I Failed To Lead Our Relationship, Got Dumped & Feel Like A Complete Failure

What you can do if you got dumped because you failed to lead your relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who just got dumped by his girlfriend of 1 year. He read the book 6 times and then quit as soon as they became exclusive because he thought he knew it all and wouldn’t have to worry about getting dumped. Over time he became complacent, a people pleaser, irritable, a poor communicator and vacillated back and forth between being in his masculine and acting like a woman. He completely reverted back to the guy he was before he found my work. She gave a long list of why she dumped him which he shares and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “I Failed To Lead Our Relationship, Got Dumped, & Feel Like A Complete Failure.”

Well, this particular email is from a guy, he’s been following me for a while. He just got dumped by his girlfriend of a year, and he says he read The Book six times, and he says as soon as they became exclusive, he basically turned The Book into a Frisbee, skipped it across the water in the lake, or maybe the ocean. Thought he knew it all. He’s like, “I got this.” And so recently he just got dumped and he’s kind of surprised. And what’s interesting is that he kind of now realizes everything he did wrong.

And on top of that, after they broke up, she gave him like a laundry list of things that she didn’t like or that she had a problem with. And so it’s a really good email because you get a woman’s feedback on all the things this guy did and said that turned her off, which for those of you that are familiar with The Book and took it seriously when I said read it 10 to 15 times, you could see why this guy made all of these mistakes. Because you got to remember, whatever you observe, you participate in.

And so if we’re watching TV or movies, we’re getting propaganda and being presented with dysfunctional archetypes. And on top of that, the music and the mood and the language that’s used and the sound effects emotionally anchors us to those dysfunctional archetypes. And so when you get into a relationship, it’s like learning my book and reading it and applying it to get to the ten, to the 15 times, to where you get to know it so well, you could teach a class on it.

You have to be able to recognize your behavior and be able to notice in the woman how your behavior affects her interest and attraction towards you. But if you don’t really take the time to learn it, and/or you get cocky like this guy did, and just think it’s beneath you to read it 10 to 15 times, it doesn’t apply to you. “I sold my company for hundreds of millions of dollars. Corey doesn’t know what he’s talking about. People do what I tell them. I don’t need to read his book 10 to 15 times. I’m just too smart for that. I don’t need it. I’m special. I’m different.”

And then they end up on a phone session with me, trying to put things back together at the last minute. Or like in this case, writing an email. So the idea is, I want you guys to learn from these guys mistakes so you don’t repeat them. And remember, what you observe you participate in, like I was saying in the beginning of the video. And so if you don’t really take the time to change your behavior and really anchor it in to your body and your mind and really learn it.

And then you just go right back to only consuming propaganda that presents the dysfunctional archetypes, what’s going to happen is that you’ll slowly go back to sleep. And that’s what this guy did. He wasn’t completely awake and aware, if you will. He became awake and aware, but he didn’t spend the time to really anchor it into his body and his life. And then he went right back to consuming only propaganda and dysfunctional archetypes. And over time, he just kind of went back to sleep.

So we have got to pay attention to what we’re consuming because it has an effect on us. And you have to take the time. That’s why I say 10 to 15 times, because there’s so many things that are in The Book that are going to be the opposite of what society and what movies and TV and the culture teaches us. I mean, you think about it, like this particular guy. Let’s see, does he say how old he is? Uh, I don’t think he says how old he is.

But if you take the average 30 year old dude, you’ve been consuming this/these dysfunctional archetypes for decades, and then you spend a few months or maybe even a year with my book, and you only read it 6 or 7 times, and then you stop. And then you go back to only consuming the propaganda that you’ve been, in essence, consuming your whole life. Well, it’s the old programming is going to be able to easily overwrite the partial new programming that you’ve kind of put in your brain, if you will. So with that in mind, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey there Coach Corey,

I’ve been dating a girl for just over a year now and we broke up last night. When we became exclusive, I thought: she’s my girlfriend now, I don’t have to work as hard, she’s in love so I’m good, this girl is different than others, etc.

And despite the fact this guy is familiar with my work and used what he learned to get this girl to that point, he does what pretty much most guys do in society. It’s when they get into a long term relationship and they become serious. It’s like they just check out. They think, “hey, I got this. Now things can change. I’m an easy street. I got the girl. She’ll just stay feeling this way about me forever. And I can coast now.”

And what predictably happens is they stop dating and courting her. They get focused on life or whatever. They don’t make her feel heard and understood. And eventually the woman falls out of love and leaves him. If she’s a low character woman in the process of her leaving, she’ll probably cheat on you or line up other guys, maybe sleep with one of your friends, or accidentally hook up with the guy from work or her boss or whatever.

I think I saw a stat a couple weeks ago. It was something like when affairs happen, I think it’s 40 or 60% of the time it’s with somebody that’s from work. And so if you just don’t take the time to learn this stuff and permanently change your behavior and maybe once a year go back to The Book just to kind of refresh it. As long as you’re always consuming traditional media and TV, you’re getting propaganda and so that stuff will lull you back to sleep.

Because I stopped paying attention, I started to notice the signs and therefore I got my face in the book and videos, but it was too late.

