How to handle a breakup you regret and get her back despite her resistance to it.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 27-year-old viewer who recently dumped his girlfriend of 4 years and regretted it a few weeks later. They have been hanging out and hooking up again, but she is hesitant to get back together. He said a lot of nasty things during the breakup that he now regrets.
She isn’t convinced and he wonders what he should do to address her concerns as she keeps changing her mind and being a little contradictory. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular guy, he’s 27 and he just dumped his girlfriend of four years and regretted it a few weeks later. He’s brand new to my work and he’s in the first read of his of 3% Man. So the dots are starting to get connected for him.
After about three weeks, he realized he didn’t want to be broken up. He went and he told her and instead of her going, “OK well, let’s just continue like things are normal,” because that’s how guys in this situation think, “Oh yeah, we’ll just pick right up where we left off, no problem.” Obviously it hasn’t gone that way, but she has reached out. They have hooked up, but instead of her saying, “Yeah, let’s do this,” even though they’re hooking up again, she’s like, “Uh.”
You got to remember, it takes time for a woman to fall in love. It takes time for her to fall out of love, and it’s going to take time for her to fall back in love when you’re doing the things properly, as they’re laid out in the book. One thing this guy should also be very familiar with is the 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back article and video that I did many years ago, in addition to reading the book so he can do things in a very smooth and natural way.
Hi Coach Corey,
Having recently just gone through a breakup, I have come across your videos and wanted some guidance. I am in the process of reading 3% Man but wanted to send you this in the meantime. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years because I felt like she was demanding too much of me…
As the book says, when women are in love with you, they want your attention all the fucking time. It’s just the way it is.
…And I didn’t feel ready or mature enough to give her what she needed at this time in my life.
Well, even if you get back together and she starts to get to that place where she feels that and it’s obvious that she was more into him than he was into her, which from a leverage perspective is the way you want it as a guy anyways. Even if you do get back together with her, she falls in love again, she’s going to want all of your time in the same way.
I am 27, still building my career and still trying to find my purpose in life…
While I would highly recommend that you read my book, Mastering Yourself on How To Align Your Life With Your True Calling & Reach Your Full Potential, the whole book is about that. It’s basically my life story of how I went from one career to the next, how I discovered my purpose, how that evolved, how I changed and got into new careers, new businesses I went through life.
…And felt like the relationship wasn’t allowing me to do that.
What’s natural for us guys in a long term relationship is you want the freedom to do your own thing. When a woman is trying to monopolize your time and ultimately nest and someday have a family with you because that’s what they want, they want all of our attention, all of our presence, all of our time, as much of it as they can get, and they’ll still want more as long as you’re doing things properly.
After breaking up with her, I regretted it and wanted her back. I had already explained to her why I ended it and explained all the reasons I felt we were not compatible and how I was made to feel in the relationship, which was under pressure and drained.
Yeah, you got to learn how to go with the flow and diffuse with humor.
I then regretted my decision a couple weeks later and wanted her back, but she said that the message explaining our lack of compatibility was the nail in the coffin and she could not move on from it.
The other thing to consider is what she was saying. She’s trying to communicate how she felt in the moment, that moment only. So it was like a weather report from that day, and today is a different day. That weather report has no bearing on how she feels today. So keep that in mind and don’t look at the fact she told you she loved you three months ago or six months ago, and think it still applies today. The only thing it matters is what she’s thinking and feeling today. Women pretty much live in the present moment when it comes to that.
I then did what I know I’m not supposed to do, but I begged and pleaded, which she appreciated.
Well, she appreciated the fact that you really wanted to be with her because everything you had said before that was like, “I’m out of here. We’re not compatible. You suck. Get lost,” and you’re like, “Oh, I made a mistake, but you don’t really suck. It’s OK. I didn’t really mean that.” It’s how you made her feel. She’s not going to forget that. That’s why she brought that up.
You have to show her consistently, going forward, that you’re not having those doubts or those fears, because any time she feels you’re not that into it or you’re not present with her, she’s going to probably go to where the wound is, which is, “You don’t care about me,” and, “You don’t think we’re compatible.”
So she’ll probably throw that in your face and you say we’re not compatible anyways, so just remember that, because she’s going to test you. She’s going to test you to see because her deep down her fear now is that as soon as you feel like you got her back, that you’re going to feel the same way, that you’re not compatible. In other words, that she didn’t measure up as a woman for you.
