Why do women bitch? When a woman becomes bitchy to her man it usually means that she is upset about something. It could be that she is upset with him, or that she is simply upset about something else. A man who understands women has a highly developed sensory acuity that makes it easy for him to tell the difference between a woman being upset at him, or just being upset in general.
As I discuss in my article “how to communicate with women effectively”, the man who understands women knows how to resolve things with his girl when he does something to hurt her, and he also knows how to simply listen and help her talk about and express her feelings, instead of trying to solve her problem when just being a good listener is called for.
I got an e-mail recently from a reader who took a girl he has been dating for four months on a business trip/vacation after she had given him the impression she likes to rough it and camp out. Instead of spending time with a woman who is really appreciative of his efforts to show her a romantic getaway, he got stuck with a bitch from hell. Here is his e-mail:
Hey Corey. I hope you’re well.
I had a phone session with you a couple years back. I benefited a lot from it.
I wanted to run my current situation by you and see what you thought.
Just like you suggest in the book, I listed the things I wanted this time, and found a girl who (I thought) fit it exactly, down to the ethnic background, accent, looks, everything.
We got along great for 4 months, and I decided to take her with me on a business trip/vacation in Dubai. She kept saying how all she cares about is being together. Period. She made it sound like she doesn’t mind roughing it a bit, and was adventurous, just like me.
I found us a cabin in a small town in the desert. Pretty rustic, but again, she kept acting like she had the same tastes as me, and liked that kind of thing. I even told her the night before I flew her out to meet me that it was kind of rough, but she was all enthusiastic. She also said she wanted to be mostly vegetarian, and wanted to eta LENTILS.
So I get the key to the cabin, the lentils(lol what was I thinking), and some new sheets, and go to meet her at the airport and take her back.
She totally transformed from the nice sweet girl I knew, and all she did was complain. Constantly. About everything.
She hated the cabin. Didn’t want to eat lentils (lol I took it literally instead of understanding it was just a symbol of willingness to her). Hated everything. The worst was when she saw a scorpion in the bathroom and I came and killed it.
After that, I knew she couldn’t take it anymore, so I moved us to a 5 star hotel in the city, right next to this huge mall and lots of restaurants and shops.
I thought I did a good job of balancing her with being busy with my own stuff. I would go to meetings and meet friends, and I would also take her to different places, malls, parks, the ocean, she never knew the morning she woke up what to expect or where we would go.
But nothing changed.
She kept complaining. Being nasty and rude. Criticizing every little thing I did. Disrespectfully scolding me. And saying it was all because the experience in the “stupid shack” triggered her bad mood. I would remind her that that was over and we were now in a nice luxury hotel, but all she would do is open the door and walk away with her back to me and alternate between being busy doing nothing or scolding me like a child.
Finally I sent her home, in a loving way, hugged her in the airport etc, and waved goodbye.
Now she’s constantly texting me loving things from the UK. How she loves me forever blah blah blah.
Turns out she had a history of mental illness she never mentioned to me, and the psychologist said things trigger it out of seemingly nowhere. She says she is in the UK to reflect and get treatment so she can be with me, but that period I spent with her was the most stressful in my life.
I could really benefit from your assessment of what the heck happened and what I should do.
From the things you have shared in your e-mail I get the impression that you are being too nice and that your girl is treating you like a doormat. Something was obviously upsetting her and it looks like you failed to recognize this and do the right thing by getting her to talk about it.
I encourage you to re-read the latter part of my book that focuses on relationship and communication skills. I am assuming that it was not the mental illness that caused your girl to act that way, however, if her mental illness currently inhibits her from having mature adult relationships then I would definitely find somebody else to date and let her get the help she needs.
Another thing you want to focus on is that you never want to let anything a woman does diminish you. When a woman becomes bitchy, the best thing to do is to tease her and be playful. You come from a place of being determined to remain in a positive, resourceful and loving state no matter how much she protests or tries to push your buttons. When a woman says or does something that is nasty to you, you say “I love it when you are sweet to me”. You and her both know that she is being a total bitch to you, but when you say things like that with a smile and your best James Bond poker face that communicates all is well and everything is under control (even if she isn’t), you will keep your cool and be able to get her to talk about her feelings and what’s really bothering her. Most guys would get upset and frustrated and then try to argue and justify their actions or behavior which just pisses her off more.
Feminine energy takes the little things and turns them into big problems. Masculine energy takes the big problems and makes them small again and insignificant. This communicates his strength and his love for her. When done properly, this will cause her to relax, calm down and be her sweet, joyful and playful self again. If the situation is not resolved properly, she will become more upset, closed down and distant from him.
“We do not quit playing because we grow old, we grow old because we quit playing.”-Oliver Wendell Holmes