How To Stop Being Anxious About A Potential Relationship

How to stop being anxious about a potential relationship when you really like her.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email success story update from a viewer who shares how he’s mostly gotten over being anxious about a getting into a relationship with a woman he really likes. He’s getting better at finding the sweet spot between being too indifferent and displaying too much needy behavior.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this email is actually an update from a viewer whose previous newsletter I answered a little while back. He was really having a hard time keeping it together. He obviously really likes this girl. So when that happens, when we’re dating somebody we really like, we really haven’t basically gotten to the point where we’ve mastered the balance between pursuing too much or being too aloof and too indifferent. So the hard part is dealing with your own intrusive thoughts. Because remember, we have two primary fears: Fear that we’re not enough and fear that we won’t be loved. If we’re driven by our fears that often as us guys, we tend to fall under. Like I talk about in the book, The Illusion of Action, thinking we have to do something to get the girl to like us more, even though he may already have a date or it’s usually the guy gets tripped up because usually things start out pretty hot and heavy. Woman’s calling, texting a lot, and then all of a sudden she’ll back off a little bit. Maybe they spend a bunch of time together over the weekend and he notices her enthusiasm is not there and he thinks there’s something wrong. “I gotta fix it.” So he starts calling more, texting more. She starts to back off a little bit because it kind of comes off as a little needy. The more she backs off, the more he pursues until he just starts to spiral.

So we’re trying to prevent the spiraling because the number one strength characteristic women love in men is confidence. If you go into an emotional tailspin or spiraling and you freak out because she hasn’t responded to your text in two hours, or maybe you were going back and forth and all of a sudden she just stopped replying, and now it’s five hours later, you can’t freak out about those things. Women will do that just to see how you react because they like to troll you, to see what you’re made of. You got to keep your composure. But it is hard, especially for the average guy that’s dating what he considers his dream girl, or a woman that he initially feels like is kind of out of his league. Maybe every time he dated somebody that made him feel that way, they always disappeared and he never could figure out why. Whereas the women he’s not that into, he doesn’t really do anything and they’re all over him.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach Corey, 

Thank you for all the work that you do. I’m writing in to send you an update on my last email. I’ve been following your work for a few months now and it’s made a world of difference. Still listening to the book at double speed despite having gone through it at least 30 times.

Well ideally, if you’re going to listen to it on two-speed and you should be following along with a digital or physical copy that really helps you commit the information to memory. But when you get into a jam like this emotionally, where you’re dating somebody that is super hot compared to what you’re used to, and you really like her and you don’t want to screw it up. It’s hard to keep your composure together, so knowing the book backwards and forwards so well, you could teach a class on it. Helps you to kind of lean back on the material, even though internally you might be feeling like you want to jump out of your skin.

The woman I wrote about has started telling people I’m her boyfriend.

Well see, they do that on their own. You will be assimilated. They start to possess you like the Borg from Star Trek.

Also, the man she met with for drinks before our date is in a relationship and she has set up a double date for us to go on together.

So the other thing is, I don’t know where they live, but he says culturally it’s very normal for women to hang out and go to happy hours with male colleagues, not so much one-on-one, but just in a group. I don’t remember the exact context of his previous email because it was a while back, but she seems to have a lot of dudes or male orbiters.

So at the end of the day, she’s still on probation. We don’t know what she’s like in a long-term relationship and things are early, so she seems to really be into him, as you’ll see as we go through this. But what happens when they’ve been together for a year or two? What happens when maybe he gets too busy with work or he’s not paying attention? Or maybe they have a kid together and he’s not as attentive as he once was because he’s not trying to get her. Then what happens with the other male orbiters? Does she still keep him at arm’s length, or does she start hanging out with them? That’s what we don’t know.

She’s not meeting with men who are single but she does grab a happy hour (which is big in the culture where we live) with guys from work who aren’t and are potentially advantageous to her career.

Well, at the end of the day, if a man wants to hang out with your girlfriend one-on-one, he’s advantageous to her career and your girl’s hot, he’s probably thinking he wants to smash. So if there’s other colleagues there, that shouldn’t be an issue. But if she’s going to happy hour late at night or dinner one-on-one, that’s just not appropriate. No guy wants his wife, “Hey, where’s your wife at?” “Oh, she’s out for drinks with her boss. Oh, she’s out with the boss. They got a VIP table at the nightclub. You know, this big company hour thing.” “Well, why didn’t you go?” “Well, I didn’t get invited.”

A woman who’s a family-oriented woman is just not going to be doing that stuff, culturally or not. He says it’s in his culture. But again, if a woman’s in a relationship, even if a guy is married and she’s hanging out with him, it’s just inappropriate. If your parents go out and they know you got a girlfriend, they know your girlfriend, and they see your girl at 9:00 at night having drinks with some dude one-on-one, and they’re laughing and having a good time, any normal person is would be like, “It looks like they’re on a date. Hey, I saw your girlfriend last night with some guy.” “Oh, that’s just her boss.” It’s like, “Wow, they really seem to be having a good time together.” “Oh, he’s good for her career.” I’ll bet…

So you got to pay attention to those things. It’s fine, again, if there’s a group, but when it’s like one-on-one, that’s just inappropriate because the guy is going to think he’s got a shot. And most dudes just don’t give a shit if that’s your girlfriend or your wife, they don’t fucking care. They want to get in their pants. They don’t give a shit. They’ll go for it. Again, if you’re with a family-oriented woman, she’s not going to put herself in those situations. Maybe the guy drank too much and starts vomiting his feelings.

Afterwards, she always attempts to set up a double date between all of us and in some cases she’s meeting with people who would be advantageous to my career as well and for that purpose.

