Meeting, dating and picking up women is the easy part. The hard part is after “the object of your affection” has fallen in love with you, to keep her in love with you and maintain a great relationship. Men must master pickup skills, dating skills and relationship skills if they want to have effortless relationships with women. Men who are impatient and only want a quick fix or a pickup line, are usually unwilling to learn what they need to learn to get better. Therefore, they continue to fail. Since men are logic and reason-based, they often struggle when they move into the relationship phase with a woman. Why? Getting a woman to open up to you emotionally will only happen when she feels safe and comfortable, and that you will be a good listener and not try to solve her problem. Its more of an art than an exact science.
Once two people are in love and in a relationship together, they slowly reveal their dark sides. This brings up a lot of fear of loss because they worry the other person may leave the relationship once they discover all of their partners hang ups, weird idiosyncrasies and shortcomings. Most people tend to continually hold back as their relationship becomes more intimate and closer. The key for a man if he is entering into the relationship phase is to learn how to get his woman to open up to him emotionally. To get her to share all of her dark secrets, problems she had with a coworker during the day, her girlfriends boyfriend problems, the fact her mom pissed her off, etc.
In order for a woman to fall in love with you and stay in love with you, she must feel safe and comfortable and that you are strong enough and love her enough to break through all of her emotional barriers and love all of her. To love her when she cries. To love her when she is bitchy. To love her when she is sad, etc. It’s about loving all of her and making her feel so comfortable with you that she will talk about anything and everything without holding back. When a woman feels totally comfortable being herself around you, she will stop holding back and tell you anything you ask her. If she has a problem, you will be a good listener. If you think she wants your advice, you will always ask her first, “Do you want my advice? Or do you just want me to listen?” You simply show up and give her the love and support she needs in addition to creating a space where she feels safe and comfortable enough to spill her guts to you. When a woman does not feel safe or comfortable, she holds back. Your job as a man is to recognize this and know how to break down her barriers so she always feels safe and comfortable being herself around you, and does not hold back.
For a man to be strong enough to open his woman up emotionally is the ultimate compliment a woman can give a man. Why? So few men are able to handle and deal with an emotional woman. Since most men are uncomfortable with their own feelings, they try to avoid being around an emotional woman at all costs. It’s tough to do the right thing in a relationship all of the time. The key is to do at least 90% of the right things, so she stays in love with you long-term. The following is an e-mail from a phone coaching client of mine. He is in love with a woman who loves him for the first time in his life. You can tell he feels like a fish out of water. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
As you know, I am currently a ship sailing through uncharted waters with the relationship I have (There is a first time for everything. It’s the only way you learn.) I have a very astute sense for how a girl is feeling based on her actions and facial expressions. I have noticed her being a lot more stressed lately and detached. I know why. It is because she is having some major family problems that are affecting the way she feels. I tell her that she can vent to me and tell me what is stressing her even though I may know what it is. (This is good. Women resolve their problems and work through them by discussing them and talking about them, but not having the man trying to fix her problems.) It takes some coaxing, but as you direct in your book, I do not give up. She usually opens up eventually, she cries a little, (She does not yet feel comfortable crying around you to really let it rip… yet.) and I comfort her.
She has my love because I know she is an amazing girl, but she has been saying how the way she’s been acting lately has not been fair to me because of her detachment. She questions her ability to be in a relationship because she is unable to give me the kind of treatment I deserve. (When a woman in an exclusive relationship starts talking about breaking up, it’s usually because her interest level is dropping and she is considering breaking up with you. Review the interest level table that starts on page 120 in my book and make sure your girlfriend is doing and saying things that a woman who has 90% interest level and higher does and says. As long as she is really in love with you, then her comments about a breakup more than likely reflect a fear that you will break up with her because of her problems. In a way it is a test to see how much you really love her. Women know that if a man truly unconditionally loves them, he will love all of them. Including their dark side.)
I love her and know that this is a very hard time for her, and I want to be there for her. She says she doesn’t want to lose me and break up with me but feels unable to treat me fairly due the focus on her family issues. (Be her rock and mountain. When she starts to cry or if she feels like crying, but tries to hold back and not break down, you must encourage her to let it rip! Tell her it is okay. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her that you think she is beautiful when she is crying and that you feel honored that she feels comfortable enough around you to be so vulnerable and to show her genuine emotions. Hold her and encourage her to tell you and express exactly what she is feeling without trying to solve a problem. Be a good listener.) I want to stay with her to help her as I feel that’s what love is and know that deep down she wants to be more for me, but I am a bit lost on what I should do. (This is simply another fear barrier you must break through. Remember what you are looking for every time your girlfriend gets emotional or expresses the pain that is inside her. She will say, “I feel so much better now! I’m so glad we talked! Etc.” until you hear those magic words that communicate she is finished expressing herself and working through her own problems by talking about them with you, keep digging.)
Do I let her pull away from me or do I pull her closer? (You don’t chase her, but you are always her rock and mountain. Just like a little girl runs to daddy and sits in his lap when she is upset or needs his love and support, when your girlfriend comes to you and she is hurt or upset, you simply need to take the time to open her up emotionally.) I care deeply for her and do not want to see her hurting. (Get used to it. Women are emotional beings. They want you to love their light and their dark side unconditionally. The mountain is always there. It is always strong and stands the test of time.) I feel like I should stick with her and help her as I know when this passes her personality that I fell in love with will be free to come out again. (It is always free to come out again if she loves you. If it is not, it is because you have not been digging deep enough and therefore, she does not feel safe and comfortable enough to open up and be more vulnerable with you than she has. She has been holding back. Your job as her man and her rock and mountain, is to be strong enough, patient enough and diligent enough to keep digging until she tells you how she feels so much better and is so glad you talked. When she resolves it, she will be her normal self again. You simply need to get her to open up to you more than you have in the past.)
All of the Best,
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them”-Jackson Brown