How To Get Her To Respect You & Your Time Again

How to get your girl to respect you and your time again after she takes you for granted.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an update to a viewer’s email who I answered in a previous newsletter titled, “She Has No Enthusiasm To See, Touch or Be Close To Me.” He is temporarily long distance from his girlfriend for the next year, and she has been cold and distant, even when they are in person.

He shares some updates about her pursuing more, but she still is not super enthusiastic to see him on virtual dates. She dresses up and looks good to go out with friends, but for him she dresses like a bum for a video date. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This guy has just been too nice, pursued too much, and basically gave all the power away in the relationship. And he was ignoring the fact that she just had a total lack of enthusiasm for him. This is a common thing, so what’s going on here? In this particular case, she’s just not excited to see him or spend time with him. And so, in the last video newsletter, I told him to back off because the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And when somebody constantly takes your attention for granted, stop giving it to them until they start to miss it, and start to make more of an effort, and appreciate you. Because scarcity creates value. And so, when you’re giving somebody a lot of your time and attention and they’re not appreciating it, you’ve got to reduce it and match and mirror their actions. That was a big part of what he wasn’t doing.

Since that video newsletter, he says he’s gone through 3% Man an additional two times, and she’s doing almost all 90-100% of the texting, calling, pursuing now, getting closer to where it needs to be. He was just there visiting her a week or two ago, or whenever it was. But he tried to set up a video date for this week, and he’s like, “Hey, let’s get dressed up and treat it like a real date,” and she just basically said, “I’m going to be in my sweatpants, because I’ve got this going on.” The bottom line is it’s obvious that he’s really not that important to her, he’s not a priority, and her interest is really low. Her interest on a scale of 1 to 10, it’s maybe a six out of ten. And so when it’s a six out of ten, she’s just not going to make much of an effort to go out of her way to seek his attention and validation, because right now she’s just not valuing it very much.

And so, for guys that are in this situation that have been too nice, they’ve been too soft, been too much of a beta male, not standing up for themselves, acting like a doormat – they may have overpursued and come off as needy and insecure – it’s like, how do you come back from that? How do you come back from her just really not caring very much, to her falling totally head over heels in love with you. Because it takes time for a woman to fall in love. It takes time for her to fall out of love. And it’s also going to take time for her to fall back in love. So, this is a process that this guy is in, trying to re-attract her and get her to the point where when he invites her for a date, she dresses up and she looks really good, instead of just looking like a bum and not really caring.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

Hope you are doing well. I appreciate the response to my email in the video you made just this past week about not being a priority. I needed that ball-busting.

Well, I’m not I’m not one of those touchy feely, squishy kind of coaches. I’m the type of guy that will come right out and tell you when you’re doing something wrong, or you’re acting weak, or like a beta male, or like a pussy, because that’s what men need. Masculine energy grows through challenge. Anybody that’s played any kind of sports, football, anything like that, the coaches are pretty harsh. Especially you guys that are in the military, the people that are above you, they’re pretty harsh. They use a lot, a lot of F-bombs, a lot of curse words, a lot of yelling, and that’s just part of it. And guys respond to that.

The other reason why I do that is it’s what’s called a pattern interrupt. So, if everybody in their nice language is like, “Oh, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be,” then I come along, I’m like, “No, dude, you’re being a beta male, you’re being a pussy. You need to man up, you need to do this, you need to do that.” That’s what they need to hear, because everybody’s coddling them and, obviously, it’s not working. That’s why they’re here in the first place. People don’t come to me because things are going well. People come to me because something’s going really sideways in their personal or their professional life.

Since that email, I have read your book another 2 times, which puts me at 6 times now, and I’m halfway through it a 7th time and can see where I’ve been screwing up the sexual polarity between us and being too soft.

Yeah, just being too nice, too soft, not willing to stand up for himself. When she pushes him around, or wants to jerk him around, or waste his time, he goes along with it. And she knows what she’s doing is inappropriate, but because he’s become so soft, he allows her to get away with it, therefore, she doesn’t respect him. And since she doesn’t respect him, she doesn’t respect his time, she treats it almost like an afterthought, because she’s got all the power.

