How to handle a woman who is dating multiple men, so she chooses you over all others.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who hooked up with a girl he met online. Their first date was at her house after extensive texting. She told him their night was special. Then she later revealed she was confused, because she was seeing another guy also, and canceled their second date.
He got butt-hurt and upset, then regretted it a few days later and apologized, but the damage was done. He is hoping he gets another chance and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
These days, most guys and most people in general, men and women both, are on their digital devices all the time. And even when they’re sitting at the table eating lunch or dinner together, people are on their phones, not really communicating with one another. And so, a lot of guys, especially the younger guys, spend so much time on their digital devices, they just don’t have the confidence or the social skills to meet women in person.
They’re online because it’s easy to do, and so, they’re always on their online devices. But the downside with that is that you’re, in essence, going onto a platform where women have all the leverage. They have tons and tons of attention from guys, especially the ones that are really beautiful. They’ve just got tons of dudes, so you have to get really good at quickly dismissing who’s got it and who doesn’t.
When you have that many choices and it’s just a digital person on screen, the reality is, even if you have a good conversation with somebody, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re even going to show up for the date or even call and let you know that they’re not going to show up for the date. Because it means nothing to them, it’s just another another swipe. It’s like a video game. Even though these are people’s lives, people plan their time around, they get ready, they show up, and then they get stood up.
Less really is more, but it gets tricky when you’re trying to do online dating with somebody you haven’t met in person, you haven’t spent time talking to or creating rapport with. Because, again, you’re going into a space where she has all the leverage, and you’ve got a really small shot at getting her attention, unless you’re a really super good looking guy. So, if you’re just an average dude, being on the dating apps, because so many thirsty, lazy guys are on there, it’s going to be a lot harder than if you just meet women in person. Because, these days, if you can meet women in person and talk to them in person, you’re doing something that most of the guys are unwilling or don’t have the confidence to do.
I hope you are good. I originally started following you after a big breakup about 3 years ago. Reading your book helped me learn from my mistakes and come to terms with reality. I have read it about 7-8 times now, (I know, could do better), and over the last 3 years I have been dating, improving myself, getting in better shape, and feeling more confident.
Well, 7-8 reads in three years, that’s a half-assed effort. That’s somebody that’s not really that serious of a student. And that’s why, instead of sending me a good success story, you’re sending me an email that basically shows you still don’t understand the material and you’re not applying it properly.
You’ve got to follow instructions. Life requires your participation. It’s a participatory sport. And when I say read it 10 to 15 times, there’s a reason; you’ve got to understand the philosophy and the ebb and flow of things. Because right now, 7-8 times over three years, you’re just kind of cherry picking things and you’re trying to be lazy.
There are no shortcuts to success. You’re competing against other people in the world that are willing to outwork and outhustle you. The greatest modern day example I’ve seen, especially in professional sports, is Tom Brady. That guy was willing to do things on a level of preparation, and regimen, and his diet, and everything he did to a level that nobody else in the NFL was willing to even come close to. And that’s why he just did extraordinary things. He was more committed than everybody else. He outworked and outhustled everybody.
A couple months ago, all of a sudden, there seemed to be a lot more women interested in me. This, I believe was because I was feeling happier in my life, on purpose, and confident in myself.
The best way to improve your attractiveness is to improve the overall quality of your life and get to a place where you’re really happy and you’re really enjoying your life. Because the world is full of miserable people. Just go outside and look around and go walk around in a crowd of people. How many people are smiling? How many people are laughing and having a good time?
So, if you’re one of those rare people that’s happy and is really enjoying your life, you’re going to get noticed, especially by attractive women, because it’s so rare. That’s why, instead of looking for somebody to make you happy, get to a happy place first, and then you’ll attract somebody else who’s also happy.
Also, through dating and trying out your teachings, I have learned how to be a better man in relationships. Two of these women were of particular interest, and one of them, I really liked a lot. She was beautiful, responsible, warm, and intelligent, and we wanted the same things in life.
Or so he thought.
