How To Get Her To Chase You & Ask To Be Your Girlfriend

How to get women to chase you & ask to be in a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a new viewer. He’s been friends with a woman he met in college for five years. They recently started hooking up after she broke up with her boyfriend. She said she wasn’t ready for a relationship. He wants to know what his next steps are going forward so it becomes something serious.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this particular email is from a viewer who’s new. He’s been following along for about three weeks. So he had a woman that he met in college that he’s known for like five years. They were always friends, but it seems like they were both always in a relationship with other people. I guess during college, there was a time where they were both single and they kind of fooled around, but it never really went anywhere. So they’ve always kind of stayed in touch. Seems like he reaches out to her. She reaches out to him, shares what’s going on in their lives. If one of them is going through a difficult time, they call and lean on the other one and vice versa.

So just recently, this particular girl got out of a long-term relationship. He basically told her that he liked her and was curious if she’d like to date and she says, “I’m not ready for a relationship. We can be friends.” So he wasn’t diminished. He didn’t get upset. He actually handled himself pretty well, as you’ll see when we go through this, because what’s worked to his advantage, he’s gotten to know her for many years. He was a challenge. He was unattainable because he had a girlfriend and vice versa.

So there was always this tension, and over time they could get to know each other, but they couldn’t really be together. However, now that they’re both single at the same time, he ended up hanging out with her in the weekend they ended up hooking up. Now things are progressing. They spent the weekend together and were hooking up all weekend like rabbits. So he’s pretty excited, but he obviously remembers what she said about, “Hey, I’m not looking for a relationship.” So he’s like, “What do I do from here?”

Well, first and foremost, I would say to him, obviously I’ll get get to through his email, but you need to read the book. It’s free if you just put your name and your email address, create a password on the website, create account, and 3% Man will open up right in your web browser. So I highly encourage you to start reading that, but again, this guy’s got a lot of things going for him because again, he was always kind of a challenge because they were neither one of them were really available other than a brief time when they were in college until now.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m a fairly new member of the channel (about three weeks now). I haven’t read the book yet…

Come on, man! You got to get to it. It’s free to read, dude. Especially any other new guys and you’re like, “Who does this fucking shaved head guy know about women? I’ve forgotten more than he knows.” The book is free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. I promise you, if you read it and you apply it, you’re going to get better results than you were getting on your own.

…But I’ve really enjoyed your videos and appreciate the practical advice you give. I’d love to hear your perspective on my situation. (26M & 25F)

I’ve been friends with this woman for about five years. We met early in college and connected almost instantly. We studied together, spent time before and after classes, and talked about just about everything. Being around her always felt natural, and it still does. Early on, we became physically intimate, but we never had sex.

So he probably liked being around her, wasn’t super into her, and he had a take it or leave it kind of attitude. It’s like he says, his interest kind of crept up recently, and that’s when he vomited his feelings or that he was interested in dating her.

Over the years, we both dated other people and were in relationships, but we always stayed in touch. We weren’t as close as we were in college, but we’d check in with each other every so often. Whenever one of us was going through something difficult, the other was usually there. That pattern continued throughout those five years.

Fast forward to the present: She recently got out of a three-year relationship, and I recently lost an important family member. Like old times, we leaned on each other for support. Over the last month, we’ve grown much closer, and I realized the feelings I had for her had developed into something more. She’s genuinely an amazing person, and I always feel good when I’m around her.

Well, that’s important.

This is where I made a mistake. Instead of continuing to enjoy what we had naturally, I let my emotions get the better of me and called her. I told her I liked her and asked how she felt about the possibility of us dating.

Well, in this case, it would have been just easier just to continue inviting her to hang out and do things with you, go and grab drinks, you go and grab dinner. I mean, just take her on a date, the process that it’s in the book. When you see she’s playing with her hair and touching your arm, you can use the kiss test, and if the kiss test shows that she’s looking at your lips and thinking about kissing you, then you kiss her and then you just easily escalate from there, ultimately back to the bedroom. You’re able to get away with this because again, you known each other for five years, so it’s not like you guys just swiped each other on a Tinder date last week.

She told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship but that she wanted to remain friends. Of course looking back, I know this was the wrong move. 

So again, if she says something like that, just say, “Why not friends with benefits? Why don’t we try that and see how that works?” That should always be the comeback because you want to direct it back to romance, but at the end of the day, he still gets to the promised land.

About a week after that conversation, we had a chance to hang out, we had a great time, and ended up sleeping together for the first time.

See? There you go. Just hang out, have fun, and hook up. Very simple, easy formula. In this case, the pickup is really kind of already been done. You’ve got to know each other on a personal level for many years, and now you’re just taking the next step for being sexually intimate. So it’s very natural and very easy this way.