Women don’t want the power in a relationship. And if you ask a group of women together, you’ll hear a lot of “it’s got to be 50/50.” It’s like, no, it doesn’t. Not at all. Women don’t want the power in a relationship, and they resent it when you make them the leader, because it forces them to be in their masculine, which is not their natural essence. They want to be in their feminine essence. Feminine energy is chaos, after all. And if you abdicate the leadership role in your relationship to your woman who’s very feminine, you’re going to have chaos in your life. Masculinity provides the container for that chaos to be joy and fun, for her to get happy, to get sad, to get upset, to cry, to get emotional, and you’re unperturbed.

I’m now back in Boston and my girlfriend is in Gainesville, Florida, and I’m letting her do 90-100% of the texting, calling and pursuing.

I’d say it should be more like 95 or 100%, especially when she’s just not really valuing your time. In other words, she’s not really willing to inconvenience herself. If what you want to do and what she wants to do doesn’t match up with other things she’s got going on, she’ll tend to put you as the second or third priority in her life, and it’s just indicative of how she feels about you. It doesn’t matter what a good guy you are or what a good dude is.

This guy is obviously a good guy, but because he’s been so soft and he’s let her push and jerk him around, she doesn’t feel safe trusting his leadership. Therefore, she doesn’t respect him. And women can’t love a man they don’t respect, so you can’t act like a doormat, you can’t be soft. You can’t be jumping through your butt to please her and accommodate her, yet allow her to just get away with treating you like an afterthought.

Again, you’ve got to remember, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. You’re looking for enthusiasm. You’re looking for, “Oh, hell yeah, I’d love to spend time with you! Hell yeah, I’d love to go on a date with you.” In this case, “Hell yeah. I’d love to have a Skype video date! That’d be wonderful to catch up. I miss you.” That’s what you want to see. You don’t want to see her going, “Oh, it’s kind of an inconvenience. Well, maybe. That’ll probably work.” When you hear things like that, that’s a lack of enthusiasm. You’re not really that important to her when she talks that way about you or to you.

When she reached out to me yesterday, I told her, “It’s great to hear from you babe. I’m catching up on a lot of work, but I’d love if you gave me a call around 8:30 pm tonight before bed.”

Well, again, do you see what’s wrong with that statement? If you’re supposed to be the leader, if you’re a salesman in a car dealership, and somebody calls in to inquire about one of your vehicles that you have for sale, what are you going to do? “Hey, when are you available to come in and take a test drive?” You’re making the appointment, you’re the leader. And so, here he is, once again, abdicating, putting it right back in her lap, “Hey, why don’t you be the man here,” and telling her to call him. I would have said, “Hey, I can call you around 8:30.” Because when you do that, when you put her in the leadership role, what do you do? You open yourself up to get jerked around, because you weren’t direct and you weren’t decisive.

And this is a big part of this guy’s problem. He’s too soft. He leaves things up in the air. He puts her in the leadership position, and then waits to be told what to do, like a good little boy. He’s treating her like his mommy, in essence, when instead, he should be the leader. If you’re busy and you’re catching up on work, just say, “Hey, I’ll give you a call around 8:30, when I get finished.” And then she’s waiting on your call.

Whereas, if you tell her, “call me at 8:30 tonight,” now you’re wondering, “is she going to call?” Nine times out of ten, when you do that with a woman, she’s not going to call you at 8:30, unless she’s super in love and respects you. But when it’s like this and you abdicate leadership, again, when it comes to setting a date, you’re opening yourself up to get jerked around, because you’re just basically saying your time is not that valuable. And so, notice what happens next. Again, he keeps trying to make her the man, instead of leading things, setting the appointment and making things happen.

I set aside an hour from 8:30 to 9:30 for her…

What a shock.

…but she texted me at 9:33 pm asking if she could call soon.

