How To Course Correct If You’re Stuck Being Just Friends

How to get out of friend zone if you initially agreed to it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who started trying to date a woman despite her being adamant that it was as friends only. He’s only paying attention to his high romantic interest in her while she has low to no romantic interest and keeps telling him this. He goes out on dates and tries to escalate physically and gets shot down. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “How To Course Correct If You’re Stuck Being Just Friends”.

Well, this particular email is from a viewer. He says he’s an avid follower of my work, but he admits he’s got ADHD, so it looks like he’s having a hard time and he’s very challenging to stay focused, as he says. So in this particular instance, he made the cardinal sin of trying to date a girl who right off the get go, just says friends only.

His solution was just to basically ignore that and proceed anyways, as if everything was great. She keeps reiterating friends only he keeps trying to date her like normal. Obviously it’s not going too well for him. So this is why if a woman says, “Well, I only think of you as a friend or friends only.”

You’ve got to say, “I’m not interested in that.” You don’t just go, “Oh, okay.” Thinking that you’ll change your mind later. Because if you agree to hang out with them in a “friends only” context they just assume you’ve agreed to be friends only.

And it just, the more you hang out with her, the more you spend time with her as friends only it just gets harder and harder to get out of that. They’ll let you take them out and spend money on them, but you won’t get anywhere physically with them like this guy is experiencing.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey Wayne,

I’m a premium member and an avid follower of your work. I have ADHD, so it can be challenging to stay focused, but I’m working through your material. I’d appreciate your perspective on a situation I may have mishandled.

Well, you definitely mishandled it, but let’s see what we can do to turn that frown upside down.

I’m 39, a nurse, living in a large town in the UK. I met a woman in her mid-20s at a club and got her number. Shortly after, I went to Asia for three weeks. When I returned, we arranged to meet. From the outset, she said she wasn’t looking for anything serious and repeatedly framed our meet-up as “not a date”.

Again, you don’t agree to that. Just say, “Well, I’m not looking for a friend or a pal. I’m interested in you romantically.” If she says, “Well, that’s all I can offer.” And just say, “Well, you’ve got my number. If you change your mind, hit me up.” The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And you never, ever, under any circumstances, agree to be friends first or friends only, or go out with the agreement that it’s not a date.

Because you think you’re going to go out and then just try to change it while you’re with her, 99% of the time, that’s just not going to work out. Because usually what she’s saying is, I don’t really have any interest in you, but hey, you know, I’m a little hungry. Maybe you can fill my belly full of food and cocktails, and maybe I’ll give you a hug or a kiss and a cheek and tell you what a great friend you are, but you’re never going to get anywhere near the promised land.

Suggesting coffee or a walk. I agreed and didn’t acknowledge or challenge the “friends” framing. 

Well, that’s a big mistake on your part. And if you’re an avid follower, you should know that by now. But you did say that you’ve got ADHD, so you’re a little challenged.

On the first meet, we walked, got a take away coffee, not sure how that came about, and sat in a park. She talked almost the entire time about her life.

This is how you become the emotional tampon. Because again, you’ve agreed to basically be your gay male girlfriend at this point. And so what she’s going to do is steer the interaction strictly towards something platonic.

I learned she had recently divorced after five years of marriage and had been celebrating it the night we met. She spoke for ages and I did hardly any talking. I was hoping we could gravitate towards a pub or bar but it never happened. 

It sounds like you were kind of waiting for her to lead. That’s another part of the problem. She probably gets that vibe that you’re just such a very passive guy. Women like a guy that’ll stand up to them and say, “I’m not interested in friends. Only we can be friends with benefits maybe. But if you’re just looking for something platonic. I’m not looking for a buddy or a pal. I’ve got plenty of friends. That doesn’t work for me.”

Give her a chance to respond. If she says, “Well, that’s all I can offer.” And just say, “Well, you’ve got my number, hit me up if you ever change your mind.” And then you just, you move on. Because at the end of the day, you’re in a negotiation. You want sex and romance. And she says, how about platonic friends in a nice big case of blue balls? You just never agree to that.

And plus, when you agree to be friends, only hanging out thinking you’re going to change later, that shows that you’re soft. She knows deep down that you want more than something platonic, but the fact that you weren’t strong enough to pass or to withdraw your presence from that just basically shows that you’re too soft and compliant as a man. They want you to tell them, “No, no, thank you. You’ve got my number? Hit me up if you change your mind.”

