How To Be A Challenge To Attract Women Instead Of A Cold Fish

How to be a challenge to attract women without being too much of a cold fish.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s unsure of how to be a challenge to attract women without being too much of a cold fish and a jerk. He’s looking for the sweet spot to exhibit this natural masculine behavior without taking it too far to the point he comes off as a jerk and turns women off.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “How To Be A Challenge To Attract Women Instead Of A Cold Fish”.

So I’ve got an email here from a viewer. He’s unsure of how to really kind of find the sweet spot for being a challenge and being aloof, and the cause women to be unsure where they stand with you, to attract them without being too much of a cold fish or kind of coming off as a jerk. So he kind of wants the sweet spot, really between pursuing too much, letting women wonder about you, and then not pursuing enough and being too much of a cold fish.

So the key is that obviously, as you guys have read 3% Man, if you’re new and you haven’t, it’s free to read the Members Area on the Website just put your first name, your email address, and create a password and a digital version will open up right in your web browser and so you can read it. So the important thing is to remember that, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

Now, that doesn’t mean you’re always going to be a cold fish and act like you don’t care and you don’t like them. It’s like you just want the tension to build and them to wonder about you long enough to where they become unsure. And then they reach out. And when they reach out, you’re warm to them. You’re like, oh, it’s great to hear from you. Like I wrote about in the book about where like this really dawned on me and how women are. Because my girlfriend at the time that I was dating, she had a daughter was like five and a half, six years old.

And I remember, because I wrote about this in the book, there was a time we were over on the coast. I think we were like in Cocoa Beach, me and her and her daughter and her brother and his kids and his girlfriend. And we were staying at a hotel over there. And so, you know, the adults were all having some beers, the kids are playing. And my girlfriend’s daughter wanted to like, keep jumping into my arms. And then she would swim back over to the side, get up, and then stand there and expect me to basically put my arms out so she could kind of jump back into them.

And I also remember at her parents house, and so the adults are sitting in the garage or her parents are there and her brothers were there with their kids. So there was like a bunch of adults hanging out, having some beers in the garage. They had a nice beer fridge in the garage, and all the kids were playing in the front yard. I remember they had these little gas powered scooter type things where you’re kind of sitting on it and you put your feet in handlebars and you kind of turn it.

And so they’re out in the street doing that stuff, and other kids are playing with each other. And I remember like every five, ten minutes, her daughter would come into the garage, sit in my lap, put her arm around me, “Corey…” And she would ask some questions. I could see it like it was yesterday, and it just kind of started dawning on me because around that time, I remember we were coming back from a trip and my girlfriend had said, Corey, you have to let me come to you.” I mean, she was doing this. “You have to let me come to you. Don’t try to force things.”

And then her mother had pulled me aside like a week or two before that and said, you know, “you’ve got to let her kind of chase you. Don’t return a call sometimes. Blow her off, cancel some dates.” I mean, her mother’s telling me this because she understood how attraction worked. And I was like, well, that’s kind of taken a little too far. But I kind of got the message because what both of them are telling me was that I’m trying too hard. I’m calling too much, I’m texting too much, I’m making things too easy, not being enough of a challenge.

And so I didn’t blow her off. I didn’t cancel dates at the last second for no reason. I didn’t ignore her phone because I didn’t do those things, but I understood that I was still kind of pursuing too much at the time and working too much and just not creating enough space to where when she becomes unsure, she reaches out. It’s kind of like almost like a game of chicken. Like the book says, you’re gonna once a week initiate contact and then make a date.

And typically, most women in the West are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date. And usually when that happens, they start calling or texting you every couple of days. Well, as a book lays out, you’re just trying to take measured steps. You’re not trying to rush it. You’re not trying to make three dates in a week. You’re not trying to make her your girlfriend a week after you meet her.

It’s you want to create the conditions where if you’re selective and you have choices and options with women, you want to see does she have a good attitude? Was she raised right? If she hasn’t heard from you in a couple days, is she happy to hear from you when you re-engage with her? Or is she pissed off and mad that you waited too long to get back? Which would be indicative that she’s a little insecure, maybe a little nutty because you’re looking for a girl who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, and she’s nice to you and she’s just happy to hear from you. She has a good attitude.

Her mom and dad said, I love you enough and hugged her enough to where she’s got a good self-esteem and doesn’t freak out when she doesn’t hear from you for a few days. But she also feels comfortable enough to reach out to you to say, hey, how are you doing? What are you up to? Saw a movie last night. One of the characters was wearing a shirt that was similar to yours, and it reminded me of you. Women typically aren’t going to call you and text you and ask you out most of the time. But they will reach out.

