I Chased Her Away, But I Want Her Back

What you should do if you chased your girl right out of your life and her wanting a relationship with you.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says that he became jealous, possessive and chased his girl right out of his life. They met and spent about three weeks together every night. Then she left for basic training in the military. One night, she told him she was going for drinks with another guy and he lost it.

She dumped him and told him the relationship was over. However, he’s ignoring some glaring red flags and shouldn’t be so quick to take her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

It kind of seems like he left some information or some details out, because right after this, he apologized for losing his shit, basically. And then she says, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore.” Now they’re broken up and he’s wondering, “Do I have a chance of getting this girl back?” So, there are some things that he’s kind of ignoring that I want to point out. But again, it just seems like there are some details missing from his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m new to your channel and work. I am both reading your book and watching videos for the first time after I was dumped last week. A couple of days of self-reflection later, and it is now painfully obvious to me where I went wrong.

I’m a soldier (UK), and I met this girl working in the barracks stores. After two days of eye contact while getting my food, I walked up to her and gave her my number. She texted me an hour later saying she admired my confidence. The next night, we went on our first date, got a hotel and slept together. She spent the next three weeks consecutively with me each day, sleeping at mine. She was coincidentally soon to leave for royal air force basic training, so we made the most of our three weeks together. Before she left, she told me she wanted us to commit to each other and take things further.

So, it’s like three weeks of dating, and then, “Hey, let’s be in a relationship.” That’s pretty quick. Not really enough time for her to emotionally bond with him. It usually takes about two months, about six to seven weeks on average.

I accepted and we agreed that when she came home for Christmas break in six weeks’ time, she would once again spend the entire time at my place.

For the first five weeks of her being away, we spoke every night when she had time and talked about our plans for the future. Everything fit, we had the same goals and the same outlook on life.

Man, he’s really rushing through this thing pretty quick. I see a lot of guys in the military do this. Usually they get involved in situations like this with strippers, or whatever. They get married after a whirlwind romance for a few weeks, they get deployed, and then they find out their their wife is sleeping with other dudes while he’s away. And sometimes they leave them for other guys. It’s like, people put more thought into buying a car than they do to the person that they choose to marry. So, it’s like, don’t do this.

She was the one chasing at this point, calling me, texting me first, etc. Until one fateful day she mentioned to me that the first night back from training she was to see a guy friend for a drink, (I had previously told her that I couldn’t see her that night as I had my children from a previous marriage sleeping over). Instead of accepting her wishes and providing her with trust, I lost my shit and acted like a weak, insecure beta male, telling her she shouldn’t be seeing other men alone.

Well, it is true that she should not be going out. Now, we don’t know if this is a guy she knows, he was actually a friend, or some dude she just met. But if you’re in an exclusive relationship, if you’re married, it’s not appropriate for either one of you to be going out and having drinks with members of the opposite sex in the evening. It’s kind of common sense.

I felt threatened and vulnerable. She asked me for space…

After all that, after two months, well, mostly on the phone because they spent three weeks together and then about five or six weeks apart, and I guess she came home, or maybe he went to see her. He doesn’t really elaborate.

…and I responded with a large groveling essay. Twenty-four hours later she responds telling me our relationship is over, and that she deserves better than someone so possessive. Again, like a weak beta male, I begged her forgiveness until she stopped responding.

So, there’s probably a lot of over pursuing going on there that he kind of left out, because the way he phrases it, it’s just, “Oh, this one little thing, and then she ditched me.” So, we don’t know about the other guy, but the fact that she supposedly wanted an exclusive relationship, and then all of a sudden she’s “I’m out of here” and she stops responding, it sounds a little suspect.

I struggle with mental health issues, and normally I am incredibly confident, but she caught me on two bad days when I reacted the way I did. The sudden change from planning our lives together to complete no contact has really stung. After starting your book and watching your videos, I know that I played all the wrong cards and gave all the power away.

Yeah, so the reality is, if you look at her actions and you bottom line her actions, for her just to pull the plug like that, it’s obvious her interest was not that high to begin with. He was probably doing all of the pursuing, or most of it, and then she probably felt he was a little possessive. And then she said, “Hey, I’m going to go have some drinks with a ‘friend’ of mine,” and then he lost it. Then that created a situation where the whole relationship’s over?

