How To Know When She’s Ready To See You After No Contact Works

How to know when you should try to make a date with your ex after no contact works.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who chased his now ex-girlfriend out of his life and talked her out of being romantically attracted to him. After she dumped him he spent the next few weeks chasing her and begging for closure. Then she tried to friend zone him and he went no contact. After a few weeks she started reaching out, but he became an emotionless zombie robot and keeps missing good opportunities to get together and seduce her once again.

He asks my opinion on what he should do. I explain how to easily seduce her again since she is clearly signaling she is ready to see him, but he keeps spinning in circles like a dog chasing its tail getting nowhere. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who chased his now ex-girlfriend out of his life and talked her out of being romantically attracted to him. He says after she dumped him, he spent the next few weeks chasing her, begging for closure. Didn’t get anywhere. Obviously that doesn’t work. It works in the movies, but not in real life. Then she tried to friend-zone him and he went no contact. After a few weeks she started reaching out, but he became an emotionless zombie robot and hurt her. So she’s reaching out and hinting, “He’s not making the connection. He’s not trying to make any dates.” He’s like, “What do I do?”

So this guy’s like kind of spinning in circles like a dog chasing his tail and he’s getting nowhere. So let’s go through his email, but before I do that, I want to talk about the Members Only content I have on YouTube, my website and Spotify. If you’re watching this video on YouTube, if you go to the video description, you’ll see links that you can click to join my Members Only content on YouTube, or if you prefer Spotify, there will be a link to Spotify, or if you would prefer to join on my website, there’s a link there.

What I’m doing is I’m doing two extra video newsletters a week for paying members. We’re also uploading the podcast that I do with the girls, where we go through viewer questions. We typically film for about an hour and a half, two hours. When we do that, we get anywhere from eight to 12 or 15 questions answered. What we do is break those up into eight or 10-12 individual videos. You guys have been saying, “Hey, where’s the whole podcast? Where can I watch you guys, the whole film session, where you go through all the questions? Because I just like to watch one after another.

So we’ve got those full podcasts uploaded and the Members Only area, and we also have new a new series of videos that I’m doing with Chunky and the girls. So they’ve all gone through 3% Man, and have read it and the girls have been highlighting passages, writing questions down. We’ve already done a couple film sessions with Caroline and Jade, and we typically film for about an hour and a half, maybe two hours. Just in the two film sessions we’ve done, we’re still only on page 25. So when all is said and done with the Caroline and the Jade versions of it, we’re going to end up probably with somewhere like 25, 30 episodes.

The goal is for me to go through the book with the girls, and I’ll also be doing a series with Chunky and another guy who you guys will meet in a few months, and we’re also going to do a study group series on Mastering Yourself. The idea is we’re just going to pick apart the book. Anything the girls are reading, “I don’t agree with that. Why would you tell guys to do this? They should do this instead.” Maybe a little bit trolling will be involved. They’ll be challenging me on things, but it’ll be a good, fun discussion where we can really take apart the concepts, the principles, the philosophy that’s in my book. Obviously we will have the girls because they’ve been through it, given their feedback and their perception. It’s meant to be as another really good teaching tool where I really pick the book apart and go through it in depth and detail to really help you guys learn what’s in it so you can increase your knowledge of the subject and get better quicker.

Again, the links are in the video description below this video. Whether you want to subscribe on YouTube or you want to subscribe on Spotify, or the link that will take you to my website where you can subscribe to the Members Only content on my website. For those of you that do sign up, we appreciate you. For those of you that don’t, we hope you sign up in the future. If you guys have any questions you want to maybe post below the video on what type of content you would like to see in the paid Members Area, that would be great too.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Thanks for what you do. Through your books and YouTube channel, the wisdom you share has helped me a lot lately. 

I want to hear your thoughts about my most recent relationship, and advice on how to operate as a 3% man and potentially “win” my ex girlfriend back. 

