How To Get My Ex Back After Being Extremely Needy

How to get your ex back if you’ve been extremely needy and pushed her away.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 24-year-old viewer who broke up with his girlfriend about six months ago. He says they were both very immature at the time and he was a bit overprotective of her. A week after their breakup she said she regretted everything and wanted to get back together. He says he wanted to, but it wasn’t the right time because they both needed to work on themselves.

Six months later, he reached out wanting to get back together and she said she needed time to think about it. Then he showed up at her house with a love letter and flowers. She said it was sweet, but asked him to back off because she was feeling overwhelmed. He asks if there is any chance they will get back together. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

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So this particular email, this guy, he’s 24, he broke up with his girlfriend about six months ago. He said they were both very immature at the time and he was a bit overprotective of her. So he tells me he probably was a little jealous and insecure, little needy, a little worried she was going to leave him or cheat on him or something like that. A week after the breakup, she got in touch, said she regretted everything and wanted to get back together. He says he really wanted to, but he didn’t feel it was the right time because they both needed to work on themselves, which apparently they have both done. Six months later, he just reached out to her recently saying, “Hey, I’ve done a lot of work myself, really like to meet up,” and she was kind of surprised to hear from him because they basically hadn’t spoken since she tried to get him back six months ago. Then she’s like, “Well, I got to think about it. This is surprising. I didn’t expect to hear from you.” Then he got really needy, desperate, kind of freaked out and he went and bought her some flowers, showed up at her house unannounced, gave her a love letter, gave her flowers because he’s like, “Well, that’s what I always used to do when we were together.” Yeah, but you’re not in a relationship anymore and she hasn’t heard from you in six months and you just show up at the door basically wanting to go from being single to now being an exclusive relationship.

There is a process to reading what’s in the book. You got to learn because he’s like, “What do I do?” You got to read the book, you got to learn the fundamentals and you should also be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You’ve got to focus on the little things. You got to learn the material, you got to spend time with it, because showing up at your ex-girlfriend’s doorstep after six months basically of not even speaking, expecting her to jump into a relationship with you is absurd and ridiculous. It’s just like a guy that goes out on a first date, shows up with flowers and a love letter, and wants to be exclusive and move in. The girl’s going to be like, “What? You don’t even know me. This is ridiculous.” It takes time for women to fall in love. It takes time for them to fall out of love, and it takes time for them to fall back in love.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

So me (24, Male) and my girlfriend (22, Female) broke up about six months ago after almost two years of dating. The reasons at that time were mostly that we were both very immature, I was a bit overprotective of her, and she was very emotional. The last time I saw her was one week after breaking up, when she said she regretted everything and wanted to get back together. Even though I wanted to give her another chance, I knew it wasn’t the right time, since we still needed so much individual work. Went no contact for six months and I’ve missed her every single day since then.

Last week, I finally built up the courage and asked her if she would like to go get coffee together. It was awkward at first but then we talked about so much stuff…

He doesn’t say who did the dumping. Maybe she dumped him and then won her back, or maybe he dumped her and he said no, but it’s six months later. Obviously nothing’s happened. He hasn’t met anybody else.

Oftentimes what I see in these situations is a guy who thinks, “I’m going to just find somebody better suited for me,” and then when that doesn’t happen, they freak out and want to go back to what they had before because they’re trying to settle. So if that’s what’s going on, you definitely should not be doing that because it’s not fair to her. Don’t waste her time or get her hopes back up, or get her to fall in love only to 90 days later go, “Yeah, I’m just not feeling it,” and then break her heart all over again because that’s a shitty thing to do.

Guys that are fucking weak just don’t do that. Women don’t deserve that, and quite frankly, all you’re doing is keeping both of you from your ideal partners or the next great love of your life, if you will. You got to be man enough to let go of the past and move on if it wasn’t the right fit. The fact that you let her go after six whole months tells me you probably didn’t really care that much, especially if she comes to you a week later and wants to get back together. You’re like, “Yeah, we need to work on ourselves.” You don’t blow off somebody that you’re head over heels in love with for six months or refuse to get back together.

So what it looks like, maybe I’m wrong, but what it looks like is he didn’t find anybody else in the past six months, and now he’s desperate to get back what he had, which he wasn’t really into in the first place, and that’s not cool.

…We both apologized and it is clear that we’ve grown so much. We’ve both been to therapy and worked on being better individuals overall. I asked her if she thinks there’s any chance of us getting back together now that we’re both in good places in life. She said she was surprised by this and asked for time to think things through as she’s been busy with college (She’s graduating this semester).