This is why you take leadership. Because masculine energy is purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, having standards, making things happen. Feminine energy is chaos. And so, when you say, “Hey, give me a call around 8:30,” what happens? She calls after the window that he has set aside for this. So, he allowed chaos to be in control of his relationship once again. And what happens, 9:33: “Hey, can I call you soon?” Not, “Hey, I’m going to call you right now. Hey, can I call you soon?” In other words, “I’m going to waste some more of your time, and then I may call you around 10:00.”

So, if he’s one of these guys, he’s got to get up really early, now he’s abdicated leadership, and now he’s sitting around waiting on his girl. What do you think that does to his emotions? That’s not good. Whereas, if he just said, “Hey, I’ll call you at 8:30,” he would have been in control, he would have been the leader. He would have been in his masculine energy, and she would have been waiting for him to reach out. But he didn’t do that. He, once again, made her the man. This is subtle, but these communicate a lot. And this is his problem here. He keeps opening himself up to get jerked around.

I told her, “I’m about to shower and hang with my roommate, baby…”

He kind of lays it on a little thick here, a little too thick in the text exchange. I’d be curious to see his text exchange with hers, if she’s using all of these pet names. You want to be matching and mirroring the actions. And so, if she’s not using any of those pet names with you, you’re not going to use them with her. Instead, he’s still kind of drooling all over her.

“…but I’d love to see your beautiful face on FaceTime either tomorrow or Sunday evening.” After not talking much today, she called me after she went ‘roaming the neighborhood’ to play trivia with some friends of ours, (which she got dressed up for), and I tried to set a definite date with her for Sunday but ran into some resistance since I’ve been weak in the past.

So, the fact that she’s calling and she’s reaching out, this is why when you say, “Hey, do you want to go on a date?” and she’s like, “Eh,” you don’t want to be in a rush to talk to somebody and set aside a bunch of time if they just really don’t care or value it. You want to match and mirror those actions.

I asked if she wanted to have a virtual dinner date Sunday at 7:30 pm, and she told me, “I want to sleep in Sunday then go to the barn (to see her horse), but the evening should work.”

“The evening should work, but hey, if something comes up that sounds like more fun than talking to you, I’m definitely going to do that.” That’s why she says, “Oh, but the evening should work.” Does that sound like somebody that really thinks that this dude’s a priority to her? Of course not. He’s kind of like an afterthought.

Because, again, if you don’t respect or value your self or your time, nobody else will either. And when you put her in a leadership role and you tell her to call you around 8:30, then you’re sitting there for an hour and a half, “Is she going to call? What’s going on?” that’s not good for your emotions. And it doesn’t feel natural, it doesn’t feel right.

Whereas, if you just picked up the phone and called her at 8:30 and told her that’s what you were going to do in the first place, you could have had your conversation, and then got off the phone, and then gone to bed with a peace of mind. But instead, you gave up the leadership role to chaos. And what happens? Chaos ensues, and stuff that’s not good for your emotions as a man.

It’s hard to concentrate on your work when you’re worried about losing your girl. You’re going to be in a fearful state. You’re going to do your best work when you’re relaxed. And things like this, behaving this way, interfere with a man’s ability to be relaxed and calm. And when you’re not calm, it makes her not calm.

I then told her, “I’d prefer a definitive time and for us to dress up a bit for it to mimic a real date.”

But again, you can say, “Oh, I’ve got to sleep in.” So, sleeping in is more fun than talking to her boyfriend.

She then replied “I’m going to be wearing sweatpants and look comfy. I’m not dressing up the day after a rowing race. I hope you’d respect that.”

Does that sound like somebody that really values him and is really happy that he’s her boyfriend? No, the attitude is like, “Do I really want to make time for this guy? I’ve got a rowing thing the day before. Oh, I’m not going to get dressed up because 48 hours before that, I had an event. I’m just going to be in sweatpants.” Does this sound like a guy she’s trying to impress or attract, or a guy that she’s potentially worried about losing to another woman? No. This is a woman that doesn’t really seem to care one way or another, because she knows she’s got him wrapped around her finger. And he’s constantly doing things to do it. Just like when he told her to call him, instead of him calling her and running things.