Well, if you were the one that got dumped and broken up with and she unilaterally ended the relationship, she has to win you back, dude. It’s not the other way around. It’s not your job to win her back. Your job is to take care of you, to put yourself in a position where you embody the concepts that are in 3% Man, because that will make you maximally attractive to all women in general, not just your ex who you’re trying to attract, but other women. If you have not only your ex contacting you and interested in seeing you, dating you and potentially sleeping with you again, but you have other women that are doing the same thing, you’re going to be cockier. You’re going to have more swagger, you’re going to be less inclined to go along with things and be soft and let her push you around, jerk you around, walk all over you and treat you like a doormat.

If you’re more of a challenge and you’re more masculine in the version of you that she was last with, that’s going to really change her perception of you, and she’ll start to pursue you at her pace, and you have to just let her do all the calling, texting, pursuing. Just like I talked about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video I did many years ago. That is what you should be following.

Again, your job as a man is personal peak performance. You need to do everything you can within your control to make yourself the most attractive and masculine man that you can be. By utilizing what’s in the book and understanding what you were doing in the past that turned her off, you’ll eliminate the things that not only turn your ex off, but just turn women off in general.

As you become a more attractive man and you start to have choice with women, your attitude changes, your vibe changes and you start giving off the vibe of a guy who, in essence, his balls are already drained dry. Just like pretty much every guy that’s ever experienced this, it’s hard to find a women that wants to date and sleep with you when you’re single, but as soon as you get a girlfriend, it seems like all these women are coming out of the woodwork and they’re hitting on you. The reason being is the vibe that you give off when you got plenty of pussy is completely different than the guy that is suffering from a pussy embargo. If your balls are drained dry and you already have enough pussy in your life, you’re going to be in a total non-hungry state. Your inaction is what’s going to make you attractive to women. So you got to get the mindset straight. You’re not trying to win her back, but you are willing to give her the opportunity to potentially win you over. So you’ll give her another chance to potentially be your girlfriend.

For context: Her and I met at work. She worked at my 1-4 days/month for fun, while she has another full time career. Feeling natural attraction, I asked her out. The first date was great, and we dated “casually” for two months. I hadn’t yet found your work, but inadvertently did most things right. We were simply hanging out, having fun and hooking up. 

Well, that’s how all relationships start. They start out as just casual affairs, casual hanging out, having fun and hooking up. For those of you guys that are super religious, the hooking up happens on your wedding night or whatever. The bottom line is all of life is a seduction. When it comes to the woman, you are seducing her always. Now going through with the physical seduction, the physical meat missile or the pelvis pounding, it can happen typically by the second or third date when you start dating somebody new. Again, if you’re ultra religious, then obviously that happens on your wedding night.

After two months of that, I asked her to be my girlfriend…

Which is obviously the opposite of what the book says. Again, he didn’t know about me at that point, but he did enough in the beginning, at least, to allow her to come to him and do most of the calling, texting, and pursuing.

…And she accepted excitedly. We began our, “Serious relationship” together. The problem at this point, is that I had absolutely no idea how a man should conduct himself in a serious relationship. I grew up with no father, father figure, mentor, big brother, etc. Just an emotionally distant mother. The only image I ever had of how to act in a relationship was from books, movies and fairy tales. 

The thing is, the fairy tales, the movies and the people that are typically writing these romance novels are usually the geeky dudes that never got any pussy, so they have a fantasy about what they think women should be like and how romance should be, and the movies are based on that.

This is when you don’t have parents that can teach you this stuff. You’re going to learn it from whatever you participate in. In this case, his participation in fairy tales, movies and books was his relationship education. That whole thing is based on a world that just doesn’t exist. So when you act like they do in the movies, it has the opposite effect, which this guy obviously found out.

Our first 1.5 months were great, but at that point, she began testing me with increasing difficulty.

Yeah, she started to sense that you were soft.

I had become too available, and acting just a little bit needy out of ignorance. It also became evident that I wasn’t listening to her in a way that she felt heard. Slowly and subtly, her legs closed and our connection severed. I was ignorant to it at the time.

Our next 1.5 months was rocky and then she broke up with me.

So this is about month three.

