I Asked For A Break. She Dumped Me A Week Later. Will She Come Back?

What you can do if you got dumped and are unsure if she will come back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has known about my work for 10 years, but only started taking it seriously and reading 3% Man, 6 months ago. He was in a long distance relationship with a female friend he converted into a girlfriend. He asked for a break and then she dumped him a week later. He was waiting for her to come back, but it looks like that’s not happening. However, he feels incredibly guilty dating other women and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “I Asked For A Break. She Dumped Me A Week Later. Will She Come Back?”

Well, this particular email, this guy says he’s known about my work for ten years, but he only started taking it seriously in reading 3% Man about six months ago. And that’s usually what happens with most guys. Especially you guys have been following me for a while and you’re familiar, you got great results. How many of you bought The Book or told your friends about it, and then you realize maybe one out of ten, one out of 20, even cracked the cover to take a look at it.

It’s just most people will not do anything about this until they’re in pain. And so this guy, obviously, once he was in some serious emotional pain, he thought after ten years of knowing of my work, he thought, okay, I’m going to start reading The Book now. So he was kind of in a long distance relationship with a female friend that I that I guess he had known for many years.

He converted her into a girlfriend and then at some point he asked for a break and then she dumped him a week later. And now he’s wondering if she’s going to come back. But he’s kind of noticing that the more time goes by, she’s drifting away. So he’s decided to stop waiting on the sidelines, waiting for her to come back. And now he’s starting to date other women but he feels really guilty about that. So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I hope you’re doing well. I’ve known about your work for ten years now, but I started really getting into it after my long distance relationship went sideways six months ago.

You know, when I first was writing my Book and doing research, marketing research, what I realized is that 95% of the self-help books, in other words, who buys self-help books on dating and relationships? Well, back then, 95% of it was women, and only 5% was dudes. Because us guys tend to be very egocentric and especially around this type of topic. I know when I was really young, I was embarrassed about it. I didn’t want to tell other people about it.

I remember carrying around Doc Love’s book, and I had it folded up inside something else, because I was worried about what people would think if they saw me walking around with a book like that. So that kind of a microcosm is why a lot of guys just won’t do it. They feel embarrassed or ashamed. They don’t want to admit that they aren’t very successful. And so they’ll just keep flailing around. But when they get in real serious pain is when they’re kind of open to it and they’ll go, okay, I’ll read this book then.

Since then, I have listened to the audiobook 7-8 times.

Well, that’s a good start. So he’s highly motivated. He has an emotionally compelling reason why he’s doing it, which is obviously his girlfriend and him, their relationship is on the rocks.

As a backstory, the previous woman I was with—Jessica—and I were close friends for years after being colleagues in our first job out of college. During that time, she opened up about her feelings to me, which I did not reciprocate at the time since I was getting over a different woman. After that, I moved around the world for two years, while we stayed in close touch.

Eventually, we decided to start dating after my job was going to take me back to the same region in the US as her. Despite our long friendship, the dating experience was rocky—she had difficulty articulating her feelings, and her treatment of me seemed to sour as time went on.

So she lost interest. She lost attraction. She lost respect. And at the end of the day, if her interest is high, they’ll stick around. And if it’s not, they start looking for looking for the exits. And as a man, you got to figure out what you’re doing and saying to cause her to feel less attraction to the point where she doesn’t want to spend time with you. In The Book there is a chapter, it’s called, “It’s All In The Numbers”. And so the first six to eight pages of that chapter give you a detail on a scale of 1 to 10, what women do when they’re in love versus when their interest is, say, a five out of ten on a scale of 1 to 10.

And so if you’re aware of that, if you’ve read The Book enough times, then you can kind of see as her interest starts to go down. And that’s the kind of thing that will make you pay attention and realize that you’re slipping up somewhere and you need to get refocused. Usually on dating and courting her properly. Making her feel heard and understood. Spending quality time together, that kind of thing. Hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Where most guys go wrong in long term relationships. And I see I see this over and over.

I mean, again, I’ve been doing this 20 years now is that they stopped dating and courting the girl, and then they don’t make her feel heard and understood. And if that goes on for long enough, typically beyond 6 to 12 months, your girl is going to start looking for the exits. It’s just a fact of life. Women want to be in a love story, and they only really care about how they feel about you. Not what a great guy you are or how handsome you are, or rich you are, or how nice your cars or your house are. The bottom line is how strong are her emotions towards you?

