What to do after over pursuing, smothering and failing to give your girl space after she asks for it.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who read 3% Man 15 times, but he failed to exercise emotional self-control, got emotionally hijacked and let his needy neurotic urges smother his girlfriend to the point she dumped him. She told him to move on. It’s a classic case of knowing what to do, but failing to exercise discipline and emotional self-control.
She asked for space, but he kept coming up with excuses to contact her after she asked him not to due to his fear of losing her. So, he made his irrational fears become reality by chasing his girlfriend out of his life. He asks what he can do to get her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Well, this email is a cautionary tale of what happens when you fail to exercise emotional self control and you allow yourself to get emotionally hijacked, and you let your needy, neurotic urges overcome you to the point of you literally chase a girl right out of your life.
I mean, this was my experience in my teenage years, especially my early 20s, so I feel a tremendous sense of compassion for guys that are going through this, but you have to go through this sometimes, and you have to experience this pain to recognize that the way you’re going about life is not working for you. This particular guy just constantly coming unglued, she says, “I need space,” and what does he do? He keeps contacting her. When a woman says, “I need space,” it means, “You’re smothering me. I feel like I’m losing my freedom. You’re needy and you’re clinging like a little boy. Grow the fuck up.” That’s what it really means.
Keep in mind as we go through this email, remember we have two primary fears: Fear that we’re not enough, and fear that we won’t be loved. You’ll see that this guy is totally driven by his fears, and it’s a good email to learn from.
I have a question for you. I’ve been listening to you for two years. Read your book 15 times, but listening to videos and listening to audio-book from time to time.
So even though he’s read the book 15 times, he’s still not exercising self-control, as you’ll see in a moment.
I’ve been with my girl for over a year. We were good for a couple of months. Until one day at my co worker anniversary party. Told me that I had a year to propose to her.
Let’s do a time out right here. Something you guys gotta understand about women, attraction level cuts everything. She says, “Oh, you got a year to propose.” She’s head over heels in love with you a year from now, and you’re like, “I’m not ready to get married. I love you, but I’m not ready to get married yet.” She says, “Well, I’m gonna leave you.” I was like, “I’m gonna be really sad that you leave. I’m gonna be sad about the loss of our relationship, but I’m not ready to get married.” What will happen? She’ll stay with them.
So that really doesn’t matter if your agenda, as the man, as the head of the household is, you’re not ready to get married yet. You don’t get married. Simple as that. If she leaves you after a year of dating because you didn’t and says because you didn’t propose is like, man. She’s not head over heels in love with you. Women don’t leave men they’re in love with. They leave men that they’ve lost attraction and respect for. That’s a fact of life.
I mean, how do I know? Look at how many female prison guards have fallen in love with the inmates and tried to get him out of prison and wrecked their whole fucking lives. You think that makes no logical sense? Why would a woman do that? Because of her emotions. They don’t care about what a great dude you are. They only care about how they feel about you.
That’s why dudes in prison are very good. They got lots of time in their hands. That shit happens a lot. There’s a lot fucking going on in the prisons. I know because I’ve got several people that used to work in prisons that I know. The inmates and the guards are doing a lot of fucking. That happens. Like you got men in prison that they got nothing else but time. They ain’t going anywhere, and you got women that come to work, “Hey, you can take your time,” get it wrapped around your fingers. She does little favors. Slides you some drugs.
I got off my center and told her, “Why are we rushing it?” I knew I messed up and should have said something light and funny.
So if she says something like that, after you got a year to propose to me, it’s like, “Well, if we’re going to get engaged after a year of dating, then you’re going to have to be the best girlfriend I’ve ever had in my life. You’re going to be fucking my brains out in so many amazing ways. Nobody’s better, babe. You’re right. Let’s do this today. Let’s go run off and get married. I’m excited about that. I’m excited about that deadline. I’m excited to see how good of a girlfriend you’re going to be over the next 12 months. So I accept your challenge.”
“If you’re really super awesome and you’re really the woman for me, then after 12 months, you will have totally convinced me. You’re right, babe, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Let’s do this.” Flip it around. Throw it back in her lap. She should be the one to convince you. This is the way it used to be in the old movies, 70 or 80 years ago, It’s A Wonderful Life. The women are always like, “I want my babies to look like you.” That’s innate. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, unlike what you see today with all the propaganda.