Unfortunately, I was so confused and mildly blindsided by it, that I spent a couple of weeks chasing her for answers and closure. Quite sad behavior. Thankfully, when she mentioned wanting to be friends one day, I told her, “We’ll never be just friends.” And after a couple of weeks of the chasing for closure, I told her that I was done and I am moving on.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. That’s why you go no contact, because you’ve tried it your way, you’ve tried chasing, you’ve tried pleading, you’ve tried begging and it gets nowhere. All it does is reconfirm to her that she made the right decision by dumping you, because you’re constantly acting unworthy.

A man who loves and values himself is not going to be begging a woman for closure. He’s just going to look at it and go, “I’ll find somebody better, younger and hotter. Whatever. Your loss. Call me if you change your mind,” and that’s their attitude, but most guys that beat their head against the wall like this dude did and realized, “I’m getting nowhere.”

After that, I didn’t hear from her for a couple of weeks. Thankfully, during that time, I found your work! I read your book once, and am currently on my second read. I’ve watched many hours worth of your YouTube videos.

A few weeks after I told her I was moving on, she randomly texted me, “Did you hear that the writer of Dragon Ball Z just died?” Random nonsense that I took as an indication that she was thinking about me and wanted to feel me. I waited a day and then replied, texting 3-4 times in a fun teasing manor before the conversation died.

You should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says. You’re not trying to create rapport, you’re not trying to crack jokes, you’re not trying to be a comedian, you’re not trying to be a dancing monkey or a performing seal. Your job is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out and to hook up when you’re hanging out and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed and ultimately seduced, which are all detailed in the book.

The reason why the conversation died is you pretty much started acting like the same guy that had no idea what was going on the last time you spoke to her. She got the the the idea that nothing had changed with you. You’re still the same dude. That’s why the conversation died, because it was pointless and boring. What I would have done, I would just been, “Hey, it’s great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. Why don’t you come on over and we’ll make dinner sometime this week? What’s your schedule like?” Then make dinner in the evening at your place on a day that she’s available and that you’re available. These three or four texts, this is not what the book teaches. You don’t need to create rapport. You’re just interested in hanging out, having fun and hooking up. So be direct, be decisive, and get right to the fucking point.

Another week or two went by, before she messaged me again, this time commenting about an Instagram story I had posted. 

We exchanged two or three fun messages, before I mentioned, “Maybe we’ll talk about this over lunch sometime.”

Dude, you told her you were not interested in being friends. You told her you were walking away. When you tell a woman, “Let’s talk over lunch sometime,” again, this is not what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says. 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says that you’re open to giving her a chance to win you over. Therefore, you’re not going to go pick her up, you’re not going to go meet her out, you’re not going to go out on a date with her. You’re simply willing to make a date at your place in the evening to make dinner together. That’s it.

The reason why you do dinner in the evening at your place is because sex is on the table. When a woman agrees to that, if you go to lunch, then she can keep you stuck in friend zone and just use you for attention and validation or her gay male girlfriend basically. That’s not what you want. If you tell a woman you’re not interested in friendship and then you suggest lunch, well you just suggested, told her and communicated that you’re OK with being platonic friends and blue balls. So I know you only read the book once, but this is what you are saying and how you are proceeding. It’s like the more you interact with her, the more you’re communicating you have no idea what you’re doing.

You got to read the book 10-15 times. If you get the audio book and you follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through the book in under four hours, and you need to go through as many reads as possible to get into your head because quite frankly, your game sucks. It is absolutely atrocious. You’re like a dog that’s chasing his tail. She calls you and you just start spinning around and getting nowhere.

She proceeded to try to rope me into a “friendly” conversation…

Well, you suggested it. You’re the one that suggested a platonic lunch date. If you’re interested in sex and romance, you invite her over to make dinner in the evening. If you make plans for lunch, there’s no way a seduction typically in most cases, is going to happen in an afternoon. You go to lunch, you have a talk, and then she’s like, “Well, I gotta run.” If she comes over in the evening, 7:00, 8:00 at night to make dinner together, she’s with you for the rest of the evening. That’s it. If a woman is trying to lock, to keep, to get you to agree to be platonic friends, she won’t want to agree to come over to make dinner in the evening. She’ll suggest the lunch or coffee or neutral ground.

