How To Know When To Hang Back & When To Walk Away

How to know when to hang back & when to walk away if she’s distant.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s having a hard time hanging back and letting a woman he’s been seeing come to him at her own pace. He’s not pumping the brakes when he needs to and keeps giving his power away and lowering her attraction. He’s unsure of when to hang back & when to let her be. Her attraction is mostly stagnant and not growing.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “How To Know When To Hang Back & When To Walk Away”.

As the late, great Kenny Rogers said, “You’ve got to know when to hold em and you’ve got to know when to fold em.” And you’ve also got to know when to walk away. It was the Gambler song, is it? So at the end of the day, as a man, you have to let women come to you at their pace. Women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you for their feelings to grow.

And if you’re always in their face, you’re calling too much, you’re texting too much. You’re talking on the phone too much, you’re FaceTiming too much, you’re texting, you’re WhatsApping each other. Or you’re keeping your Snapchat streak alive. The more you interact with somebody, especially when you first meet her, even if her interest is super high, you’ll notice that it starts to go the other way. And so it gets even harder when you really like the girl. And obviously that’s this guy’s problem.

He’s super into the girl. And when it’s time to pump the brakes, he’s just not doing it. He’s over investing and over validating her, and at times acting too feminine and girly. So her interest, her respect, her attraction drops. And so he seems to think that he’s doing what the book teaches. But when I look at what the woman’s actions are, and he kind of gives it away in his mindset and his thinking that he clearly is way more into her than she’s into him. And he’s constantly communicating that. And so if he backs off, she tends to become more interested.

This is just how attraction works with women. And as soon as she shows a little bit more interest or it went up, then he starts to pursue more, trying to make it go faster. And initially he gets good results. But as the days go by, then her interest starts dropping. Because it’s not so much her idea. It’s more his idea than anything. And the reality is, women like you way more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. Women like a guy that’s a challenge, that they have to earn.

And when you make it too easy and you’re always in their face and you’re willing to jump through their butt. At a moment’s notice to please them and do what they want, they’re going to lose respect and attraction and they’re going to back off. And that’s normal because women act like cats. But when you don’t just let them be, when that bothers you, when you don’t hear from them for a few hours, or instead of noticing that they’re taking a little longer to reply and their replies are getting shorter, then that should cause you to kind of back off and let her be.

Because when a woman’s heavily invested, she texts back quickly. Her texts are longer, she wants to talk and interact more. And when our interest is low, she puts less effort in. And you’ve got to recognize that as a man so you know when to pump the brakes and back off and let her be and let her wonder and miss you.

Because if you could only hold out for a few hours or a day or two, and then you don’t hear from her and you freak out and you call or text to see if she’s okay, then it comes off as needy and insecure, and that’s going to cause her to lower her attraction to go lower and her respect for you to drop. And then what happens is she becomes harder to get a hold of. It’s harder to nail her down to a date.

And you notice she becomes less interested and less turned on. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and you have to recognize when a woman’s interest drops and just back off and let her be, and let her wonder. If you try to fix it by calling and texting more, all you’re doing is basically starting to act like a girl you’re over pursuing, and it ruins the sexual polarity.

So with that in mind, let’s go through his email and see what he’s going through because I really struggle with it. You guys have read the book, obviously know that my ex-girlfriend that had a daughter, we just kept going back and forth. I’d pursue too much and then she’d become less available, less willing to make plans. I’d back off. She’d call me more, she’d text me more, she’d reach out more. She’d be more flexible to get together. We’d have a good time together.

And then I’d try to speed it up by calling more, texting more, trying to move things along. Because I’m thinking the way things were a few weeks ago, I was like, “Whoa, we had a really good weekend, or we had a good couple days. So let’s keep this momentum going.” And when you try to force things along, then you notice that the interest starts to drop.

It was very hard for me to learn because I was totally goo goo gaga over her. And so when you really care like this guy does, you tend to pedestalize her, and you tend to be extra nice and extra compliant and a little too soft. And when women get the sense of that, they start doing little tests and backing off and messing with you a little bit by trolling you to see how you react. And if you don’t react too well, or if you start calling and texting more, they can tell you’re a little needy, that you care more than they do.

And the reality is you’ve got to be more masculine than the women. And when you act too feminine and girly, they’re gonna get distant. So you have to recognize the signs of that and know when to back off. Because if you’re only focused on how much you like her, you’re just going to continually talk yourself into call more text and more doing more. Being extra nice people pleaser behavior. And that’s just going to turn her off.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Thanks for all your help and knowledge. I’m talking with a girl that I’ve been seeing for months now, romantically. She has kids, and on paper I’m better catch than she is. I’m 31, no kids, no divorces, good job, USMC Vet, stand-up comic. Recently got out of a long relationship. 

