I Dumped Her & Want Her Back, But She’s Still Distant How Much Should I Pursue?

How much you should pursue when attracting her back after you dumped her.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who dumped his girlfriend after a few years of dating because they were only having sex 2-3 times per month. After discovering my work her realized his mistakes and is trying to get her back. They had one date so far which went well, but she canceled their second date because she got sick.

He’s unsure of how much to pursue and how much to back off because she still seems distant. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, the overwhelming majority of guys that are trying to follow 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video that I did many years ago, I think it’s like 10, 11 years ago at this point. It’s just the basics of what to do when you’ve been broken up. Most of those guys have been dumped and they didn’t want to be dumped and they pursued and chased until the woman’s just like, “Absolutely not. Friends only. I’m not interested. Piss off,” basically, but occasionally you get a guy that’ll break up with a girl, and then he’s like, “You know what? I screwed up. I want her back.” So that’s kind of the situation that this guy is in.

So he dumped his girlfriend after a few years of dating because when they started dating, they were hooking up like rabbits, but the last few months they were together, they were only really having sex like two to three times a month. He was probably complaining about it a lot, and she was probably saying, “All you care about is sex,” because at the end of the day, she wasn’t feeling it. He’s probably getting rejected all the time. So she lost this attraction and respect for him. After they were split up, he came across my work, started reading my book and realized that he made a lot of mistakes, and he lowered his girlfriend’s attraction and interest and her level of respect for him to the point where he basically dried her up. So now he’s realized what he did wrong and he wants to correct it. They had one date so far, and he said that kind of went well, but he had a second date set up with her and then she cancelled because she got sick. Now he’s just kind of unsure of how much to pursue because she still seems distant.

At the end of the day, you got to remember it takes time for a woman to fall in love. It takes time for her to fall out of love. Just because you dumped her, doesn’t mean that you over-pursue to get her back. You will re-engage like he did, and you’ll see in a second that he basically admits he made a mistake. She’s open to giving him another chance. They had one date and then it seems like she’s a little distant, but his impulse is to call and to text more. In reality, you’re trying to go slightly slower than she is, because her interest is low and it’s going to take time to raise it back up. So you should be taking measured steps like it’s laid out in the book. So under normal circumstances, when you’re following 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, when you’ve been dumped and you didn’t want to be dumped, the woman’s got to do all the calling, texting and pursuing, then you just make dates when you hear from her because she unilaterally ended it. Therefore, she’s got to fix it.

Now when you’re in a situation like this, which most guys are not, but maybe some like this guy, he didn’t know about my work and broke up with her and then came across it and he was like, “Man, I did all these things. No wonder she didn’t want to sleep with me anymore.” So now his his mindset is, “Well, if I can apply what’s in the book and get her re-attracted and develop the respect again, well the sex should return to normal,” but the same rules apply. Since he ended it, then he should go to the once-a-week rule. Again, it’s laid out in the book and no more than that and ideally get it to the point where she’s doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing, because if he over pursues her, her interest is just not going to go anywhere. It’s just going to flat line and she’s just going to be like, “Yeah, I’m not really feeling it.” So he’s got to create the conditions where she’s doing most of the pursuing.

So with that in mind, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

So back in 2022, I started dating an amazing woman. I unknowingly was doing everything right because she was doing the pursuing and she made it so easy for me. We had sex on the second date and she was the aggressor. We were exclusive per her request by the second month and I think we had more sex in that month than I did in my previous nine-year marriage, I’m not kidding. I literally had to tell her I was too tired some nights!

So if you look at when things were the best, she’s doing all the calling, texting and pursuing the very beginning. So you’re re-engaging the pursuit initially, but as soon as it’s just like dating a brand new girl in this particular case, because you dumped her. Therefore, you shouldn’t be reaching out more than once a week to make a date. Then once she starts pursuing and reaching out to you, then I wouldn’t reach out at all at that point. Just wait to hear from her and then make the next date when you do.

As time went on, we started spending more and more time together and I even semi-moved in with her. Started off as a night here and there and then became every night over the course of the first six months. Sex in overabundance and we had a fun little inside humor that always made us laugh. We would fall asleep in each other’s arms every night. Seems almost perfect, right?

Well, I thought it was, but I was wrong. I have now learned after reading 3% Man now four times (I got it almost two weeks ago)…

So he’s clearly being a good student so far. He’s not half-assing it. If you put the audio-book on two-speed, you can get through it and then follow on the digital or physical copy, which is the best way to learn. You can get through it in four hours. So if you’re serious about getting this part of your life handled, you got to spend the time with the book to learn the material so well that you can teach a class on it. If you’re new here, you can even read it for free in the Members Area of my website. Just subscribe to the email newsletter and it’ll open up right in your web browser.

…And watching a ton of your videos, that I was driving her away without even knowing. Sex diminished to maybe two or three times a month and I started to get mad at her for it and being less affectionate (I’d give her the butt most nights, LOL).