Because we met online, I texted her more than you recommend leading up to our date, as to build rapport, but still managed to meet up with her and have a great night.
Well, as I always say, the phone’s for setting dates, not getting to know somebody. But you were able to say enough things right, and maybe the girl was just desperate. Maybe she had been out of circulation for awhile. Maybe she had a breakup, and now she’s just getting into online dating herself. And the reality is she’s just going to get barraged by dudes. So, you could have just been the first guy that she came across or the first guy that she seemed to click with before the other horde of thirsty beta males just showed up en masse.
However, I do wonder if it might have created problems down the road by having texting be a foundation of our connection.
Well, I’ve done countless emails over the years where that’s exactly what happened.
For our date, I was originally going to take her out to dinner, but she suggested we hang out her place instead.
She was ready to get ‘turnt up.’ It could be that some guy rejected her, a boyfriend rejected her, or a breakup, you don’t really know.
That actually sounded better to me, so we did that. Right away we hit it off and were having a great time chatting on the couch. I let her do most of the talking, and pretty soon we were upstairs in her bedroom.
Obviously, she liked you. You passed the physical attraction test.
The next day, she texted saying last night felt special.
Special, “you’re so special, you’re the special one for me.” There’s Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. And I would say, because I know how this email ends, you were Mr. Right Now. But too many guys, obviously this emailer included, thought, “Hey, I’m Mr. Right!”
It was for me too. I really liked her. A couple days later, we exchanged a couple more texts and made a date for the following weekend. Here is where it went sideways. A few days before our date, she texted saying she wasn’t feeling well.
“I think I’m getting sick. I think I’m coming down with something. I know our date’s five days away, but I don’t think I’m going to make it.” So, it’s like there’s something else going on, and she’s looking for an excuse to get out of the date.
I said, “That is fine. Sorry you are sick, we can reschedule our date.” Then she said, “I don’t know if it is that I’m sick or just overwhelmed by all this new dating energy.”
The best response for that is, “What do you mean?”
Well sure enough, she canceled the date.
I’m shocked. When a woman gives you a hint that she ‘may’ have to cancel a date or ‘may’ be sick, she’s not going to show up.
I couldn’t help myself. I had to ask, “What exactly do you mean ‘all this new dating energy’?”
Good question. He was paying attention enough to get that. It’s such a great question, “What do you mean?”
Well, you probably guessed it. She had met another guy just a couple days after our ‘special’ night together. It was surprising…
It’s not surprising to me at all. She’s online, dude. It’s like, as soon as a woman gets online, there’s just thousands of dicks incoming her way. I remember, I’ve told this story a few times over the years in other videos, and this was 2008 maybe, 2009. I met this really attractive girl, she was of Russian descent. We talked to the phone like 10-15 minutes, met out, had a really good date. It might have been on Match.com, but she said that within 24 hours, she had over a hundred emails from dudes. And she got so overwhelmed, she was like, “Fuck this,” and she got off. So, I was the only dude that she met.
And this is 10, 12 years ago, before Tinder and all these other apps came along, which just exacerbated the problem. Her experience was that the guys that were sending emails, or sending multiple emails, were pissed off that she hadn’t responded. Or they saw that she had read the their email and didn’t reply, because there were over a hundred of them in a matter of hours.
In less than a day, it was over a hundred dudes emailing her, and I was the only guy that she met and she went out with. But it was interesting that she had picked me, because if you’ve ever followed the script that I put in “How To Create The Ultimate Online Dating Profile,” it’s like she read it and she’s like, “Oh, that’s me, he’s describing me.” And sure enough, when I got to know her, she was a lot like I had described.
But it was interesting to me, I just couldn’t believe the response. It was like, damn, there’s a lot of thirsty dudes. And so, that’s what the average guy is competing against. That’s why it’s so much better just to create a profile where they contact you first. Because otherwise, if you’re sending emails and you’re messaging them, they’ve got so much attention, you’re in a weak position of leverage.
So, meanwhile, he ends up having a ‘special night,’ and then she realized, “Wow, I’ve got all this power.” There are all of these other dudes that want her.