After that, we’ve been on and off.
So you’ve been unable to maintain consistent attraction. So when you’re on and off in the 12 months go by, yeah, she’s gonna blow you off because she’s not going to care.
I mean, if you’re on and off, she’s breaking up with you, getting back together, breaking up because you’re not stimulating her emotions consistently. It’s because you’re not acting like a man consistently. “Corey, why is it always the man’s fault?” Because this is a man that wrote in and the man is asking for advice. Not at this girl. Him. He’s like, “hat do I need to do to fix this?” I’m telling him, if you don’t like that, because usually people get triggered, it’s like, go follow somebody else. We’re men here. We’re fixing things. We handle things. That’s what we do. If that’s too much, there’s plenty of dudes in the red pill community that will convince you it’s all women’s fault and not yours. Good luck with that.
I would be at her house for four days, cause she asked me. After that, she’s cold and distant.
Well, there’s a chapter in the book that says women are like cats. Don’t take it personally.
I’ve over-pursued from time to time.
When you’re over-pursuing and you’re driven by fear, fear that we’re not enough, fear that you won’t be loved, the number one most attractive thing to women in a relationship is confidence. If you’re over-pursuing because you don’t think you’re good enough to have her, that’s what’s going on. If you don’t think you’re good enough to have her, well, she’s going to agree with you eventually.
You can’t act like a bitch and not expect to be treated like a bitch. That’s that’s innate. No ideology is going to overcome that. Not feminism, not red pill ideology. This stuff is innate to women. You act attractive, they’ll be attracted to you. You act like a bitch and they’ll be disgusted and repulsed. Some of them, if you got low character women that you’re interacting with, will really fuck you over in the worst ways possible.
Ask her for a date. She would decline and say that wants to be with her two kids.
I’m sure, “Oh, she’s a single mom. That’s your problem right there, Coach.” What if he’s a single dad with two kids?
It’s like he’s acting like a bitch. He’s admitted to it right here. It has nothing to do with her being a single mom. It’s possible she’s a fruit loop, and I always assume that we’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman. I’ve been through the email and I don’t see any behavior here that is not out of line with how women act. Either you’re attracting them to you or you’re repulsing them. This guy is doing more repulsing because he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be there. He deserves to have her. He’s treating her like a celebrity. He’s putting her on a pedestal, and women want to be with a guy they admire, they respect, and they look up to is not going to put up with their crap, and he’s going to call him out and put them in their place when they’re out of line. It’s as simple as that.
So, I would be hanging with me brother and work on my purpose.
At the end of the day, you should be dating other women. You should have other prospects. It’s clear you put all your eggs in this one basket here. This is part of what is in the book, is you got to be applying this. If you’re trying to apply it with one girl and you really haven’t taken the time to master it, it’s a lot harder that way. Especially if you’re you’ve read the book 15 times and yet you continue to do the opposite. It teaches you in the book not to over-pursue, and yet you over-pursue. Then you’re surprised she got turned off. That’s on you, man. It’s called discipline. As Jocko Willink says, “Discipline equals freedom.“
Fast forward to the beginning of December, which it was her birthday. She doesn’t want to celebrate it. Due to her ex of eight years would sabotage it. I did a small gesture and gave her flowers and her favorite snacks. She was appreciative of it and said that nobody gave her flowers before.
Whatever. You only give flowers to your girlfriend. She’s saying her ex of eight years. No, she just didn’t want to celebrate her birthday with you because she just didn’t give a shit.
Dude, it’s on and off. She doesn’t feel anything for you. You’re expecting her to act like a girl that’s head over heels in love, but yet she’s not there. You’re living in an alternate reality. You’re seeing things as you want them to be, but you’re completely ignoring that. Reality doesn’t match up with that. That’s on you.
We had the indoor Olympics before I went to work. The next week, she had the stomach virus. She asked if I could come over and take care of her and watch her son. Which I did cause it was no problem. Next day, I got sick. She took care of me. That was the last time I really spent time with her.
The next week, she told me that she needed some time to herself to be with her kids and her father that’s coming down from New York.
Yeah, if you were the love of her life and the guy that she was considering marrying, her father’s coming to town, and she’s got her kids there, she’d want you there. Instead, you’re just a guy she’s fucking with or fucking occasionally. You’re a fuck buddy. Friends with benefits. It’s not your girlfriend.
