How to end a relationship in a loving way when you’re no longer feeling it and it’s time to move on.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been married to his wife for five years. He’s tried dating and courting her properly and doing fun things together, but his wife is making no effort and they haven’t had sex in seven months. They are basically platonic roommates at this point.
He asks how to end the relationship in a loving way. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
What do you do when a relationship has run its course? When you know it’s time to pull the ripcord and get out? What’s the best approach? I’ve got an email from a guy, he’s been married for about five years, and he says for the last seven months, he and his wife have not been having sex anymore. He says there was a previous email that I answered for him in the past, and he started dating and courting her properly – which I talked about in How To Be A 3% Man – but things have not changed.
Brutal honesty is always the best policy. Go talk to a divorce attorney first before you blow up your marriage or your relationship, especially the way the laws are because I have people all over the world. Every state, every country has different laws, so you need to seek legal counsel wherever you live and whatever laws that you’re going to fall under. Staying in a loveless, sexless marriage “for the sake of the kids” is not doing anything except giving them an example of a loveless, sexless marriage. And then they’ll go out and they’ll create the same kind of relationship when they grow up, and as a parent, that’s not what you want. You want your kids to do better than you – to have a better life, to be happier, to be more successful, have more love, more friendships, more successes, more wins than you have – because then, you feel like a success.
Good morning, Coach,
I have watched a lot of your videos and have been reading your book while following along on Audible (it has helped me retain more information).
So, we’re talking about “How To Be A 3% Man,” and what I generally suggest people to do is to read the book – a physical copy or a digital copy – while they’re listening to the audiobook on one and a half to two speed; because this book’s about seven and a half hours on the audiobook, and if you’re listening to it on double speed, you can get through it in like three and a half hours.
Plus, by focusing on the book and reading along as the words are being said, you’re going to concentrate on it way more than listening to it at the gym, or driving in your car, or doing stuff at your house. The goal is to learn and absorb the material as quickly as possible and in as short of a time as possible.
So, I have been married coming up on 5 years, and me and my wife have been sexless for a better part of 7 months.
So, now they’re platonic roommates, and that’s no fun. That’s not why you got married. You got married because you wanted to get your freak on with somebody who loved everything about you, and vice versa. If you’re no longer having sex, you are roommates. And if you’re going to be roommates with somebody, they should be paying their fair share and it should strictly be platonic, not somebody that’s supposed to be your wife that you should be getting your freak on with.
I have continually taken her out to do something fun and trying to rekindle what we had, (you responded to my previous email – “Is This As Good As It Gets?” – where you talked about courting properly and her feeling safe and comfortable).
And so, when I’m talking to guys that are in this particular situation and they’re going, “Should I stay? Should I go?”, well, the only thing you have control over is how you show up. So, what you should be doing is learning what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” applying it, being the best man you can be, getting back to dating and courting her properly. But if she doesn’t respond to that and she doesn’t participate, then at least you did everything you could on your end.
Because it requires both people to make it work, and if the other person’s not making an effort – which you’re going to see in a second that’s what’s going on with this particular guy’s wife. He’s taking control of the controllables, which I also talk about in “Mastering Yourself“; in other words, he’s doing what he can to be the most attractive that he can be to his wife and other women, because he wants to be an attractive man in general. That’s what a 3% man will do. And so, he’s done that, but she’s still not making the effort. And it takes two to tango; if she don’t want to tango, you ain’t dancing.
I think I have come to a point now where I’m just not feeling it. I feel like my desire and passion for her is totally gone, because in my heart, I feel like there is no longer a spark, and I deserve to feel that effortless relationship that you talk about being my birthright.
Well, you’ve got to see reality as it is – not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is – and she’s not making an effort. Never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you.
But I continue to waffle back and forth on whether to stay together because I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings or leave and think maybe the grass isn’t greener. I want to kinda experience dating and be on my own and be able to date and experience things that I never have before.
Well, what are you getting out of this marriage? She’s not holding up her end of the bargain. You date her, and you court her, and your romance her, and you get nothing but blue balls for your efforts. That’s no fun. That’s not what you signed up for.
It takes two; she ain’t making the effort, so just like I said, two to tango, but she ain’t tangoin’, so you ain’t dancing. And therefore, you should dance right out of her life and dance into some new girl’s life. Because if you’ve taken care of everything you can take care of – you’ve been reading the book “How To Be A 3% Man,” you read it 10 or 15 times, you’re dating and courting her properly – and she doesn’t appreciate it, she doesn’t want it, she doesn’t value it. Go find somebody who does.
How do you have the conversation about divorce in a loving way? That you’re just not feeling it anymore romantically?
Just say, “Honey, we need to talk. Right now. This is really important.” And just say, “This ain’t working for me. I’m not happy. I don’t want to stay together anymore. You’re not making any effort. I’ve already spoken to a divorce attorney, and I’ve started the process. I want you to move out, and I want us to move on.”
“We’re going to sell the house. We’re going to dispose of the assets this way,” or whatever it happens to be. “I’m just, I’m not feeling it. You’re not making the effort. There’s no point in us staying together; we’ve become platonic roommates, and I want more than this, so I’m going to start dating other people, and I’m moving on. It’s been swell, but here’s the card of my divorce attorney. I suggest you go seek your own counsel.”
And try to get as much done upfront as possible. Hopefully, put together a settlement agreement of what you like and what you think is fair. But as soon as she gets an attorney involved, you’ve got to remember divorce attorneys make money by the hour, and the longer they can keep the conflict going, the longer they can fleece you and drain your bank accounts dry.
Implore her, say, “You get an attorney involved and we start fighting over things, all the attorneys are going to do is bankrupt both of us. And so, the more we can solve on our own, the better off we’re going to be.” That’s the best thing you do.
Just tell her how it is. Tell her the truth. Tell her you want her to move out. She’s not making an effort. It’s time for her to go on down the road and go find somebody that lights her soul on fire. Because just sitting here with seven months no sex – yet you date her, you take her out, and she doesn’t appreciate any of it, and she doesn’t like being touched by you – that’s no fun. That’s not what you signed up for. So, it’s time to be honest – brutally honest – and move on.
And you’ll feel better. I remember when I had that same conversation with my ex-wife, it was the worst thing in the world. I didn’t want to do it. It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t pleasant, I agonized over it for months. And after it was finally done, I felt relieved. I felt a lot better. And so, once it’s done, you’ll feel better.
But like I said, you’ve got to deal with divorce attorneys, and depending on where you live – what state and country you live and the way the divorce laws are – like I said, you need to talk to a competent legal counsel in your country, your city, your state where you happen to reside who understands the laws that you are subject to.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen, and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The best way to end a relationship is to be honest and tell it like it is, even when it will hurt the feelings of other people. Letting things linger when it’s over doesn’t serve anyone. If you are married, you should seek the advice of a good divorce attorney before doing anything, so you can limit your legal exposure and downside risk. If you’ve got kids, they need healthy examples of good relationships to emulate. Kids will follow the example you set for them, not what you tell them they should do. The sooner you can move on to find the next great love of your life, the better it will be for you, your family, your kids and your overall sense of happiness and wellbeing.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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