I Folded Like A Cheap Deck Chair While Trying To Get Out Of Friend Zone

The importance of sticking to your romantic desires while trying to get out of friend zone.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been stuck in friend zone for a year with a girl he really likes. He walked away and was in no contact for eight months. Then she came back and successfully intimidated him into caving and acting soft instead of courageous and brave.

Instead of making a move when she showed up to his place unannounced, he went for a car ride in her new van, kissed her cheek like a friend and recited a poem. He got nowhere. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular emailer has been stuck in friend zone for nine months now. He finally walked away, went no contact for about eight months after he got nowhere. She came back, but she’s been able to intimidate him because anybody that’s been stuck in friend zone, especially when you’re acting effeminate and girly and not masculine and attractive, a woman is going to form an opinion of you, and it’s hard to shift things back to the romantic direction once you’ve got stuck in friend zone. It’s kind of where this guy is. Part of his problem is, instead of being courageous and brave, he’s kind of meek and a little cowardly when it comes to standing up for himself and what he wants. You’ll notice, as we go through the email, that the girl comes back, her interest starts to bubble up a little bit, but when she gets together with him in person, he goes for the hug, he doesn’t really stand up for what he wants because he’s just too afraid to get rejected and then he ends up getting rejected anyways. So it’s a good example of what you fear you attract and what you look at disappears.

This is a hard thing, because I remember when I was young and didn’t have the confidence that I had now, it’s like I could remember feelings of fear, and it felt like thousands of little needles shooting me in the arms. Like my whole body, as I’m talking to somebody I was interested in, or thinking about making a move, or just something simple like making eye contact and doing the kiss test, I remember the first few times I started doing that, and then I noticed the girls looking at my lips to it internally. It’s kind of freaking me out a little bit because then you see that and you’re like, “Oh wow, now I need to make the move. Now I need to go for the kiss, but what if she rejects me?” So there’s like the, “Should I? Should I not?” You’re like shitting all over yourself, and that’s kind of where this particular guy is at.

You can tell he’s kind of watched too many Disney movies because his way of expressing his feelings or his interest, it’s like something you see in a movie that a dork wrote that never got laid, never got the girl in high school, so they have this fantasy of how things are. So in the movies, you recite a poem and the girl just melts all over him, and then they live happily ever after. You do that in real life and then you don’t make a move, she’s just going to think you’re a bitch.

Let’s see what we can do to help this guy get out of the friend zone.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach,

Hope you are doing well. 

Last Sunday I recited this poem, “Half Lovers,” by Khalil Gibran from memory to a girl I have been hanging out with for about nine months in which I made two moves that were rejected half way through, so I walked away for eight months. We met casually through social groups two times within that period and my behavior was really feeling kind of neutral towards her.

One week later after the last time we met…

Or they bumped into each other.

…She sent me a voice memo pointing out how my energy was felt negative and advised me to take actions to prevent myself from getting into a worst situation because she thinks something bad is happening in my life. I was like, “What the fuck?”

After two days, I called her…

You shouldn’t have called her.

…And said, “I’m not interested in being a platonic friend. I will not suppress myself sexually around you. I’m a full package. You can’t have half and leave half. The ball is in your court now.” She acknowledged. 

A month later she wrote to me if there was any chance I would like to meet up. I replied, “Bring your sexy ass to the crib Saturday at 20:00…”

So where would that be? I guess, 8 p.m.? He puts military time here. I’ll have to think about it.

“…I want to see you in red lingerie.” She never answered for three weeks.

Because her interest is low, her respect is low. The idea is, if you want to be romantic, you can’t act platonic. As I talk about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You want sex and romance, she says, “Hey, how about friendship and blue balls?” When you’re in the place that this guy is at, they know each other and it never went anywhere, he took her out on dates and just didn’t get anywhere with her. So you’re not going to meet her out, you’re not going to pick her up, you’re not going to go out on dates. The furthest that you’re going to be willing to travel is the distance that it takes to go from wherever you are in your house to your front door to let her in.

On a sunny Sunday while I’m rolling a joint in the kitchen in peace around 15:00…

Actually, it’d be 3 p.m.

…I hear the door bell. It was her. I hugged her kissed her on the cheek and thought she submitted.

Dude, you kissed her on the fucking cheek? Come on, dude. You go and you kiss her on the lips. When you kiss her on the cheek, you’re bitching out. You’re not being courageous and brave. You’re being cowardly. You told her you weren’t interested in friendship, and then she comes to your door unexpectedly and you kiss her on the cheek. You submitted. She didn’t submit. You submitted.

Told her, “So, do you have something red underneath?” She replied, “No, but I got a red van.” She wanted to show me the van she got to convert to a camper. As we spoke about that project in the past pre-the rejection era, so she thought that would make me happy.

Well, I would have said, “So instead of the red lingerie, you just got your birthday suit under there. That’s acceptable. Why don’t you come on in? Let’s have a drink.” She can show you the van, but I wouldn’t go anywhere with her. You gotta have her come to you. You want her to submit to you. You’re interested in sex and romance, she shows up unannounced, basically puts herself in your orbit showing up like that, but she’s trying to see if you’re kind of a bitch and of course, you open the door and you kiss her on the cheek like a friend because you’re too scared to go for the kiss.

At that point, she was already in the apartment and my good heart prevented me…

I should say, not your good heart. Your cowardly heart.

…From confronting her about what we previously agreed on.

