being too much like a gay male boyfriend?

He says boyfriend, it should be girlfriend. And the answer to that is yes. Yes, you’re stuck in friend zone bro.

Or is she always coming to me because I am centered, strong and her mountain?

No, she’s coming to you because you’re a beta male and you won’t stand up for yourself. And even though you say you’re not interested in friendship, everything you do is acting like a platonic friend who happens to give her free cunnilingus, and you’re driving to her. It doesn’t sound like she’s coming over to you.

She talks a lot about our future, wants to go on trips to Hawaii and road trips together, (she’s actually said she will pay for it).

Did she buy the ticket yet?

So I’m not sure where to go from here. Help me out coach.

Regards,

Bob

The next time she reaches out, be like, “Babe, I love you, but this just ain’t working for me. You know, it’s like this platonic thing, no sex anymore, I don’t want it. Unless you’re willing to come over and make mad, passionate love to me, we really shouldn’t be seeing each other anymore. I’m doing all these favors for you, and you’re doing nothing for me. I’m getting nothing out of this. It’s not what I signed up for. If you need space, take space. Give me a call when you miss me. When you can’t take it anymore, and when you want to come over and tear my clothes off, then definitely give me a call.”

But I wouldn’t agree to do any more of this BS, dude. It’s like, come on. You’re doing the opposite of what I teach. You shouldn’t be surprised that you’re sitting there confused about where you stand with this girl. You’re just letting her get away with it. You told her you weren’t interested in being friends, but everything you do is saying that you are going along with being her friend.

So what I would do if I were you, I would just have a conversation with her. You need to read “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” the article, and watch the short video that I did on it and get familiar with it. She needs to come to you three dates in a row in the evening, and make dinner at your place. And as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up all three nights in a row, then you can meet her out and pick her up.

Let her do one hundred percent of the calling, texting and pursuing. But any time she tries with withhold physical intimacy, just say, “Nope, that’s not going to work for me. I’m not interested in that at all.” There is no gray line there. You cross that line, “Hey, it’s been real. You get the gift of missing me permanently.” You’re not going to say this to her, but that’s where you’re coming from, because she’s not making a mutual effort. You’re just getting used, and you’re in time out. You’re the backup boyfriend now while she sees what else is out there, because she lost interest in you.

It’s not a good way to go, my friend. You’ve got to take your balls back. Stand up for yourself and say, “Thanks, but no thank you.”

“Women are more attracted to men who stand up for themselves and what they believe in versus guys who are people pleasers and too nice to the point that they let women and others walk all over them. Women can never love men they do not respect. If a woman jerks you around, disrespects you, tries to put you in friend zone, uses you and you let her get away with it without setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, she will never love you and never feel anything for you other than feelings of platonic friendship. Men who love, value and respect themselves never put up with rude and disrespectful women who take them for granted or who try to friend zone them. They simply give them the gift of missing them, permanently. If a woman pushes you away, it’s her who must earn another chance with you, not the other way around.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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