How To Keep Dating & Hooking Up After She Dumps You

How to keep dating & hooking up even after getting dumped.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s new to my work. He got dumped because he put his girlfriend in charge of their relationship and became needy and reactive when she lost attraction, respect and started backing away. He also stopped courting her and took her for granted.

They went to dinner together and hooked up, but now she’s backing off again. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s relatively new to my work for about a month, and he admits that he got dumped because he basically put his girlfriend in charge of the relationship and started following her lead. On top of that, he became needy and reactive when she lost attraction and respect and started backing away. He also admits that he stopped dating, courting her and took her for granted. So it wasn’t until there was a real problem that he decided to try at least to take corrective action. However, now he’s following my work. He’s been through 3% Man one time. So he hung out with his girlfriend the other night, or ex-girlfriend. At this point they had dinner together and they hooked up, but he noticed that she’s backing off again.

This is a good email because a lot of guys that come to me are in a situation like this. They were in a relationship or they were dating a girl, things are going well. Then she started losing attraction and respect and backing off, and it seems like the more they pursue, call, and text, the less interested and the less available she becomes. So like in this case, the power is completely flipped to where she was always chasing and pursuing him, but he got lazy, complacent, and didn’t date and court her. Then he didn’t handle it too well when she started backing away and he started to pursue and chase. He acted needy, put her in charge of the relationship. Basically started treating her like the man and started acting like the woman, which obviously ruins the sexual polarity, dries her up, and turns her off.

So as the book says, a man’s job in the courtship is to create the opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced that are obviously detailed in the book. If you’re new and you haven’t read it, you go to UnderstandingRelationships.com. Put your name, your email address, create a password, and the little email sign-up box will be the first thing you see when you get to my website. The book will open up right in your web browser and you can start reading it totally for free. You can try before you buy. Then once you see how well it works, then you can get an audio-book, a paperback, a digital version, or a hardcover, what have you.

So again, the job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Not to get back together, not to get into a relationship. The important thing to understand is you never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. The reality is, women are natural pursuers, and when men pursue too much, then what happens is the their feelings and their interest drop. They become confused. They need space. Usually when that happens, guys go into fix-it mode, trying to do more of what got them rejected.

So you have to let women come to you at their pace, especially when you’ve been dumped. So like in this case, he wanted to stay together. She did not. He lets her be. She reaches out. If you’re in a situation where she’s asked for space and then three or four days or a week goes by and then she reaches out, well you should assume, “Well, she had enough space. She must obviously want to see me.” So you create the opportunity for sex to happen. Like in this case, he should be inviting her over to make dinner at his place, because the dinner facilitates physical interaction. You don’t go to lunch, you don’t do coffee, you don’t do group dates, you don’t get together on neutral ground, you don’t meet her out, you don’t have a bunch of friends around you. You only agree to get together at dinner at your place, because if a woman is open to sex and a relationship, in a reconciliation, she’ll come over and make dinner, but if she’s keeping you like as a backup plan, maybe it’s just somebody you were just kind of casually dating and weren’t real serious at that point. Then she met somebody else, and you maybe made some mistakes that turned her off. You have to let her be. You have to let her come to you. Then you invite her over to your place to make dinner together. This prevents the women from wasting your time or keeping you stuck in the friend zone, or buying a coffee, dinner or drinks and spending money on her, but getting nothing more than a peck on the cheek.

So, as I’ve said many times, it’s in the book, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. When you’re interested in sex and romance and she’s trying to friend-zone you, she wants space, she doesn’t want to be with you, or she wants to be broken up, then you stop moving forward completely. It’s her job to get another chance with you, not the other way around. Therefore, she messed it up. She ended the relationship. She’s got to do all the contact initiation because typically women will initiate contact when they miss you enough and they’re thinking about you enough. That’s why it works so well, is to wait for them to reach out. Then you make a date because quite frankly, it’s their idea at that point. As 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, the article and video I did many years ago on this topic, she’s got to come to your place at least three dates in a row. As long as you hang out, have fun, and hook up all three dates, then you can meet her out, pick her up, and go out on dates, but she should be coming to you. Especially if you think about it, you’re in the middle of a breakup. You’re trying to reconcile. You don’t want to be in a restaurant having these intimate discussions where people are eavesdropping. You want her to come over to your place where it’s just you and her. The purpose of making dinner together, not making it for her or ordering takeout, is to facilitate physical interaction so she can touch you and bump into you, and then you can slowly escalate physical touch and ultimately seduction with her.

