What you should do if you catch your girl flirting and sending nudes to another man.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who lives with his fiancée of 13 years, whom he has children with, and they run a successful business together. He stopped dating and courting her and making her feel heard and understood a long time ago.
Recently, he caught her sending nudes to a dude in another state she met at a family wedding. Things are ice cold between them, he hasn’t read my book yet but wonders what he can do to turn things around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Like the book says ,3% Man, if you don’t date and court your wife or girlfriend, eventually some other guy will. And so, he wants to work things out, but part of his problem is he’s still ain’t ready to read the book yet. I don’t know how long he’s been following me for, but if this guy expects to have any chance of saving his relationship, he’s going to need to learn the fundamentals, because he’s displaying a lot of unattractive behavior and he’s not doing anything to facilitate intimacy being rebuilt.
I know a lot of guys that come to me are in some kind of a similar situation, especially if they’re in a long term relationship or it’s a guy that started dating a girl for a few weeks or a few months and then boom, they get friendzoned or “I’m confused” and the girl backs away. Then he goes into panic mode wanting to fix it, and that’s typically when they come across my work.
I feel this is an important topic and may be an issue a lot of other guys have experienced. First off, yes, I wish I would have read your book five years ago, but I am starting it now.
So, I’m assuming maybe he found out about me five years ago.
I’ve been going crazy over here the past couple months. I started listening to your videos and now podcasts religiously after searching get my ex back.
So, it’s only a few months and he’s been following me.
Quickly getting into it: we had been together for 13 years and have lived together 12 of them. My fiancée had become a bit distant over the past couple of months.
Well, the thing to keep in mind is, with women, you’ve got to facilitate them talking. Women, typically on an average day, say about 8,000 words. Us guys, we tend to say about 2,000 words. So, women are natural talkers, and us guys just simply need to facilitate that. And most of the time, just listen, get them to talk. Acknowledge what they’re saying every few minutes, or maybe repeat some of it back to them. Let them know you’re listening. But this is important.
Men who care will listen. Even when she’s talking about inane, obnoxious things you have zero interest in and you really don’t want to listen to it, you’ve got to just facilitate her talking. Because as she talks, she’ll feel better, she’ll feel like you care. Because guys that don’t do that make their women feel like they don’t care. And if a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and if she doesn’t, the legs are going to close, because she just feels like you don’t care.
We have been arguing…
Well, men who understand women don’t argue with them, but he’s arguing.
…and just felt loss of connection over the past months as well.
Probably the arguing was instigated by him, because he’s complaining he’s not getting sex or things aren’t going well, and you can’t use logic and reason and demands to make a woman want to sleep with you. You’ve got to make her feel heard and understood, and you’ve got to spend quality time with her. You’ve got to take an interest in her life. Even when she talks about crap you really don’t want to listen to, because all women do. But hey, that’s what you sign up for. If you don’t like it, date dudes or be single.
And not a lot of effort had been put into the relationship and has been sort of on cruise control, running the business we have and handling children.
So, you guys basically became roommates. And there was no sexual polarity because you’re not leading the relationship, you’re not dating and courting her. You’re not making her feel heard and understood, and she feels like you just don’t care. And you can only do this for so long. Every woman has a breaking point. They just get to the point where she’s complained enough, she’s said the same thing over and over, nothing changes, and eventually, she gives up.
And then she goes to a wedding and meets some random dude who actually wants to take the time to listen to her, and hear her stories, and hear her talk about whatever garbage that she wants to talk about. Because he’s fascinated and interested, and obviously he wants access to the box. And there’s lots of guys in society that don’t care if she’s married, or in a relationship, or has a fiance, or has a ring on her finger. They don’t care. They want access to the box.
The business has been slow and has caused some strain on the relationship.
Well, inaction breeds fear and doubt, taking action breeds confidence and courage. And I would also encourage you to read “Mastering Yourself,” because the stuff I’ve learned about business and life, my whole business model, what I do here, it’s all in the book. So, help yourself out and learn some business skills to help your business and get back on track. Focus on your mission and purpose. But first and foremost, you’ve got to read the book, dude, “3%, Man.” Come on. If you’re serious about turning things around, you’ll read the book, and if not, you’ll half-ass it, and eventually you’ll find out she’s sleeping with somebody else. And that’s your future.
She feels I don’t listen to her suggestions, and didn’t want to fix anything, didn’t listen to her until the relationship was broken, which is partially true…
No, it’s totally true, dude.
…because I didn’t think it would get her here.
Yeah, you can’t just ignore the woman that you live with, and have kids with, and a business, and a house, and have been together for more than a decade. That just doesn’t work. Eventually, she’s going to dip out. Eventually, some other guy will come along and start dating her. And that’s what you’ll see here in a second, is she started some kind of an emotional affair with a guy who just simply makes her feel like he cares.
I had a feeling something was off, but I never had any reason to question it before. I looked at her phone one night and saw she was talking to a guy. Even pictures of her topless. Arrgh, nightmare! I woke her up and said, “Who’s this?” She said she met him at the family wedding, which was in the Midwest and we are in California.
