How To Regain Attraction After Acting Needy & Being Impatient

How to regain attraction after acting needy & being impatient with her effort level.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a guy who has been dating a woman for about four months. He tends to get upset and act very needy and neurotic when she doesn’t reply or respond to his messages quickly enough.

He’s having a hard time backing off and waiting for her to respond and gets upset way too easily. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this is an email that probably most of us can relate to because we’ve probably all done things like this when we didn’t know any better.

This particular email is from a guy who’s been dating a woman for about four months, and he tends to get upset, act very needy and neurotic when she doesn’t reply or respond to his messages quickly enough, but he’s having a hard time pumping the brakes, backing off and is just really impatient. He just takes it personally like it’s a personal violation if she doesn’t respond to him quickly enough. As a man, when you do this, especially you do it enough, it’s a good way to get ghosted because masculinity is calm.

Women are most attracted to confidence in guys. If a guy is just flipping out because she hasn’t texted him back within an hour or so, it just turns women off. Sometimes they’re going to do this on purpose, especially when you’re just in the talking stage and you first meet somebody, they might just leave you hanging or leave you on read for a while just troll you and see how you handle it.

If you lose your shit and you get upset because that’s a good way that women use to screen guys out there that, quite frankly, just don’t have their shit together, because masculinity is calm and these guys are the opposite of calm. They’re constantly getting upset. They’re constantly getting bitter. They’re constantly taking things personally because they’re terrified. They’re never going to hear back from the girl, and I think by getting mad, upset at her and lecturing her, that’s going to make her respond differently. All it ends up doing is causing them to chase her right out of their lives.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve been seeing this girl for a little over four months. Typical story of becoming needy and not knowing it. Things were absolute fireworks and we were both really into each other. Hooking up all of the time, she made lots of time for me, despite having three kids (She’s a 35-year-old widow and one kid is from before marrying the second man). She tells me stories about her late husband and how emotionally distraught he’d be with her lack of interest in his plans with friends, etc. (Basically hinting at, “Don’t be needy mother fucker,” but it went over my head).

Remember, women help you when they like you. So if they’re telling you about something that an ex used to do that they liked or didn’t like, they’re often complimenting you if it’s something they like because you’re doing the same thing, and if it’s something that they don’t like, it’s usually because you’re doing something that they don’t like. This is how women tend to communicate, is they use relational type of examples like this, and most guys, they don’t know any better. They want to rationalize and argue with her or try to win their point. This is how they communicate, how they’re thinking and feeling, and how your actions are making them feel and think.

She told me upfront she’s not a good communicator. I have acted needy as she pulled away, bent myself backwards, seeking approval, all that shit that’s a no-no, but subconsciously, she didn’t know what she was testing me, and I didn’t know what was going on. 

Well, most guys usually don’t. These are just the subtle ways that women are testing a man’s strength in order to see if they feel safe with the guy or not. If you lose your shit, you get upset, you’re constantly getting butt-hurt, angry and mad at things she’s doing or not doing, that’s not a calm guy. That’s not a guy that’s centered in his masculine energy. Women love a guy that is totally indifferent to these things. He just figures, “Hey, she’s busy. She’ll get back to me when she can. She got three kids,” whatever happens to be. “Maybe she’s taking care of her elderly parents.” You can’t let this stuff upset you.

Dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and the quicker she hits it back, the more interested and engaged she is. The slower she is to hit it back, the less interested and engaged she is. It’s not something to take personally. It’s just something that you can use as evidence to tell how she feels about you, because at the end of the day, the most important thing is not what a good dude you are, how handsome you are, or how much money you have in your bank account. It’s how what you’re doing and saying is making her feel. If you act masculine, she’s going to feel safe and become more attracted and reach out to you more, want to see you more. She’ll be more responsive. She’ll be more flexible. She’ll be nicer to you. She’ll be more concerned about seeking your attention, validation and winning your approval, and obviously winning you over, potentially for a long-term relationship.

