What you should do if you turned her off and chased her away, but now she’s slowly coming back.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who didn’t care about his baby momma ex until he got dumped. Then he chased her right out of his life. He’s been following my work for a year and read 3% Man, 3 times so far. She is slowly coming back and they are friends with benefits.
However, she often says they are only friends. It’s obvious he wants to be back together, but it gets confusing when he can’t tell if she wants to see him, or if it’s just to do something with their children. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be I Chased Her Away, But She’s Slowly Coming Back. Well, I got an email. This particular guy, he’s actually I don’t know that he’s married, but he was with his ex, his now ex, who’s the baby mama of his two children.
He says he didn’t really care one way or another until she dumped him and broke up with him. Then he started over pursuing and literally chased her out of his life. But for the past year, he’s been following my work.
He’s been through 3%, Man, about three times so far. And so, she’s slowly coming back, but she often refers to him and them and just says, Hey, we’re just friends. So, it’s obvious that he still wants to get back together with her. And she’s slowly moving in that direction. And most of the guys that come to me and are trying to get their ex back, it’s because they got dumped, because they displayed too much unattractive behavior.
It’s really easy to sit here and watch these videos like some of the Dunces do and go, oh, an ex is an ex for a reason. Well, oftentimes guys make mistakes. Quite frankly, the majority of the time it’s the guys making mistakes and displaying too much unattractive behavior. And they turn off the woman, their wives, their girlfriends, women that they were dating. And then they get blown off, they get dumped, they get put in friend zone, and they don’t want to be there.
They continue to want to see her romantically. And as a coach, it’s my job to help them achieve that particular outcome by displaying almost exclusively attractive behavior and pointing out what’s unattractive and what’s turning her off and driving her away, so she’ll fall back in love again and want to be in a relationship.
In this case, they’ve got a couple of kids that are in the mix. And so, I mean, there are times when obviously it’s true you don’t want to get back together with an ex when she’s lying, when she’s cheating, I had an email last week that I did, which was almost a year after an update on a previous email from a particular viewer, and he was married. They got married when they were young, and she’s constantly acting like she’s single and giving out her number to other dudes. He sets boundaries. She continues to violate him. A year later, she’s still doing the same thing, still hanging out with guys, going hanging out one on one with dudes and drinking with them.
And it’s like when you see that kind of behavior. Yeah, that’s not somebody you want to get back together with, even when you’ve displayed unattractive behavior, because that’s just how they operate. They’re not loyal, they’re not monogamous. And in that particular case, they were still pretty young, and they hadn’t had any kids. And that’s just not somebody you want to have children with, because those values of being disloyal, she’s going to pass on to the children typically. So that guy dodged a bullet.
In this case, they got two kids. He just really didn’t care. He was probably going along. And then when she dumped him, all of a sudden, then he really started to care because rejection tends to breed obsession. So, with that said, let’s go through his email and see what he can do, because for about four months now, they’re basically kind of friends with benefits. And it’s confusing to him because they get the children and sometimes, he’s like, does she want to get together because she wants to see me, or does she just want to do stuff with the kids.
So, a lot of what we’re going to talk about today is mindset and how to approach this. Because the reality is, if, as I talk about in the article and video I did years ago, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Whoever wrecks the relationship is the one that has to fix it. In other words, whoever did the breaking up and pushing the other person away, it’s got to be them who fixes it, or creates the conditions where a reconciliation can happen. Because in most of these cases, the guys coming to me and he’s the one that’s been dumped and he’s already chased, he’s pleaded, he’s begged, he’s tried to get her to reconsider. He’s stuck in friend zone.
And for him to continue to call and text and try to go out on dates and get nowhere, it’s totally counterproductive. And all it does is cause the guy to become a backup position, while she continues to date and meet other guys. And then eventually she finds somebody and now he’s stuck in friend zone with somebody he’s been chasing. And so, the idea is you want to create the conditions where her attraction starts to return and the respect starts to return that she once had for him, and then a reconciliation becomes possible. And so, in this case, the girl messed it up. She pushed him away, therefore, she’s got to fix it.
So, in this guy’s case. As I talk about in 3% Man, a man’s job in the courtship is just create an opportunity for sex to happen to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. That’s it. It’s not to get back together. It’s not to lock her down. It’s not to ask for another chance or even want another chance. It’s just the mindset is I’m willing to give her a chance to fix the things that she screwed up so we could potentially have a reconciliation. In other words, I might give her another chance to win me over. That’s the attitude you want to have.
