Finding out that your girlfriend or wife is cheating on you is never something that is fun to discover. The number one most important thing that women find attractive in a man is confidence. The number one most important thing to men in a relationship is loyalty. As I teach in my book, you should always keep a woman on probation when you first start dating her to make sure that she is a good woman and has integrity before you get too emotionally invested in her.
However, when you meet a woman you are so attracted to, and you have so much chemistry, we tend to become completely blinded to reality because of our high interest level. We will ignore her little white lies or half-truths because we desire her so much. It’s not until months later when we find out she is not being totally faithful, that we start to remember all of the little red flags that were there, but we ignored them because we were blinded by our own high interest level.
Time, practice and dating a lot of different women are the only things that will help us put a governor on our hearts so we do not get involved with the wrong kind of woman. It’s only after you get stung a few times, that you learn to be a little more cautious before you fall in love, instead of letting yourself fall head over heels in love the moment you meet. You will still feel the strong feelings, however, you won’t let yourself get emotionally hung up on a woman when you see the red flags pop up.
If you are needy, insecure and unsure of yourself with women like I used to be, it really is difficult to remain objective when you fall in love with a woman for the first time. I have found that it is only when we are able to look back after a relationship has ended, that we finally admit to ourselves that we ignored all of the red flags that were always there. People don’t change. People only become better versions of themselves. Women who are dishonest and cheat on their boyfriends or husbands, will always do this no matter who they are with. Why? Being honest and faithful simply goes out the window when women like this feels like the future of their relationship is in doubt.
Most attractive women always have 3 to 4 guys in the background they can go out with and sleep with when they have nothing else going on. Women always move on faster after a breakup than men do. For these women it is always helpful to have plenty of backup in case it does not work out with the guy they really want. These women are simply protecting their heart, and it does not bother them to be disloyal when it comes to protecting their heart. They simply like to have a backup plan to help them recover quickly from a breakup.
safe and comfortable that the relationship will work out. Good women will simply be The only thing you can really do when you start dating a woman is to present yourself as her best option, but always pay attention to her actions. Women who tell little white lies about stupid things, have a habit of being dishonest, devious and deceptive. They will tell you that they are not talking to a particular guy anymore, and then a few weeks go by and you find out she’s still talking to this guy. When women do this it is a sign that they do not feel completely cautious. Devious women will lie to your face because they are simply protecting their heart. Only with time, practice and dating enough women will you learn to recognize the signs so you can get out early before you get your heart broken.
I dated a woman like this once. I thought I would be different. I was wrong. She would cheat on her boyfriend when the future of their relationship was in doubt. When I started dating her, she was still dating him even though she had originally told me it was over. Two years later when she became doubtful of our future together, she started hanging out with one of her guy friends who she claimed was, “just a friend.” She became angry at me over something stupid and brought this guy over to a family get-together to rub him in my face and basically let me know that he was going to be my replacement if I did not fix things. By that point, although I loved her, I walked away. It hurt like hell, but I had to cut her loose.
The following is an e-mail I got from a phone coaching client of mine. He is in love for the first time, but he is totally insecure that she may cheat on him or leave him for another guy. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
Had a bit of bad discovery today. I noticed a text from a guy when my girlfriend was on her phone. I had gotten a bad vibe on this guy to begin with and felt something off. I let my curiosity get the best of me when she wasn’t around and looked at her phone. (You should never do that! That communicates weakness, neediness and insecurity. You communicate through your actions that you do not think you are worthy of her. This will lower her interest level in you. Keep it up and she will leave you for this other guy or some other dude. You must continue to do what has made you successful with her to this point. It looks like you have either gotten lazy or complacent, or because you are in such a fearful place you are making unnecessary mistakes. Are you dating her, being mysterious and making sure she is doing 70-80% of the calling and chasing? If not, then you need to back off and get back to the basics.)
They text fairly often. He keeps requesting her to come meet up with him, and at one point requested a “risque” pic of her. She would always tell him she couldn’t meet up and never responded to the pic, but continues to text him (What? She texts him first? Or is she simply responding to his texts? Don’t be so vague, this tells me nothing.) In one of her texts which I know I was with her at the time, she said she was with her one friend Mike, who seems cool, and “other friends”, not mentioning her boyfriend aka me. (I’m starting to think that you are blinded by your own high interest level in this girl and have not been paying attention to her actions. I think you are overrating her interest level in you and are basing your decisions, your words and your actions from a fearful place. You have become so fixated and obsessed with her cheating on you, that you are actually pushing her way, making mistakes and causing her to not feel comfortable and safe. Last week she was mentioning breaking up because of her family problems and how it was not fair to you. Women usually say those kinds of things when they want you to break up with them. You may be smothering this girl with your neediness and seeking her approval. During our coaching calls, you never have much to say other than everything is going well. I can’t help you properly if you are not forthcoming with what you are doing and what you are saying; and what she is doing and what she is saying. On our coaching calls, you tell me everything is fine, and then you send me e-mails like this. The time to bring this stuff up is when we are talking, not in multiple lengthy e-mails in between our coaching sessions. I think you have been bullshitting yourself and bullshitting me a little bit about how well things are going.)
I don’t know what to do. I feel really weak for looking but also justified. How do I approach her about this cause she will know I looked in her phone or do I? (If you tell her that you are snooping in her phone, she will think you are being dishonest and do not trust her. This communicates neediness. Act weak, and you will push her into another guys arms. Do everything right and she may still cheat on you. You must be more honest and forthcoming with the details of what is going on in your relationship. Blowing sunshine up my ass during your phone coaching session, and then sending me e-mails like this a few days or weeks later is not helping me to help you. I only know what you tell me. I do not think we should wait until next month for your next phone coaching session. Let’s move it up to next week. Shoot me some days and times you are available. Make sure you show up for the phone coaching session on time instead of missing half of it by being late.)
Really lost right now.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Honorable people do what’s right even when no one is looking.”-Corey Wayne