I Chased Her After Getting Dumped. She Says Maybe We Can Try Again In 6 Months

Why chasing a woman after getting dumped is the worst thing you can do to get her back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his ex-girlfriend after eight months together. He says his work/life balance was way out of wack and he was a mess and not focused on his purpose. He keeps chasing her and digging a bigger hole making things worse and looking very unattractive in the process.

Now she is saying maybe they can try again in six months once he gets his act together. He’s treating her like his mommy and emotional support human because he refuses to exercise self control. He asks how can he get her attracted to him again. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who was with his ex-girlfriend for about eight months, and he says he really wasn’t that into her at first, and she was really into him. She did like 95% of the pursuing. The last few months they were together, he said his work/life balance was just a mess. He said he wasn’t focused on his mission and purpose like he should be. He was displaying a lot of incredibly unattractive behavior. Then she dumped him.

What you see in this email is something that pretty much all of us guys struggle with when we don’t know any better, especially once we become aware of how our needy, unattractive behavior turns women off, we still have the impulse because we’re driven by our emotions to do and say things that even though we know it’s unattractive behavior, we do it anyways because we’re afraid. We’re afraid of losing the one that we love. We’re afraid that things won’t work out. We’re afraid that we’re not enough. Especially a guy that’s not focused on his mission and purpose in life like he should be, it just makes it worse. So it’s a good email to see the struggle. I mean, I struggle with it. I wrote about it in my book. It’s hard to do. It’s hard to back off because us guys, we’re driven to succeed. We’re driven to take action. That’s just natural masculinity, but when it comes to creating attraction with a woman, it’s our ability to be calm, cool, collected and hang back that makes us attractive.

What you’ll see is, as I go through his email, a lot of his behavior is he just lacks impulse control. Even though he knows what he’s supposed to do, he just can’t help himself, so he chooses not to help himself. He continues trying to pursue, continue to chase her. He’s basically in a place where he’s turned this ex-girlfriend into his mommy, his therapist and his emotional support human. He just can’t let her be, even though she’s like, “I need space. Let me be.” He just doesn’t do it. So now he’s in a really fearful state because he recognizes now she’s going, “Yeah, maybe we can try again in six months.” The reason why a woman is going to say something like that is because instinctively, women know that over time their feelings may change, and she’s even telling him to focus on what he needs to focus on and get his life cleaned up and get his act together because he’s showing up as a little boy that’s insecure, has no self control and is not taking care of the things that he needs to take care of as a man.

In order for a woman to feel safe, to submit and to be comfortable trusting your leadership, you have to be minimally competent. That means you got to get up every day and take yourself to work, or focus on your mission and purpose, whatever it is, and be disciplined. Men that are undisciplined and that lack discipline are guys that just do not make women feel safe enough to trust them, to risk a pregnancy, to potentially have to co-parent with somebody. If a guy can’t even take care of himself and get his life together, there’s no way in hell he’s going to be able to take care of her and children. So when you’re constantly a mess in your life and you don’t do anything to clean it up, and then you keep begging and pleading, all you’re doing is communicating that you’re an incompetent man. That scares women. It doesn’t make them feel safe. It makes them flee from you.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,



I have a question. I’ve made some mistakes regarding my ex.



Context:



Me and my ex were together for eight months. We had an intense and turbulent relationship as I was very hesitant for the first six months and went hot and cold a lot of the times.

It’s just a lack of discipline. You’re not a disciplined man. You’re not focused on your mission, your purpose. On top of that, you’re dating a girl you’re, quite frankly, not really that into. You only really seem to care once she did the rejection because rejection breeds obsession. So he goes from not really caring too much, to all of a sudden now when she’s the one that doesn’t want him anymore, now all of a sudden he’s like, “Oh, I really care about her. I love her. I fell in love.”

Then eventually I did fall in love, this was not the problem however, since she still did 95% of the chasing until the end. In the last three months of the relationship, my work life was in complete chaos. Without going into detail too much, I didn’t have my shit together and wasn’t on my purpose.

Well, that’s on you. Masculine energy is purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, overcoming challenges, being disciplined and handling your shit. If you’re not handling your shit, all you do is communicate to the outside world that you’re not a settled man. You’re like a little boy that’s yet to grow up. Women want a man, a teammate. Not a little child that they got to be the mommy to.

This and other things caused me to be completely out of my masculine energy. She obviously was not happy about this, but she still did about 95% of the chasing until the end as I never acted needy.

Well, you’re definitely acting needy now.

We agreed on mutual grounds that this wasn’t working at this moment, as I couldn’t give enough to her and the relationship. After breaking up we went on for a month as friends with benefits and then decided we needed to stop.

