How to know if your relationship is as good as it gets or if you can truly have a spectacular love life with someone else.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who writes in wondering if his marriage of four years is truly as good as it can get for him and he should just be content with a lack of sex, intimacy, passion and fun with his wife. He says he has struggled mentally with anxiety, self-worth issues and believing that he was good enough.
He and his wife often will go weeks and even months without any sex or physical intimacy. He brings it up with his wife, and she just blames or insults him and nothing changes. He asks if walking away is the only solution after reading, but obviously not applying anything he is learning from my book, How To Be A 3% Man. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is obviously creating problems in his marriage. Because he’s struggling mentally and emotionally, he’s not being the leader in his household and his relationship. And the problem is that he’s not dating and courting his wife properly, and from the tone of his email, it doesn’t sound like they’re having a lot of fun together. And then he gets upset with her because they’re not having any sex and intimacy.
So, he says he’s read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, twice now and he’s starting on the third, but it really doesn’t sound like he’s applying anything. He’s more focused on himself and the fact that he’s not getting any sex and intimacy. And when you’re experiencing pain in a relationship, that’s because you’re focusing on yourself. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. You’re there to help each other grow, to become more, to be teammates, to meet each other’s needs.
And if you’re allowing your personal problems, or work issues, or maybe you’re not taking care of your body, if you allow those things to get in the way of being a man and being the leader of the household, your woman’s not going to feel safe and comfortable trusting your masculine core to lead the household. And therefore, she’s not going to feel heard and understood and the legs are going to close. And complaining about a lack of sex and intimacy is going to do nothing to fix it. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.
Like I say all the time, the formula is hang out, have fun and hook up. And if you’re not making dates to hang out, and you’re not having fun when you’re hanging out, and you’re not opening her up, making her feel heard and understood, there’s going to be no hook up. And if you’d like to get one of these sweet mugs, you can go to Spring in the Coach Corey Wayne store to keep as a reminder, because this is perpetual.
It always has to be happening. Even if you’re married and you’ve got a bunch of kids, at least two to three times a month, you should have a date night where you take care of the babysitter, you take care of all the arrangements, you take your queen out and you show her a good time, and it’s just the two of you, so the two of you can focus on your relationship.
If you have a family, if you’ve got kids, the number one thing in the relationship is you and your queen. If you let your kids come in between that and the kids come first, so to speak, your relationship is going to suffer and, ultimately, your kids are going to suffer. If the man and woman, their goals and their values are not aligned raising their children, running their household, it’s not going to last and there’s not going to be any sex and intimacy. And then people are going to start looking for the exits.
So, if you’re going to be involved with a woman, you have to always be the leader. Even though you might go through some difficult times, you can’t let it become the place where you live emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. You can’t let it drag on. You can’t turn your girl into your therapist, and you can’t make her be the leader of the household. Because women don’t want control. They started following you because they wanted to follow your lead. And so, that must always be the way if you want to maintain sexual polarity, attraction and interest. And obviously, this guy is just not doing it.
My name is Bob. I have been married for 4 years on October 28th. We don’t have any kids, I’m 36 she’s 32, so I’m coming to you because I’m having a hard time wondering if this is as good as it gets for me.
Well, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue to get what you’ve always got. And obviously, it’s no bueno right now. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. You’re the man, you’re the leader of the household, it’s up to you to fix it. I get a lot of grief from beta males in the internet complaining going, “Corey, it’s always the man’s fault,” when the man is the one writing me the email, not the woman.
I can’t influence the woman, because I’m not talking to her. I’m talking to the man. He’s supposed to be the leader of the household. At the end of the day, he’s the one with the penis. He’s supposed to be the leader. You’re supposed to penetrate your woman with your strength, not your weakness. You’re going to have problems, shit’s going to happen in life.
You can’t let it go on for years and years and years and not address it and then be upset that there’s no sex and intimacy. Because if you stop being the leader, how is she going to feel safe and comfortable to follow you, and open up to you, and trust your masculine core, and let you have your way with her? She’s not. You’re going to turn her into the man, and you’re going to turn into the woman. It’s going to ruin the sexual polarity.
And it doesn’t matter, this applies for heterosexual, gay and lesbian relationships. Whoever the masculine one is needs to be the man of the household, so to speak. And when they’re not, the sexual intimacy is going to dry up. Across the board, heterosexual, gay, lesbian relationships, if the masculine one’s not being the leader, the sex goes away, they become roommates.
I’ve read your book twice and have started a third. About two years ago, I realized I needed help mentally with my anxiety and self-worth issues, “believing that I was good enough.”
Well, we have two primary fears. All human beings have this. But again, you can’t let it hijack you. And the two primary fears are fear that we’re not enough. In other words, fear that we don’t have what it takes. And the second one is fear that we won’t be loved, accepted by our friends, family or peer group.