The more you freak out, you inhibit and get in the way of that because you just make her not feel safe with you. If you cause a woman to feel like she’s always walking on eggshells because you’re going to lose your shit or it’ll send you into orbit, well you’re not going to be seeing her for very long because you’ll get a pullback. Usually when the pullback happens, especially insecure and needy guys really get upset about it because this is what happens when you don’t get enough strokes from mom and dad as a kid, and it’s helpful to understand how your parents doing a good job or a bad job affects your behavior in your adult relationships because you’re not so much reacting to the woman, you’re getting triggered by what she’s doing.

At the end of the day, you’re reacting to the love you didn’t get from your parents. So when you understand that, it helps you to kind of hang back, be patient and just learn to deal with this, learn to deal with the uncertainty of whether or not she’s going to reach out, but when a guy invests all of his emotional energy, puts all of his future hopes and dreams and that girl choosing him or liking him, it’s very hard for him to deal with it. It’s also very hard for him to pump the brakes like it is for this guy when she backs away.

She asked me to go to her 6-year-old’s birthday party for moral support because her in-laws of the late husband have never liked her, but I went, I showed a little angst but nothing too bad. I literally said, “Yeah, I don’t think I’m ready for this, but it’s good to build character by going through stressful situations.”

Well, when you say something like that, “Oh, I don’t think I’m ready for this,” you’re basically saying, “I can’t handle this.” That’s not calm. That’s not centered. You basically saying, “I can’t handle this situation. I can’t handle my emotions. I have no emotional self-control,” that’s the kind of thing that’s going to turn her off.

Again, these are the kinds of things you should only be doing and hanging out with her ex in-laws if you’re exclusive in a long-term relationship, not with somebody you’re just starting to date, because once she’s head over heels in love with you, if you act that way, it’s not going to be as big a deal as when you’re just kind of casually dating. If she brings you into a stressful situation and you can’t handle it, she’s going to lose attraction and respect for you.

You gotta, as I say in the book, if what you’re about to say or what you’re about to do is not going to make you look more masculine and confident, keep it to yourself. If you were stressed in this situation, keep it to yourself. You want her to think that you’re calm, cool, collected, this is not a big deal, but when you let her know that these things upset you and they’re disconcerting or you’re struggling with it, that’s not you being a rock or a mountain, that’s making you basically look like you’re weak. If you’re weak and they sense weakness, they’re going to pull away and they’re going to test more. Typically, the guys will spiral more when that happens.

The next day, I didn’t hear from her until early afternoon and I responded needy/calling her out, “Oh hey, I didn’t know if I was going to hear from you after I did an uncomfortable thing for you last night.”

So again, more, “Oh, I can’t handle this. I’m upset.” You’re basically acting like a woman that can’t handle her emotions and her feelings. These are not things that cause her to be attracted. If you’d have gone through that and it looked to her like you came through with flying colors, then when she asked you about it, you’re just very matter of fact even though you may have been freaking out inside, when you communicate to her and let her know that you are freaking out inside, that’s not masculine, that’s not calm. That’s you basically losing your shit and informing her that you really couldn’t handle it and you weren’t up to the task. It’s a good way to dry a woman up and turn her off and make her back away even more.

She didn’t try to break up with me, but she was not happy. Next, I was invited to join her for her ex/baby’s dad’s birthday drinks, I showed MUCH ambivalence to her before this was a huge turn off, she was not happy with me. After that, we went for a walk and she proposed ending things.

So again, this is as the book says, I think he’s coming to me after all this was going on. This is why you don’t do group dates. Especially in a case like this, you don’t hang out with her exes, in-laws and stuff like that, because you’re getting thrown into situations, and if you slip up, now you got everybody that you interacted with, her friend group, peer group or her family that is now going to work to cock-block you and tell her how they don’t like you and they think she can do better. Again, this is why the rules are in the book, to not do things like this until she’s head over heels in love with you.

I was calm, and I asked her to reconsider because these events were out of my comfort zone…

Which she would just basically reiterate that he couldn’t handle it. She got three kids. If you can’t handle being around the in-laws for a little bit, it’s like, how can you handle being a stepdad? How can you handle being the head of the household? You’re just telling her that you’re just an incomplete man and you don’t have your shit together. You’re supposed to be the strong one, and instead you’re just acting like one of the children.

