How neediness and not feeling or acting like you are worthy of her leads to rejection.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who had been dating a woman for about three months. Then, she said something that triggered him, and he completely lost it. He started acting extremely needy, weak, indecisive and unsure of himself. She started backing away, and the more he pursued, the more she ignored him and was vague in her responses. Then she dumped him.
Now they have been broken up for about a month, and she has texted him twice but didn’t reply to either of his responses to her. He asks what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
So, I’ve got an email from a guy, and it’s a slow motion train wreck. This guy was doing great – three months, hanging out, having fun, hooking up, got a girlfriend. And then she said something to him that triggered him and caused him to completely start doubting himself, and the power just totally flipped. He went from seemingly having his act together to constantly acting needy, unworthy, undesirable, no confidence, and literally chased her right out of his life.
And I’m assuming that he didn’t come to find my work until after all of this happened. Because he’s trying to figure out, how did it go from being an exclusive relationship to a few weeks later, poof! She’s gone. So, this is a good email to learn from, because guys that don’t know any better and they behave this way, they’re literally doing the opposite of being attractive. They’re being the opposite of what a woman needs and most desires in a man.
So, I have an interesting situation. I had been dating this girl for 3 months and we were “official” for 1 week. During the 1 week we became official, she introduced me to her son and we really seemed to hit it off. Prior to that, she had texted me every day, and I had only reached out to her about twice in the whole 3-month period.
She’s doing all of the pursuing. And so, this is the important thing. Like, when I’m doing phone sessions with guys and they tell me these kinds of stories, it’s amazing to me. It’s like they just don’t see the difference. So, the three months she’s doing all of the pursuing, they get serious, and then things completely change and their behavior changes. And then they’re surprised that she disappears. So, the whole time she’s seeking his attention and his approval, and then it completely flips, where the power is completely the opposite, where she starts acting masculine and stoic, and then he becomes unsure, needy, feminine, girly, puts her on a pedestal and she vanishes.
So, after we hung out one night she said, “I’ll see you when I see you.”
So, if she says that, I’d say, “Not if I see you first.” It’s always a good response to that.
To which I replied, “Figure out your schedule, and we can plan something for next week.”
So, when you say something like that, “Hey, figure out your schedule and get back to me,” you’ve got to let her do it. Because if you do that and then don’t wait, you communicate neediness.
The next day I asked her twice when she was free, (I know, I know, trying too hard). To which she’d reply with “IDK.” Fast forward 2 days later, and I asked if she was free next Thursday, (my only day off), to which she replied, “I’m not sure.” She could tell I was getting perturbed.
Bad way to go. You had all this confidence and mystery and then just completely came unglued there in a very short period of time.
So I just said, “Okay let me know.” I felt like I needed to give her space due to my over pursuing, so the next day I didn’t text her, (she also didn’t reach out).
The greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift to your time. And you’re trying to give her some of your time and she’s going, “I don’t know. Meh, I’ll think about it.” So, you’ve got to recognize that those are the signs of lowered attraction. Those are the signs of the kitty cat who’s kind of gotten bored with you. And when the kitty cat gets bored with you, instead of getting upset, you should be like, “Alright, I can hang out with the boys. It’s boys night out. Let’s get together with the guys.”
You can go work in the car, clean the garage out, work in your tool shed, maybe do some projects around the house. Go see your mom, kiss your mom, tell your parents you love them. Call up an old friend you haven’t talked to in awhile or maybe lost touch with. Go do something fun. Because when the cat gets bored, you don’t get butt-hurt. You look at as, “Man, I can get some time to myself. I’ve got some peace and quiet finally.”
Then the next day, same.
Notice he’s just barraging her every day, “Hey, let me know your schedule,” and then he doesn’t wait. “Hey, did you figure schedule out yet?” So, he’s trying to force things. He’s literally starting to chase her out of his life, and he can’t even see that. But the first three months, it was two or three times he reached out total. So, he’s literally acting completely the opposite of the way he acted for three months.