So there’s a method to the madness. I mean, these things have been tried, true, and tested over almost 30 years at this point, from when I was originally learning it, mastering it. I’ve been teaching this stuff for over 20 years now to millions of people all around the world from every cultural, religious and spiritual background. So what creates attraction is universal. It doesn’t matter where in the world you live. These things are innate and natural to men and women. Once you understand that, it makes things very easy. So if you’ve been dumped and she wants space or doesn’t want to get back together, then you just say, “Call me if you change your mind. Hit me up when you miss me.” Then a few days go by or week goes by and she reaches out, assumes she had enough space and enough time and she probably wants to see you, but it’s your job to be the appointment setter and make the date happen. Definite date, definite time, definite place to get together. In this case, because he got dumped, he should be making dinner plans at his place, but it looks like he went out on a dinner date with her. At the end of the day, they ended up hooking up. So that’s a good thing.

Afterwards, he’s noticed that now she’s a little distant. So you should expect that. You should expect her to spend a bunch of time and then be shocked that she slept with you again, and also be shocked at the fact that her feelings are starting to come back and bubble up on her and she’s confused by that. Women just need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, for those feelings to develop inside. It’s counterproductive for the man to be calling, texting, and professing his love, or telling her how much he likes her. Women don’t give a damn about how much you like them. They only care about how they feel about you. So you got to do the things that enable them to be present with their feelings, and so they can develop and grow, and when that happens, that’s when they reach out. So it requires infinite patience and just letting her be and then knowing how to respond when she does reach out.

So at the end of the day, since your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen, the relationship or the labels boyfriend/girlfriend, that shit doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is creating the opportunity for sex to happen, and she comes to you on your terms.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I recently discovered your content about a month ago after my girlfriend of two-and-a-half years suddenly started pulling back. I’ve read 3% Man once so far and plan to go through it many more times.

Ten to 15, dude. You got to go through it 10 to 15 and take this seriously because you were obviously making a lot of mistakes you had no awareness of. Each time you go through it, as the beginning of the book says, you’re going to retain maybe 7%, maybe 8% of it. So it’s impossible to read it once or twice and just think everything’s going to be great. Doesn’t work that way. You got to take this shit seriously unless you like enjoying the the pain of rejection and heartbreak and watching your girl ride off into the sunset with another dude.

I’m 25, she’s 26, and throughout the relationship she was always the pursuer, calling me multiple times a day, wanting to see me constantly, and talking about marriage, kids, and moving in together. About a year ago, she suggested we move to a new city together, and I’ve been planning my life around that ever since.

Well, the only reason you should be moving to another city is because you really want to live in that city, and it’s an upgrade no matter what. So whether you stay together or not, you would still move there with or without her. When a guy moves there to please a woman, nine times out of 10, he gets dumped when he arrives or shortly before they move, because what’s happening is you’re basically building your life around her and you’re making her the man and the decision maker, and women don’t want power and control.

Then about a month ago, she began getting distant and unsure, which was very out of character. She tends to get anxious around big life changes, and I now realize I didn’t handle the shift well at first. I became needy, tried to convince her, and got a bit reactive.

So he got butt-hurt. He got upset. He lost his center. Stopped acting masculine. Remember, feminine energy is chaos. Masculinity is calm. So when she became a little chaotic and unsure, he became chaotic and unsure, which obviously sent her attraction level into the toilet.

After finding your work, I recognized that I had gotten complacent, stopped courting her, and taken her for granted. She officially broke up with me a few days ago, but it didn’t feel typical. We still went to dinner that night, had a great time, ended up sleeping together, and I stayed over.

Well, it sounds like the the breakup happened when you were hanging out with her at her place. So under normal circumstances, if you were already broken up and then she reaches out, you invite her over to make dinner. So from this point going forward, that’s what needs to happen. You need to stay in no-contact. You need to let her be and be with her feelings. That way, she gets to feel what’s most important. She gets to feel what life is like without you. When a woman says “I need space” or she’s unsure and you continue pursuing, you’ll make her sure that she doesn’t want to be with you. So you got to have the “testicular fortitude,” to borrow a phrase from the late, great Richard Marcinko, who was the founder of Seal Team Six, to just hang back and let her be.

Since then, I’ve stayed calm and let her do all the pursuing. We’ve continued seeing each other, being intimate, and she’s even said, “I love you.”