She let me know they only met and didn’t do anything there.
As far as you know.
And her family would have told me, I’m really close with her sister.
Well, that’s assuming that the family knows. Those kinds of secrets women usually can be pretty good at keeping. But they’ll hint, they’ll drop innuendos to absolve themselves from guilt.
But she said she felt lonely and depressed, so she reached out to him weeks after she came home. I was devastated.
Like I said, if you don’t date and court your girlfriend or your wife, eventually some other guy will. And that’s what happened. She’s trying to get your attention, and you just constantly ignored her like “no, no,” and argued with her, probably complaining you weren’t getting any sex, no happy finishes.
We have two children, a business and a house together. I’m so upset she would risk blowing all that.
Well, dude, you’ve ignored her for God knows how long. What do you expect is going to happen? She’s just going to sit around and be your roommate in a loveless, sexless relationship? Is that a good example to set for your children? Is that what you want your kids to grow up and emulate? Come on, man.
She says she wants time and space, and I’m pretty sure she’s still in touch with the guy.
She probably is.
The only thing keeping me sane is he’s a 5-hour plane ride away. We still live together but in separate rooms.
Well, I hope you’re sleeping in the master suite. Because if you moved out of the master suite, well, you’re the one that’s kind of ending the relationship. And since you’re the dude writing me the email, I assume you want to stay in your relationship. A man never leaves his castle. He doesn’t leave his home, he doesn’t leave his master suite. If the woman wants to leave and not work on the relationship, she can go sleep in another bedroom, and the whole family, and the kids especially, can wonder why that is. And she can explain that to them. You don’t move out of the master bedroom, but he didn’t say. All he says is they’re sleeping in separate rooms.
And she wants to go cohabitate as, even if we sell the home, she doesn’t have resources to move, and I can tell she doesn’t want to ask her family to help get a place.
We still both cover hours at the business separately and of course take good care of the kids. I’ve been going out having drinks with friends when we have free nights away from the kids, and some nights I crash at my parents’ when I go out.
Sounds like you’re really trying to work on your marriage or your your relationship.
When I came home late, I noticed she locked the garage door, which we usually keep open, so I think she was mad I may be at a woman’s house. She mentioned that’s what I may be doing.
So, she’s starting to get the impression that you’re screwing around on her, which is understandable. How is this helping your marriage, or your pending marriage?
I have expressed over the past couple months she’s the one I want, I want to mend things again, and I love her.
Well, one of the first things you need to start doing, whenever you come home from work is like, “Hey, babe, how was your day?” and just shut up and listen. “What else? Tell me more. Oh, and how did that make you feel? What happened next?” Get her to talk. Get her to emote, because that will make her feel like, “Wow, he actually cares what I have to say.” At the end of the day, you live in the house with her, you have a business with her, you have children with her, you have a house with her, and you’d rather just come home and be a zombie, so she’s going to text this guy in another state? Come on, dude, seriously. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. It takes two people to make it work.
I had shown needy behavior due to fear of losing her in the beginning, and I was smothering her. Which, of course, is not attractive. I would go in her room and lay next to her at night. She wouldn’t kick me out but wouldn’t hold me or reciprocate.
Well, I wouldn’t be doing things of that nature. It’s like, the seduction process, what’s the formula? Hang out. In other words, create a date. You could get a babysitter and make dinner together. And while you’re hanging out, have fun together. That means talk, get her to open up. And then when she’s playing with her hair, and touching your arm, and punching you playfully – because you’re busting her balls about something and you’re having a good time together – she’s exposing her neck, she’s standing extra close next to you in the kitchen, then you can put your arm around her slowly and then kiss her and reciprocate. That’s when you escalate things.
But you would know that if you read the book, which, still, you haven’t. And it’s been many months you’ve been following me, and you still haven’t read the damn book yet. Do you want to save your relationship? I look at your actions and all I see is you’re half-assing it. Pretty low standards. That’s why your business is probably suffering as well.
She says she’s not in a place to want to get back together.
That shouldn’t bother you. You should not be perturbed by that. She lives in your castle at the end of the day. Again, I hope you’re sleeping in the master suite, and if you aren’t, you need to move back into it. And if she wants to move to one of the guestrooms, she can.
Part of me thinks she’s in a mid-life crisis.
No, You stopped dating and courting her, and you don’t make her feel heard and understood. These are already things that you’ve already revealed to me in your email. And this is like 99.999% of the guys that have problems in their long-term relationships. They do the same things that you do.
A big complaint women have about guys is, “They were romantic at first, and then after we were together awhile, they just stopped.” The guys think, “Hey, I won her over. I don’t have to do this crap anymore.” It’s like, no, the courtship never ends. You always have to date and court your wife. It’s part of the process. It’s how you show her that you care. And if you don’t do those things, then eventually, she starts to recognize that you really don’t, because your actions don’t reflect a caring man. You’re acting like a roommate.