…And I knew they were things that had to be done. She tried to compare those events to meeting my mom (What the fuck).

In other words, she basically saying, “Hey, I met your mom and it went great, but when you meet some of my in-laws, you’re basically telling me you can’t handle it.” Again, that’s why she said about meeting the mom. It’s the same kind of thing. How are you with her family and how is she with your family? It appears what she’s basically saying is, “Hey, I was good with your family, but you couldn’t handle being around mine,” and you made yourself look bad. Instead of her coming away from that beaming and thinking, “Man, I got a strong guy here. He can handle this stuff. He can handle a little bit of drama or the messy situation,” because again, her husband’s in-laws don’t like her. Then she brings a guy who can’t handle it, they probably didn’t like him either.

Recently I got upset that she wouldn’t come over one night and she blocked me, and went to a friend’s daughter’s quinceañera without me.

What is that, 15, 16?

We met the next day for her to break up with me again on a walk, and I begged like a little bitch.

So she’s dumping you because of the fact that you’re not centered and you don’t have your shit together. Then you beg and you plead, which just confirms to her that she made the right decision, that you’re a man-baby, and you can’t handle it.

She said she’d give me one more chance, but I would come last. She called me the next day because she had a spa day scheduled for us from weeks prior, so we met for that. I was cool, playful and we brought sushi back to my place and had very emotionally unattached sex. I told her I’d give her space. She called me the next day and we talked for an hour or so as boyfriend and girlfriend frankly.

Well, the phone is for setting dates. Again, you’re not in an exclusive long-term relationship with this woman yet. You’re just kind of casually dating, it sounds like.

Tentative Friday night plans, neither of us committed. My bad in hindsight.

Yeah, this is why you’re supposed to be direct, decisive and make a definite date. When you just leave things up in the air like that, that’s what women do. You’re acting like a girl. You’re supposed to be the leader. You’re supposed to make things happen, and you didn’t.

I waited five days, called her and asked, “Hey babe, I’m just getting to the office, but I wanted to say hi and see when you have time on your schedule for dinner and a movie?”  She said, “I don’t know.”

Well, she sounds excited to see him, doesn’t she?

I replied, “OK, give me a call when you figure your schedule out,” and she said “OK, I will.” I really care about this girl. She knocked my fucking socks off. I’m a part time trainer at the YMCA and she was a client. I knew her for five months before we started dating. 

I’m oscillating between, “I cannot stand not being on good terms with her” and “Just play it cool and wait her out.”

Well, this is your issue. I had the same problem when I was learning this stuff. It’s like, you just have to learn to keep your shit together, be a good poker player and have a good poker face. Even if you’re freaking out on the inside, you can’t show it to her because that’s going to turn her off. You want her to look at you and be like, “I got my Superman.” Instead, it turns out she got a Garbage Pail Kids, if you guys remember that from the 1980s.

My thought is to wait seven days until re-engaging about another date.

No, you shouldn’t be doing that. You hit the ball over the net, and you told her to get back to you when she figured out her schedule, but this is what the neediness does. You don’t want to wait for her because you’re terrified she may never reach out again and you’ll never speak to her. So you think, “Oh, I’ll just wait five days and take some time. Then when I can’t handle waiting any longer, then I’m going to reach out.”

The difference that makes the difference is indifference. You have to be OK with not hearing from her. This is what happens when women act like cats. You can’t freak out about it and try to force yourself onto her. You’re, in essence, contemplating running after her like somebody chasing after a cat that doesn’t want to be touched or petted anymore.

The quagmire of it all (To me, in my head) is that we’re technically still together, I was given another chance, but she needs space.

Well, she needs time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, and she’s got to see that you can be congruent with your words. The fact that you’re thinking about breaking no-contact and reaching out to her after she’s asked for space is just going to cause you to drive her away even more.