Yeah, it’s just overwhelming to go right back into, “Hey, let’s be in a relationship after not speaking for six months.” It’s inappropriate. You’re putting the cart before the horse. This guy must be probably new to my work, or he’s just been cherry picking videos and not taking it seriously. Definitely doesn’t sound like a guy that’s read the book. You really would have to treat it just like you’re starting a courtship all over again. So you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

This is where I made a mistake out of desperation. The next day, I drove to her place with flowers and a love letter because she used to love these romantic details when we were together.

Yeah, but you’re not together. It has the same effect of showing up with flowers and a love letter for a first date. It’s totally inappropriate and it’s giving off the vibe that you’re way more into her than she is into you and you’re smothering her. Remember, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” as Thich Nhat Hanh used to say.

When they meet, she’s like, “I need some time to think about it,” then you show up the next day with flowers, what do you think she’s going to say? That’s going to go over like a lead fucking balloon. Don’t do that. That’s not what I teach.

She said it was very thoughtful but asked to please take a step back as she felt rushed and overwhelmed.

Is there any chance for me to ever get her back?

Bob

Well, she knows you want her back. You showed up with flowers and a love letter. You went to coffee. Now the next step is you’re following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. That means you’re not going to meet her out, you’re not going to pick her up. Invite her over to your place in the evening to make dinner together, but don’t ever call or text her again for any reason.

You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. You’ve made your intentions clear, obviously you gave her this love letter, now you just need to back the fuck off and do nothing, and one of two things will happen. Either nothing and you’ll never, ever hear from her again, or she’ll reach back out. If she does reach back out, invite her over to make dinner together. If she reaches back out and tries to say, “Well, I’ve thought about it and we can be friends, but I don’t want to date or be in a romantic relationship,” if that happens, you say, “Well, I can’t just be your friend. Obviously you read the love letter. You saw my flowers. We had two years together. I’m not interested in just being friends, but I want you. I’d like to date. Let’s have a date. If you change your mind, get in touch.”

You should be following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back at this point, which is an article and video I did many years ago, and it has all of the objections in there, what to do. It has all the logistics, everything you need to follow and you need to watch that video and read through that article probably 10 to 15 times, so you’re prepared to handle any objections that she may throw at you when you’re on the phone or you’re texting or whatever. That is important because if you keep calling and you keep texting after she said, “Give me some time to think about it,” that’s being extremely needy. It shows a complete lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities and what you bring to the table. It’s approval seeking behavior. It’s acting like a chick. It’s totally unattractive. That’s why you got a negative reaction from her.

You have to have the self-confidence to just you communicated your interest and then you wait to hear from her. She says, “I need space and time,” you must give that to her, because if you don’t, she’s not going to feel free. She’s going to feel smothered, and she’s just going to push you away and say, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m not interested.” If you keep chasing after her, she’ll probably ghost you, block you or worse. If you really become obnoxious, she’ll get a restraining order against you, so don’t do that. You’ve done everything you can. There’s nothing else to do now. The ball is in her court. You shot two balls over the net in the game of tennis, the romantic tennis game, and she didn’t hit either one of them back. She just says, “I need to think about it.” It’s like, “OK.”

So what you need to do, take what’s in the book, start meeting and dating other women, assume it’s over, you’ll probably never hear from her again. I mean, it was a whole six months that went by. Maybe she’s dating somebody else. You don’t really know. Maybe it’s not too far along, but typically when a woman says, “I need to think about it,” usually it means no. So if you keep chasing and keep pursuing, it’ll be a, “Hell no.” So if you just disappear, she thinks about it, any other guy she may be talking to, what will happen is then she will start testing the shit out of them and backing away from them. You had two years with her, so you had a lot more time with her than anybody else that she may have been talking to, hooking up with or dating in the last six months.

You just need to move on with your life and start meeting and dating other women and applying what’s in the book so you can get better, so if she does reach out, you’re cockier, you have a little bit more swagger. You’re not going to be so overeager, needy and tend to smother and chase her. Then when that happens, you just got to let her come to you at her pace. Again, it’s all laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, so you should be following that script. Showing up with flowers and a love letter if you haven’t talked in six months, that’s fucking ridiculous and absurd. It’s cute in movies, but this is what happens in the real world when you do this: “I’m rushed and overwhelmed. Please back the fuck off.” Got to let her be, because she knows you like her. She knows you want to see her romantically, but the ball’s in her court. It takes two people to work things out. At least as of the last time you showed up at her place, you’re the only guy willing to work on things, so there’s no deal possible, there’s no dating possible until she decides or not to hit the ball back over the net. If she does, invite her over to make dinner at your place, just like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, hang out, have fun, hook up. Stop being focused on a relationship. Stop trying to smother her. You got to give her the time and space to come to you at her pace.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.