One of our neighbor friends is recently single and an unstable alcoholic, and she goes out with her on occasion, which our family and friends even know she’s bad news. She was at her house when the first message was sent to him, and I don’t like the influence she has on her.
Well, that’s up to you. You’re supposed to be the rock and the mountain. So, number one, the first thing that you need to do if you really are a man and your balls have actually dropped fully, is you need to get a physical or digital copy of my book, and then you need to get the audiobook and put it on 2-speed. And you can get through the book in 4 hours. If you get through it just one time, that will dramatically help you, and the light bulbs will go off, and you’ll start to see what you’ve been doing wrong.
Trying to cherry pick from videos ain’t going to work, dude. It’s not going to give you sustainable success, simple as that. You’ve been following me four or five months and you still haven’t read the book. It’s like, come on, dude. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. Ain’t nobody coming to save you or fix your relationship.
Of course, she is an adult and makes her own decisions. The last couple of weeks I have kept my distance, besides watching some of our favorite shows, and being with the kids, eating dinner, etc. Last night I caught her checking me out while on the couch, maybe because I haven’t put up any effort to pursue. It’s been two weeks since I’ve removed any attention towards her besides day-to-day needs.
Again when you get home, “Hey, babe. How is your day? Tell me about your day. I want to hear.” You have made the classic blunder that pretty much every guy that comes to me, having problems in their long-term relationship, which is you’re not dating and courting her. I don’t know when that stopped. It seems like a long time ago. And you no longer make her feel heard and understood, and she’s even told you as much.
And on top of that, you’re arguing with her like a douchebag, because you don’t have any clue what you’re doing. Don’t argue with your woman. It’s not going to make her want to sleep with you, or have sex with you, or feel close to you, or want to be intimate with you emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
I’m on the verge of saying, “If you don’t want me, then it’s move out time, so I can get someone that values what I have to give.”
No, you’re not there yet, dude. You’re kind of being a bitch, and you need to learn the material first. You need to give your relationship a chance. I mean, you did write this email. It’s time for you to man up and take control of your life and your destiny, become a man, maybe for the first time in your life. Go to the gym, work out, get refocused on your business. Start hanging out with her when you see her.
That doesn’t mean you smother her, but when you come home just say, “Hey, babe, how was your day?” Get her to start talking, and she should be doing 80-90% of the talking. You should also watch the video that I did, “How to Communicate with Women Effectively.” It’s only like, 10-15 minutes long. It really help things click. But you’ve got to read the book. You’re not going to be able to fix this unless you learn the material.
It’s just shitty because we both run the business and would cost the business more to have it covered, and the housing market sucks right now.
What would be the master’s approach to this?
Well, like I said, first thing you should do every day when you come home, or you see her, or she comes in – maybe you come into your shift at the business and she’s there, and then when she comes home later – “Hey, babe, how was your day?” And get her to talk. “What else? Tell me more. Oh, really?” And just look at her body language. Look at her playing with her hair, maybe moving closer to you, bumping into you. Maybe you bust her – 90% of the time you’re the charming James Bond, 10% of time you’re breaking her balls about things, treating her like the bratty little sister. Simple things like this to rebuild intimacy.
If you see her staring at you, it’s like “I just caught you staring. Were you checking out my ass? I saw you checking out my butt. Maybe you should come over here and give a nice little squeeze. We’ll see what pops up.” Love is playful and fun. You’ve got to get back to having a good time.
The family that plays together stays together. So, when you’re hanging out with your girl and your kids, do fun things together. Maybe do some board games together, maybe play Monopoly or something like that. Monopoly is a great board game for the whole family. Make dinner together, play some monopoly, maybe play The Game of Life, which is another really cool game that you can play as well. They’re old school games, but they’re really good games. Or maybe Chutes and Ladders if your kids are really super young. You’ve got to do something to have fun with everybody.
And then maybe when you put the kids to bed later, you and your girlfriend or your fiancee can play naked Twister, whatever it happens to be. The bottom line is you’ve got to start playing together.
First and foremost, you’ve got to get her talking, because as she talks and you listen, which is basically what this guy in the Midwest is doing, he’s getting her to talk and he actually listens to her. And so, he makes her feel like at least there’s some dude in the world that cares about her or feelings, her hopes, her dreams, what’s going well, what’s not going well, these kinds of things. He’s trying to rip off your girl, and she lives in your house with you. It’s like, come on, dude. This is so easy to fix if you just participate in your own rescue.
And when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed, there’s a thing called the kiss test. Again, it’s in the book. I talk about it all the time. I’m sure you’ve probably seen me talk about it and explain it in other videos. When you see that you make a move, you learn the seduction process. Remember when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close.
So, when she feels like you care, because you actually take the time to see how her day was or what’s going on, and you work together, and you don’t argue with her, you don’t start fights. Even if she gets angry at you and gives you a dirty look, you tease her back, you make fun of it. You don’t take life too seriously. You don’t take yourself too seriously. Stop being an angry jerk and follow the principles, and it’ll be easy to turn this relationship around. It’s like, come on, dude, seriously. This is so easy to fix.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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