So it wasn’t until things were really going sideways that he started going back to it and it was too late.

My old behaviors of being too nice, pleasing, and too available came back; I became perturbed, and I did not lead communication correctly. I fell short because I stopped reading the book (6-7 times) after we became exclusive. I never thought I would be in this position because I knew all of this information. 

Well, you thought you knew. As I say in The Book, you’re only going to retain maybe eight, nine, 10% of what you read each time you go through it. So he maybe got 60% of The Book committed to memory again, because most of us are lazy. Everybody is lazy.

You want the lazy man’s way to success, and wealth and romance, and the perfect body and everything you want in life without really having to work too hard for it. And as Jocko Willink says, “Discipline equals freedom.” And if you’re not disciplined, you’re going to pay.

She became very busy at work and did not make me a priority. Upon noticing this, I just let her come to me. We saw each other a couple times within two weeks but I showed vacillating behavior. After not hearing from her for about a week and a half she reached out:

And so here is their partial text exchange.

Her: Hi! Wanna meet up tonight for dinner?

Me: Good to hear from you! I’m busy tonight but what days can you get together next week?

So he’s kind of putting her off in the future. This is your girlfriend of a year. You should just be like, “come over.” But you’re a year in a relationship and you’re like, “yeah, I’ll get with you next week.” There’s no intimacy in a relationship. If after a year together, and that’s how it is., it’s [gives look of questioning]. It should be, “Hey. Come over. Hey. I miss you. Get your ass over here.” Because if you’re doing everything right, the girl is going to be with you just about every night.

Or you’re going to be at her place every night. And if after a year, you’re like, seeing each other once or twice a week, there’s a total lack of intimacy and closeness between the two of you. So that should be obvious, because he’s talking to her. And this kind of text exchange looks like, you know, a girl he’s been out with 2 or 3 times. And so this is your girlfriend. You’re like, “oh, I can’t make time for you next week. Let’s get together next week.”

Her: No worries! I’m typically free around 7:30-8 so anytime next week around that time. What works for you?

It’s like I mean, just as text exchange. It’s like, again, it sounds like a stranger. You’ve been in a relationship with this girl for a year.

Me: Grab a bottle of wine and meet me at my place 8pm next Wednesday.

I did not invite her but demanded. When she didn’t reply, (it was a test), I called a couple days later (chased) and asked if she was coming over Wednesday. She answered in a short, cold voice that she can’t because of work but agreed to Friday at 8pm.

So I mean, at this point, they’re just kind of [dismissively waves had away]. He basically told her she wasn’t that important. And what’s she doing? She’s giving it back to him. “Well, I guess I’m not that worth it.” This is your girlfriend of a year, and you’re telling you can’t see her for a week. You should just be like, “come over. Come over. We’ll go grab something to eat.” I mean that you should just always be together by this point in time.

She came over, we went out, had fun like normal, then I noticed she was not right so I asked her questions which let her open up to begin the break up talk.

I was a jack in the box: She felt that I was upset when I called but I didn’t admit it. Even though I said I wasn’t upset at the time, she knew I was. 

Yeah, women can sense that, man. It’s like you’re not fooling her. You just can’t fool women like that. They can tell. “Are you sure? Are you sure you’re okay?” “I’m fine. Honey, it’s great. It’s okay. Stop asking. I’m not mad.”

I was rigid: She explained that she could never call or text me because she was trying to respect me.

Again. It’s like after a year of being together, it’s that text exchange was atrocious. It sounds like a girl he’s only been out with a handful of times. Not your lover or your teammate. The girl who’s you’re waking up next to every morning and going to sleep with at night. I mean, after that much time, I mean, within a couple of months of dating, if you’re following what’s in The Book, she’s going to be stuck to you like a sucker fish.

She’s always going to want to be with you and spend the night. So if you’re dating for a year and that’s how your relationships going, you missed something completely. That’s what happens when you half ass it and you shortcut it, and you get a little arrogant and full of yourself.

I never gave her the freedom to call or text freely because I always insisted on being in person.

Don’t be a robot. “You must, come over. We can’t just see each other. Must have official date. Do as I say. Woman. Comply.”

I wasn’t paying attention to her reciprocation. e.g. I did her taxes. I just did things for her like a nice guy without her asking. 

Doesn’t sound like a lot of excitement. I mean, it’s supposed to be fun and romance and adventure. That’s what you’re looking for. Doesn’t sound like a lot of romance and adventure is going on between these two? It just sounds like they were occasional fuck buddies. Maybe they were exclusive fuck buddies.

She didn’t like it that my actions always revolved around her schedule and that she felt bad that she couldn’t find the time to be with me. She said that she barely has time for herself and her dogs.

Again, it’s like if there’s problems in your relationship, it’s just, “how about dinner tonight?” He’s like, “no, how about next week?” It’s like, what kind of response is that?

She complained that I was nonchalant. She didn’t like how I was indifferent about her wanting to break up. She didn’t like how I just tolerated TV shows that she wanted to watch.