…because I thought she really liked me.
Well, she did in the moment. Women are emotional beings, but the emotions are subject to change, just like the weather is.
I thought the attraction was high. I must have texted her too much.
Or maybe she just felt confused after meeting another guy she was attracted to.
Well, she had a lot of choices, and so, she threw that out there because she doesn’t know which guy to choose. And so, then it becomes a test. Who’s the strongest guy? Who’s the most masculine guy? And women, just naturally, instinctively, will do this. Obviously, our emailer did not handle it appropriately.
She said, “But I do like you a lot, and still want to explore our connection.” I should have probably just said, “No problem, get back to me when your schedule frees up.”
I would have just said, “Well, why don’t we keep the date, and I’ll see you at such and such a day and time?”
But Instead, I got butt-hurt. I was perturbed… yeah. I basically told her that I don’t like being treated that way, and take care, nice to meet her.
“I’m taking my toys, and I’m going home. I’m leaving the sandbox. I’m not going to play with you anymore!”
And kind of implied that she had led me on. She didn’t like that very much. But, after a week or so, I started to regret my decision.
It doesn’t really matter, it’s just one. But the thirst is real.
I tried to reach out and apologize for overreacting, and although she did respond with kindness, she basically doesn’t want to talk to me much anymore. I think it is a lost cause at this point.
Yeah, pretty much. You got perturbed and upset. The important way to handle that is if a woman is hinting that she may break a date, then it’s best to just blow it up. And that’s where you do the takeaway. You say, “Well, if you’re not sure, we can schedule another time.” Or say, “If you’re not sure, we can just do it some other time,” without offering her a time, and then you just pause and you shut up. This is the important thing, it’s right out of sales. Ye who speaks first loses.
When you tell her, “Well, if it doesn’t work and you’re not feeling well, we can do it some other time then,” and then you stop and you wait for what she says, if she just goes, “Okay. Yeah, we’ll just do it some other time,” then you know she’s not that into it. Then you can say, “Alright. Have a good night. Take care,” and never speak to her again. Now, she may reach out in the future, but if she says “No, I want to keep the date,” then she’s in. It’s important to do that, so you don’t waste your time. Because if you don’t do that, there’s a good chance she flakes on you anyway.
Anyway, I’ve stopped contacting her and basically let it go. I told her to reach out if she ever changed her mind. I’m now dating other women, but still hope maybe her and I will have another chance. I did really like her.
This experience taught me a lot. It basically confirms everything you teach. How to act, how not to act, and the mindset to have and not to have with a woman you really like. I see now, I should have treated her the same as every other girl and not put her on a pedestal. Also, I need to wait before I get too attached to any one girl…
…no matter how much it seems we like each other.
Again, women are emotional beings, and their emotions changed as often as the weather changes.
If there is anything else you would like to add, about where it went wrong, I am happy to hear your safe advice.
Thank you for all you do, and feel free to share my story with your audience.
It might be safe, but it’s not going to be pleasant. I mean, at the end of the day, the guy realizes where he went wrong. But like I said, if you’re going to be doing online dating, this is what you’re going to deal with. Because just like the Russian girl that I mentioned, she got overwhelmed and dipped out of the dating apps, and I was the guy that got her.
But in this particular case, it’s kind of a similar experience. This particular woman stayed on there, and now she’s got two guys that she likes, and she’s like, “I’m confused. I don’t know who I like the most.” Well, you got perturbed and upset, so the other guy, he’s now her ‘special ‘one. But this is why, if you’re going to be online, your game’s got to be tight. You can’t be doing stupid things like this. Because you learn, you get burned, and then you don’t do it again.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours, truly.
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“A man who has lots of choices and options with women is going to spend his time with women who work for his attention and who are easygoing and easy to be with. However, when a man is dating a woman who has many guys interested in her, less really is more. The man who can do without her and who doesn’t care to interact with her, unless she is making an effort equal to or greater than his, will be the one she chooses. Women are driven by their emotions, and a man who can do without them is the man they chase. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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