Well see, all he has to do is focus on the opportunity for sex to happen. So he was needy and he was pursuing. Remember, the number one strength characteristic women love in men is confidence. When you act needy and unsure of yourself and you over-pursue, you’re the opposite of confident. That’s why she becomes unsure, because now you’re not acting like a man anymore. If you notice what he’s doing, he got back to what made him successful in the first place, which is to let her do all the reaching out, and he just creates the opportunity for sex to happen. So even though they’re not together, it’s kind of like things were in the beginning when they were just starting to date. She reaches out when she misses him or is thinking about him a lot, and he just creates the opportunity for sex to happen. Things continue as normal.

So if you can detach from your need to get a label or a commitment or to lock her down and you just let her be, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” This allows the woman’s feelings to bubble up and grow more intense. She comes to you at her pace because love is allowing after all. So you’re allowing her to fall back in love with you. You’re not really doing much other than when you’re together. You’re hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. You’re not talking on the phone all the time. It’s just when she reaches out, you assume she’s had enough time away. You make the next opportunity for sex to happen.

At one point she admitted she felt anxious and wasn’t sure if she was making a mistake ending things…

That’s when you just go, “Babe, of course you made a mistake ending things, but here we are. We’re still together, technically, even though we don’t have the label, which I don’t really care about the label. All I care about is I got you naked in my arms. That’s all I need. You and me naked together in bed is good enough. The rest of the stuff, your anxiousness will work itself out over time.”

…And I responded by taking the pressure off and saying I was happy just enjoying our time together.

Good job. That’s the right response. Again, love is allowing.

However, in the last couple of days she’s pulled back again…

This is totally normal.

…And even flaked on plans…

Well, you make plans and then she flakes on them, then stop asking her out when she reaches out, talked over three or four minutes and then just say, “Hey, I gotta run. Talk to you later,” and let her bring up getting together.

…Though she still reaches out in small ways like sending videos.

She sends a video, just heart it.

I’ve stayed centered and given her space, but I’m curious for your perspective. I genuinely want this to work. We had a great relationship before I dropped the ball, and I’ve taken full responsibility for that.

Well, at the end of the day, nothing is going to happen unless she makes it happen or allows it to happen.

I’ve also made it clear I’m still moving to the new city regardless, but I’d prefer she comes with me. What would you recommend I do from here?

Thank you for what you do helping men out here. Keep up the good work!

Bob

Nothing. It’s her job to fix it. She fucked it up. Therefore, she’s got to do all the pursuing. At this point, she reached out and you made a date and then she cancelled. So you won’t bring up getting together again unless she brings up seeing you or getting together first. If she calls you or Facetimes you, you talk for two or three minutes and say, “Hey, it was great seeing your face. Hey, it was great hearing your voice,” whatever. “I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later, hun,” and just leave it at that. You want her to go, “Why is he not asking me out? Did he meet somebody else? Is he over it? Did he really not care about me?” These are the things that cause her interest to go up. Then she’ll say, “Well, I want to see you. We should get together. Hey, you know, I gotta come by and do this or that or whatever.” Just say, “Yeah, no problem.” Then you can make plans to get together, but she should come to your place for the next three dates in a row. As long as you hang out, have fun, and hook up, then you can meet her out or pick her up, but you got to let her do all the reaching out.

I suspect that once she started reaching out and they were hanging out, it sounds like he was probably going on regular dates and probably calling and texting her as well, probably doing a little too much on the phone instead of letting her do 100% of it. So what happened is he overdid it a little bit, probably got back to being a little needy, and that’s why she backed off and canceled the date. I don’t know for sure, but just having done this for 20 years and seen this shit tens of thousands of times over and over again, that’s probably what happened.

So again, you can’t invite her to do anything until she brings up seeing you. So again, phone calls or Facetime calls, two to three minutes, “Hey, I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later, hun.” If it’s a text exchange or WhatsApp message, send two or three replies, “Hey, I got to run. I’ll talk to you later.” One of two things will happen: She’ll bring up getting together or she’ll just stop contacting you, but you have to let women come to you at this point. At the end of the day, if you want to move to that city with or without her, then that’s great. As long as it’s your choice and you’re doing it because you really want to be there, she can come, she can stay here, doesn’t really matter. So you got to give her the gift of missing you and let her come to you at her pace. That includes from here on out.

Just because you start hanging out a few times, guys make mistakes in this situation as they start calling and texting, trying to speed up the courtship and her falling back in love, and all he ends up doing is turning her off and then she becomes unsure, she starts breaking plans. Again, she messed it up. She’s got to fix it. We know that a big part of why he got dumped, was he acted needy. So re-engaging the pursuit is counterproductive at this point with where they’re at in this situation.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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