Like I said, something sounds a little off. But he realized that he did all the wrong things. If she was in love with him, she’s not going to dump him. She would have forgiven him and they would have gotten past it. But instead, she’s like, “Well, that’s it, I don’t want to be in a relationship. Screw you.” So, she walked away because she wasn’t feeling much for him. She didn’t have any strong feelings.

And maybe she already kind of had a hint that he was jealous, and that’s why she made plans to go hang out with a guy friend and have some drinks, because she knew that he’d get upset about it. Because women will do that. They’ll break up with you, they’ll create a big fight, they’ll make a mountain out of a molehill, and they’ll use that as the justification to end the relationship. But the relationship was already over.

If I was a betting man, I’d say the relationship was over and she was looking for a reason to ditch him. And then the thing with the guy, she can blame it all on him like it’s all his fault, and then obviously, he’s going to feel terrible about it, thinking it was that one thing. But it sounds like after he read “How To Be A 3% Man,” my first book, he recognized that he completely turned her off. And so, that was the excuse she used.

My question is, do I now just leave her alone, or explain to her that I was having a rough time and apologize?

Well, if you look at her actions, they are the actions of a woman who doesn’t give a shit about you. Her interest wasn’t that high, and you already apologized. You said yourself, you wrote a long, groveling letter. Did that work? Nope. And you kept chasing her until she stopped responding, until she ignored you, and basically, you got ghosted.

You don’t chase after somebody that ghosts you. You said what you said, and it’s up to her to fix it. She’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. That’s the way you need to be looking at it. I mean, you chased this girl away to the point where she ghosted you. To keep chasing her or reaching out to her is counter productive. So, in this case, I would do nothing.

My last message to her was a weak apology.

So, “My last message to her was a weak apology,” and he’s asking, “Do I reach out again and apologize?” It’s like, how many times are you going to apologize? You’ve apologized several times and you got ghosted. There’s nothing else to do.

I am one week into the no contact rule, and though I think I am now doing the right thing, I am worried it is too late.

Bob

If I were you, I would assume it’s too late and you’re probably never going to hear from her again. But if you do, assume she wants to see, you make a date, hang out, have fun, hook up. Don’t focus on the relationship. Don’t focus on getting back together. Have more of a skeptical approach,”Let’s wait and see. Let’s take things slowly.”

But like I said, who is the guy? Is it a dude she just met? Is it somebody she’s known her whole life, maybe somebody she grew up with? I mean, there can be extenuating circumstances, but typically in these situations, the “guy friend” is some dude that she just met who wants to get in her pants, and she’s lining up a replacement. “Oh, you don’t have to worry about him. He’s just a friend.” Those are the ones you do have to worry about. In other words, women will be like, “Hey, I told you about him. It just kind of happened. I don’t know, we were just out having drinks together, he kissed me and it just kind of happened.” That’s what you’ll get.

So, the other thing to consider is if it was a dude she just met, barely knew, that was going to have drinks, then she’s lining up a replacement while she’s on a date with you, that’s not good for her level of integrity. So, you’ve got to take your time with these things. You don’t want to be in a rush. I see this a lot with the guys in the military. For whatever reason, they’re in a rush to lock somebody down, they’re in a rush to get a ring on a girl’s finger. Even if they’re not even divorced with the previous girl, they’re in a rush and a mad dash to get to the marriage altar. It’s like, you’ve got to slow down. Don’t be in such a rush to commit to somebody.

People can hide who they are for about ninety days. You spent three weeks with this girl in person, and then you spent about five or six weeks apart, only talking digitally, so you don’t really know her yet. You got the person that she wanted you to see.

So, if I were you I’d be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Wait to hear from her, make dates when you do. Don’t break up the relationship. Don’t bring up getting back together again or any of that. Get her to do most of the talking. Hang out, have fun, hook up, just like it says in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“If you are in an exclusive monogamous relationship, it’s not appropriate to go have drinks in the evening with a member of the opposite sex who you just met. Men and women who do this are either naive, looking to cheat or they simply do not respect their relationship or significant other.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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