And what are you doing to keep her emotions elevated? Because it requires work and effort. Just like staying physically fit. You choose what you put in your mouth. You choose to go to the gym. You choose to do cardio. You choose to run a few miles, or you choose to be a couch potato. But as Jocko Willink says, “Discipline equals freedom.” So you must be disciplined even when you don’t feel like it in order to get and keep the things you want in life.

On my part, I became increasingly excited about being with someone who genuinely liked me for so long, not paying enough attention to the fact that her feelings seemed to no longer be where they once were.

So this is a common mistake that guys make, is they focus on their feelings about the girl, and especially in this case, he just noticed that she’s souring on him. So he’s doing and saying things that are turning her off. But since he knew about my work for ten years but never bothered to pick The Book up, he didn’t know what he was doing to turn her off until it was pretty much too late. Once he realized things were getting really bad, that’s when he kind of picked up The Book and started going through it. But by then the damage was done.

And when you’re in a flat spin or a relationship death spiral at that point, and your feelings are all up in a bunch, your stomach is turned and tied in knots. It’s hard to do more things right than wrong. It’s hard to take corrective action. That’s why it’s much better when things are going well to read The Book. Fill in your knowledge gaps so you can completely avoid those things. But we know that most guys are just not going to do that until, like this emailer, are in serious pain. Or they’re like, “okay, I’ve been following this guy for ten years now. I need to take it seriously.”

Right before I moved, I asked to take a break.

Whenever you ask a woman to take a break, you’re basically putting into the relationship, you’re putting it out there that you’re thinking about breaking things off. Sometimes guys will suggest something like that in order to get the woman’s attention and think, hey, you threaten to break up with her, and that’ll get her to change her attitude and change how she’s showing up. Well, she’s already looking for the exits. And you do that. You’re like, wow, that makes my work pretty easy. Because women will often make you miserable enough, to the point where they hope that you break the relationship off with them. In this case, it looks like she was already looking for the exits and he just made it really easy for her.

Which resulted in her dumping me a week later. Since then, we have been in absolute No Contact for 6 months—however, from private social media, I’m certain she has deep regrets over the experience. Indirectly via private social media, I’ve also demonstrated my openness to reconciliation.

Well trying to communicate on social media that you’re open for a reconciliation is not the way you go about it. Because in this case, you suggest a break which communicates to her that you’re thinking about breaking it off. Then she actually goes ahead and blows the relationship up. And if you want to stay together, you got to let her know. Just like I discussed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Which is why I don’t want a permanent breakup. I just wanted to take a week or two to think about things and see where we’re at, and take stock of life. Again, you should never suggest taking a break to a woman.

That’s like starting the breakup process. And again, guys that do that typically are doing it because they’re trying to use the threat of a breakup to get her to change her attitude or change the way she’s showing up. It’s one thing to say, well, if this doesn’t change, then we’re not going to work out. But when you’re like, hey, I want to take a break for a couple of weeks and I’ll get back to you. And then after a week or two or however long it was, he took a break. Well, in this case, it was like a week later, she’s like, yeah, I’m out.

So he made it easy because he could tell her interest was waning and since he never bothered to fill in his knowledge gap, he just kept making the same mistakes until he talked to her, texted and acted in ways that just caused her to no longer want to be with him. And so if she wants to leave but you want to stay together, you don’t try to keep somebody in your life that doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. You just simply say, “well, I don’t agree with you wanting to break up and end our relationship, but it takes two to tango.

And if you don’t want to be my tango partner anymore, then, well, I guess we had a good run. Call me if you change your mind.” And then you never call. You never text for any reason. No birthdays, no nothing. Just like it says in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Basically, that person is dead to you. Because if they’re the ones ending it, even though he kind of started it, he just wanted a temporary break. But she made it permanent. And if she’s the one making it permanent, then she’s got to be the one to realize that she made a mistake and come back to get another chance.

And if she reaches out later after that, you assume she wants to see you. You make a date at your place in the evening to make dinner together, hang out, have fun, hook up. Not to make dinner for her. I’ve seen some emails lately where guys are inviting girls over and telling them, “hey, I want to make dinner for you.” No, no, no, no, no. The whole point of getting together and making dinner is to do it together so you can have fun in the kitchen together, and it facilitates touching and physical interaction and playfulness. Because usually what happens in the middle of making dinner, making dinner gets paused so you can bump uglies and then go back to making dinner. It’s nice to have a dessert first before dinner sometimes. But if you’re making dinner for her, it’s like you’re putting on a performance and she’s just sitting there watching you. You’re trying to make it easy to where the two of you can interact physically. So physical touching just is a natural consequence of that which can lead to seduction. That’s the whole point.