I would say that’s a bullshit statement. “We decided to stop.” I’d say she decided to stop, and you went along with it begrudgingly, but you went along with it. Guys do that a lot. It’s a cope and their emails, “Well, we mutually agreed to part ways.” No, you didn’t. You didn’t have a choice in the matter. That’s what really happened, but it softens the blow to their ego to say, “Oh, we mutually parted ways.” It’s kind of like the New England Patriots. We decided to mutually part ways with Bill Belichick. No, you did. You kicked him out the door. That’s what really happened.

It was all very mature and equal.



Yeah, right. I don’t believe that for a second.

Situation:



Now comes the bad part.

But wait, there’s more, Coach. It gets worse.

After two weeks I realized I fucked up. My anxiety kicked in. I’ve chased her on three occasions, meeting up with her. I’ve not begged, but I’ve been emotional and I wanted to fix things.

Well, you’re still groveling. You’re going to somebody that rejected you. As I discuss in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, when the other person, usually the woman, because women do the breaking up 75% of the time, when women kick you to the curb, then you feel like you got to get her back. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. She’s kicked you out the door. She unilaterally ended it, even though you claim it was equal, which I know is bullshit, and the audience knows it’s bullshit.

What happens is, you start pursuing her and chasing after her, which is the worst thing you can do in this situation, because she unilaterally said, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore,” and then you pursuing, calling, texting, wanting to get together and talk is you basically begging and groveling. “Please give me another chance, mommy. I can do better, I promise.” That’s the mindset. That’s the place that you’re really coming from, even though you try to cloud that in your email to make yourself look better so you feel better about the situation. This is all on you. You can’t solve your problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them, and bullshitting yourself and bullshitting me in an email is not going to help. You got to just rip the band-aid off. Let’s look at how bad things really were, and let’s be radically honest with ourselves. That’s what’s needed. If somebody unilaterally ended it, it’s because you were displaying a lot of unattractive behavior.

What you really need to do is focus on being a man again. Get back to being the guy that you used to be before you met. Hopefully you had your act together, I would assume, more than you do now, because it’s clear from your email that things really deteriorated over the eight months. Probably on some level, you realize that a woman wasn’t going to make you happy. Then when you realize that the woman wasn’t going to be able to make you happy long term, then you really stopped making an effort to fix yourself, fix your life and focus on your mission and your purpose. As I discussed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, she ended it. She unilaterally ended it. Therefore, it’s up to her to fix it. In that time, that’s why you go no contact, because she says, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. I don’t want you anymore,” so your attitude should be, “I want to stay together and work on it.” She’s like, “No, I don’t want to stay together.” “OK well, I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t agree with it, but if you don’t want to stick around, you don’t want to stick around. Give me a call if you ever change your mind,” and you walk away and you never look back, because that’s the strongest negotiating position.

You want sex and romance? She says, “No way.” So you don’t sit around trying to change her mind. You just go, “Well, I guess I’ll have to go find somebody else then.” Not that you tell her that, but that’s what you do as a man. If somebody doesn’t love you, value you, respect you and doesn’t want to keep you around, then you’ll go find somebody that does. That needs to be the attitude. That’s the attractive thing that a man would do. He’s not going to beg, grovel and plead, because that looks disgusting to a woman. You may see it in movies sometimes, but it don’t work in real life. Those movie scripts are written by dorks that can’t get any pussy, so they project the same fantasy. It’s like the same script over and over again. If you just chase, annoy and stalk her enough, eventually she’ll go, “Oh, what an idiot I was for not realizing I had the perfect person in my life the whole time. Let’s live together in bliss just like a Disney movie.” It doesn’t work that way in the real world.

These actions obviously came across as needy and low value, and I did not respect the space and time she asked for.

Yeah, when a woman says, “I need space,” it means you’re smothering her. It means you’re coming off as needy. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” She wants space, and you don’t give it to her because you’re driven by fear. If you’re driven by fear, you’re not calm. Masculinity is calm. You’re acting uncentered and uncalm. Quite frankly, you’re acting like a little insecure girl that’s going to dry women’s pussy up, drier than the Sahara Desert. That’s just a fact of life.

Women are attracted to masculine strength. They’re not attracted to men who act like little insecure girls and can’t get their shit together, can’t pay their bills on time, can’t hold a job down. You got to get your act together. Two people come together to share their completeness, not to complete one another. You’ve turned this ex-girlfriend of yours into your mommy, your therapist, your emotional tampon and your emotional support human. That’s not what she’s there for. She doesn’t need a child to take care of.

After we had not spoken for three weeks, we saw each other at a bar and I went home with her.