On text we agreed to meet again and I stated I’d like to have a drink with her. She said she avoided alcohol.

Which we know is not true, as you’ll see in a minute.

Saying she was dieting, and questioned why I’d want to get her drunk.

So again, she already doesn’t think very highly of you. She thinks you’re soft and squishy. She knows you like her and you’re trying to date her, but she’s clearly disrespecting you. That’s the way she’s talking to you that way. If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch.

I explained I simply enjoy a drink occasionally as I work hard. 

And I’d like to go out with you and have some fun. He didn’t say that part. But again, because he’s just too nice. This is what the nice guy experience is. Doesn’t speak up for himself, keeps engaging with a woman that says friends only instead of walking away from that.

I then stopped messaging and left her to it.

Well, that was the right response. She’s giving you a hard time about getting together. What are you missing? You’re missing enthusiasm. Instead of getting a “Hell yeah, I’d love to have a drink with you. That’d be nice. That’d be wonderful to get together with you.” She’s like, “Why are you trying to get me drunk? Ugh, I’m dieting. Don’t you know?” This shows she doesn’t respect you.

After a few days, she reached out, tried to get me to meet her while she was out drinking with friends.

Oh, I thought she was dieting. I thought she doesn’t like to drink.

And later repeatedly video called me and invited me to a house party. I declined.

Which was the right response so good job there. Because at the end of the day, you want to go out on a date with her, not a group date with a bunch of people because you’re not going to get anywhere. All you end up doing is buying her drinks and her friends drinks, and then go home with an empty wallet and blue balls the size of watermelons, which is not good for a man.

The next day, I called her and she apologized, saying she had been drunk and encouraged by friends to video call me. During that call we arranged to meet again later that same evening for what would be our second meet. I was almost there at our meeting point and she called me apologizing saying she’d fallen asleep.

Oh, I fell asleep.

She said she’d shower and do her make up and meet me. She eventually arrived an hour late.

I would have made her buy the first round. I was like, “Well, you’re an hour late. You’ve got to buy the first round.”

Meanwhile, I waited in a bar watching soccer. If I had driven and not walked 20 minutes to meet her I probably would have cancelled the date and driven home. However, I felt committed at that point. We had a drink, which she barely touched, and after we went back to my place to watch a film.

Well, I would have done three different things. You meet for a drink, then maybe you go to dinner and then something else after that. But again, this whole scenario is fucked because you’ve agreed from the get go to be friends only and you haven’t spoken up for yourself. That’s what the needy nice guy does. That’s why they say nice guys finish last. The nice guy goes out when he hears friends only and thinking, “Oh, it’ll change.”

Whereas the guy’s got choices and options, he’s going to be like, “Yeah, I’m not interested in that. We could be friends with benefits, maybe. But if you’re just looking for a platonic friend or a buddy or a pal, I’m not your guy. But if you want to go out and you’re interested in romance, potentially. I’d love to get together with you. So where what do you think? You’re interested in romance. But if you’re looking for something platonic I’m gonna pass.”

You’ve got to stand up for yourself and what you want. You’ve got to have self respect. If you don’t have enough self respect to tell a woman, no, you’re not going to get anywhere near her strawberry fields.

It was her first time coming to my place. She refused wine so I had a glass myself. When I initiated light physical contact on the sofa, she pulled away and said we were “just friends”. I respected that.

Why? You should have just said, “Well, I’m not interested in just friends. Maybe friends with benefits baby. But I’m not looking for something platonic.” And if she’s like, “Well, I told you in the beginning, just friends only.” I was like, “Well, I guess why don’t we just go ahead and end it here? Because I’m not interested in that.”

I tried again later when she said she was cold, but she pulled away again, though stayed sitting close to me. We spent a few hours together, and I drove her home at the end. She was going to get a taxi but I offered to drive her home. Should I have bothered?

Well, if she’s giving you friend zone and blue balls, I’d be like, “Yeah, taxi’s a good idea.” To let her take the taxi and deleted her number.

I’m confused by the mixed signals, dressing sexy, inviting me over to her house party, video calling while drunk, coming back to my place yet clearly stating she only wants friendship.

