How to make your woman feel heard and understood to grow passion and intimacy.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who writes in asking if his fiancée is a bad partner after they had a disagreement. She is a musician and asked him for his opinion on a song of hers. He wasn’t very supportive of her song and this obviously hurt her feelings. Then, he proceeded to stonewall her attempts to communicate, and he tried to go to bed without resolving their differences – the opposite of what my book, How To Be A 3% Man, teaches. He asks my opinion.
This email is a great example of what not to do to make your woman feel heard and understood. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
As you may have heard me say, especially those that have read 3% Man, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. And so, in this email, you’re going to see an example of what not to do and why this creates problems. Oftentimes, when I’m doing emails like this, it’s the woman that’s stonewalling the guy and being difficult, uncommunicative, and this guy is actually the one doing that.
His fiancee behaves in a way as a woman when she doesn’t feel heard and understood feels. Now, granted, they’re both not perfect here, but he’s creating unnecessary drama and unnecessary problems. Again, I don’t know how many times he’s read my book, I don’t believe he says in his email, but this is such an important point.
When I’m doing phone sessions with guys that are in long-term relationships, it’s two issues – and I’ve done tens of thousands of these over the last close to twenty years that I’ve been doing this – they don’t communicate properly so she feels heard and understood. And the other thing that guys do in long-term relationships is they stop dating and courting their girlfriend or wife. It’s always one of those two issues, or it’s a combination of both of them. And this one is definitely a communication issue. I read this, and it’s easy for me to see it, but he’s in the middle of it, so it’s kind of hard to see when you’re in it and you’re emotions are attached.
I just had a bad experience with my fiancée, and I’d like to know your advice on the matter. She is a musician and asked me about a song of hers, and I gave her my honest opinion.
One thing that’s always important, and this comes right from the video I did years ago called “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” before you start giving advice, ask “Do you want me to listen, or do you want my opinion or my advice?” It’s always good to ask that. And so, he’s giving his honest opinion, but we don’t know if she was looking for his honest opinion, or if she just wanted to talk and feel heard and understood.
I point that out because it’s such a key issue. Because, nine times out of ten, as a man, when you assume that she’s looking for your opinion or your advice, that’s when you get, “You’re not listening!” He’s like, “What are you talking about? I’m right here.” So, it’s important to make the distinction.
I told her I don’t think she should release it because the lyrical content is inappropriate for her audience. Then, I went on to say that she should choose her audience and basically keep her music homogeneous, in message at least (her music covers many genres).
As a creative person, you’re supposed to be her teammate. The purpose of all relationships is you go there to give. Love is about giving. Love is an act. It even says this in Scripture in the Bible, for those of you that are Christian and know the Bible very well. Love is an act. Just like your kids, especially when they’re young, you have to do everything for them. And so, it’s the love that you have for your children that continues to cause you to love them, even though they do things that make you want to jump out of your skin at times. But you do it because it’s an act. That’s why you’re in the relationship. And so, the idea is you’re there to help each other grow and become more.
And the reality is, as a creative person… because I make videos, I write books. I’m on my fourth book now. The second book of quotes is now coming out. It’s available everywhere. This is the hardcover version of “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations – Volume II.” And what’s interesting is, as a creative person, whether you paint or you make things – in my case, I do videos and in the emailer’s fiancee’s case, she makes music – there are times that I’ll do a video, and it just doesn’t internally feel like things are flowing. I’m like, “Oh, that sucked, it was horrible. It was a terrible video. I should just delete it.” I feel that way, and I’m like, “They’re not going to like it.” And then, I’m on a time crunch. It’s like, “Fuck it, I’m just going to release it.” And then, there will be other times where I’ll do a video and I’ll feel like, “Man, that was amazing. I really felt like it I was on. I just feel like it flowed through me.”
And what’s interesting is, oftentimes, the one that I didn’t enjoy, didn’t like the best, or didn’t feel it was my best work, people love that video. But other times I’m like, “Man, that was awesome. They’re going to really love it,” and they’re just kind of like, “Eh.”
What’s interesting is my engineer that I record all of my audiobooks with, and obviously the latest series, (he worked on all four of them), he works with a lot of musicians and he said the same thing. A lot of musicians, when you really look at the history behind their albums, there would be songs that became the number one songs that the band had, some of their best hits, yet they were songs that nobody in the band liked, they didn’t like performing, and they didn’t even want to put them on the album. But the people that were listening to it, that were engineering the album were like, “No, it’s a good song. You need to leave this in.”
And so, as a creative person, at the end of the day, whether you paint, or you draw, you make music, you write, you run your mouth on video like I do, every day you get up, and you’ve got to do your best work. What you did yesterday doesn’t matter. It matters what you do now. Like, this particular guy is in a relationship with a woman who’s a creative person. And maybe he doesn’t understand that, maybe he’s not a creative person himself, but at the end of the day, you’ve got something that’s inside of you that you need to get out into the world. You just need to release it and put it out there and see how the audience responds, good or bad.