You created an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. You run into each other, you start talking, you go home together. There’s obviously still a connection there, and the fact you hadn’t spoken for three weeks, what happened? Her interest crept back up on her. That’s why she went home with you, and your job, like I discussed in 3% Man, is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched and kissed, just seduce her, which obviously you did very effectively that evening.

She told me she wanted me to fix my shit, and that her ideal outcome was we could reconcile the relationship in six months.



Now, keep in mind they were at a bar and they’ve been drinking. You’ll see why, a few paragraphs from now, that’s kind of important. It’s clear she can tell what’s going on. In other words, what she’s really saying to you is, “You’re not being a man. You’re not disciplined. You’re not focused on your mission and your purpose. You’re not even taking care of your life.” She doesn’t want to be your mommy. She wants an equal and a teammate. She can’t be your mommy and be the mother to your children when you act this way. It’s disgusting and repulsive.

Two weeks later, I fell into weakness again…

You didn’t fall into weakness. You chose to be undisciplined, and you chose to not exercise self control because you were driven by fear. Remember, this is the woman that asked for space. She unilaterally ended it. So what should have happened after you hooked up that night and you left her place, or she left yours is like, “Call me later.” Then the next time she reaches out, you assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to make dinner at your place, hang out, have fun, hook up. Pretty simple approach. It’s all laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. If you’re going to do the opposite of it, you shouldn’t be surprised that months have gone by since your breakup and you’re still in limbo. The problem is you’re vacillating back and forth between being masculine and acting like an insecure girl. That night at the bar was perfect. She hadn’t heard from you for three weeks, so her perception based on her feelings caused her interest to go back up because it felt like you were getting your act together, because she asked for space and for the first time, you were actually giving it to her. That’s why she went home with you.

…And asked her to meet up for coffee just to chat. She agreed, but did call me a couple days later to ask what my intentions were.

Again, this is all laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You don’t call and chase after somebody to ask them to coffee. If she unilaterally ended it, she must come to your place three dates in a row. To hang out, to have fun and hook up. As long as you hook up all three times, after that you can meet her out, pick her up and go out on dates, but she’s got to do 100% of the pursuing. It’s counterproductive at this point to pursue, and I would assume more than likely he didn’t hear from her for a couple of weeks and he freaked out and he’s like, “Hey, let’s get coffee.”

Just asking for coffee is a weak ass thing to do when you’re lovers. If you say you’re interested in sex and romance, you don’t ask for coffee to have a chat because you’re thinking that you’re going to say some magic words and she’s all of a sudden going to go, “What an idiot I was to let you go. Let’s be in a relationship right now and live happily ever after.” Again, you see that stupid shit in the movies all the time, but this is the real world. You’re once again begging her to pay attention to you. “Mommy, I need an attaboy. Tell me I’m a good boy and I did right.” It’s unattractive.

I told her just to talk, as things ended weird because of my behavior…

Again, he wants to continue apologizing for himself and remind her of how unattractive he was, which again, every time you interact with a woman, whatever you say, whatever you do, however it makes her feel is what she’s going to associate with being with you. The fact that you’re having this conversation, there’s nothing fun, playful and exciting about getting together with you. It’s going to be a fucking drag because you’re going to be whining. You may be crying your eyes out, “Mommy, pay attention to me. I’ve changed, I promise. Please give me another chance.” It’s not attractive. She told you to get your shit together. You should have just gotten your shit together, been going to the gym, working out, focused on your mission and purpose, hang out with your friends, hanging out with your family, but you didn’t do that. You held out for about two weeks, and then you caved and then just totally fell apart again.

…But also that I was not interested in friendship and hoped for the outcome she told me about.

“Oh mommy, please pay attention to me!” That’s the vibe you’re giving off, bro. It’s not attractive. The fact that you call her to tell her, or actually when she calls, you say, “Well, I’m not interested in friendship,” but then you ask her to a coffee date? That’s a platonic thing. If you’re interested in sex and romance, then your interaction should only be in a romantic and sexual setting. That’s why you invite women over in the evening to make dinner at your place, when they’ve reached out to you first. You’re completely ignoring what’s in the book, what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and you’re trying it your way, which is basically begging, groveling and being needy. All it does is undo everything you did right two weeks before when you met at the bar and hooked up, you held out for two weeks and then you once again communicated that you’re not calm, you’re not centered, and you just totally fell apart. That’s not inspiring confidence in her to you.

