How to handle no contact if you were dating a coworker and got rejected or friend zoned.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was seeing a coworker for a while. He says that, like many men in her life, he got the “let’s just be friends speech” after a few months of dating. He declined and told her to get in touch if she ever changed her mind. She tried for a while to get him to agree to be platonic friends, but he was firm.
Now, she is cold and sometimes seems angry at him. He asks if he should start talking to her at work again. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
It’s hard to go no contact with somebody where you see them every day, or maybe you work together. And I’ve seen husbands and wives or boyfriend and girlfriend that worked together where things go sideways, and now they’ve got to see each other all the time. So, this is a tricky situation.
You just have to present the perception that you have completely moved on with your life and you’re happy. Things are great, you’re excited about the future, even if you don’t feel that way on the inside. Because it typically tends to bother them that you’re not bothered, and then they try harder to find out, how are you not bothered? They might start dangling the carrot a little bit, which is what you want. You want them seeking your attention and validation, and you’re going to go where your presence is celebrated, not where it’s tolerated.
I’m a 24 male from England who was seeing a coworker for a while at work. Everything was going great for a while, but much like many other guys in her life, I got the ‘let’s just be friends’ speech after a few months when things got too “real.”
So, he probably pushed for a relationship, tried to lock her down. She wasn’t having it, he probably over pursued. We don’t know.
I declined of course, telling her to let me know if she ever wants to try again, but until then, I’d rather just go our separate ways.
That’s the right thing to do, because if your goal as a man is to have a great relationship with somebody, you’re not going to waste your time giving any attention to a girl that you like, and you want, and you’re attracted to but who says, no dice. You’re going to force yourself to put your attention elsewhere. Because, as a self-respecting, self-valuing and self-loving man, you’re not going to give your time and attention or your presence to somebody who doesn’t value it, appreciate it or reciprocate it. And as hard as it is, you want to focus on creating something new, not focus on what didn’t work out or who didn’t want you.
She continued to message asking to be friends for a while after, but each time I declined.
This is the important thing to remember is that women don’t typically just accept when you politely decline the friendship offer. They’re going to keep trying to get you to cave to see if you will comply with being in their world or their frame, if you will, or your world and your frame. So, the idea is, “This is my kingdom, and this is how I’m going to behave. I’m not going to give my time, and attention, and presence to a woman that doesn’t value it. And I’m certainly not going to agree to be platonic friends and enjoy continual cases of blue balls with somebody that I used to be having sex with all the time. That’s just not going to happen.”
Because, women that like to invite the attention from guys that they used to sleep with, they’re just looking for attention and validation, so don’t give it to them. You only give that attention to validation to women who have earned it, and with her trying to friend-zone you, you’re going to say, “No, I don’t think so. Nope, sorry.”
I have since been ordered another job and so have taken time off from my current role, picking up shifts as and when needed, but after not seeing this girl for a month, it’s as if she’s pretending to hate me.
Who cares? You roughed up her ego, it doesn’t matter. You told her to get in touch if she changed her mind. If she wants to be butt-hurt because you didn’t go along with her agenda, well, she can pound sand.
I’ve bluffed to test her reaction when talking about other girls, and she’s got angry a number of times.
“Babe, are you jealous? We’re not together anymore, you’re not allowed to get jealous. But if you’re into women, maybe I can arrange a more intimate meeting between you and my new girl, and that would be a good time.”
But when in work together, unless I’m speaking to my female colleagues, she won’t look at me, or when she does, it seems to be a dirty look.
If she gives you a dirty look, blow her a kiss and go, “Hey, cutie. Boy, you look so happy today. You’re obviously happy to see me.” Mock her lovingly, in a playful way. If you see her giving you dirty looks, it’s like, “Ooh, you look grumpy today. Maybe you should switch to decaf, maybe put a little Jack Daniels in the coffee to take the edge off.”
She’s a beautiful girl who obviously isn’t used to guys saying no and walking away.
It’s hard to be pissed off at somebody that makes you laugh. So, if she’s determined to be pissed off, crack a joke, try to make her laugh, but don’t go out of your way to go talk to her. If you’re talking to a woman at work and you notice her giving you a dirty look, wink at her and look away. It’s kind of like when you see a hater on social media saying the worst things about you, and then you like their comment. That really pisses them off.
So, I’m wondering if this is just a mask she’s using to hide how much I hurt her?
Dude, she friend-zoned you and gave you blue balls. It sounds like you’re the one that’s hurting. You roughed up her ego a little bit. It doesn’t matter. Who cares? If she’s in a bad mood, you’re not responsible for that. It’s not your problem. You gave her the greatest gift you can give anybody, which was the gift of your time. And then she said, “No, let’s just be friends. I want to continue giving you blue balls.” So don’t give her any attention. But like I said, if she looks grumpy, tease her, make fun of her, mock her lovingly.
According to other female staff, whenever my name is mentioned, she always seems to perk up.
Well, I also wouldn’t be involving everybody you work with in your previous love affair. That’s a bad way to go.
And I just have this intuitive feeling that she still has feelings for me. So, aside from no contact, I’m at a loss.
Well, if she still had feelings or is interested, who knows? Maybe she’s dating her ex-boyfriend. You really don’t know what’s going on with this girl. Because you made it clear, if she changed her mind to get in touch, but you’re not interested in anything platonic. And so, you said no. And that’s good, that’s what a man does. A man says no. How about some blue balls? How about a whole carton of blue balls on a silver platter? “No, I’m going to decline that. Thank you, though. I appreciate the consideration. Maybe you can give that to some of your other beta male friends, your beta male orbiters. Thanks, but no thanks.”
I’m maintaining the no contact rule outside of work, but should I make an effort to talk to her when we’re working together, or should I just leave things to develop in whatever way they do?
Look forward to hearing back with your thoughts.
Well, if she’s staring at you and she’s giving you a dirty look, wink at her. Smile at her and say, “Oh, you look like you’re in a good mood today.” Or if she comes over and she’s grumpy, and she’s saying something grumpy, he’s like, “Your personality is so amazing. The enthusiasm that you have when I’m around is just off the charts. It’s amazing. You always make me feel so welcome. So glad that we work together. You’re such a peach. You’re amazing.” Just communicating that, not only are you unperturbed, but you’re amused by the situation. It’s funny and it’s humorous, and you’re not bothered by it.
That’s all I would do. And then, if she really wants to talk to you, she knows your number. She’ll text you, she’ll make it obvious, and then you make a date. Just like out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you invite her to make dinner at your place. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Tell her to grab a bottle of wine and come on over. I’d be following what’s “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” from this point forward, but that’s the mindset that you want to have; you’re unperturbed, you’re unbothered, you’re indifferent. You’re excited about the future, you’re excited about talking to other women, and you’re excited to meet somebody else.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“If you were dating a coworker or someone in your social circle who dumped or tried friend-zoning you, politely decline their platonic relationship offer and tell them to get in touch if they ever change their mind. Then go about your life to meet and date new romantic prospects. If you see them, smile, wave and then go about your business, but don’t go out of your way to talk to them. Treat them like someone you are bored of and tired of being around. You’ll be kind and respectful but won’t give any more of your time and attention than necessary to be polite without being rude. Instead, talk to other members of the opposite sex with enthusiasm and focused attention. Bring dates to social gatherings when you know they will be there. Be unperturbed and indifferent to their presence or lack of interest.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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