Now in my new city, I clicked with a woman in my friend group here. For two-three months now, while it was obvious my ex regretted our breakup.

Well, at the end of the day, you still haven’t heard from her, so you’re making assumptions. But maybe she because you guys have been together long enough and she knew you long enough that even though it hurt, she really wanted to move on with her life. Because women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, they voted for you. And if you’re stalking her social media and she’s talking about the past, but you she never reaches out in six months have gone by. Well, again, she’s making no effort. And the other thing that’s super important is if you’re in a situation like this, this is why you want to be reading The Book and applying it with other women. So you get better.

So say month seven, she’s like, oh, what have I done? Or she goes out on a few bad dates with new guys and it doesn’t work out with them, or they treat her really badly and she starts missing her ex-boyfriend and then she reaches out. You want her to find a confident, cockier, fitter, more in shape, a guy with better game and a better understanding of women. So when you start interacting with her again, she finds a completely different, better version of you that she’s going to be really attracted to versus kind of the guy that she broke up with. In this case, six months before.

And so you should be doing these things to become a better man, to make yourself not only attractive for her, but attractive for other women in general. And if you’re applying what’s in The Book and you’re seeing the things that are in The Book show up in your life and in the real world and in the other people around you that you observe, then that’s going to make you more confident, and it’s going to give you more swagger. It’s going to make you more playful. It’s going to make you more certain of yourself, which are all things that attract women. And so if she does come back, it’s like she finds a completely different version of you, a much, much improved version of you.

Because if you don’t practice with anybody, if you don’t date anybody, if you just read The Book and then 6 or 7 months later, she comes back, then you’re still the same guy, nothing’s changed. And you will quickly turn her off for the same reasons that you turned her off the first time. So either way, as a man, you always focus on your mission, your purpose, your life’s work. And that includes becoming a better teammate and relationship partner. So if she does come back, or maybe another girl you dated in the past shows back up unexpectedly or you run into her, you want to be better. A better, more improved, more attractive version of you. So it makes things easier. And the more your personal life goes better, the easier your professional life is going to go. Because life is hard enough. We want things to be easy and effortless, not a pain in the ass and difficult.

And like this guy found out despite the fact he knew about my work for ten years but never really bothered to study it. It wasn’t until his relationship was ending that he realized that he needed to make some changes. And so he has been reading The Book. He’s been through it seven, eight times, which is about once a month. I mean, the reality is, if you put the AudioBook on 2X and you follow along in the digital physical copy, you can get through it in four hours. And so especially you guys that are in a breakup situation, is that you need to get this information in your brain as quickly as possible. Because if a girl comes back a few weeks or maybe a month after breaking up, you got a short window to improve yourself.

And if you got a couple other options, you add a couple girls to your practice squad. It’ll help you not be needy, neurotic, desperate, overly compliant, soft and squishy where she can push you around and walk all over you and treat you like a doormat. You’ll be more inclined to set and enforce healthy boundaries when you have other choices and other options. But if she’s the only thing you got going on in your life and you and you haven’t seen her for six months. You’ve been reading The Book, but you haven’t interacted with one woman. You haven’t been on one date, you haven’t kissed another girl. You haven’t done anything, and then she comes back, you’re going to be basically exactly the same.

Now in my new city, I clicked with a woman in my friend group here. For two-three months now, while it was obvious my ex regretted our breakup—I’ve held off asking this new woman on a date.

Well, that’s definitely a mistake because again, the idea is repetition is the mother of skill. As the late, great Aristotle said, “Excellence is not a singular act, it is a habit. You are what you do repeatedly.”

In the last month though, the trickle of signs from my ex have started drying up, and I can no longer justify sitting on the sidelines. I made a date with the new woman.

Good for you, dude. That’s what you need to be doing. Because like I talked about in yesterday’s Members Only Video Newsletter, to borrow a phrase from Trump. He said, “there’s nothing like first rate pussy.” It will completely change your attitude when you’re suffering over something that didn’t work out. And then the hottest woman you’ve ever seen comes walking by. It’s a complete attitude change. You completely forget about the other girl, and you’re just focused on this new beauty that is magically walked into your world. Because oftentimes if you’re practicing this stuff, you might find somebody you like better, who you click with, who’s easier going, easier to get along with. And then if the ex comes back, you might not be so inclined to want to jump back into a relationship with her.