Fast forward two weeks later, we went on a weekend trip to New York City with some of my friends.

Well, I personally would not be involved in other people and inviting her on group trips. You don’t do that until she’s head over heels in love with you and wants to be exclusive, because in this case, you guys obviously know each other. I assume probably she knows some of your friends as well, so maybe she was comfortable with them, but if you think about it, the average girl that’s in this situation, she just broke up with a guy, especially if you got mutual friends, she doesn’t want stuff getting back to her boyfriend, “Oh, guess who was dating so-and-so?”

In that kind of a case, say there was something like that where maybe you or some of your friends knew this other guy that she had been dating previously, and if she’s concerned about the information getting back to him that she’s with you, even though you’re hooking up and she’s all over you when there’s other people around, she might be a little different. It’s just something to consider, but it doesn’t seem like that was really an issue in this case.

They actually encouraged me to invite her, and she seemed genuinely excited to come. The trip was incredible. She was very affectionate the entire weekend…

So I’m assuming that everybody kind of knew her so she would probably feel uncomfortable, but under normal circumstances, I would not recommend that. Especially if you’re going with like her friends and you don’t know them and there’s dudes, probably one of them has always had the hots for her, and that’s if like you guys just met, but in this case, because you got five years, I would assume he’s known her for longer than she knew the last boyfriend. So what he’s got going, which most guys don’t in this situation, is he’s got time with her. He’s got five years of friendship, knowing each other, seeing him with other girls, and vice versa.

…Holding my hand, rubbing my leg, cuddling, and showing a lot of physical affection, especially when we were alone.

So you notice like what I was just saying. She’s not as affectionate around everybody else as she is when it’s just the two of you one-on-one.

So again, think about that, because if you’ve got a lot of people that know her, especially if they know her boyfriend, just be cognizant of that. Until she’s in love with you and she asks you to be her boyfriend, I would be careful with who you bring her around because if there’s somebody that she knows, knows her boyfriend, and she’s worried about stuff getting back to her ex-boyfriend, she’s worried about stuff getting back, you just don’t want to cause unnecessary problems or unnecessary drama. You’re trying to be like James Bond, but again, this is a little bit of a special case.

So the normal protocol that’s outlined in the book doesn’t really apply as much, but again, you want to be aware of it. So obviously this group of people, it seems like it was cool, but again you notice she’s not as affectionate around them as she is with just you and her. Now, if you guys are in love with each other and been together a long time, she’s not going to care. So again, just keep that in mind.

We also slept together multiple times during the trip. Afterward, she even hinted that it probably wouldn’t be the last time we slept together.

So her interest, obviously romantic interest is going up. The other thing you got to keep in mind is even though you guys have known each other for five years, she is on the rebound technically. So you should expect hot and cold behavior, and it also depends on how much you cared about the guy that she was with. Did he dump her or did she dump him? If she dumped him, more than likely, he probably didn’t like getting dumped. So I would have to assume that he’s still kind of in the background.

So it’s important that you maintain and do things that are attractive, I would say for the time being, as you’re trying to pull her in romantically. Stop with divulging all of the bad things that are going on in your life and leaning on her like a therapist. I just would save those things until after you guys are in an exclusive relationship and she’s goo-goo gaga, because you want to have your game as tight as possible, especially again, because she just got out of a breakup. So you could end up spending a lot of time together in the coming weeks and then you’ll notice a pullback. Especially if the other guy is in the background, if you start pursuing her and freaking out about it, you’ll actually drive her back into his arms despite the fact you guys have known each other for five years. So again, those are just things to be aware of.

So women that just had a breakup, you got to let them come to you at their pace. It’s important that she does most of the reaching out, and I would say once a week, if you haven’t heard from her, reach out, try to arrange the next date, the next get together, and because you guys are so comfortable, if she reaches out, you don’t have to go out on official dates. You can just invite her over, hang out, have fun, and hook up. She reaches out like the book says, assume she wants to see you. Create the next get together, and then if you don’t hear from her for two or three days, that should be expected. Don’t freak out about it. Just re-engage. Ask her for the next date and then get off the phone.

The whole weekend honestly felt a lot like we were in a relationship.

So remember she said, “I’m not looking for a relationship.” So what that basically means is, “Slow down. I know you like me,” and obviously she likes you too, but you got to let her come to you at her pace. As the book says, your job really is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun, and hook up. That’s what you’re doing, because if you start pressuring her for a relationship or saying, “Oh yeah, it seems like we’re in a relationship,” that can cause her to freak out a little bit and withdraw. So just don’t do it.