And so, believing that you’re not good enough is something that everybody struggles with. But as a man, like I get into real detail in “Mastering Yourself,” your purpose, your mission in life — which obviously you can read this for free, in addition to “How To Be A 3% Man,” at UnderstandingRelationships.com, just subscribe to the email newsletter — the man’s got to take care of his purpose and mission in life.
He’s got to have goals. He’s got to have things he wants to accomplish. He doesn’t have to have succeeded at all that, but he has to know what he wants, why he wants it, and he has to be relentlessly pursuing it, even when the future looks like it’s in doubt. Again, if you let your problems hijack you, you’re going to cause your woman to feel very unsafe and very uncomfortable, and she’s not going to feel safe opening up to you.
And in this particular case, she’s not going feel safe enough to have the possibility of getting pregnant either, because you’re not being the leader. If you can’t take care of your own life, how are you going to take care of her and your kids? It’s not going to happen. She’s not going to feel safe, and she’s not going to trust you. And she’s going to resent it, and she’s going to be bitchy and she’ll be grumpy because she wants you to man the fuck up. That’s the harsh reality.
You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. We’re men here. We solve problems. We don’t sit around and whine about them or cry about it or wait for somebody to come save us or try to turn our wives or girlfriends into our mommies. That’s not what they signed up for.
And I think it has really helped me a lot with how I deal with things day to day. For the better part of 3 years, I have been sexually frustrated. We go on droughts of weeks and months constantly with no intimacy.
Well, that’s because you’re woman doesn’t feel heard and understood, and she doesn’t trust your leadership, because you’re not leading in the relationship. And it doesn’t sound like you’re having much fun either. It just sounds like you’re bitching that she ain’t giving up the pussy to you, and she ain’t giving up the pussy because you’re not being a man.
“How To Be A 3% Man” is not going to help you if you read it 50 times, but don’t do anything. I had a phone conversation recently with a guy who had been with his wife like 20 years, and in the last 10, 12 years, there’s been almost no sex and intimacy. And he read my book a dozen times, but he wasn’t doing anything. He literally changed nothing in his approach, and he’s complaining because it’s not going anywhere.
You have to participate in your own rescue. Nobody’s coming to save you, nobody’s going to do it for you. Nobody cares about your problems, nobody cares about my problems, and they’re glad we have them. So, the only thing you can do is grind and take action, even when it feels hopeless. That’s what men do. We take action no matter what, because eventually that worm is going to turn. Eventually, after enough years, months, weeks, decades, shit will finally come together. That’s what makes women feel safe, is when no matter what, no matter how many failures, you keep charging ahead, you don’t lose any enthusiasm.
Yeah, you take your bumps and bruises, and you get beat up, and you have days where you’re down on yourself, but you keep moving forward. You have to do it. It’s what men do. And when men take care of this, our women feel safe like, “He’s going to figure it out. He always figures it out. I can trust him. He’ll know what to do.” And she’ll feel safe following your leadership, moving into her feminine and being really feminine, submissive and opening those legs up, taking you to the promised land.
Hang out, have fun, hook up. It’s a formula, and it must be followed in that order. And you are not doing it, dude. You are bitching out on your responsibilities as a man.
I bring it up and we talk about it, things are positive for stretches then go back no intimacy for stretches.
Well, like the quote said, the courtship never ends, it’s perpetual. And you guys don’t have any kids, so you should be at least having one or two date nights a week going out and doing fun things, or cook at home together and having fun pinching your wife in the ass, pinching her nipples, teasing her, messing with her. “How was your day, babe?”
One of the best things you could do as a man when you first get home, “Hey, babe, how is your day?” Not, “Oh, I’m stressed out.” You know, “She’s not listening to my problems.” No, it’s like, “I’m going to go home and open my queen up, because when I open her up and I listen to her, she smiles, she feels joy. And when I see the joy in her face, that makes me feel successful.” Because as men, if a woman is happy, we did that. That’s how we feel. And when she’s not happy, we take responsibility for that.
And your girl is not happy, because you’re not taking care of business. No reason to feel down about it. I’m being harsh, but masculine energy grows through challenges, so I’m challenging you to get back to being a man and start romancing your queen and having fun and getting her to talk. “Hey babe, how was your day? Tell me about your day. Really? What else? Tell me more. Oh, what happened next? How’d that make you feel?” These are the kinds of things you want to do.
“How To Communicate With Women Effectively” is a video I did many years ago. I think it’s like eight or ten minutes long. You should watch that over and over and apply that. It works.
I’m a very medium sex drive person. I have even said I’m okay with two times per week, and that NEVER happens.