And so you’re trying to take measured steps where you’re still pursuing once a week. But once her interest goes up, she doesn’t want to wait to hear from you once a week. She might go 2 or 3 days. And after you guys aren’t speaking or haven’t talked. Maybe the last time you spoke, she was telling you what a great time she had in your last date. Maybe she sent you a meme or whatever. And then that was kind of the end of the conversation thread. Maybe you saw her on a Sunday night and now it’s Wednesday and you still haven’t heard from her.

And then like in the beginning, it’s going to be a little bit longer in between you hearing from her. But as you start sleeping together, those times between hearing from her get shorter and shorter to the point where she’s calling and texting you multiple times a day and she’s at your house every night, or you’re at hers and you’re in a relationship. That’s just how it kind of naturally gravitates. But if you try to speed that up, if you try to go faster than the woman does, then she’s going to become cold and distant and aloof, and her schedule is never going to seem to be open.

And so you kind of want to match and mirror that and understand that women are kind of like cats. They spend a lot of time around you. They might get a little aloof and distant for a bit, or maybe when it’s around that time of the month and they have their period, they might not be as warm as they were a few days before. And as a man that can’t freak you out, it shouldn’t bother you. It’s something that you should be amused by and think it’s kind of cute about women and how they’re kind of unpredictable like that.

And if you’ve got your shit together and you’re unbothered, then you don’t hear from her for a few days. You’re delighted because you get caught up on other things. But when you do hear from her, you’re like, hey, it’s really great to hear from you and you want to be warm. You want to be glad that she called, glad that she got in touch because she didn’t hear from you. She’s becoming a little uncertain she’s starting to miss you and she reaches out and you’re like, “hey, you, it’s really good to hear from you. It’s so awesome seeing your name pop up my phone. I was just thinking about you.”

And so it’s okay to be like that. And so in other words, you want to let the tension build long enough to where she’s unsure if you’re going to reach out or not, or where she stands with you. And then she’ll start breaking the silence. If you’re only going to take one contact initiation per week from the time you meet her, then usually the second or third week. How that looks, maybe you went out on Sunday and you guys hooked up, that was your third date. Well, usually, I mean, she’ll probably text you that night and tell you how wonderful it was, but if on Monday she calls you or she texts you or sends you a meme.

Assume that she probably misses you and wants to see you and you just make the next date. And then if she’s reaching out 2 or 3 times a week, then you don’t really have to initiate contact anymore. It’s just she kind of takes the baton and runs with it, so to speak. And then you just wait to hear from her, and then you make the next date. And you’ll notice as the weeks go by, it’s a little unpredictable. Sometimes she’s okay with not talking for 1 or 2 days. Other days it might be 3 or 4. And then when you haven’t heard from her in four days and she breaks the no contact.

“Hey, did you miss me? Have you been thinking about me? Were your ears burning?” Like “why?” “Well, because my girlfriends and I were talking about you.” And those are the kinds of things that you start to hear as their interest goes up. And like I said, once that happens, really it gets to the point typically around week 6 or 7 where she’s going to be calling you, texting you, maybe FaceTiming you 2 or 3 times a day or reaching out. You’ll be at her place every night.

She’ll be at yours, and you’ll just kind of always be together. But she’s going to be the one pursuing and initiating contact and those type of things. So it’s important to let the tension build. But when you do hear from her, it’s like, you know, again, the analogy, the thing that struck me was that when I was looking at the behavior of the daughter, who she kind of goes off and roams around and then comes back like a cat jumps in my arms or want to sit in my lap, gets reassurance, and then she disappears. And then her mom’s like the same way as an adult.

She’s really warm, really happy to see you. Then after you just spent the weekend together, it’s almost like on Monday, Tuesday, maybe you talk to her or whatever. Maybe you notice that she doesn’t seem to be as excited, doesn’t seem to miss you as much, or sending you as many emojis or things like that. And that’s just kind of normal behavior. And you just kind of let it be, let the tension build, and then you ask her out.

And again, as the weeks go by, especially when you get around week 6 or 7, you’re going to notice that you’re pretty much talking to her all the time, and she’s always at your place. And so you let her wonder, so to speak, like a cat. And when she misses you, you pick her up and you embrace her. You’re like, I’m glad you’re here. So you can be warm that way. It’s because sometimes guys take it too far where the woman comes back and they act like they don’t care, or they act too cold, and then the woman feels like she comes back.