When you hear from her, “Hey, you! It’s good to hear from you!” Create the next get together. Invite her over. If it’s like 9:00, 10:00 at night, just say, “Come over.” Again, you guys got so much history together. So when you’re not talking and then she reaches out, make the next date when she does or just invite her over because that’s also a date. What is a date, really? It’s an opportunity for sex to happen, but at least once a week you should go out and do something fun together.

Even my friends commented that we looked like a couple.

My question is, what should my next steps be? 

It should be exactly like what you’re doing now. Like I said in this case, I would only reach out to her once a week, and if she’s already contacting you two or three times a week, FaceTiming, calling, sending you memes or whatever that’s called, that’s considered contact initiation. So in that case, I just make the next date or invite her over or invite her to get together and hang out, have fun, and hook up. You don’t need to focus on a relationship when she’s ready and she’s gushing over you and she falls in love with you, which again, the chapter, It’s All In The Numbers, in the book will show you in detail the actions that she will do that will let you know that she’s really in love with you. Then you’ll be a couple because she’ll be the one bringing it up.

So create the opportunity for sex to happen. Then when she leaves, “OK, call me later. Had a great time.” Just let her come to you at her pace. It’s really super important where the girl had just had a breakup to let her come to you and not to pressure her. Don’t be talking about a relationship. Especially if she backs away, don’t freak out about it. Just understand that is, especially in a woman in this situation, it’s to be expected. Women are like cats, after all.

I don’t want to come across as needy or push for something she’s already said she isn’t ready for.

Again, that’s why your job is just to make the opportunity for sex happen. That’s it. That’s what a date is. You make the dates happen, and when she’s ready, she’ll bring up closeness, intimacy, boyfriend/girlfriend, labels, going Facebook official, and all that good stuff. So that takes all the pressure off you.

Again, if she’s already reaching out a few times a week, you don’t even have to really pursue. Just assume she wants to see you. Either make a date or invite her over and make dinner at your house. Hang out, Netflix and chill, naked Twister, naked pool, she can play pocket pool with you. Figure it out.

At the same time, I’d like to continue seeing her and keep things progressing naturally, including continuing our physical relationship.

Well, dude, I mean honestly, without having read the book, you’re already doing great, but as I explained at the beginning of the video, that’s why a lot of the stuff that’s laid out in the book that you should do, it doesn’t really apply to your situation because again, you known each other for five years. Since she just had a breakup, it’s like she’s replacing the intimacy she had with him, with you, but keep in mind, if you pressure her in any way, she’s going to bounce, withdraw, or reiterate that she’s not looking for a relationship. If she throws that in your face again, just say, “Hey, I understand. I heard you the first time, but you know, we know each other five years. I really love hanging out with you. We’ll just take it day by day. I’m not pressuring you. I don’t need a commitment or anything. I just love hanging out. I love seeing you, beating up your pelvis, causing you to make all those funny squeaky noises that you make in the bedroom.”

I also realize I may be reading too much into an amazing weekend, but her actions seemed very different from her words.

Remember, she is on the rebound, and women on the rebound will display hot and cold behavior. Again, read the book. When you’re not talking to her or seeing her, be reading the book.

What do you make of that, and how would you recommend I approach this situation moving forward?

Thanks in advance,

Bob

Well, women are full of contradictions. Remember she said she wasn’t looking for a relationship, but she sure liked having sex with you. So casual dating and hooking up is what ultimately leads to a relationship. That’s how all relationships start. You meet, you start hanging out, You have fun, you enjoy the conversation, things get physical, sex happens, and then it’s just kind of a rinse, recycle, repeat of dates that basically lead to sex at her place or yours. It’s usually when you get a few weeks in and you start hooking up, the woman starts reaching out a couple times a week, and at that point, you don’t really have to initiate contact anymore. It actually becomes counterproductive, especially in a case like this.

So that’s why I was saying if she’s reaching out two to three times a week already, I wouldn’t reach out any more on your part, because this way, if you do reach out more, you might notice that you’ll go from two to three times a week, reaching out to one or none. So if you notice that she’s reaching out, not at all or none, then that means you’ve actually started over-pursuing when she backed off.

The important thing to understand is women have to have time and space away from you, to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, and for their feelings to develop. So don’t get freaked out when when she backs away or she seems a little distant. Your job is just to create the opportunity for sex to happen, and as she feels comfortable, as she starts to get over him, the other guy and her feelings for you start to grow, she’ll be stuck to you like white on rice. It’ll be a natural progression. As you go through the book, you’ll really see that, but I have to say good job, dude, with the fact that you’ve been following me for three weeks and you’re already progressing things pretty good with this girl. So send us an email in a month or so. Let us know how things have progressed.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.

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