Why putting a lover on a pedestal and feeling like you are somehow privileged to be with them, gives away your power, makes you look weak, leads to rejection and communicates you do not feel worthy of having them in your life.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dumped several times over the past year by his girlfriend. They previously dated for about four months straight earlier in the year before she dumped him the first time. She has told him she has broken up with him due to her not being able to get a babysitter for her kids so they can spend more time together. He says he has been following my work for a while and is on the second read of my book, but he does not seem to realize he is smothering her and making her feel like she is losing her freedom when he becomes clingy and focused on their relationship status.
He also tends to put her on a pedestal and acts like he does not feel he is worthy of her. He mistakenly feels like being with her is a privilege, instead of feeling like he deserves her. I tell him what he needs to focus on and how to modify his game, so she falls in love and puts an end, once and for all, to the emotional roller coaster. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’ve watched your videos now for a while, and I’m on the second reading of your book. Great work. I need some help. I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for 7 months now. She has two lovely kids. I have one. We dated before that for 4 months, but she ended it because of not being able to commit to dates with no babysitters for her kids. (That is a terrible excuse for ending the relationship.) We met up again after 6 months, and started seeing each other again. This time, it’s better, as her mum helps, and I met the kids gradually. (If you’re dating a woman who has children, it’s better to already be in an exclusive relationship when you meet them.) She had been married to an abusive husband. I think the kids witnessed his crap, and they don’t really see him now. It was great really getting to know her and the kids. We were really into each other. (Someone like this might have emotional baggage.)
After a while, she invited me to holiday with them this summer, invited me to stay over on Christmas Eve night, (Obviously, she felt safe and comfortable with you at that point), meet her parents and still wanted to spend time with me right up until two weeks ago. She also invited my daughter to come on holiday and bring a friend. I was very conscious of how significant all of those things were, and I was privileged that she would include me in all those events. (Does this really sound like a guy who views himself as an equal? It sounds like you have put her on a pedestal, and you will put up with small incidences of disrespect to keep her in your life.) I honestly thought those were signs that she was happy and wanted me to be with her. I can only judge her on her actions and what she said. (What’s helpful to use at this point is the attraction table in my book, so you can look at her actions and know where you stand with her.)
Difficulties have started, as her son is making it more difficult for her to get time on her own or see me. (Attraction level cuts through everything. Women will give up their religion, families, kids and careers if they are head over heels in love with you.) He likes me, but I think he is jealous and insecure by my presence. I know this was stressing her, as she didn’t want to be telling me she couldn’t see me and we couldn’t get out much. (Again, if she was head over heels in love with you, she wouldn’t care.) She broke it off with a crappy story. We spoke 4 days later, and she apologized. (Did you speak because she reached out to you, or did you reach out to her because you were trying to force things? You’re focused on what you can do to get this girl to want to spend more time with you. It sounds like you don’t view yourself as being worthy enough to be with her, and you’re falling under the “The Illusion of Action,” thinking you have to try extra hard to get her to fall in love with you.) She said she wanted to think things over. (That just means she’s not that into you.) I left it for 4 days again, and she contacted me to meet up. I couldn’t that day, but she said she wanted to meet up for my birthday. She was also very flirty and affectionate in her texts. (Notice what happened. You left her for four days and did nothing, and she reached out to you. Women need time and space away from you to wonder and think about you, which will cause them to feel your strength to resist them. If you don’t let sexual anticipation build, you’ll get nowhere.)
We went out for the day, had a great time, she brought presents for her kids and myself, and we went back to her place. We had great sex. (She had a complete attitude adjustment after you left her alone. Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.) Then she dropped a line to say that she still thinks she can’t see herself in a relationship. (She’s communicating she doesn’t want you to lock her down to a commitment.) I asked her what the last 4 days were all about, and I got up and left. (Instead of being glad you two had hooked up and had great sex, you were focused on drama. However, women are like cats, and they will get bored of you. The only way to get them back is to let them be.) I met with her 2 days later, and I challenged her about mixed messages. (Now you are trying to lock her down to a commitment again. She’s dumping you for the same reasons, over and over.) She said she was going with the flow on that day. I said, the mixed messages were coming from the day she texted me to meet up, as there was nothing really by way of a reply. (That is a bad way to go dude. This is why it helps to read my book 10-15 times. The more you read it, it helps rewire your thinking. You really haven’t modified your game very much.)
