How To Get Her To Start Chasing You After A Breakup

How to turn things around after getting complacent & dumped so she chases you again.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a student who got lazy and complacent in his four-year relationship. He got dumped and went no-contact. They own a house together and he shares how using no contact, humor, banter and playfulness has led to her slowly starting to chase and seduce him again.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a student who admits he got lazy, he got complacent in his four-year relationship and he got dumped and went no-contact. Only a few months after they, I guess, basically bought a house, moved in together, and then things just kind of blew apart. So they’re in the process of trying to sell their house and move on. However, he’s gotten back into my work and reading the book again, starting to follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. So he writes in. He’s using no-contact, humor, banter and playfulness. So she’s slowly starting to reengage, chase him again, hang out and seduce, even though they’re still moving towards disposing of this piece of property that they have.

So it’s a good email because this guy kind of turned his ship around a little bit, he’s starting to re-attract his ex, is cleaning up his game and getting back to the basic fundamentals that are in the book. So for you guys that are in a situation that is similar, you’re trying to re-attract an ex, usually most of the time guys screw up, drive them away and then they want to get them back. So it’s a good email where guys are like right in the middle and things are starting to move back in his favor. Or I should say, the odds are ever in his favor.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I just wanted to say thanks for the work you’ve put out over the years. I’ve followed your material for a long time.

It helped me massively through a previous breakup about six years ago, and even though that relationship didn’t come back, I got myself back and even got my dream job of becoming a firefighter in England.

This year I made the classic mistake: I got complacent. I’d been with my girlfriend for four years, we moved into a house together in July, and I didn’t realize how much that transition stressed her out. Instead of listening and helping her feel safe, I sometimes argued instead of understanding what she was really saying.

Yeah, one of the most important questions a man can learn to memorize and say, especially when a woman says something that doesn’t make any sense, most guys just assume or imply a meaning behind that, and 99% of the time they’re wrong. So if a woman says something to you, especially your girlfriend, your wife, your significant other, even a mother or sister, you can say, “What do you mean? I don’t understand where you’re coming from,” and make her specifically and explicitly tell you exactly where she’s coming from so you get it and you understand the meaning. If you don’t, you keep saying, “I don’t understand. What do you mean? I’m not sure. I’m not following you,” until it becomes clear, because men who understand women don’t argue with them. If a woman is bringing up a concern and you’re trying to argue, like one of the things that women commonly do is they speak in hyperbole, they tend to take little things and blow them up out of proportion.

Something simple like, she really just wants to spend more time with you and go out on dates, because lately you’ve been too focused on work or whatever, and she’ll say something like, “We never do anything together. You never take me out. You never take me anywhere,” and automatically a guy goes to a place, he says, “I just took you to dinner two weeks ago. I just took you on a long vacation a month ago. What are you talking about?” Instead of just recognizing that all she’s really saying is, “I want to spend time with you.” Then the average guy is like, “Well, why didn’t she just say that?” Because they’re women and they’re emotional. So if they’re afraid that you don’t love them, what are our two primary fears that all human beings have? Number one, we’re not enough. In other words, we don’t have what it takes. Number two, that we won’t be loved. So if a woman is fearful that you don’t love her, or you won’t love her in the future, she’s going to be fearful, she’s going to be emotional about that, and because she’s emotional, she’s going to tend to speak in hyperbole like everything’s the end of the world, “You never take me anywhere.”

So instead of saying, “I did this. I did that,” you say, “You know what? You’re right, honey. I’m sorry. I’ve been busy with work these last week or so, and you’re right. We need to go out and do something together and have some fun. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. Friday night we’re going to go out. Saturday night we’re going to do this. Sunday night we’re going to do that,” whatever. Make a date. Give her exactly what she’s complaining that she’s not getting, which is your time. Even if she’s emotional about it, just understand all she’s basically saying is, “Hey, let’s spend some more time together. I’d really like that.”

Again, you gotta understand they’re driven by their emotions. So if you get all caught up in that, freak out and start arguing, you’re just making things worse and you’re creating a problem when all it really is, is just a simple communication thing and understanding how a woman speaks and where she comes from.

Looking back, she didn’t feel heard, and that responsibility is mine.

Well, if a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. If she doesn’t, the legs close.

We broke up at the end of August. I handled the breakup well – no begging or pleading, I accepted it, wished her well, told her she could reach out if she changed her mind, and then went into no-contact.

So literally move in a month later, and they’re breaking up.

The only hiccup was that we had a pre-booked trip to Italy a week later. We still went, had an amazing time, and honestly had a ton of sex.

Well, as the book says, your job as a man in the courtship is simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun, and hook up. Whatever you make a woman feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. If you make her come like a waterfall when you get together, that’s what she’s gonna think of when she thinks about you, is coming like a waterfall.

I didn’t push emotionally afterwards, but my mum convinced me to ask for clarity once we got home…

Men don’t ask for clarity. Women do, not men.

So again, if you’re getting advice about attraction from a woman, even if it’s your mother, 99% of the time she’s telling you something that is probably the opposite of what you need to be doing.

…Which I now know was the wrong move. She got overwhelmed and pulled back again.

Yeah, the reason why, if you’re asking for clarity, what it basically says is you can’t handle the uncertainty. Part of being a man is being calm, because that is what masculinity is. If you’re calm, you’re also OK and calm when things are uncertain. Since your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, you shouldn’t be thinking about the future, getting back together or getting into a relationship, because that’s the woman’s department. So if you’re wondering where things stand, go get busy. Go do something with your friends. Go to the gym. Don’t call a girl up and go, “Hey, where are we?”