So this is your issue. You got to learn to deal with this. Go hang out with your friends, go see your family, go to the gym, do things without her. Hang out with your friends. You got to be OK with not hearing from her, because when you’ve been together for a long enough time and you’re out of the infatuation and the honeymoon period, that’s the way you’re going to be when she’s like, “Oh, I gotta do this. I gotta do that. I can’t see you for a few days,” whatever, you’re like, “Oh man, this is awesome! I get a few days of myself! I can clean up my garage. I can get caught up on some things, watch some football,” whatever happens to be, but you’re never going to get there if you’re fucking freaking out all the time.

Since we’re still in a relationship, is no-contact a good approach?

Well, don’t think of it in terms of no-contact being an approach or not. It’s the reason you typically go no-contact. Like in this case, she’s asked for space. When a woman says, “I need space,” she’s basically saying, “You’re smothering me. You’re obnoxious. You’re acting needy, desperate and clingy, and it’s a fucking turnoff. You’re drying me up.” So when you tell her, “Well, just get in touch when you figure out your schedule,” you have to be congruent with that, even if it’s two weeks, a month or whatever.

So at this point, you’ve hit the ball over the net. Obviously, if you don’t hear from her over 30 days, you’re clearly not with her anymore. Then you’re a free agent. Start meeting and dating other women, because if you don’t fix this with her, the next time you get a girl at knocks your socks off, you’re going to chase her away for exactly the same reason.

Or do I give her a call in a week and let that be her last opportunity?

No. You must be congruent with what you said. You told her, “Hey, figure out your schedule. Get back to me.” You can’t handle the silence because it’s been several days and it’s freaking you out. At the end of the day, you’re the one that pushes her away. You’re chasing her out of your life. If you don’t pump the brakes, then you’re going to cement it in her mind, most importantly, her heart, that you’re just a big man-baby and you don’t have your shit together. Therefore, she’ll say, “Oh, we can be friends. You could be my Harry Honda and mow my lawn and stuff, but you’re not going to get anywhere near the box.”

I’d say her interest level is a five at best at this point.

Yeah, I’d say it’s a five. If you don’t hear from her, then obviously it was clearly below a five, but it’s always best to underrate her attraction level.

She responds well when I reach out. I just don’t know the right blend of orbiting her? 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Have a great day,

Bob

Well again, you got to read the book, dude. Stop cherry-picking videos.

So at this point, you’re just waiting to hear from her. When she does reach out, assume she wants to see you, invite her over to make dinner at your place, hang out, have fun, hook up, live in the moment. Focus on one date at a time. Again, you got to be OK with hitting the ball over the net and waiting for her to hit it back. You’ve been barraging her with so much contact and so much unattractive behavior that you’ve turned her off to the point where she wants space to see if her feelings creep back up on her or not. If you keep barraging her because you can only hold out for four or five days or a week, you’re going to turn her off to the point where it’s going to cement in her mind that you’re better as a friend or as somebody that she used to know and used to date. So you got to become OK with this.

Every guy has to learn to deal with this and be OK with not hearing from her. If you grow up in a family where mom and dad filled your self-esteem bucket so full that the world can’t poke enough holes in it to drain it dry, this is a non-issue for you, but most of us that didn’t learn this stuff and didn’t have a perfect family at home, you got to learn this somehow, some way, because if you don’t, you’re going to make the same mistake over and over again. Which is exactly what I wrote about in my book. It wasn’t until I got into my late 20s, early 30s that the light bulbs started going off, because I used to behave like this. Especially when I was with a girl that I really liked that knocked my socks off, I couldn’t handle it if she didn’t respond as quickly as I thought. I would take it as a personal rejection and that’s what always happens with every girl I really liked, is that they would just disappear from my life and give me explanations that made no sense.

So again, dating is like tennis. Just wait to hear from her. Then when you do, just make the next date. As the book says, your job is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun and hook up. Nothing else. Pretty simple. You’re over-pursuing, and when you do that, you’re ruining the sexual polarity and you’re acting like a girl, and it’s going to turn her off and dry her up. So if you want to have any chance of her coming back and becoming attracted, you got to let her come to you at her pace and be OK with not hearing from her.

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