I don’t know if that meant he got out of one or she did.

This started very strong and has slowly fizzled to the point where we aren’t official still and are not exclusive.

Again, when I read stuff like this because I went through it. I know it’s happening. Her interest started out high. Instead of it going higher, it actually went down.

I tried to walk away from the situation a couple weeks ago, but she lured me back in with sex, future talk and her kids who I adore.

So I assume you probably tried to talk to her and you weren’t happy with where her interest was, and she’s not going just all of a sudden like you more because you requested or you want it. It all has to do with how she feels about you. It doesn’t matter how good looking you are or what a great guy you are, or how long you’ve been together, or how much her kids like you. Women care about how they feel about you, that’s the bottom line.

And so you have to do and say things that are masculine and facilitate her attraction growing. And you’ve got to exercise self control to back off when you notice she seems a little distant, especially so in the beginning. So what looks like happened was his game was tight in the first few weeks. And then he took what she said and tried to take it further, tried to speed things up, tried to speed things towards a commitment and a relationship, and she started to sense he was more into her than she was into him.

And that’s why she backs off. As soon as they get a sniff of that, they back off. It’s just, all women do this naturally, instinctively, because you’re acting weak. They’re the ones that want to wonder about you. They’re the ones that want to know what you’re doing or where you’re at or who you’re with. And if you can only hold out for 24 hours with not talking or speaking, and you’re always the first one to re-engage, or if you’re trying to set dates with her and she tells you no, or she’s not super excited, or you tell her to get back to you with her schedule, when she tells you she doesn’t know it.

And then you wait a few days and then you call and text her instead of waiting for her to get back to you. Those are the little things that you might think are not a big deal. You’re like, “Hey, I’m just being proactive, Coach.” But at the end of the day, if you look at her actions and you notice she’s the bottom line, she still won’t make dates with you, or she’s less available. Or she’s unsure of her schedule. You told her to get in touch, and then you don’t wait for her to get in touch. It’s like those little things. That little over-communicating is going to turn her off.

Women like you more if they’re the ones wondering about you. “Is he going to call me back? Did he meet somebody else? Does he not like me? I haven’t heard from him. What’s he doing?” When she becomes unsure, that’s when she reaches out to see how you are. And as the book says, you assume that if she’s contacting you she wants to see you, so you make the next date. And this guy’s just not waiting long enough for the sexual anticipation to build. He’s constantly deflating, and he’s like the guy trying to bake a cake, and he constantly opens up and every few minutes goes, is it done yet?

And he lets all the hot air out and the cake just goes. So you’ve got to be patient. Remember, it’s much better if she thinks she’s more into you than you are into her. When you communicate the opposite, you’re going to get women that behave this way. So he clearly backed off and was like, well, I’m out then. And she could feel that and sense that which turned her on. And then that’s why she seduced him. I had the same problem with my ex-girlfriend, it eventually got to the point where we had been going back and forth.

And I was like, the only thing we haven’t done is had sex, made love. It’s like, “Let’s get together this weekend.” “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure.” It’s like, “Well, it’s like, if you’re not sure after all this time, then it’s time for both of us to move on. So figure it out and get back to me.” And I waited. I waited for her to get back to me, and she didn’t get in touch the next day, which I thought she would, which was surprising. She waited till two days later and then we made plans two days after that to meet up and we hooked up.

And it completely changed the dynamic in the our relationship. Because she recognized that I was willing to walk if things didn’t go to the next level because I was kind of stuck in friend zone. I kept doing it to myself. Because I didn’t know it, you know, I was trying to learn this stuff. And so it matters. Women care about how they feel about you. And you can’t just ignore it. You can’t project your interest, your high interest onto her, and then get upset that she doesn’t feel the same way.

She said things like, “my kids love you I don’t want you to disappear. I want to make you bread and bring you chicken eggs.”

So again, she fears losing him. And what happens now? She appreciates him more. So now she’s trying. This is part of, “he’s being a challenge”, so to speak. He wasn’t happy with how things were. And he’s like, “Well, if that’s not going to change then I’m out.” And she’s like, “Oh wait, how about my magic pussy?” And so she gives it up.

She was petting my beard and rubbing me, and we hooked up in the bathroom right after that.