Because it’s a test. Because you are too much of a pussy to stand up for yourself and what you wanted. And so you sheepishly agreed to be friends only. And that’s why, obviously, I would say there’s probably some attraction there, but the fact that you acquiesce to friends only.

She’s like, “This guy’s a bitch.” If he can’t stand up to a woman, how are you going to protect her? If you can’t say no when she offers you friendship, when you really want to get in her pants, how is she supposed to respect you as a man? You’re being deceptive and dishonest. You’re not being authentic and real.

When she reaches out again, should I arrange a date and then clearly state I’m not interested in being just friends?

No, I wouldn’t even bring up getting together. If she reaches out, talk for 2 or 3 minutes, then say, “Hey, it was nice hearing from you. I’ve got to run, keep in touch.” And if she calls or she says, “Well, hey, we should get together and do this. We should get together and do that.” It’s like, “Well, I’m interested in you romantically. I’m not interested in something platonic that should be obvious to you.

If you’re just looking for a platonic friend or a pal or a buddy to hang out with, I’m not your guy. But if you’re interested in romance, potentially, I’d love to see you. So what are you thinking? Where are you at? Are you interested in a little romance, or are you looking for a buddy or a pal?” “Well all I can offer is friends only.” “Well, you’ve got my number. Hit me up if you change your mind. I’ve got to run, I’ll talk to you later.”

So at this point, I would wait until she invited you to do something. And then I would say, I would reiterate what you want. And if she says, “Friends only.” Or “That’s all I can do for now. We could be friends first and maybe later it’ll change.” Just never agree to that.

When a woman says friends first and you agree to that, you’re basically telling her you’re a bitch, and women will treat you like a bitch if you act like a bitch. That’s why she was like, “Ugh, I’m on a diet.” And then, of course, she calls you when she’s shitfaced. So it was a lie. It was a test because she doesn’t respect you, because you don’t respect yourself.

Maybe something along the lines of “If we meet, I want you to drop the ‘friends’ label. I want to date you!”

Well, I would say it the way I said it, but at the end of the day, you’ve got to make sure before you see her in person that you have that conversation. If she’s adamant about something platonic. You’re going to withdraw the offer and tell her to “get in touch if she changes her mind.”

I’m aware of 7 principles to get an ex back, it’s just the communication of putting my foot down and stating what I want where I’m getting confused. 

Well there’s really nothing to be confused about, you’re just too sheepish and too afraid to stand up for yourself and tell the girl no.

I’m fearful that she may think I want her to be my girlfriend when I clearly just want a chance to get to know her in a romantic sense. 

Dude, she knows you like her romantically. The problem is, you’re too much of a fucking pussy to stand up to her and tell her no. That’s the problem.

I realize I may have made mistakes and would like to course-correct. Is it too late? 

Thank you for your guidance and everything you do. 

Regards,

Bob

Well, you’ll know if she reaches out to you. But if you never hear from her again, then I’d put a fork in it. But never ever, under any circumstances, agree to hang out with a girl when she says, “friends first” or “friends only”. Or “That’s all she can offer you is something platonic.” You’ve got to decline that. If she says “friends”, you say, “Well, I’m down for friends with benefits, but I’m not looking for something just strictly platonic.”

Again, a woman’s going to try to friend zone you if her interest is low, and especially if she thinks you’re too nice of a guy or you’re a bitch. And so I would say from the get go, her interest wasn’t super high, but you were persistent. So you had that going in your favor. At the end of the day, you’re supposed to be driving the fun bus. You’re supposed to be the man.

You’re supposed to be the guy saying, this is what I want. This is what I live for. This is my truth. These are my values. This is who I am. This is what I want. And if the other person’s like, “Yeah, no thank you”, then you just say, “Well, I’m going to pass.” You have to have the balls to stand up for yourself and negotiate in good faith for yourself.

And because basically what this does is it boils down to you’re being a terrible negotiator for yourself. You’re acting like you’re not worthy of sex and romance. And so therefore, that’s why she’s giving you blue balls. So but I would say if I’m a betting man, probably she’ll be in touch. Because you notice that when you completely backed off, she did reach out. But then again, she was drunk. So don’t ever agree to that again in the future with her or any woman. It’s a bad way to go, my man.

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