So, the following day, I called and left her a voicemail telling her to give me a call back when she gets my message.
Now he’s panicking. Come on, man. Brutal.
Later that night, she had deleted all our photos off of Facebook.
Oh, man, he really must have freaked out at that. She’s not responding, she’s ignoring you, and then she’s deleting all the pictures from Facebook. I feel for this guy. The average guy doesn’t know what’s going on, but he’s completely turning her off, communicating that he’s not worthy.
This triggered me and I texted her saying, “I’m trying to be an adult about this and talk it out, so call me when you get this.” No reply. Two days later, I sent her a voice message apologizing for not texting her and that I was giving her space, because I felt like I was becoming too needy. No reply.
So, he’s not recognizing, now he’s playing a game of tennis here. Because, I say dating is like game of tennis. You hit the ball over the net, you’ve got to wait for her to hit it back. She didn’t hit it back right away, so he goes and he gets the automatic ball machine, fills it up with like 500 balls, turns it up on full speed, and he starts barraging her with balls. And what happened? She ran off the court. It’s like running after the cat. The cat hauls ass, jumps the fence, and who knows when you’ll see it again.
The next night she had texted me saying it was fucked up that I didn’t communicate with her for 2 days, and she felt like I just ghosted her.
This is, case in point, why you don’t take advice from women. What’s going on is her attraction is dropping, and like most women, she doesn’t understand why she’s feeling the way she’s feeling. And so, she looks at it and goes, “Oh, you didn’t communicate with me for two days, so it’s all your fault.” Sounds logical. He’s like, “Oh, I didn’t text her enough.” He’s barraging her with texts, and she’s ignoring him, which is rude. She’s supposed to be his girlfriend. You don’t ignore your boyfriend. That’s not loving. That’s ratchet behavior.
I took 100% of the blame thinking this would help, but afterwards I had become needy and insecure feeling like I needed to text her every day so she wouldn’t get mad again.
Yeah, when you’re at the point where you’re like, “I just don’t want to piss her off,” you’ve become a pleaser, and this is disgusting and unattractive. He’s doing what she said she supposedly wanted, which is “You’ve got to text me more.” And what does she do? She keeps jerking him around.
This was the wrong way to go as we basically “broke up” 2 weeks later, and she said she had lost attraction for me…
So that was an honest statement. But she doesn’t understand why she lost attraction.
…after I didn’t text her for 2 days.
That’s what she thinks. But the reality is the reason she lost attraction for him is because he was displaying a lot of unattractive behavior. He went from being the confident, mysterious guy that she did almost 100% of the pursuing with, like 99.9% of it, to him literally blowing up and chasing her right out of his life. And she goes, “Oh yeah, he didn’t text me for two days, so that’s why we broke up.” It’s nonsense.
This is why so many men get confused by women, they don’t understand it. And the big problem is women don’t understand this either. They don’t understand how attraction works. And that’s why, if a guy is trying to do what the woman’s telling him to do, which he did, look what happens. It blows up in his face.
We had a good breakup, and I told her I couldn’t be friends and to call me if she changed her mind.
Well, that part was correct.
In 1 month of no contact, she’s texted me twice, once was a meme, and the second was a video of her son “talking to me.” Both texts I replied to and she didn’t reply. I know now that when she contacts me, I need to try and get her out. So, do you think I messed up by apologizing for not texting her?
Well, if you understood how attraction worked, you would have recognized that your unattractive behavior is what actually turned her off. It had nothing to do with the texting, even though she told you that. I mean, it makes sense, but the reality is, not texting two days in a row, and after three months she’s just going to discard that? But ignoring the fact that you literally blew her phone up and chased her and she ignored you for days at a time?