Every time I do a video, or I come up with a book, or write an article or an Instagram post, I get instant feedback, good and bad. I get all kinds of hate, get lots of love as well. But, at the end of the day, you put it out there, some people are going to love it, think it’s amazing, and other people are going to think it sucks ass. You can’t get attached to your praise, and you can’t get attached to the people that have negative things to say about you. And so, the point being , like for the emailer, if you’re in a relationship with a woman who’s a creative person, you want to encourage her to do that.
And so, the right way to phrase it, it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it. You can say, “Honestly, I’m not really crazy about that song, but hey, what do I know? Throw it against the wall and see what happens. Maybe your audience loves it, and maybe they hate it. But either way, you’re going to get feedback. I love you. I think you’re amazing anyway. I think you should throw it against the wall.” But he didn’t do that in this case. He’s telling her she needs to fit in a box, so to speak, and and be a certain way.
From her perspective, she’s wanting to share her gifts, what’s coming internally. And think about it, if that was one of your kids, “Oh, I really think that song sucks.” I mean, if you’ve ever watched documentaries on bands, there’s a lot of people in bands and their parents thought they were nuts. Lynyrd Skynyrd was the recent one that I saw. Some of those guys, their parents weren’t really supportive of what they were doing, because they were spending so much time, and they were getting older, and their careers were not taking off or anything.
Same thing, I remember when I quit my job at Centex Rooney to get in the buy, fix and sell business and started a real estate company, my dad wasn’t supportive of that. He didn’t think it was a good decision. And my father in law was like, “Oh, it seems kind of risky.” So, my inner circle of people were weren’t going, “Oh, I think it’s great. Go for it.” They were like, “Eh.” And what you need more than anything, when you’re doing creative endeavors or you’re starting a business, you need the people in your inner circle, your teammates, to be supportive and encourage you to do that. Not to get too wrapped up in your praise, but also not to get demoralized or have your feelings hurt by people that talk shit about you.
The idea is, if you’re a creative person, no matter what you do for a living, you put your best work out there, and let the chips fall where they may, and try to get better, each and every day. That’s it. Just try to get a little bit better.
This was very upsetting for her and it became increasingly difficult to continue the conversation with her, as it turned more and more into an argument/debate.
So, if she’s asking, “What do you think?” she’s really looking for encouragement, because she probably had some doubts. She probably had some doubts about the song as well, and you basically said, “I don’t think it’s a good idea. You shouldn’t do that.” You could have asked the question, “Do you just want me to listen, or do you want my opinion or my advice?” She probably just wanted to talk, just as a sounding board. But you don’t know, because you didn’t ask those questions, and it didn’t say in your email either. I just look at the reaction, and her reaction is not a good one. She doesn’t feel heard and understood, and she’s upset. And you’ll see why in a second. As we get a little further in the email, you’ll go, “Ahh, okay, makes sense.”
I tried to end the conversation, but she continued to talk about it, and finally I left the room to go to sleep and she then followed me into the bedroom and continued the conversation.
Does that feel like a woman who’s heard and understood to you? Or does that feel like a guy going, “This is over. I’m leaving. I’m no longer going to communicate with you, because you’re not worth it. You’re not worth my time to communicate. I’m tired. I’m going to go to bed.” Couples that stay together, they don’t do this fucking shit. When you look at studies of couples who have been together for many decades, when there’s a problem, they’ll stay up all night and talk it out. And this guy is going, “I’m going to bed. Fuck this.”
I told her I understand how she feels…
Yeah, that’s a platitude, that’s bullshit. “I understand how you feel, but I’m going to bed.” She didn’t feel heard and understood, dude. That’s why she wanted to continue talking.
…and that I was only trying to give her advice to help her.
But was she looking for advice, or was she just wanting you to listen? You don’t know because you didn’t ask.
Then, I told her I was ready for bed and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
You just cut off the conversation. Couples that are going to last and work out, they don’t cut each other off. They stay up all night if they have to.
I said ‘I love you’ and ‘goodnight’ and began to read my affirmations.
Elvis had left the building, obviously. That’s going to piss her off, man. Because what you did was you made her feel like she wasn’t important enough for your time, and you made it feel like you really didn’t care and you didn’t really want to understand where she was coming from. And just to say, “I understand how she feels,” it’s like, no, you don’t. That’s why she wanted to continue talking. When a woman feels heard and understood, she’s like, “Oh, I’m so glad we talked. I feel so much better. You’re the best boyfriend. You’re the best fiance ever.” That’s what you’re going to get. Not happening here.
She then got very triggered and said she was not sleeping next to me, as she grabbed her pillow and blanket to head to the other room, (something she’s done many times).
In other words, something you’ve done many times, making her not feel heard and understood. When a woman feels heard and understood the legs open. When she doesn’t, the legs close. So, the legs were closed. She went to the other bedroom.
She also got nasty with me saying I will never accomplish the things on my list and swiped my hand away when I tried to turn off the light. She has gotten nasty with me in the past but never this severely.