And when guys are trying to get her attention and validation and to have Oh, I hope I get another chance with her, it puts them in the wrong mindset and the wrong vibe. And basically, they continue to display unattractive behavior and she doesn’t choose them. She continues to say, I’m confused. I’m unsure my feelings. I need to work on myself. I got to get my life together. You know, those kinds of things.
I’m from the UK and I’ve followed your work for a year now, read the book three times and watched tons of videos. I’m fortunately at a point where what you say now makes perfect sense as opposed to me just doing it and seeing what happens.
Well, you’ve got to read the book 10 to 15 times, dude, because you will need all those skills in a relationship to maintain it if you end up getting back together.
I share kids with my ex, and we have intermittently reconnected throughout the breakup, it was your stereotypical breakup that you see with me not giving a shit, until I got dumped and then chasing her RIGHT out of my life.
That’s usually what most guys experience is. You know, like he doesn’t care. All we know, you never spend time with us and the kids. We never do any family things. Yeah, but, yeah, but, he never makes time. And then all of a sudden, once he gets served with divorce papers, then he wants to make time. But oftentimes it’s too late at that point. It’s like guys don’t listen. A lot of times they’ll say, I didn’t see it coming or I didn’t think she was serious. I didn’t think she meant that.
I went away and fixed things, firstly for her but then now for myself.
Well, that’s the idea. You should be doing it for you. Regardless of whether or not you get back together with her. Because as a man, if you continue to display unattractive behavior, the next girl that comes along, you’ll turn her off for exactly the same reasons and you’ll be right back to where you were.
I was so behind par for a guy my age that it was actually quite easy to make the improvements. We reconnected for our daughters birthday in February and have been in a slight situation since. I NEVER EVER initiate.
Well, she dumped you. She pushed you away. You chased her out of your life. You stopped chasing her. And then she slowly started to come back because it’s got to be her idea. If it was her idea to break it off, it’s got to be her idea to rekindle things.
Even though we have been hanging out and having fun and hooking up I cannot help but feel I’m not doing the right things.
Part of it is because you haven’t read the book 10 to 15 times. Dude, you got to get to know this thing so well you can teach a class on it. And that’s part of the problem, if you only read it three times, and you’re not following along with a physical copy like this, or a digital copy while you listen to it, you’re going to retain maybe ~7% to 8% of the book. So, you maybe got 20% of the book down. That’s why you’re confused. That’s why you feel like you’re not doing the right things. Because every time she does something, you’re trying to look for the perfect video or the perfect pick-up line or the perfect phrase to say to fix it and make it all better because you still don’t understand the philosophy.
So, you’re tying your shoelaces together and trying to run a marathon by only reading the book three times in one whole year. So, you’ve got to do better. If you’re really serious about re-attracting her. You can’t just thumb through the book a few times and then try to cherry pick in videos, because everything’s going to come off as being robotic, and it’s not going to be smooth. It’s going to be clunky and sometimes it’ll go good for a while and then it’ll poof.
Because he’s four months into hooking up with her again and she’s still going, Hey, you’re a friend. So what does that tell me? That tells me that he still has the wrong vibe, the wrong mindset, and he’s not consistently displaying attractive behavior, but he’s lazy like most men are. I mean, most people in general major in minor things, and they’re just lazy. They won’t even get to the point where they pick up a book like mine, much less read it 10 to 15 times.
That’s why most of you guys that know the work have tried to refer my book to your friends and family, and most of them roll their eyes or, yeah, I need to get around to it, but almost none of them actually follow through, unless they’re in like major emotional pain because they had a rejection, or they got served divorce papers or whatever. It’s like guys are egocentric and like, I don’t have time. I’m busy. I got to catch my favorite TV show. I got a binge watch. I got a Netflix and chill myself.
Firstly, she actually found herself a straight female boyfriend (as opposed to gay male girlfriend) to replace my companionship who is incredibly toxic and got very defensive about us hanging out.
Yeah, that’s not helpful. When you’re your girlfriend or your ex-girlfriend you’re trying to re-attract is some new woman who is getting in the way. And more than likely what happens is these friends are unhappy single people and part of them validating their model of the world and the way they go through life, is by getting everyone that they know to be like them. And so, she’s potentially getting back together with you and spending time with you. She’s not going to like that and she’s probably not going to be supportive. So, you got that working against you. That’s always fun.
Secondly, even with the sex and light flirting she still mentions that we are friends every now and again, obviously I don’t feel like I can rise to it.
So whenever she says, Hey, we’re just friends, she’s like, Hey, we’re friends with benefits, that’s cool. I’m down with that. No pressure. No worries. I keep my little black book handy. Still see my other girlfriends.