Well, this is what women do. They test your strength. You told her you wanted her to show up a red lingerie, she shows up with a red van instead. Instead of kissing her on the lips and saying, “Hey, cutie, why don’t you come on in,” you bitch out and kiss her on the cheek? It shows you’re not brave enough.

Women love confidence. You didn’t have the confidence to go for a kiss, because if you had gone for the kiss and she’d had turn her head and given you the cheek, it was like, “Well, what are your intentions? Are you here for sex and romance? Or are you here because you’re trying to be pals and buddies?” And she says, “Oh, I just want to be a friend.” It’s like, “Well, I’m going to close this door, and if you’re interested in sex and romance, you can knock on it again, but if you just want to be friends, then I’m going to close the door so you can go hang out with somebody that’s OK with just being friends, because I’m not. So it’ll be fun to see what you’re going to do,” and then close the door. Let her knock on it and go, “Hey, you! I think you should get it over with and kiss me right now,” but again, he’s not being courageous and brave. He’s being cowardly.

I can understand that this is like the wall of fear that he’s trying to punch through, and I know what it’s like. I’ve been there. We all are there at some point in our lives. Some of us guys get over it sooner than others, and this guy is yet to get over it.

So I went out with her to a green high ground area with a metal tower that goes up high beyond the trees. Up there after an intellectual talk, I never seem to be able to shift it to useful fun nonsense talk.

Well again, you told her you were interested in sex and romance and she shows up at your house, and instead of acting like a lover, you continue acting like a friend. So you’re friend-zoning yourself through your actions because you’re acting like a bitch. That’s reality. Then instead of her staying at your castle, you get in her car because you told her to show up in red lingerie. She shows up with a red van, and instead of you keeping it focused on sex and romance, you get in her car and drive away and basically make her the man. Then you go hang out like buddies. That’s on you. 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says you don’t take them out on dates. You don’t do any of that stuff, but you’re not following it because you’re too scared to.

I told her, “Would you like to hear something?”

Let me guess. He’s going to read her the poem.

She said yes. So I recited the poem. She seemed a bit different after. Hope she will get the message from it. 

Dude, it’s like you’re acting like a chick. You’re thinking you’re going to read this poem because you saw something like that in a movie and then the girl knew exactly what you were trying to do. That’s why she looked at you like, “What? Why is he reading me a poem?” Instead of just saying, “Well, what’s the password?” She’s like, “I don’t know.” It’s like, “Well, you got to kiss me,” and she’s like, “Well, I’m not kissing you.” I would be like, “OK well, you’re not coming inside. I was very clear. I’m interested in sex and romance. I’m not interested in being pals.”

I can understand she kind of caught him a little off guard because she just showed up unannounced, but that’s typically what they do. She came over to your place, had the possibility in her mind that she would hook up with you, and instead you bitched out and started acting like the gay male girlfriend instead, and that’s on you.

I fully acknowledge my mistakes done on that last forced hangout, which I should have declined all together.

No, you should have just invited her in and told her, again reiterated the terms. If you open the door and she’s there like, “So obviously you’re here to kiss me, so why don’t you get it over with? Stop standing there in my doorway and kiss me passionately and let’s make love,” and she says, “No, I just want to show you my van.” It’s like, “Well, I’m interested in making love and you can show me your van afterwards,” but he didn’t have the balls to do it. He was too scared. He was scared he was going to stay stuck in friend zone. So what did he do? He acted like the gay male girlfriend the whole time, and guess what? He stayed stuck in friend zone. He thought just by vomiting a cheesy ass poem to her that she’s going to go, “Oh my God, I know what to do. Now let me just pull my panties off and let’s get to it.” You got to be the man. You got to be the leader, dude. Jump up and down really hard, maybe your balls will finally drop.

I’m 38 never had a relationship prior to being asked out by this girl who is 34. All I had was like 26 one night stands and “Pay to play” between the age of 25 and 36.

What does that mean? A “Pay to play.” You had a steady hooker for 11 years?

I came across your work after the rejection as I was looking online to how optimally move forward. I listened to the audio-book four times after the rejection.

Thank you and I wish you a great day.

Bob

Was it the rejection nine months ago or this one? We’re not really sure because he doesn’t say. At the end of the day, he folded like a cheap deck chair and that’s why you didn’t get out of friend zone. You didn’t have the balls to stand up for yourself and what you want. The girl shows up on a silver platter, and all you had to do was grab her and kiss her like she was yours and then invite her inside and then have your way with her. Instead you acted like a gay male girlfriend, so you’re still stuck in friend zone. There’s nothing you can really do at this point.

I wouldn’t call her. I wouldn’t text her. If she reaches out, say, “Are you coming over with that red lingerie on?” And she says, No, I just want to see how you’re doing,” or “I wanted to ask you about the camper conversion.” It’s like, “Well, I’m happy to discuss the camper conversion if you show up in your red lingerie and after we make love,” and she says, “Well, I’m not looking for that. I already told you, I just want to be your friend.” It’s like, “Well, I already told you. I’m not interested in that. So if you want my opinion on the camper conversion,” or whatever it is that she’s asking for, it’s like, “You got to show up in the red lingerie. Those are my terms, babe. Take it or leave it. I’d love to have you. I’d love to see you. Let me know if you change your mind,” but I wouldn’t call her, I wouldn’t text her and I wouldn’t reach out to her in any way. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. She might show up in a few weeks, but I mean, the way you acted when you were with her, you acted like a robot and like a friend again. This is why you didn’t get to the Promised Land, because you didn’t have the balls to go for it. So that’s on you.

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