Again, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. Women have to know that if they push you too far, you’re gonna walk and never look back. And so that’s what he’s starting to do here. He’s like, “This doesn’t work for me. I’m out of here.” He’s like, “Oh, wait a minute. I’ve got a magic pussy for you.” And so she gives it up. Whereas before, she’s like, “Uh, I don’t know.”

However, I didn’t notice an increase in initiation or effort, no eggs or bread yet.

Well again, after that happens, you should have not called. You should have not texted. You’re ready to walk away. And I suspect after that you probably thought, “Oh, we’re good. We had sex.” So in a day or two later, you probably called her or texted her, try to get her together again, and all of a sudden you notice she’s not as flexible, she’s not as submissive, she’s not as enthusiastic. And you’re like, “What the fuck? You were all over me the other day and now you’re cold and distant again.”

That’s why the right response after they hooked up when you left, you just said, “Call me later”, because you should have the self-worth and the self-love to say, “You know what? She’s promising to make more of an effort. So let’s give her the space and time to do that, or to flake out and disappear forever from my life.” And that’s the problem. He’s too scared. In other words, to play the full game of chicken all the way out. He keeps breaking first. Men are supposed to be the stronger of the two sexes. And in negotiation, when you keep caving like that, you’re folding like a cheap deck chair. So she’s not going to respect you.

I suspect this was manipulation, and I took the bait. I know I need to flip the power dynamic but I’m unsure if the best route forward.

Again at that moment, after you guys had sex when you left, you should have been like, “Hey, call me later” and you should have never called, never texted or done anything until you heard from her next. And then you make the date. Just like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says or the book says. When either you’ve initiated contact two times in a row and she won’t make dates, or she’s the one doing all the contact initiation. And still on two separate occasions, you try to make dates when she reached out to you first and she wouldn’t do it.

That’s usually the sign that there’s another dude in the background, an ex-boyfriend or whatever. Or maybe a guy that maybe she was dating a little longer than she was dating you, and he’s acting more attractive than you are. And so she’s going to give more of her time to the guy who she’s more attracted to. And that’s why you’ve got to hang back, especially if they just went through a breakup recently. So again, his problem is he’s just not pumping the brakes because he’s all up in his feelings and his emotions and he’s trying to force things.

Again, he just reveals right here, “I took the bait.” So that tells me he probably reengaged, started pursuing, started reaching out after a couple of days. And again her interest was flat again because it wasn’t her idea. When it gets to the point where a woman won’t hang out with you and won’t make plans and won’t sleep with you. You don’t keep pursuing her. Even if she hooked up with you the last time because you’re ready to walk. And so the smart thing would have been to do nothing and wait to hear from her. And then when she does reach out, make the next get together happen, even if it’s a week.

I remember my ex-girlfriend with the daughter, she waited 12 days. She could never go beyond 12 days when things were at their worst without talking. It was like a game of chicken. I know it seems silly, but if I’d have kept pursuing, I would have never gotten anywhere. I would have never became boyfriend and girlfriend with her. She had to feel that if she didn’t make a little bit of an extra effort to make me feel wanted, that she wasn’t going to hear from me again, that I was just going to disappear. So this woman cares, she’s interested, but he still just can’t hang back long enough in the negotiation, if you will. You don’t get what you deserve in life. You only get what you negotiate.

We were both talking to other people, but I don’t want to be.

Well, you should be, because quite frankly, she’s got two kids from another relationship and most guys are not going to be into that. So you’re actually doing her a favor. I mean, you’ve already met her kids and the kids love you, which is a great thing. But, the problem is her feelings aren’t that high because you’re acting too beta too often. You keep caving first.

I want her to show the amount of effort that she used to.

Well, her interest used to be higher, now it’s lower. So you’ve got to let her be. You’ve got to let her do all the reaching out. And then you just make dates when you hear from her. And if she keeps reaching out and two times in a row when she’s reached out, you try to make dates and she won’t. But she wants to see how you are, then say, “I’m doing great, but I got a lot going on right now. Why don’t you figure out your schedule and get back to me.” You’ve already asked twice, the next time she reaches out, say she calls you or she FaceTime’s you. You’ll talk for 3 or 4 minutes and you go, “Hey, it was great hearing from you. I’ve got to run. I’ll talk to you later.”