If you’re going to stay with this girl any time she has doubt about your feelings, she’s going to probably throw the breakup back in your face even 10 years from now if you stay together. When women say these things like that, they’re trying to communicate how they feel in the moment and how what you did or said made them feel like you did in the past. So it’s not going to be like you’re going to have one conversation and then never discuss it again.
Anytime there’s fear or doubt in her and she thinks you don’t care, she’s going to remind you of a time when you didn’t care because she’s basically saying, “Hey, you’re making me feel that way again.”
My ex loved the fact that I was fighting for her and all the words I was saying, but despite that she still said she wasn’t ready to move on right now, but the door isn’t closed.
All she’s basically saying is, “Hey, you got the green light to potentially get me back.” That’s it. That’s all she’s saying, but it’s a process. It took time for her to fall in love. It took time for her to fall out of love. Obviously, you dumped her. You broke up with her. She has some really strong negative feelings and emotions about that now, obviously. So she’s not going to really trust that you mean what you say and she’s always going to be looking because even when things get good, she’s going to be thinking, “Oh, he doesn’t really mean it. Maybe he’s just saying that because he couldn’t find anybody else, or he’s lonely or it’s cuffing season,” or whatever.
She recently had a night out and ended up calling me at 6am but I was asleep. I called her back at 10am and we chatted for a bit, and I went over to her place. We got intimate and had a chat and I said I want to work on things, but she said she isn’t ready and said my words are amazing but she needs to see action and that she was annoyed that she still had to reach out to me in order for this meeting to even happen and that she won’t be reaching out again, it’s up to me.
Not true. One of the things that is so hard for men to get, and it’s confusing about women, she reaches out to you twice, once when you’re asleep, and then you call her back, she wants to see you. You go over and see her, and she’s like, “I’m never reaching out again. You got to do it all,” but the bottom line is she still reached out. Even though she complained about it, she reached out because she cared, because she had strong feelings for you. You were together for years. It’s only been a couple of weeks. So don’t let that deter you from your path and what you want. Don’t take it personally.
Yeah, she’s big mad that she had to reach out to you, but the bottom line is, she reached out to you because she cared. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, even though you’re the one that wants to get her back.
You have to create the conditions where you let her come to you, because if you start over pursuing, you’re going to get more of, “I don’t know. I’m not sure. I’m confused. I don’t know where I’m going to be at this point in my life. I don’t know what I can do right now. I’m sorry, just not feeling it.”
You got to let her come to you at her pace. Even though she says you got to do all the pursuing. Like the book says, you should never do more than 20% to 30% of it. You have to let her come back to you at her pace, because remember, the bottom line is she says, “No, I’m not ready to get back together.” It’s a process.
So you’re creating the the space where you’re masculine, you’re certain you want her, you want her back, but she’s going to come back very slowly. Even though she says, “I’m not calling you anymore,” she will.
I have told her that I am working on myself, and I have. I’m seeing a therapist and reading your book and working out.
I feel confused. She wants to see action, so does that mean making grand gestures and sending flowers and messaging her?
No. Your job in the courtship, including getting your ex back, is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed and seduce her. The getting back together or, “We’re officially boyfriend/girlfriend,” is something that she’s going to bring up when she’s ready. Your job is just to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it.
If you think back to when you first met her and you saw her, you’re like, “I want to stick something in her. I want to stick my ding-a-ling in her,” that’s what you were thinking. So the date, everything getting together was like, “I want to smash.” That’s what you wanted. You were going, “Oh, let’s get married and live happily ever after.” No, you were thinking, “I want to smash,” and she was down for it too. The smashing was so good and so consistent that she didn’t want you smashing anybody else except her. She only wanted you beating up her pelvis.
She doesn’t seem to be turned off by my love bombing as normal women would, like you explain.
The bottom line is she’s still pursuing, but if you start over pursuing, you will turn her off and you’ll get stuck in limbo.
She said she misses me and loves me when we met up but isn’t ready to get back together, I just have no idea how to play it.
Just create the next opportunity for sex to happen. She’s told you several contradictory things here, so it really doesn’t matter. You look at what women do, not what they say.
I think walking away and never looking back would backfire in this situation, as I am the dumper.
Well, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back lays it out. You’ve told her you wanted to get back together, but you still have to create the conditions where you allow her to come to you at her pace. If you don’t believe me, then smother her ass and see how good that works out.