Remember, you’re doing her a favor. She dumped you. She unilaterally said, “I’m out.” So you’re not trying to win her back, but you are open to giving her the chance to convince you to potentially give her another chance to win you back because she fucked up. She’s the one that unilaterally said, “I’m out.” That’s why 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back is set up the way it is, because it prevents a woman from jerking you around and going to lunches and spending money on her, and getting nowhere but emptying your wallet and getting blue balls for your trouble.

You’re interested in sex and romance, but you’re just simply open to giving her another chance to win you over. That’s why you’re not going to go anywhere. The farthest distance that you’re going to be willing to travel to see her is a distance that it takes to go from wherever you are in your house. To your front door to open it up and let her in when she comes over. That’s it.

…About how she had a rough day at work, and is interviewing for new jobs. I told her that I would love to hear about it next time I see her, but that I had to go. She then told me she’s been thinking about me, especially the great sex we used to have. I said, “Ditto. Our sex was great. Goodnight.”

Don’t, bro. Dude, she’s basically saying, “Hey, I’d like to have sex. I like to have sex with you again.” Again, you should have just gotten right to the same point. You should have never suggested lunch. When she reached out, I would have just said, “Hey, great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. We should get together and make dinner at my place sometime this week. What’s your schedule like?” That’s it. She’s already talking about sex. So if you’d have done that, she probably would have, even after you suggested lunch. She’s talking about sex. She’s talking about your dick, basically. All you had to do was make a date in the evening, to make dinner together at your place and she would have come over. You make dinner together, you don’t make dinner for her. You make dinner together where you both participate so it facilitates physical touching, interacting, goofing around and fooling around, which ultimately ends up with you sliding in the salami.

It’s been a couple of days since that message. She hasn’t replied, but I’m not stressed about it. My plan is to give her another week of space, and then whether or not she has reached out to me, try to set up a definite lunch date for next Saturday. What do you think? 

Bob

I would wait to hear from her. When she does make a fucking definite date, that means definite day, definite time, definite place to get together. No “maybe” dates again. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. That article has been around for probably 10 years, and I think it’s got millions of views at this point, and it is the best, most effective strategy to get the leverage back and get the power back. Again, this girl’s already talking about sex and how great it was. She wants to get fucked. Quit dicking around. Quit chasing your fucking tail. When she reaches out next time, invite her over just like I said, and then get off the phone.

Stop sending these bullshit texts, don’t be sending any memes, don’t be going, “Hey, how are you? How’s your day? How you been?” Don’t be doing any of that stuff. “Hey, you! I want to see your face. Hey, it’s awesome to hear from you. I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like? So we can get together and make dinner at my place.” Everything is laid out, all the potential objections you can encounter from her are laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I mean, she has served herself up on a silver platter to you. This is such a simple thing to turn around, but shit’s sailing right over your head, dude. You got to be a better student. I know I’ve been breaking your balls a lot, but you deserve it because I want you to get the point. Next time she reaches out, you should make a definite date. She’ll probably say yes and agree to all your terms that I discussed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Just follow what the script says and you’ll be plowing her strawberry fields again.

One thing I want to say for you guys. Another way that women can sometimes cock-block guys in these situations is with their cycle. If you dated her as long as you did and you were boyfriend/girlfriend, you should know what her cycle is. So don’t be making a date when you know she’s going to be on her period. You don’t cock-block yourself.

You got to think about the logistics of sex. It’s important because there’s lots of guys that don’t think about that shit. You were with her. You probably already had sex when she was on her period, if you’re like most dudes, so it shouldn’t matter. I’m just throwing that out there, because there will be other guys who will be watching this that they really didn’t have much timing with the girl and her being on her period, you know, women will do that.

I’ve had emails from guys, I’ve talked to countless dudes and phone sessions over the years, and they’re trying to attract an ex back or they’re making dates with the girl, and they always seem to be making dates when it’s her cycle, when she’s on her period. You got to think this shit through, man. You want it to be easy and effortless.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.