Oh, social climbers.

She also almost always invites me to come with her. In the one case she met with someone who turned out not to have a girlfriend she made it clear she had a boyfriend, immediately told me about it, and agreed she wouldn’t be meeting with him like that again without me even having to mention it. 

Well again, so it is happening. She is hanging out with guys that turn out to be single, and it sounds like they’re shooting their shot. It’s nice that she’s telling you about it, but if she’s continually going out and hanging out with dudes one-on-one and then they make a pass at her, it’s like, come on! Come on, do you really want to put up with that?

She’s also cut off her male text orbiters.

Well, under normal circumstances, as she falls in love with you, those will just fade away anyways because the guy will realize she’s always with you, and she won’t want to talk to him because she’s always with you and she wants to be with you. If you’re applying what’s in the book, that’s where she’s going to be. But then again, what happens after the honeymoon period? What happens when you slip up?

This has been a slower progression but she is very open with her phone and is clear about people who have overstepped.

So there’s plenty of dudes overstepping. In other words, they’re shooting their shot. And at least for now, she’s going. “I have a boyfriend.” Well, what happens when she’s not so happy with you? Is she still going to do that and figure she’ll work out whatever your differences are with you? Or will she start accepting these invitations? That’s the thing. You don’t know. You got to get through the honeymoon period. This is why it’s best to date for two or three years before you move in together, you get married, or anything like that so you can really know what you’re dealing with.

She tells them clearly I have a boyfriend and makes it known she is not interested in anything other than friendship.

Again, why does she have to have these conversations in the first place?

She also tends to agree that these relationships should be generally one-sided unless it pertains directly to something she has to do for work. I said it’s fine to be cordial but friendly is a step too far. She agreed.

The change came when I stopped worrying about outcomes…

Because at the end of the day, it’s her job to convince you to be exclusive with her. So she’s got all these dudes that she’s hanging out with business wise. She’s got male orbiters. It’s up to her to show you that they’re gonna be in the rear view mirror, and she’s not going to be accepting all the invitations that she used to accept. So again, because that’s what you give her, you give her your commitment. Provided she adheres to your boundaries, she’ll either respect them or she won’t.

…So much and just focused on having fun.

That’s why the formula says hang out, have fun, and hook up. Remember, you can be the best boyfriend in the world. If she’s a low character person and if she’s unhappy, maybe you guys are going through a rough patch, she’s going to be giving other guys the green light to hit on her. That’s the bottom line.

So say things are good for the next year or two, and all these guys fade away. Then two years from now, you’re not as attentive as you once were, you’re not having as much sex and life gets in the way. Then what happens? You start hearing these guys names pop up. All of a sudden now she wants to go out for drinks again, whereas before she wasn’t doing that. Again, that’s how you’ll know. Because when she’s really happy and in love, she’s going to be totally devoted to you usually and faithful. But again, what happens when you’re outside the honeymoon period? So you got to keep your wits about you.

I let her do all of the relationship talk and make sure to really listen when she starts telling me what she thinks and feels. 

I still make mistakes but I’m typically able to recover quickly and get her attraction level back up. We spend almost every day together, pet names, lots of I love yous, she’s constantly sending texts even when I don’t respond for hours at a time because I’m at work.

See, that’s all good, and that’s all fine and dandy. This shows she has a high level of interest that he’s getting her to the nine out of 10 on the attraction scale from the book, the chapter, It’s All In The Numbers.

She’s even asking if I plan to move to our international office which is right across the street from where she’ll be living and working in September. I said it’ll be interesting to see how things play out and that if I want to I definitely can but it would ultimately have to make sense for me if I did.

It the right way to think about it. You’re not moving there to please her because she wants it. You would only be doing it because you wanted to be there.

If her attraction ever seems to dip I’ll match and mirror and let her ramp back up again. 

I still struggle a bit with being a little too indifferent in moments and admittedly a little too needy in moments but largely things have progressed in a direction I’m happy with. 

Well remember, if a woman’s always chasing you and pursuing you and doing at least 95% or even 100% in most, most women will let you get away with it because they’re always going to call and text you two three times a day anyways, FaceTiming you, calling you, messaging you. They want your attention all the time when they’re in love. But again, what happens when you’re out of the honeymoon period? You’ve been together a long time and you’re used to it, and you start to take her for granted a little bit, or she starts to take you for granted. Then what?

Coach you’ve changed my life and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your work. Whether things work out long term with this woman or not, with your help, I now know I will be able to attract and keep the next one that comes along and rocks my world.

Thanks, 

Bob

Well remember, as the book says, women got to know if they push you too far, if they push your boundaries, disrespect, whatever happens to be, that you’ll walk and never look back. They have to know that. And this, really getting to the place where, “OK, I got this girl to fall in love with me and I can pretty much read her like a book at this point, and I can keep her there.” But it requires discipline. And if for some reason it doesn’t work out, maybe I get caught up in a year or two. I’m not paying attention like I was. I don’t feel the same way I did past the infatuation and honeymoon period and she all a sudden starts spending more time going to happy hours and stuff with these dudes and the male orbiters start reappearing. Then you’ll have your answer. Then you can move on with confidence because, “You know what? I’m not going to try to fix this girl. I’m vetting her. And for a long term relationship, marriage, family, yeah, I don’t like how she behaves,” because if she does it while you’re in a relationship, whether you’re living together or just dating, she’ll do it when you’re married and even worse. Then it’s a lot harder to eject from those situations.

So take your time. Vet a woman carefully. There’s no mad dash to the finish line. She’s got to be the one to convince you. Why you should put all your eggs in her basket and be exclusive with her.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.