I’ve done hundreds and hundreds of videos on this topic over the years. Dude, you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality, because women say, “Yeah, I like it when a guy fights for me,” but you did fight for her. You went back to her and you said, “I want to stay together,” and then she says, “No, I’m not ready,” and you’re like, “OK.” Then you go about your life and then what happens? She calls you at 4 a.m., you wake up, you call her back, then you go see her, then you hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s it. Just like a first date or the first time you guys smashed. You got to think in terms of that.
It’s not about getting back together, because that’s the woman’s department is, the relationship department. You’ve just got to create the opportunity for sex to happen. So allow her to come to you at her pace because you said you wanted to get back together, and she says, “Not so fast.” So you got it’s almost the same thing as a woman saying, “I need space.” In other words, “Don’t smother me. Let me come to you at my pace, but don’t blow my phone up and don’t drool all over me because you’ll get rejected.” Just like a brand new guy would get rejected that has no game. So you let her come to you at her pace and then just simply make dates.
I could make dates with her, hang out, have fun, and hook up, but she also wants to see actively that I am changing and improving. How do I navigate the two things?
Well, what she wants to see is it’s not that you’ve become a different man, is that you became like you were in the beginning, that you showed up. The biggest complaint that women have about men is that the romantic at first, and then once you’re in a relationship, they just stop going out, dating and courting her and treating her the same way.
So your problem is you weren’t consistent in the courtship. You got to the point where you just said, “I’m tapping out. I don’t want to be in a relationship and I don’t want to court you anymore.” Then she says, “Well, I like it when you fight for me.” All you did was just say, “I want you and I want to be in a relationship.” Despite her going, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, because one of the things we would say all the time.I don’t think it’d be a good idea if we got together.” Yet you still end up, “Well, call me if you change your mind.” Then an hour later, “Hey, I’m coming over.” That’s the way they are.
The point being is that you said, “I want you, I’m into you.” All you really have to do is be consistent. Show her consistently that you want her. What she’s worried about is if she reaches out in the future and you’re like, “I’m busy. I don’t want to do this. I don’t have time to see you,” and you act like you don’t care and you act like you don’t want to be around her, but she’s worried about his consistency because you were consistent for a while and then you stopped being consistent. That’s all it means. It doesn’t mean you take the book and you throw it out the window. You got to understand what she’s communicating to you, but attraction works the way it works.
You absolutely must let her come to you at her pace. When she wonders, and she’s fearful that you’re really serious, what happens? She’ll call you or she text you, just like she did at 4 a.m. and then says, “Well, I’m not going to do this anymore. She will.” She’s got to feel safe and comfortable enough to do that. Not judge, not you being angry, not you being impatient, that she’s not yet ready to commit or anything.
Again, it’s not your purview to be trying to get her to commit. Your job is just to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. I mean, she called you in the middle of the night, and then you went over and beat up her pelvis in the morning, right? There is evidence that’s exactly what I’ve laid out in the videos and in the book is the way women actually work and function, despite what they say.
You’ve got to understand what she’s trying to communicate to you. What she needs from you is consistency. You should never do more than 20% to 30% of the pursuing, but if you can get away with her doing most or all of it, even when she complains, the bottom line is she’s still doing it. Even though she complained. Just like she called you and said she was big mad about it, that she had to reach out to you. At the end of the day, what happened? She still had sex with you.
If we look at her actions, yes, she didn’t like it, but did she really not like it because she was still glad to see you. She was still glad to hook up even though she was big mad. Which remember, what’s behind anger, there’s always fear. What’s she afraid of? She’s afraid that she don’t give a shit and that you’re not compatible, because that’s what you told her. That’s the biggest wound. That wound is, any time she has any doubt that you care, it’s going to come back up.
Just remember that you must be consistent. You must be consistently glad and excited to hear from her and just make the next date. It’s super simple. This is a very easy relationship to rekindle based on what you’ve shared and where you’re at, but you’ve got to do what’s in the book, and you can’t let her cause you to do all the pursuing.
I can tell the way you have written this, you’re thinking, “I’m going to do the opposite of what you teach, Corey, because this is what she’s telling me she wants. I do all the calling, all the texting, all the pursuing.” You do that, you’ll get ghosted and you’ll find out that she’s hanging out with Chad Thunder cock, and you don’t want that.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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