Despite being dumped, I feel incredible guilt about moving on from my ex.

This is what happens when you don’t have a lot of experience, and obviously you’re a good guy and you’re holding out hope. Probably because you, like most of most of us, saw too many Disney movies where it’s meant to be. It’ll be, and you’ll just live happily ever after. But in the real world, you have to focus on being the most attractive version and competent version of yourself. This is what helps you to attract and keep the women you want in your life. So no matter what, as a man, you should always be trying to evolve to the next level, to grow, to become a better version of you.

You don’t want to just say, well, this is it. This is my life, and I’m not doing anything else because that leads to complacency and laziness and taking shortcuts to success. And that makes it really hard to maintain things in your life, especially your intimate relationships. But like I said, I felt the same way. I’ve talked about this just the first few times applying the Kiss Test on dates with girls, then you notice, Holy shit. She looked at my lips. Now I’ve got to kiss her and I’m in a room full of people. And you haven’t done that enough. It’s kind of scary. So you try to avoid it. Why? Because it’s uncomfortable.

That’s not your comfort zone yet. Because you don’t have enough experience. And this guy clearly doesn’t have a lot of experience with other women. And so he feels like he should be committed to somebody that I mean, quite frankly, he broke up with six months ago. It’s been over for a while, but if you haven’t dated enough, that’s just kind of natural. So you got to get out of your comfort zone. As Tony Robbins would say, “your comfort zone is where you’re most uncomfortable.” In other words, you need to get to a place where you’re consistently feeling uncomfortable because that’s how you’re going to grow.

And so as you grow and as you date new women and you sleep with new women, you’re not the sting and the burn of the ex that didn’t work out. The emotional charge on it is going to become less and less, and it’s going to become diminished over time. So it has less of an effect on you that helps you be calm, relaxed because masculinity is calm. Feminine energy is chaos. And if you’re not calm, it’s going to be really hard to deal with women who just naturally bring chaos because that’s what makes masculine energy grow is to challenge us, to challenge us to be more, to do more, to be better, to get outside our comfort zone and do things that feel kind of scary and unnatural at first.

Despite being dumped, I feel incredible guilt about moving on from my ex who was the most important and consistent person in my life for years.

That’s why. So your whole identity was wrapped up in this relationship with this girl. Because all the years you spent with her, and since you didn’t have a lot of experience with other women, you only got a handful of them, then it’s going to be pretty scary for you and you’re going to be attached to what was. But as the old saying goes, “one is no choice. Two is a dilemma. Three is a proper choice.” So this guy should get at least 2 to 3 other women in his life, excluding whatever happens with the ex. She could be the fourth one potentially.

Because if she comes back and he’s talking to and dating and maybe hooking up with 1 or 2 other women and others are in early stages of dating. He’s not going to be in such a rush. He’s not going to be needy. He’s not going to smother her. He’s not going to be seeking her attention, validation. He’s going to take the time to be selective and be more of a challenge so she has to work to earn him back, which is the right place that she needs to be. And emotionally, she’s going to enjoy that a hell of a lot more anyways.

I still love her, and want her to be happy—unfortunately, I suspect she fell into a self-sabotage, depression hole, but so far has not dug herself out.

Well, it’s not it’s not your job to fix or to save her. Two people come together to share their completeness, not to complete one another. You’re looking for somebody that’s happy. That’s whole. That’s complete. Ready, willing, able and open to dating. Somebody that’s taking care and done the work they needed to do. So they could be a good teammate and partner. And it doesn’t sound like she’s done the work on herself that she needs to do. And it’s not your job to fix her or to save her. You’re looking for a teammate and an equal, not a fucking project. It’s not your job to be her daddy. It’s not your job to undo the fuck ups that her parents did.

All of my guy friends affirm I’m doing the right thing by moving on.

Sounds like you got some good guy friends.

As I believe as well. But man, it sucks to let go.

Looking forward to your advice.

Thank you,

Bob

Well, this is a right of passage. The more this happens and the older you get, there will be plenty more like this. This is just the way life goes. But you’re young. It’s new to you. But take it from a dude that’s 55. It’s like it gets, all breakups suck. Not a single one have I enjoyed in my life. But the more you go through it, you realize eventually better comes and you get over it and life moves on. And as you get better, your life gets better and things get smoother. But it’s just part of life. You gotta grow from experiences like this.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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