I told her I understood, instead of standing my ground to her scare tactic test and undergoing the typical ‘maybe’ response protocol, because I knew that I wouldn’t have time this week to reschedule due to my busy work schedule.

Should I have held my ground and replied, “It seems like Sunday evening isn’t the best time for you. Let’s reschedule for a time that would work better” instead? I feel like she doesn’t respect my time, because I haven’t been respecting my own time lately, and would like your thoughts on how to reverse that.

I appreciate it,

Bob

You’re wanting to get dressed up and mimic a real date, and she’s like, “Yeah, I’m going to be wearing sweatpants and look comfy and basically be a bum.” When she doesn’t do that, like when she’s doing things with her friends, she gets dressed up for them, but she ain’t getting dressed up for him. It just shows where you are on her list of priorities, and you’re obviously not very high.

And so, you’re wanting to get all dressed up, and she’s like, “Eh.” You’re like, “Hey, let’s do a video date and let’s get dressed up, because we care about one another, and we want to look good for each other.” And instead, she’s like, “Hey, I’m going to be in sweatpants. I’ve got this thing a whole 24 to 48 hours before we’re going to have a date virtually. I don’t really want to get dressed up. I’m just going to wear sweatpants and be a bum, probably not putting any makeup on,” because she doesn’t care. That’s where she’s at.

So, you get that kind of response, and what you’re looking for is “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you. Oh, that sounds wonderful. We’ll get all dressed. Oh, I got a new dress, I can’t wait to show you.” You’d want to hear something like that. Instead, she’s like, “Yeah, I’m wearing sweatpants, bro. You’re just not that important to me.” She didn’t say it, but she didn’t have to. And so, when you get that kind of response, what would I say in return is, “Well, if you you’ve got a busy weekend, why don’t we just try to get together the following weekend, if Sunday doesn’t work for you,” and just see what she says.

You want to do the takeaway. So, in other words, if she’s like, “Eh,” then you’re like, “Hey, well, if Sunday doesn’t work, why don’t we shoot for the following weekend.” Put it a week off in the future. Make her wait a whole week to talk to you. Because she’s not that excited to talk to you this Sunday, so why not just put the date off a week in the future? Because he’s desperate to talk to her, because he’s afraid to do that. He’s afraid to back off that much.

But you have to be honest and look at the fact that you want to have a date with your girlfriend, and get all dressed up, and do something nice, because you want to show each other that you care, and you’re both important to each other. Instead, she’s like, “I’m going to be a bum, because you’re not important to me.” And you’re like, “Yeah, I don’t really want to get all dressed up and look good, and then there’s my girlfriend looking like a bum and not really caring. And the conversation is kind of stale. She’s kind of monotone. It’s like, I don’t want to do that.”

I would just say, “Well, why don’t you just sleep in Sunday or take Sunday as a rest day, and why don’t we shoot for next weekend?” And just leave it up in the air like that. And you’ll know real quick if she says, “Oh, I really want to see you Sunday.” Then you can be like, “Great. Then get dressed up and look good for me. Look good for your man.” I’d respond that way, in a playful manner. You want to see that she’ll submit and go along with the things that you want. And so, the correct response is to do the takeaway. The correct response is, “Yeah, there’s no enthusiasm. So, if there’s no enthusiasm for her to see me and get dressed up, then we can wait a whole other week to plan that date.”

So, that’s what I would have done. I wouldn’t have handled it that way, but again, you can see he’s still in a fearful state. He still doesn’t feel secure. He doesn’t feel comfortable. You can just imagine what’s going through this guy’s mind all day long as he’s working. It’s hard to focus on your work when you’re wondering, “Is my relationship going to work out, or not? Am I going to lose my girlfriend? Is she just not interested? Is this salvageable?” He’s constantly doing things where he has to put himself in a position where he’s waiting on her.

So, that’s what I would have done differently. But it’s like, you see these little, subtle things, they communicate a lot about how much you respect and value your time, and women are just simply going to match and mirror that back to you. If you don’t respect and value your time, she’s not either.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.