Last week I had a huge dilemma, it was her birthday and I went round with gifts from the kids a few days earlier and she seemed slightly hurt, she wasn’t doing anything on her birthday so I took it upon myself to book us into the cinema (us and the kids.) I figured it contravened your mantra.
Well he’s talking about 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. But you’ve got to understand, you’ve got kids with her and you have to interact with her continuously. And so in that case, and a guy who’s got children, is that all when it comes to contact and the phone and text and email or Snapchat or WhatsApp or whatever, you should have all of your plans made ahead of time. Therefore, you never have a reason to reach out to her.
If you always know when you’re picking your kids up and dropping them off and you have all this stuff arranged ahead of time when they’re T-ball, baseball, soccer, football, practice, gymnastics, whatever it happens to be, when you’re supposed to handle those things, have all that arranged ahead of time.
That way you keep your contact to a minimum and you’re not constantly calling and texting because a lot of guys leave that stuff in the air and they go, oh, well, I’m just calling for my kids. But what happens is they do those things on purpose, so it gives them a reason to call the girl. And so they’re still giving off the vibe that they’re seeking her attention and validation. Which is the opposite of the vibe you’re trying to give off, especially if you’re the one that got dumped. So, like I said, in this case, it’s so if he’s got everything arranged and when she seems like she wants to hang out or is open to do a family things, then you do, invite her out. No big deal. Invite her to come along with you and the children.
We went and had a good time, her interest was low and she went to great lengths to say she felt like she was coming on for the month after our takeout that we ordered back at her place afterwards. She also showed traits of over pursuit after her birthday which is obvious.
So it sounds like her attraction went back up. But again, you read the book so you can see the signs when she’s feeling attraction, playing with her hair, touching your arms, standing too close. You’ve already put the kids to bed. That’s when you make the move to seduce her, or start the seduction process that’s laid out in the book. It’s an art. It’s not a science.
I feel like she can easily hide behind the kids to get me to come round which means I don’t have the advantage behind polarizing, sometimes she’s disinterested and there’s no point me being there and others she seems very fun and everything you want.
Well, it would be helpful if you were also dating other women. She’s already mentioned that she keeps referring to you as a friend. So if a woman is continually referring to you as a friend, even though you were going to respond with friends with benefits, you want to keep your options open, especially when you’re trying to learn the material because it’s clear you got rejected. You’re focused on her, you’re constantly hovering around, what’s she doing, what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling. She’s more into me or less into me than the last time I saw her. And those things are counterproductive.
How am I meant to carry myself in interactions when I don’t know why I’m being invited?
Love is playful and fun. Be playful and fun. Be the good dad. And if you’re there and there’s no reason for you to be there, you can dip.
She mentioned me being “off” because I turned down two invitations (I genuinely was busy) which were clearly child orientated. I knew as I rejected the second one she would presume I wouldn’t go round because it was kid stuff.
I assume this guy’s from the UK. They say that a lot. go round, and come round. Going to come round to my house tonight. My back porch.
It’s incredibly tough to gauge how I should be or if I can even follow your mantra
I don’t know what specific mantra you’re talking about
as I can’t approach it not knowing her reasoning behind inviting me.
Well, if you have something to do, go do it. And if you have time, then go hang out. But think of it in terms of, okay, well, what happens after we’re done with the kid things? Is there an opportunity? Is it like a later in the afternoon thing where the kids come home, we put them to bed because they’re so tired? Then we can pop a bottle of wine, have a glass or two, hang out and have fun and hook up, that kind of thing.
Do i just acknowledge that it’s going to be tougher with the kids linking us or is there some way I can alter your mantra?
Again, I’m not sure what mantra you’re referring to. So love is playful and fun, so have fun. And if if there’s nothing going on, if she’s being kind of cold and distant, just say, hey, it’s great hanging out with you and the kids, but I’m going to dip. I got to run. I got things to take care of and then leave.
Regardless of everything I simply feel like plan b even living the right things.
Well, number one, you don’t know the book. Number two, you got no other choices, no other options. And so your whole personal life, your whole romantic life is wrapped up in your ex and you’re just like an occasional friends with benefits, an occasional booty call, if you will. That’s all you really are at this point. And it’s obvious you’re reading more into it than is actually there. But it would help you if you would learn the book. And apply what’s in it so you get better.
Essentially are there some key caveats when I’m interacting in person doing kid stuff and occasionally hooking up? I’m months into this now and a change of trajectory would make me incongruent and I did way way way too much of that in the early months of the breakup.
Well, it doesn’t matter what you did in the past. The idea is you should be creating the conditions where she can get your attention and validation instead of you trying to get hers.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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