Okay, so she’s just supposed to come and fuck you twice a week, and you don’t have to do anything for it? Come on, man. You’ve got to romance her. The formula’s hang out, have fun, hook up. Go to Spring and get yourself one of these mugs and then you can have it at the office, you can have it at home, and you can remind yourself of it. It’s a simple formula, but it works. You’re going right to the hook up part and you’re mad that you’re not hooking up. Well, you didn’t do the first two. It’s step one, step two, step three.
I feel rejected.
Well, you’re the man in the household. You’re the one with the penis. If you don’t like it, then don’t be in a relationship with a woman. Anybody that wants to bitch about it, fucking cry more pussy, because I don’t care. You’ve got to be a fucking man, and you’ve got to be the leader.
I always get blamed for her lack of desire.
Well, you’re making her pussy dryer than a bucket of sand or the Sahara Desert. What do you want?
Like, “well if you would help out around the house more.”
It’s not about helping out around the house. She uses the example of helping out around the house, but what she’s really saying with that is, “Be the fucking man, man the fuck up. Romance me, take the time to get to know what’s going on inside me.” Women solve their problems by talking about them. They feel close to you when you actually listen and want to know what’s going on with them. That makes them feel like you care.
If you’re just bitching about the fact you’re not getting any pussy, all it tells her is you don’t care about her needs, her wants and her desires. You got into the relationship, because you wanted to romance her and you wanted to light her up, just like a pinball machine.
Or “if you would talk to the doctor about getting some meds, then I wouldn’t get so annoyed having a conversation with you.”
So, that’s her frustration there. She’s had this conversation a number of times, and you’re not changing your approach. You’re doing nothing about it. She gives you feedback that she’s unhappy, and then you complain you’re getting no pussy, and you’re not dating and courting her anymore. It’s not going to work. This cycle’s not going to work. Eventually, she’s going to get tired and leave you. Who knows. And if she’s a chick that belongs to the streets, she’ll just fuck somebody else. Hopefully you made a good choice in your wife and she has integrity.
I bought her flowers one time and put a sticky note on her car that said, “I love you,” and she said that night, “you put a sticky note on my car two days in a row, that’s a little bit too much. And I’ve told you I don’t like roses.”
So, if you cared, you would get her some of the things that she likes. She’s looking at that, because she thinks “He just wants some pussy. That’s why he put a sticky note. He thinks a little sticky note is going to solve the problem, and it’s going to make my legs open up.” You’re using sticky notes and roses as a bribe for sex, just like the other dunces in movies do that don’t know any better.
I just feel stuck and I’m starting to lose who I am as a person.
Well, get out there and start hanging out with your friends and having activities with other people outside of your wife. Start working out, take care of your body. Another thing that’s really good, my third book, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations.” Get the audiobook. It’s a microcosm of everything I teach, and the reviews are amazing that I’ve gotten so far. Everything’s five star reviews, and people love it because it’s a great mindset book.
And so, in addition to “How To Be A 3% Man” and “Mastering Yourself,” I highly recommend you go get the audiobook, so you can listen to that when you’re working out, because it goes through all these principles.There’s 250 different success quotes from different articles over the years that are in there, along with me going on about these concepts to help drill it in and approach it from 250 different directions, if you will. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.
Is walking away the best decision?
Well, you’re pretty much not making any effort at all, and now you’re walking away? It’s like, you’ve got to fix this, dude. You’ve got to hang out, have fun and hook up. You’ve got to show her that you actually care. You’ve got to start being the man of the household again.
And how do I know I’m making the best decision?
Thank you for your time.
Well, the most important thing, the only thing you have control over, is how you show up. And so, you’ve got to start taking care of you. It’s like what Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” So take care of you. Take care of your body, go work out. Go reconnect with some of your friends that you may have lost touch with. Hang out with your family.
And at least once or twice a week, you need to have a date night. And don’t go out with the mindset of “I want some pussy or access to the box.” Go out because you genuinely want to show your girl a good time, like you did back when you guys first started dating. The whole thing was you wanted to have a good time and have fun and laugh, so you could access the box later on. Again, hang out, have fun, hook up. It’s a simple formula.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge, maybe you’ve got something similar in your own marriage or relationship — the sex has dried up, the intimacy has dried up, and you don’t know what to do — go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Love is playful and fun. Not serious. Men who love, value and appreciate their women enjoy romancing and seducing them on a frequent basis. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is happy and in love with her man. She embodies feminine joy and enjoys making her man happy. Women know that when men no longer romance and seduce them regularly, they either don’t care or don’t have what it takes to be the leader and man in their household. This causes romantic attraction to plummet and the woman loses interest in sex and intimacy. The courtship never ends in a relationship. When it does, the sex, intimacy and relationship also end.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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