Remember what I said before about her saying, “Well, we could reconcile in six months if he gets his shit together.” She’s communicated, “You don’t act like a man, you don’t have your act together, you can’t pay your bills, you can’t hold down a job.” I don’t know what it is that was going on with his mission and purpose, but the bottom line is she’s pointing out and is well aware of that he’s incompetent. He’s been behaving incompetently. In other words, she says, “If you become competent again, I’d probably date you in six months.” That’s what she’s saying. The reason she’s saying six months is, quite frankly, she doesn’t have a lot of faith in you. She doesn’t believe you can do it. I mean, you held out for two whole weeks. If you can’t hold out for two weeks, how the hell are you going to keep your shit together for six months? What she wants to see is consistency, and all you’re doing is being consistently inconsistent. You’re vacillating back and forth between being a man and acting like a girl. So this is what’s interesting about the, “Hey, we can try in six months.”

She basically said she didn’t remember, and that in six months everything could be different.

So in other words, she didn’t even remember mentioning the six months time frame.

Her attraction is definitely below a one right now. I kind of want to cancel the meeting…

Well, you made a date with her. You need to keep your word. Again, this is probably another thing that’s an issue with you, is you say one thing and you do another. If you make a date for coffee saying, “I just want to talk,” and then when you realize it’s not going to lead to sex and romance, “Well, I’m just going to cancel it.” So everything you said to her for the reason why you wanted to get together then is bullshit if you cancel it.

…But I believe it is better to go, keep it short, light and fun, and walk the fuck away forever.



Again, I could tell it’s like one last ditch ever to beg, grovel and plead with her to pay attention to him. Nothing’s really changed in your approach. You’re just holding out a little bit longer than you did in the past. All you have to do is look what happened when you ran into her in the bar that night. That’s why she went home with you, because it looked like, at least in that evening, plus after a couple of cocktails, that you would kind of change, you would kind of gotten better, you seem like you’re getting on track. Then two weeks later, when you didn’t hear from her, you freaked out and called her and was like, “Let’s go to coffee so I can drool all over you and beg you to pay attention to me. “That’s why she called you to go, “What are your intentions?” She knew why you reached out. She’s not stupid.

I truly believe I can get better looking woman than her, but I just respect her very much as a human being…

Sure…

…And she has real wifey potential.

Maybe she has put up with a lot of your crap, but we don’t really know anything about her character at this point because there was no discussion of it.

I will not be waiting for her, and I might not even want it by then, but how would you go about turning her low attraction to high attraction again if (at all) she comes back after an unknown period of no contact.

 Hope to hear from you.

Kind regards,

Bob

Well, if you truly want to get this part of your life handled, you’ll read the book 10 to 15 times, because you don’t know the material. Your game sucks. It’s atrocious. Your behavior is disgusting and unattractive. That’s just a fact of life.

I know it’s harsh what I’m saying, but I’m shaking you, trying to shake some sense into you so you realize that the path that you’re going down is not going to work. Not only will it not work with her, it won’t work with the next girl. You have to get your life together, dude. You got to get to a happy place first, and then you can be a good teammate and a good companion. If you can’t even take care of your own life, you can’t even hold down a stable job and pay your bills on time, there’s no way you can expect a woman to rely on you because you can’t even rely on yourself.

You should just be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You should be using this time away from her to get better, to focus on your mission and purpose, take care of your body, reconnect with your friends and family if you let some of those relationships go by the wayside and get back to being disciplined and competent, so when she does reach out, or if she reaches back out in the future, she finds a more masculine, more centered, more confident and competent man down the road. If you keep chasing and pursuing, all you’re doing is reinforcing to her that you’re just incompetent and you can’t get your shit together.

You have to let women come to you at their pace, especially after you’re the one that got dumped by her. No amount of begging and pleading is going to make her come back. You becoming the best version of yourself that you can be, and getting centered in your masculinity and acting like a man consistently is what’s going to attract her back. So say three, four weeks, or maybe a month goes by and she texts you a meme, a picture or a memory of something that you guys did together in the past, you should assume, like the book says, that she’s reaching out because she misses you, invite her over to make dinner at your house, follow the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. It’s all laid out for you. It’s online, there’s a video, there’s a list of things to do. All seven principles are all detailed out, all the objections that she could possibly have to getting together in the evening to make dinner at your place. They’re all laid out. All you have to do is follow that script. It’s all there for you, but instead you’re basically trying to go against it and you’re scratching your head going, “Gee, I don’t understand why it’s not working.” It’s not working because you’re not applying it. You’re doing the opposite of what I teach.

I hope by now you can see that you can do better, man. Focus on the fundamentals. Commit to the process of being a successful man, and your interactions with women will go like butter, but you got to put the time in. You got to learn the book. There’s no shortcuts to success. Unless of course, you like suffering like this, then I’d say yeah, give the book away to somebody else that’ll actually read it and apply it, and then continue to enjoy your misery. Why would you want to do that? I mean, this is such an easy situation to handle and to fix, but you’re going to have to step up and exercise self control.

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