She’s excited to see you or talk to you because she’s missed you and you act like you don’t care. So you can take it too far. And sometimes guys do that. And again, that’s where the emailer, it’s kind of where he is. But I wanted to kind of give you the microcosm of what that looks like. And so girls seek safety from their dads when they’re a little unsure about themselves or life, they come back. And when they become adults, it’s the same pattern as an adult woman. They go off and they live their life, and then they start to miss their man. And maybe they call them, they text them.

And so you just want to create the conditions where you’re kind of, you’re waiting a little longer than she does before you break the no contact. But again, once she starts reaching out multiple times a week, you don’t have to initiate contact. And you’ll notice that if you keep initiating contact, it actually becomes counterproductive. It gets in the way of her falling deeply head over heels in love with you. Because if a woman’s always chasing you, you never have to worry about getting dumped or blown off or friend zoned or anything like that.

And again, the nutty girls will get really pissed off when you do this, and they’ll blow their top right away. And again, you’re looking for a girl who’s easy going, easy to get along with, and she’s nice to you. And she’s not that she’s not going to react too well to you following what’s in the book. And then you know that you can eject early before it gets too far down the road because she’s on probation, too. She has to earn you. She has to earn your commitment. She’s got to show through her actions that she’s worthy of that.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach Corey,

I’d love to hear your thoughts on something I’ve been trying to understand and apply better from your work. You often talk about being a challenge to women, not being too available or too eager, and having that Steve McQueen attitude of, “I live for myself and answer to nobody.”

Well, again, it doesn’t mean you’re a coefficient. You act like you don’t give a shit. It’s because remember, she has to wonder where she stands with you. And when she starts to become a little unsure, that’s when she calls you, she texts you, she FaceTimes you. Those kinds of things. Sends you a message on WhatsApp or a meme on WhatsApp. That’s what happens. They they break the tension. Because they’ve had enough wondering about you.

And now it’s like they kind of drop clues. It kind of is almost like, “hey, I’m just seeing what you’re doing. Not that I’m asking you out, but they put themselves in your orbit because they know if you like them, then you’re like, “hey, you. It’s awesome to hear from you. I was just thinking about you. I want to see you. What’s your schedule like?” And then you make the date happen.

And so anytime they feel tension and they feel unsure of themselves, they reach out to you and you’re warm and you pick them up like that little girl. And you love her like that little girl like her daddy would. Then you become her daddy in the bedroom. That’s what you want. Because again, you know, when she’s a little girl and she becomes unsure of life or the world scares her, she’s running to dad. He’s like, baby, I got you. You’re okay. Daddy loves you. And that’s what you want.

Daddy doesn’t go, “Fuck you! Get out of my house. I’m busy. Go outside and play with your brothers and sisters and neighbors. Leave me alone.” Dad’s always like, oh, he’s got time for his baby girl. And so that’s kind of the attitude you let her experience attention of wondering where you’re at, what you’re doing, why she hasn’t heard from you in a few days. And when she does reach out like, hey, you’re glad to hear from her. It’s so great. It’s wonderful. It’s nice to hear your voice again. It’s nice to see your face if she’s FaceTiming you. What the hell did you do to your hair? No. I’m kidding. It kidding. It looks great.

I really like that mindset. I want to be the kind of man who has his own life, his own mission, doesn’t seek a woman’s approval, and isn’t afraid to tease her,

So seeking a woman’s approval is basically acting like the woman seeking to find out where you stand with her. Because a lot of us guys do that when you’re not used to this or behaving this way. You’re like, “I haven’t heard from her a couple days. Is she mad? Am I never going to hear from her again?” And then you get worried. And then you break the tension by reaching out to her.

And it’s okay if her interest is low, but if you constantly can’t hold out longer than she does, eventually she’s going to pick up on that. And then she’ll become more distant, more aloof, harder to get out of date, those kinds of things. Or her schedule will become less flexible and less available. So it’s really important that you let women come to you at their pace, that they are comfortable.

I want to be the kind of man who has his own life, his own mission, doesn’t seek a woman’s approval, and isn’t afraid to tease her, challenge her, or even be a bit of a “jerk” in a playful and attractive way instead of always trying to be the nice guy.

Well, you can troll her and break her balls just like I was talking about a second ago. “Hey, you. What happened to your hair?” I was like, you know, especially if you notice she just got her hair done. Because women the first thing they’re like, “oh, does he notice my hair? You say, what happened? What the fuck happened to your hair?” It’s like, “well, you don’t like it. I was like, it looks hot.” That’s just like that. And then she’s like, “oh my God, the hair is fucked up. He doesn’t like it.” And then you’re like, “you look pretty hot in that.”