The reason why she was ignoring you is she was surprised at what she was feeling. She went from being really into you and you being her man, to going, “Who is this guy?” She tells him something that sounds logical and seems to make sense, but if you look at her actions, and obviously knowing what we know in 3% Man, I mean, she did say she lost attraction, but she blamed the losing attraction because he didn’t text her for two days. That’s horseshit. She lost attraction because he acted like a bitch. Plain and simple. A needy, unworthy bitch. That’s the way he acted.
And so, I wouldn’t do anything. I’d never call or text again for any reason. You’ve got to remember, the first three months you guys were together, I think he said he texted her two or three times total. So, that’s what you need to go back to. That’s what got her to fall in love with you. That’s what got her to want to be exclusive with you. And as soon as you did the opposite, as soon as you started doing 100% of the pursuing, you chased her right out of your life. She wanted nothing to do with you. She ignored you. So, you have to look at that go, obviously that behavior is unattractive.
When you did nothing for three months, she was all over you. So, if you look at that, her actions show you if you got away with texting her two, three times total in three months, the fact you didn’t text her for two days is bullshit. That’s not the reason. It’s your unattractive behavior.
And so, you should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” She broke it off with you, therefore, she’s got to fix it and she has to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on going forward. So, the next time she reaches out, just say, “Hey, it’s awesome to hear from you. I’d love to see you. Let’s make dinner together.” Invite her to your place to make dinner together. Don’t meet her out, don’t pick her up, don’t go for coffee. Don’t have “the talk” or “we need to talk on the phone” or anything serious. Girls just want to have fun. Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. Your job in the courtship is create an opportunity for sex to happen.
And so, if she texts you a meme, “Hey, it’s great to hear from you. That’s a funny, great meme,” whatever it happens to be. And say, “I want to see you. I want to see your face,” and then invite her over to make dinner. But if she tries to get you to meet her for coffee or do platonic things, you’re going to politely decline it using the responses right out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
And then, the second time, when she sent a video of her son talking to him, I would have said, “Oh, that’s cute. We should all get together,”or, “I’d love to see you,” and invite her over for dinner. And then if she won’t make plans, then next time she sends you a meme or a video of her son, just give it the thumbs up. If you’ve got iMessage on your phone, just give her the thumbs up or, “Hey, that’s cute.” Like it, but don’t invite her to do anything after that. And one of two things will happen: she’ll either bring up getting together, or she’ll disappear from your life forever.
At this point, you should be following “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” But the key thing to understand about this is the first three months that led to you getting into a relationship, you texted her two or three times total. That worked. That caused her to seek your attention and validation, which is what women naturally, instinctively do anyway. You don’t tell them to do that, you don’t manipulate them to do that. They’re just naturally wired to do that. You were acting masculine up until that week after you guys got serious, and then it just completely changed. You started acting like a needy, insecure jackass, and you ran her right out of your life. So, it’s a bad way to go.
And that crap about, “Oh, you didn’t text me,” it’s nonsense. If you look at her actions and bottom line her actions, if that was true, there’s no way you could have gone three months with only texting once or twice or three times. That would have just never happened. You would’ve never gotten serious. So, what changed was your behavior. You went from not pursuing her at all and she’s all over you to, as soon as you start chasing her, she ghosted you and ignored you, because it was turning her off. And she didn’t understand why it was turning her off. She knew she lost attraction for you, but she didn’t understand why. That’s why you’ve got to read the book 10 to 15 times, because you did the opposite of what it teaches.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“One of the quickest ways to turn a woman off and cause her to lose romantic attraction is to act and feel like you are unworthy of her attention, love, affection and time. The number one masculine strength characteristic that women find attractive in men is confidence. When a man is approval seeking and needy, this is the opposite of displaying confidence. If you push a woman away and turn her off by acting needy and unworthy to the point she ignores you or won’t commit to a definite date to get together, stop all forward movement and contact with her. The quickest way to get someone else’s attention is to remove yours. If she never reaches out, then you know where you stand. Women don’t let men drift away who they love and desire. Only men they have no love or respect for.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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