In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has come to realize, after following my work for the past several months, that he really needs to spend time working on himself. He says he needs to focus on his career, mission, purpose, expand his social circle and pay off his debt. He discovered he was using the women in his life as the source of his happiness, instead of women being a contributing factor to his happiness. This incorrect focus on finding a woman to make him happy caused him to over-pursue, act clingy and stalkerish, and basically chase every good woman he met right out of his life. He shares what his priorities are now and what he is focused on, so he can reach his full potential after getting dumped by a woman for whom he really cared. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
First off, I’d like to thank you and tell you my story, which 100% confirms your theory and principles. (I don’t teach theory. I teach what actually works.) I wrote to you about 2 weeks ago, but I imagine it was needy, wussy bollocks that would have made the eyes roll out of your head! I basically tried to find reasons why my ex dumped me that weren’t my fault. Shame on me! (Nobody wants to admit that they fucked up, so kudos to you for realizing something wasn’t working in your life, and going out to seek answers.) Anyway, 2 and a half years ago, my wife left me for the ugly dude in her office who was obviously satisfying her needs, as I had settled much the same as you say you did. I realize now, it was because I was a pleaser and she slowly lost all respect for me as a man until she had a replacement lined up. Anyway, I’m glad she’s happy now, as she would’ve made my life a misery, obviously, as I was already a pussy with her, and in her eyes, my balls had floated off into space never to be seen again!
For two years, I dated chicks that were more into me than I was into them, like that friend of yours you mention in one of your videos. (A lot of people do that. When you look at the statistics of married people, many people are not in love with the people they married.) This was clearly as a defense mechanism not to get hurt again. I have no problem meeting girls, as I’m good looking, have a great bod, I’m charismatic, fun, have a good job, etc. However, 5 months ago, I met a chick off a dating website, and she blew my world immediately. (Those kinds of women are the kinds that magnify the areas you need to work on. They are really good at finding all the chinks in your armor.) For the first 2 months, things were going great, although probably too much texting during the day, therefore no mystery. She even said on more than one occasion that I always reply immediately, and she finds that less attractive. (She was basically saying your texting too much makes you look needy and clingy.) I know you’re going to repeat that line! This I chose to ignore, as I was really into her, (She was helping you because she liked you. Women find guys more attractive when they are hard to get a hold of), and just replied that I don’t play games. (It’s not about playing games. It’s about having a life outside of your relationship.) After 2 months, I visited friends in the US on vacation for 3 weeks and messaged her far too much! (You were messaging her from a place of control and manipulation, trying to force interactions with her, in order to seek validation. Without realizing it, that’s what you were constantly communicating.) Where’s the mystery in that huh?! When I got back, things seemed fine, but action wise, she was definitely backing off. (When the cat gets bored, it leaves and goes someplace else. I wrote about this in my article and video, “Women Are Like Cats, Men… Dogs.”) So, I slowly chased that cat straight out of town. She’d start cancelling dates, and I was far too available. Anyway, after a vacation with her friends, when I barely heard from her, she eventually told me she wanted to cool things and not make any plans when I’d seen her once in a whole month! (You couldn’t even see how your actions had been driving her away up to that point.) Fortunately, I’d already started following your work about a month earlier and sent the, “It’s a shame as we always have fun together. Give me a shout if you change you mind,” response. Clearly I should’ve backed off during the last month we were together too, but at least I didn’t chase when she finally called it off. (At that point, the damage had been done.)
She’s 28, never had a relationship, and I was by far the most serious, as I met her friends and family. She also has a great social life, living with her best friends who are also hot and single. (If she’s beautiful, she has choice with who she wants to date, and like so many other guys, you began to turn her off.) I’ve not heard from her now for 5 weeks, with the exception of her liking one of my Facebook pics 2 weeks after she called it off. Don’t worry. This didn’t cause me to break the radio silence. (The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. You have heard nothing from her, so what does that tell you? She doesn’t miss you. Obviously, it was too little too late.) Clearly, my behavior and allowing her to cancel on me and always be available was feminine behavior that destroyed her attraction towards me, until she couldn’t take it any more. (She gave you plenty of chances and even told you to back off, but you kept pursuing and trying to force things until she was turned off by you.)
Anyway, and here’s my point. I realize that I am fundamentally unhappy with my career, financial situation and social opportunities, as all my friends are settled with babies. This unhappiness clearly manifested itself in the way I behaved in the ‘relationship,’ as I saw her wanting and falling for me as my way to be happy. (You try harder, because you think if you get her to fall in love with you, all of your problems will be solved. However, it’s important to focus on taking care of you first. Then you can share your completeness with somebody, instead of chasing the wind with somebody.) I now realize my priorities in life are focusing on changing my job, developing my business, clearing my debt and expanding my social circle. I also need to work on my masculine core as my father, although a very loving man, is basically a pushover and the opposite of alpha.
I assume that her attraction dropped below 50%, and therefore I won’t hear from her again. Even so, if she came back tomorrow, I haven’t let the attachment go yet and need to seriously work on myself, or this is going to happen in every future relationship. (Good for you for the fact that you recognize this. Once you know the problem, then you can do the work to fix it, and you’re no longer a victim.) Maybe over time, and after dating a few idiots, she may look back, and my needy behavior will fade. (It’s possible, but I wouldn’t count on it.) But, whatever – I intend on seriously working on myself and finding someone much better! (Focus on your outcome. You want a great girl that appreciates you and adores you. You haven’t heard from this ex of yours in five weeks so maybe she doesn’t miss you, or maybe she has another guy. It really doesn’t matter. She’s not making any effort, so nothing is possible at this point.)
Thank you so much for your advice and guidance. You’re like a handsome, athletic Buddha my friend. I’m just starting my second reading of your book. (Thanks for the success story. I honor you for the fact that you’re able to recognize where you’ve been screwing up and are taking corrective action. At this point, there’s nothing to it but to do it.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The best investment in life that pays the best dividends is to invest in becoming a better version of yourself. When you focus on you, making yourself happy and creating a life and lifestyle that is emotionally compelling to you, you’ll make yourself more attractive to potential lovers. You’ll also become more sought after in your career and peer group. The more successful, awesome and happy you become, the more you will draw other like-minded people to you to willingly and enthusiastically co-create with you. Depending upon the love or presence of another in your life for your happiness will lead to suffering, heartache, heartbreak and disappointment. Depending upon yourself and your actions to get you from where you are right now to where you want to be will lead to incremental progress, success and sustainable happiness long-term.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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