If she’s texting you, maybe you send 3 or 4 replies back and forth and you’re like, “Hey, I’ve got to run. I’ll talk to you later.” So one of two things will happen. She’ll either bring up getting together or she’ll stop reaching out altogether. Problem again is he’s just not holding out long enough. I talked to a lot of guys in phone sessions that this is their problem. Because they pedestalize the girl, and their thirst is real for them. The girl is like the hottest girl they’ve ever been with, and so even though they might have read the book, it’s very hard when you haven’t overcome this, overcome your fears and gotten to see that the woman shows up continuously when you treat them right like the book says.

It’s like you’ve just got to spend enough time with a woman that knocks your socks off. It could be six months, a year, two years before you’re like, “Oh, it was all mine. I was just completely mind fucking myself because my mindset was too weak.” And a good woman like this will draw that out of you and cause you to be able to hold out long enough to where you’re able to see her continually returning back over and over and over again, to the point where it becomes really predictable and kind of cute and amusing. And then when you really understand what the book says, women become as predictable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.

I feel like I need to either set a boundary and be ready to walk away, or just hang back like your book says. I’ve been through 5 reads so far in a couple months. The problem is she reached out to me almost daily, but she only agrees to hang out about 1 to 3 of those times that she reaches out.

So again, any time a woman reaches out like especially like this, where it’s back and forth and she reaches out and doesn’t bring up getting together. Or you bring up getting together, even though she’s the one reaching out and she still won’t make a date. Then the next time she reaches out and the time after that, don’t bring it up until she brings it up first. That’s where you’re going wrong. You’re not just like, letting her hang. I’ve talked about this a lot. Like my ex-girlfriend that had the daughter. We got to a point where it just wasn’t going anywhere. I was like, “I want something more than. I don’t want to be friends with you. It doesn’t work.” “Well, I don’t want to lose you.” I was like, “This doesn’t work for me.”

And then what happened was she kept calling me. And then I stopped trying to set dates because she kept calling. I kept trying to set dates, and she just always had an excuse, so I stopped asking. And then I remember, I was in my office. She called, we talked for a few minutes and I was like, “Hey”, after about 3 or 4 minutes, I was like, it was hard to do. Terrified me. I was like, “Hey, I gotta run. It was nice hearing from you. Keep in touch”, I think is what I said. And she’s like, “Okay.” And then I hung up and about two minutes later, my receptionist buzzes back in on the intercom on my phone and says, “Hey, so and so is on the phone.” And I was like, “I’ve got her.”

And I was like, “Hey, you. Long time no see how you been?” And she laughed and she says, “Hey, you’ve got your desk calendar?” I mean, she went right for setting the appointment because she recognized like, “He’s not asking me out anymore. He’s not trying to get together with me. It’s almost like he’s trying to get me off the phone, like he doesn’t want to talk to me.” She could feel that. And so because she felt that, she’s like, “uh oh. I better reel him back in with the magic pussy. Make a date with him.” And so we made a date.

And so sometimes you’ve got to do that if you’ve over communicated your interest, that’s where this guy is at here. So he’s continually asking you out and getting rejected. And when that happens, that’s why you’re supposed to stop moving forward. So she feels it and she starts to wonder, “He’s not asking me out anymore. Why is that? He’s not calling anymore like he used. He’s not texting anymore. It almost seems like maybe he met somebody else. Doesn’t seem like he wants to talk that much anymore. He’s not as excited as he used to be.” This is what you want are wondering.

Since she does this so often, I don’t know what text to ignore and what text to respond to?

You don’t ignore her text. The problem is you’re continually asking her out and getting rejected. So when you don’t get the “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you!” And submissive and flexible. And her schedule’s wide open. Then you stop moving forward.

It feels like she wants me in her life and kids’ life but doesn’t want commitment.

She seems very avoidant to me. I’ve been doing your formula, but I’m not noticing progression. She seems like a tough cookie to crack. 

Bob

Well, that’s the problem because you’re focused on the commitment instead of waiting to hear from her, and then just creating the next opportunity for sex to happen. When she wants to be exclusive, she’ll bring it up. Trust me. But until then, let her reach out, make the next date, hang out, have fun, hook up. And like I said, let her continue reaching out. If you get to a situation where even though she’s still reaching out, but she stops making dates, then don’t ask her out until she brings it up again.

You’ve got to have self-control to do that. I can tell you’re getting frustrated and you’re like, “All right, I’ve got to set boundaries here” because you want her interest to go from here, to all the way up here, and it takes time. You’ve got to act attractive consistently. So again, the book’s not going to help you if you’re going to continually read it and constantly fold like a cheap deck chair.

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