Yeah, it’s like if you’re sitting there watching trash TV with her and you hate it, and then you just go, “oh, it’s fine, everything’s great”, and you’re not really paying attention. Versus like, I know the way I am is like, “this sucks. This is bullshit. I’m not watching this.”

And I’ll do I’ll do something else because I’m not going to watch garbage. But if she wants to watch, it’s like, whatever, babe. But if you sit there and you force yourself to watch something when you don’t want to watch it, and she’s like, “are you okay with this?” He’s like, “oh, it’s fine”, she can tell. Whereas me, my attitude is like, “I’m not watching this crap.” I tuned it out. I’ll do something else.

I’ll be on Twitter doing something that I want to do that I enjoy, but we’re still together in the same room. So we enjoy each other’s company. But I’m not forcing. I’m not pretending to sit there and watch something I really don’t want to watch. But you know, after a while, that trash TV is like some of the shit that happens. You’re like, what? You have to stop what you’re doing every now and then and look up.

She didn’t like how I wanted a prenup but explained that even though she was in my top five trusted people (she reciprocated) things can go wrong down the road e.g. illness, etc. which would make her life miserable.

She believes that that is part of the marriage agreement to put up with those things as they come, and I agreed. She didn’t like how I agreed and said she didn’t want me to change my opinion based on what she wants. When I heard her viewpoint, it was something I could work with and made sense to me.

So if you’re adamant about a prenup, it’s got to be something fair. Because negotiating a prenup is kind of like negotiating a partnership agreement with business partners. It’s like if you can’t come to terms upfront in a loving manner, in how you would split things up if things don’t work out well, then your values and your goals don’t probably align.

And that’s part of the process, because just leaving things to the laws of the state in a lot of places, maybe the majority of places, the laws are kind of slanted against the guy and they’ve really become unfair.

She didn’t like how on vacation I complained about pricing even though she said she wanted to cover the costs.

So she wanted to contribute. And he was dogmatic and like, no, you’re not paying for anything. I run shit here.

She felt shut down because I was causing the trip to become negative.

Yeah. If you’re on a vacation together and you’re complaining about price, then she offers to pay for things and you won’t let her. And then you continue complaining about price. It’s like. You’re not supposed to be a benevolent dictator. It’s supposed to be a co-creation together.

She complained that we don’t have a connection anymore.

Yeah, I mean. That first text exchange in the beginning of the email, I was like, it doesn’t sound like there was ever a connection.

And that when we get together it is just updating each other about the week. 

Yeah, it’s just very superficial. Not a real deep, intimate type of relationship. Almost like they come over for, or he goes over to her place for a booty call and then that’s it.

She ultimately stated: she wanted to move on because we were in different parts of our lives and that our paths do not align in the future, that she is always in the present moment and remembers things as they come and feared that she would forget me, that she can’t satisfy me with sex because her sex drive is basically zero.

If her sex drive is zero, she’s not turned on. When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs are going to close. So if you’re not dating, courting her, or like in this case, you’re like, I’ll see you in a week and a half. It’s like after I read that, that’s a red flag, if that’s your relationship after a year of being together, it’s like, yeah. Again, it sounds like you’ve only been out on 2 or 3 dates and this is somebody you just met. So maybe it was always like that I don’t know, but it’s like, that’s not a healthy, intimate, exclusive, monogamous relationship. That’s like two occasional fuck buddies getting together every once in a while to release the tension.

This could have been resolved through communication and consistent masculine behavior. I failed to lead. I feel like a complete failure. I am in no contact currently. Any insight is appreciated.

Thanks for your time and your constant strive to make people’s lives better.

Bob

Well, she made it clear that she wanted to break up and didn’t want to stay together. And all you can really do at that point is like, “hey, well, I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d love to work things out, but you know, I can’t do it by myself. So if you ever change your mind, get in touch. Otherwise, it’s been a hell of a ride. I wish all the best.” And then you leave it at that. And then at that point, you’re following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. And if I was him, you got to get back into reading The Book and learning it and stop being such a cold fish.

I mean, the way he treats his girl, his girlfriend is like a total fucking stranger, somebody he barely knows and vice versa. It’s like they would get together for cordial sex occasionally. And so if he’s trying to have sex with her and she’s rejecting him, it’s like that guy is so far off course, I doubt whether he really even got to the point where she was deeply head over heels in love. Maybe in the beginning, after they became exclusive.

But it’s like, man, it’s like an emotionless zombie, a total cold fish. And it’s like treating your girlfriend like she’s a stranger like that. You missed completely the point of The Book. It sailed way over your head. You have to spend the time with the material, applying the material. So what you see is in The Book is what’s showing up in your relationship, and you want to consistently refer back to it. There’s no shortcuts to success. You can’t half ass it like this guy did, because if you do, this is what happens. You have a cold, emotionless relationship with absolutely no intimacy, no connection, no closeness at all.

Again, it’s like, man, I’m shocked that this guy would say those kinds of things and have that kind of communication with his girlfriend of a year because he treats her like a stranger and vice versa. No wonder she doesn’t want to stay together. It’s like being in a relationship with somebody for a year, and after the whole year, you still don’t really know each other. That’s pretty sad, because that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

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