And so it’s just you’re just kind of messing with her a little bit. So it’s like you let her wonder like, “oh my God, he doesn’t like it.” It was like, “oh, it looks great babe. It gives me more room to grab on to later when I’m having my way with you.” So that’s kind of the difference. It’s like you let her wonder it’s like, “does he really not like my hair? Does he not like the dress?” “Where the hell did you find that dress at?” “Oh my God, you don’t like it?” “You look so fucking hot in it.” I was like, “oh, I think you liked it.”

I was like, “of course I like it. You look good in anything, babe.” So it’s like you let them wonder. You let them twist in the wind a little bit and then you’re warm. That’s what treating her like the bratty little sister is. You don’t take it too far. You’re not a dick about it. You can kind of come off as like you’re a little bit of a dick and let her wonder, “is he being a dick to me or a jerk?” He’s like, “babe, you look great.” But again, it’s just part of the teasing. If she’s got older brothers, she’s going to be used to that.

But where exactly is the line between being that kind of man and becoming too much of a “cold fish”?

Again, you let her wonder. And when she’s unsure, you pick her up and you hug her. It’s so good to hear from you. You smell amazing, honey. You always pick great perfumes.

For example, if a woman is clearly into me and making an effort, I don’t want to become so focused on being a challenge that I barely show any enthusiasm or affection.

Yeah. You show enthusiasm and affection. When she’s wondering where she stands with you or she broke the silence. Meaning maybe you hadn’t spoken in a couple of days and she reaches out. I was like, “hey, you, it’s so great to hear from you. I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss your cute lips. I love kissing your lips.”

At some point, couldn’t she simply conclude, “This guy isn’t really that interested in me,” and start losing interest herself?

Yep. Yeah. If you’re a dick to her when she reaches out and you’re cold, you’re like, get away. I mean, kids can tell who’s a good adult and a safe adult and who to stay away from. And so you kind of think of it as, you know, little kids come over and it’s like, “Corey!” It’s like, “hey, you. What are you guys doing? What are you up to?” Instead of, “get away from me, you old bastards.” It’s kind of how some guys are when the woman comes back, he’s in a bad mood. She’s like, oh, he doesn’t like me. And then, yeah, she will stay away.

How do you balance those two sides?

Again, when she breaks the silence then you’re like, you pick her up and hug her. It’s like, think of it as like you’re just loving that little inner child in her.

How do you communicate, “Yes, I really like you and I enjoy being with you,” while still maintaining the attitude of “I live for myself and answer to nobody”?

Well, you live for yourself and you answer to nobody. It’s a woman’s job to get your attention. And so when she reaches out, you’re happy to hear from her. You’re not like, “get away from me, you bitch!” You know? You know, even if you’re in a bad mood. And if you weren’t a bad mood, you were kind of a dick. Say, “hey, sorry being an asshole the other day, I was really stressed out.” So you’ve got to take ownership of that, too.

And how can a guy tell when he’s successfully being a challenge versus when he’s simply being too cold, distant, or emotionally unavailable?

Well again, if you’re warm to her, then you’re going to see her more. As the weeks go by, you see her more. She’s more affectionate because she becomes unsure of herself. And of course, you reassure her that you care when she breaks the silence. So that’s when you’re warm. When she breaks the silence or the No Contact, you’re glad to hear from her.

If you’re trying to get an ex back and she breaks No Contact, you’re just happy to hear from them. “Hey babe, it’s nice to hear from you. It’s great to see your name pop up in my phone again. Kind of missed you.” “You did?” “I missed you naked in my bed. You should get your little ass over here.”

I’d especially love to hear how you personally think about this balance when a woman already has a high level of attraction and is actively pursuing you.

Thanks, Coach. Love from Israel.

Cool. So that’s in a nutshell, the difference that makes the difference. Let her wonder, let her twist in the wind. And then when she reaches out, be glad to hear from her, tease her, mess with her a little bit. Again, like the jokes I was doing about her hair.

Because again, one of the biggest thing, or if she’s showing her nails like this, it’s like, “what the fuck happened to your nails?” She’s like, “you don’t like it? I spent three hours at a salon.” I was like, “maybe they look so hot and I can’t wait for you to run those nails all over my back later. That’s pretty hot.” That’s all you got to do? Pretty simple.

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