I have gone no contact since. (You should let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on, and make dates when you hear from her. Just leave her alone, and be happy when she reaches out.) I want to sort out the mess, as I love her, and she says she still loves me and she wants us to work out. But I feel that she just wants to keep me dangling around. Any views would be greatly appreciated. (The only reason she’s dangling you around is because you’re allowing her to do that by acting needy and clingy. Stop trying to create a confrontation with her.)
My response to him:
You need to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. As my book teaches, your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Wait to hear from her, then when you do, make the next date. All that BS about not being about to find a babysitter, being confused, etc., is woman speak for, “I’m just not that into you. You have turned me off.” You need to stop focusing on a relationship, finding out where you stand with her, locking her down to a commitment and interjecting yourself into her family life. You should start dating other women to get yourself some other options. You should use my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” as a guide on how to proceed with her going forward if she reaches out to you in the future.
As far as your planned trip goes in August, I would cancel your reservations and get your money back. I would not tell her unless she brings it up. If she asks why, tell her it’s because she broke up with you and you did not know what the future would hold.
Follow-up response from him:
Thanks for your response in April. I am not writing now looking for any further advice, but more to say a big thank you. I have not gotten back with my ex, but the break up, how I dealt with it and your book, I’m on my 5th reading, made me look at myself, rather than anyone else. I realized that I needed help. My sister had been at me for years to get counseling. We came from a broken home, in which my father and mother were very abusive to one another, both physically and verbally. We were very young, and they split when I was 7. I remember some occasions when my father beat my mother and feeling afraid and powerless to stop it. I didn’t realize how significant those feelings were until recently. Later my mother started a relationship with another man about 18 months after leaving my father. He was a complete fucking scumbag. He abused my sister on many occasions. I was a witness to one such occasion when I was 9 or 10. I was scared stiff in my bed afraid to move. I did not say anything. My sister and I never spoke about this, and she never knew I knew.
After that, I went to live with my grandparents until my grandmother died when I was 17. My dad wasn’t about much either. I was talented at soccer, that gave me an outlet, and I met many people through that. I had a child at 19 with someone whom I had nothing in common with. Bad start to another life. But my relationship with my daughter has been the one bright spark and inspired me to go back to school, and I obtained my law degree.
My sister and I drifted, but she came to me when she was 21, I was 23, to say that she was going to the Police here about the abuse. I told her at that stage that I witnessed something. I gave a statement to Police, the case ended up in court, and I was cross-examined, as was my sister. It was the most frightening experience ever, and I am lawyer. The man who abused my sister was found guilty of the sexual abuse and was sent to jail. At that point, I probably should have gone to counseling with my sister, but I didn’t. I cruised along making much of the same old mistakes. These were highlighted by this breakup. I hit rock bottom and decided to go to counseling. It was very intense, but identified much the issues the guy had in your recent video, “I Need To Work On Myself.” No self worth, not thinking I’m good enough, and ending up needy, clingy and insecure.
The counseling really helped, and I am continually trying to better myself. I have gotten to the point where I am standing on my own two feet. I have been consistently reading your book since July. I confronted my parents about our past, and we have resolved our issues. The most challenging part was probably challenging the abuser. I met him one day, and got everything of my chest. I have been feeling far better, and I have not contacted my ex again. She knows nothing about my counseling. My ex has her own issues from a really abusive marriage, and our relationship was doomed from the start. Too much unresolved baggage on both parts.
All I wanted to say is thank you. I will continue to study your work and read your book. I have been putting it into practice, and I am seeing 2 women who have high interest in me. I am taking better care of myself, both physically and spiritually. My work is going well, and generally, I am in a better mood.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“People tend to act in ways that are consistent with who they view themselves to be, even if that view is not accurate. Our focus, self-perception and self-talk determine what we say, how we say it, what we do, how people treat us, our physiology and where we end up in life. You should think before you speak, to ensure what you are about to say or do portrays you in a positive, confident, determined, desirable and valuable way. Why? Because people will treat you the way you view yourself. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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