She doesn’t feel heard and understood. I’m not saying that swiping your hand away is a good thing to do, but the point being is she’s getting angrier and angrier. What’s behind anger? Always fear. Fear of what? Our two primary fears are fear that we’re not enough, in other words, we don’t have what it takes – a creative person, a musician, feeling like she doesn’t have what it takes – or fear that we won’t be loved and accepted.
She obviously didn’t feel loved and accepted, so of course she’s going to be fearful. She’s doubtful, doubting herself. She came to you for reassurance, and you made her feel worse. And then on top of that, you communicated she wasn’t worth your time, it wasn’t worth it. You were tired, you were going to bed. You didn’t have time to stay up and listen to her. So, she went and slept in the other room, because she feels the distance is growing between you two. And so, that’s why she got even angrier. She’s afraid that her music’s not good enough, and she’s afraid that her fiance doesn’t care about her enough. That’s why she left. Good, bad, indifferent, I’m just bottom-lining the actions here.
We have been together for less than 2 years. She says that I am offering problems and not solutions. Do you think that I should have handled this differently?
Or is my fiancée just creating unnecessary drama?
Well, the fact that you didn’t make the proper attempt, you didn’t follow what was in the book, you certainly we’re not doing what I teach about making her feel heard and understood. So, the fact that you probably haven’t read the book 10 to 15 times, you’re the man, you’re the leader, you’re the head of the household, it’s up to you, dude. You’re supposed to be the leader. A leader leads from the front, not the rear, crying about it and saying, “Oh, my fiancee is a whack job.” That’s trying to absolve yourself from anything. Not that he said that, but even the intent was, “Is my fiancee a bad partner?”
Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So, on some level, he’s probably realizing he wasn’t being a good partner. Because women don’t act this way when they feel heard and understood. They’re all over you like a sucker fish.
Is my fiancée ultimately a bad partner?
It’s possible, but based on this one example you’ve sent me, you’re not making her feel heard and understood. And that’s your fault as a man, because you’re the one stonewalling her. You’re the one saying, “I don’t want to talk about it” and “I want to go to sleep.” “I love you. I understand how you feel” – that’s a fucking platitude. Your words and your actions, she knows you’re not congruent with it. That’s why she’s upset and she slept in another room.
Like I said, I would have handled it completely differently. But you’ve got to understand, she’s a creative person. She needs love and encouragement. And yeah, you can give her brutal honesty, but you encourage her to throw it out there and see what happens. You said yourself that “her music covers many genres,” so what would be wrong with her lyrics being inappropriate if she covers many genres?
At the end of the day, she’s a creative person, she makes music, so encourage her to make the best music that she can make and throw it out there, make a YouTube video about it, perform in front of her audience, and she’ll get instant feedback, good and bad. And that’s what you want her to do. The goal is to always try to get better, each and every day, get a little bit better. That’s it. And that’s what she needed.
She came to her her rock and her mountain for encouragement. Can you imagine if this was a little girl, this was your ten-year-old daughter, and she’s learning to play the guitar, and you’re like, “Oh, that sucks. Ain’t nobody going to like that. You don’t want to perform that.” And then she starts crying, and goes to her room. As a man, you don’t feel very manly when you make a five, six, ten year old daughter cry. It’s the worst fucking feeling in the world. And I speak from personal experience. Knowing that you made your little baby girl cry, it’s horrible. It makes you feel awful. And so, if you think about that, you in essence did the same thing. As an adult, you made your queen feel like she sucked. And on top of that, that she wasn’t worth your time to work things out. So, it’s just a bad way to go, my man.
If I were you, I would watch the video “How To Communicate With Women Effectively” a couple of times, and then sit down and talk to her and apologize. Say, “You know what, I thought about the other night. It was wrong for me to go to bed. I recognize I did not make you feel heard and understood and probably hurt your feelings. I probably hurt your feelings about your music, and we should definitely talk talk more about this. I’m really sorry I hurt you that way. I’m supposed to be your biggest teammate and fan and cheerleader and encourage you to get your musical gift out into the world. And when people love it, great, I’ll celebrate with you. When people say it sucks, or whatever, they don’t like it, I’ll console you.”
The idea is to get better. Take the friction, use it to get better. Because if she feels safe and comfortable to blossom in your home, she’ll be happier, she’ll feel more love, she’ll have more light in her heart, and she’ll produce better music. Because, at the end of the day, when you’re feeling really good, you make great music. But also, on the flip side, when you think about some of the best songs out there that have done really well, what are they about? Heartbreak, usually. And so, intense emotions are what make great music. That’s the important thing to understand.
So, encouraging your fiancee to experience positive, intense emotions, hopefully, she’ll make better quality music, versus when she feels like shit. But it’s also possible she goes and makes a song about how her fiance doesn’t support what she does, pours the pain into it, and it could be a good song. The point being is that I would have handled it differently, obviously.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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