The number one strength characteristic that women love in men is confidence. If you’re reaching out to her asking for clarity, you’re basically acting like a chick. So that’s going to ruin the sexual polarity because you’re not acting masculine. You’re acting like an insecure girl. Feminine energy is chaos. Let her be the chaotic one that’s unsure of where she stands with you, because she’s going to like you a hell of a lot more if you do that. Instead, he, in essence, demanded that he get clarity of where he stands right then and there in the moment, and she wasn’t in the same place. So that’s why she backed away, says she got overwhelmed, wanted space, that kind of thing.

That’s so predictable that that is going to happen when you’re looking for clarity. I know it’s hard because it’s not easy dealing with those emotions, but that’s part of being a man, is learning to exercise self control. Even when you’re freaking out on the inside, you could be in a high stakes negotiation in the business world, and if you freak out and lose your shit, you could lose the deal or lose millions of dollars, or overpay millions of dollars more for something than you should have just because you didn’t exercise self control. So it’s extremely important to be calm. Guys that are in the military understanding combat, you got to be calm. You got to be relaxed. You got to have your wits about you. Otherwise if you’re freaking out, you’re going to get yourself killed or wounded.

I stepped back into no-contact. She reached out briefly around Halloween about picking up a parcel, which I thought might have been a soft excuse to reconnect, so I suggested she come later and we could have a drink. She ended up picking it up while I was at work and went out with a friend instead, so I backed off again and stayed centered.

Yeah, she probably did that just to see if you would freak out about it or get upset at her. You just can’t. You have to be indifferent to it. He tried to see if she was down to hang out. She clearly wasn’t. She avoided him. It didn’t bother him. He just let it be. That’s the appropriate response. That’s the masculine response.

Then she reached out warmly on my birthday (November 7th). I thanked her, kept it cool, didn’t chase, and let it be.

Recently, we’ve had two house valuations (We still co-own the place). On the first one, after the valuer left…

I assume that’s what they call an appraiser in the UK, a home valuer.

…She hung around and opened up about missing me.

Well, there’s the invitation. So what happened last time he asked her out, she went and did something anyways, came and picked up the package when he wasn’t around and now she’s saying, “Hey, I miss you.” So it was a good move on his part to not ask her out on his birthday, because the last time she reached out, he told her to come by and have a drink and she didn’t. So then she reaches out on his birthday, and what happens? He’s indifferent. He doesn’t move forward. He’s just stopped putting any effort into it. So this time she says she misses him, and if she’s telling him that she misses him, well he’s going to assume she probably wants to see him. She just said she missed you, so make a date happen.

I kept things light and fun, cracked jokes, no heavy emotion dumping – which led to her giving me “the eyes.” I said, “You’ve got to stop looking at me like that… or you’d better get over here and kiss me.” She practically launched herself at me. We ended up having passionate sex again.

You see how that is? So it’s like he overcame the freaking out he was doing before and needing clarity and being emotional. Instead, he was stoic. He was indifferent. He was mysterious. He all of a sudden stopped moving forward. She probably was wondering on his birthday like, “How come he didn’t ask me out? How come he didn’t ask me to come by?” Just a little tiny change in his behavior completely changed her attraction towards him because he showed that he was calm. He was cool. He was collected.

The second valuation was even more intense. She actually stopped at Tesco…

Tesco’s are nice. I miss Tesco’s. Anybody in the UK is familiar with Tesco, great place.

…On the way over to buy more Terry’s Chocolate Orange Baileys for us.

Chocolate orange Baileys, huh? Is that proper English chocolate?

We barely talked about the house. We had fun, listened to music, and she again mentioned missing me. I stayed relaxed, warm, and confident, no pressure, no talk about getting back together.

What’s he doing? He’s hanging out, he’s having fun and he’s hooking up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be seduced. He doesn’t say, “Let’s get back into a relationship.” He just notices she’s turned on and he seduces her.

We ended up kissing again, and eventually we went upstairs and had incredibly passionate sex. I led confidently, stayed playful, and kept my center throughout.

So you notice he’s just going a little bit slower than she is, and it’s really winding her up. She expects him to make a move and then he does nothing and it drives her crazy. She shows a little bit more interest in this case, reiterated how she missed him, and then he escalated things.

I’m staying in no-contact outside of logistical messages for the house, and she keeps making excuses to come over.

So as her interest comes up, she’s going to make more and more excuses to come over. At the end of the day, if you don’t sell the place before she falls head over heels in love, more than likely she’s going to probably want to get back together and you guys will end up moving back in your place anyways. That’s if you keep doing what you’re doing. It has to be her idea. She has to advance the ball on that. You just create the opportunity for sex to happen when she reaches out.

I’m not chasing. I’m keeping interactions fun, warm, and centered, and letting her come toward me at her own pace.

You’re doing a great job by the way, dude.

Your material genuinely made that possible. I’m back reading 3% Man properly and making sure I internalize the fundamentals instead of falling back into complacency. The results are already showing.

Thank you again for everything you put out. It genuinely changes lives, and I’m doing the work to make sure I don’t repeat the same mistakes.

Best,

Bob

Well good job, dude. Send us another email in a couple of months. Let me know, or I should say, all of us here watching this, let us know how things are going, because this is a really great email. Lots of good detail here because again, I’d say probably 80% of the dudes that come to me are in a situation like this where they got dumped and they’re hoping to get to where you’re at now, which is hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Then the next phase eventually will be when she falls head over heels in love with you. She’ll be stuck to you like white on rice, always with you, start talking about the future again, start talking about living together, family, the whole nine yards. You just have to keep hanging out, having fun and hooking up and let her come to you and not getting upset, bothered or bummed out about her ever changing emotions. So good job, dude!

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