In other words, I assume he meant to say butt-hurt.

BIG MISTAKE, I now know. One day she asked me what was wrong and I stonewalled her and said, “I’m all good.” Also, BIG MISTAKE. In the end of January, we got in a big fight and I broke up with her (Long story and trying to keep this as short as possible).

A few days of no-contact and she reached out to me. I agreed to cooking dinner for her at my place and trying to talk. She hit me with stuff I had no clue I was even doing and not even related to the fight we had. I was coming to her house every day and she was making dinner. We would tool around on our phones for a bit and then lay in bed and watch out shows and go to bed. I had become complacent and boring and I stopped courting her.

That’s what most guys do in long-term relationships.

I tried to salvage the relationship and she said she is afraid that I will fall back into my old habits. 

Everything from this point is now after reading the book….

We talk periodically and it’s her who hits me up at least 75% of the time.

Well, I would try to get it to 90%, 95%.

I keep it short and sweet. I set up a date to take her out to diner and we had a real nice casual conversation and it felt a lot like our first date. Again, I let her do most of the contacting and I set another date for dinner at my place.

So it doesn’t sound like he hooked up that first night. I wouldn’t have taken her out. I would have been just invited her over, but then again, he wasn’t familiar with my work. The fact that he didn’t hook up with her in the first night and then he invites her over to his place to make dinner the second time, right away she’s knowing, “Oh, he’s planning on having sex with me.” That might be why she cancelled.

She ended up canceling on me because she had a sinus infection. I became a beta soy boy and dropped soup and immune support vitamins and left them on her doorstep and text her to say I did. I did this to see if she was home and not on a date and to see if she came out dressed nice or looking sick. She was definitely sick, but I feel I really messed up with that move.

Well, it wasn’t some chick you just went out with and had a first date. You’d spent several years with her. So in this case, because of your history, it’s not the end of the world.

She did hit me up the next morning though. 

Corey, I’m at a loss here on how to go forward. I am having a hard time knowing what’s too much or too little effort. If we just met, I kind of grasp what to do, but in this case I am trying to fix what I did wrong. 

I hope this story can be helpful to others from this community.

Thank you and cheers!

Bob

Well again, you should read through 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. If I were you, I’d look at this and realize that she canceled a date on you when she was sick, probably didn’t mention a reschedule, so I assume at some point you said, “Hey, let me know when you’re feeling better. I’d love to see you.” Then you just let her be, wait to hear from her and then make the next date because again, she’s canceled a date. Doesn’t sound like she mentioned anything about a reschedule or still being excited to see you. So I would just wait to hear from her.

I assume once she gets a little better, she’ll let you know, “Man, I’m feeling a lot better.” Then just make a date. Remake the date for making dinner at your place and see if she keeps it. Then if she does, she comes over, you hang out, you have fun and you hook up, again remember how she was in the very beginning when she was all over you, and you guys were fucking like rabbits. She was aggressor. She was doing all the pursuing. So you’ve re-engaged. You’ve told her you wanted to fix things. You had one date. I’d say the mistake you made in the first new date that you had was that you didn’t hook up, and that sounds like it’s because you kind of went to her. So you got to think about the logistics of sex. Then again, he hadn’t come across my work yet.

So if she reaches back out, make a date to make dinner at your place in the evening, see what happens. If she comes over and hangs out, has fun and hooks up when she leaves, say, “Call me later,” and when she reaches back out the next time, again make the next date and make sure you’re going out and doing fun things together instead of just basically becoming loveless, sexless roommates, which is obviously where you went wrong.

The two biggest mistakes guys make in long-term relationships, they all do the same things. It has nothing to do with whether you’re married or not. It has to do with the courtship. Women want to be in a love story. If you stop, the love story, doesn’t matter whether you’re just casually dating or you’re in a relationship, if you don’t date and court your girlfriend or your wife, eventually some other guy will. If she doesn’t feel heard and understood, the legs are going to close. If she does, the legs will open. The courtship never ends. There’s actually a chapter in 3% Man by that title. So when you got no kids, you should at least have one date night per week where you go out, you do things together, you plan things and you just have fun. You have an adventure.

So in this case again, because she cancelled the second date, he says she was definitely sick. So I assume that means that he talked to her on the phone. He could hear it in her voice. So in that case just say, “Hey, let me know when you’re better. I’d love to see you,” and then just wait to hear from her. I assume she’ll reach back out in a few days, so just give her the space to do that. Then when she does make a date to make dinner at your place in the evening, just re-engage with the same plans that you had before, because you’re trying to see if she’s flexible, if she’s going to do what you ask her and invite her to do. Obviously, if she’s interested in sex, romance and rekindling things, she’ll come over and make dinner at your place. If she’s not, she’ll try to get you to meet her out or go to coffee, do lunch, do things, do a group date or do things that friends would do. So just be on the lookout for that, if you’re kind of in a situation like this.

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