I said OK and no problem. I became anxious and did approval seeking behavior and illusion of action.
This is in the book. It’s laid out. It teaches you that if you behave this way, you’re going to turn her off, but you read it 15 times and you did it anyway. You were undisciplined. You chose not to exercise self control. You chose to treat her like your mommy and your human support animal.
Brought her favorite snacks to her. She was a little upset that I did that, but was appreciative of it.
Yeah, because she told you to leave her the fuck alone and you kept chasing, as the book says. I mean, women should be doing most, if not, all of the calling, texting and pursuing. She’s telling you to leave her alone and you won’t stop.
He was there for two weeks. Christmas Eve, I called to check on her (yeah I know).
He’s still over-pursuing.
She said I still need space.
He’s still blowing up her phone.
I kept sinking in the illusion of action. Called her on NYE. She said that she’s going on a permanent hiatus. Deleting social media and contacts. Told me I should move on. I was devastated when she said this. I told her to take care and call me if you change your mind.
This week, she called me.
Big shock! Well, at least you walked away.
Asking how I was doing. She told me her mother got on her after she told her what she did to me. Saying that you’re going to throw away a good man and she needs therapy from her physical and emotional abuse relationship from her ex.
Maybe. It’s probably truth to that. At the end of the day, she dumped you because you acted like a bitch. You acted like the sniveling bitch in that Verizon commercial. That’s one of the most disgusting displays of false masculinity I’ve ever seen in a commercial. The Verizon commercial. It’s fucking disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.
You got this skinny, scrawny, girlish, effeminate dude that is totally acting like an overly emotional 6-year-old little girl. Then the pretty, but very stoic and masculine wife walks in and is stoic and masculine. Teenage daughter walks in and is stoic and masculine. Son walks in and he’s having a fucking meltdown over the phone bill. When you see that enough from the time you’re born until you can you know when you can understand TV and understand the words being saying, then you see that all the time in your life you can’t help but that affect your thinking, especially if you don’t have a good example to follow growing up.
So I asked her about her schedule, she said she’ll get back to me. She also said that I hold a special place in her heart. She cut the call short cause she has personal matter to handle.
Now she’s probably just stirring the pot. “Oh, is he still interested? Can I still go out with him? OK, I got to check my schedule.”
So it shows that she wasn’t super excited to spend time with you. You should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, so she reaches out one more time. Assume she wants to see you. Make a date in the evening to make dinner at your place for her to come to you like it says there.
Don’t be a bitch and go to her. Doesn’t matter about her kids or anything. If she wants to see you, she can get a babysitter and she can come over and make dinner together. If she doesn’t want to do that, then you’re going to withdraw the offer. She has to earn another chance with you, dude, not the other way around.
The past few weeks I did 100% of the calling until she called me. She went from, “I love you,” to fully ignoring me and needing space. Is it a, “She’s a car and let her roam,” or BPD with her past?
“Oh it’s easy. Yeah, she’s got a borderline personality disorder. It’s not my fault.” That’s the big issue I have with the dudes in the red pill community. They want to blame women for everything, and in reality, you invite her into your life. You either need to get better at vetting, or you need to act more masculine because you’re going to have the same problems over and over and over again.
All these guys, I could talk to their ex-girlfriends or their women that dated them, and they all got blown off for exactly the same reasons. In this case, you’re not following the book, dude. You’re doing the opposite of it. You shouldn’t be surprised it’s not working because you’re not even following it. You’re doing your own thing, your own way. You’re acting like the bitch on the Verizon commercial. That’s what you’re acting like. That dude that acts like such a bitch in the Verizon commercial. That’s how you’re acting.
No woman is going, they may let you unclog their toilet, or change their car tires, or change out the battery in their car if it dies, but they’re not going to let you stick your dick in them when you act that way, just because you’re not acting like a man. They want a man that they admire and they respect, and they look up to and they can follow his lead. When you act like a sniveling little bitch, like you can maybe clean, clean the windows in her house or mop your floors or mow her lawn, but you’re not getting access to the box.
Again, back to 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. If she reaches out one more time, try to set a date. If she gives you, “I got to check my schedule,” then don’t ever bring up getting together again unless she brings it up first. You have to follow the script and it’s clear even though you read the book 15 times, you still do the opposite of it because you have no self control and you have no discipline, and that’s on you.
You can choose to be disciplined, or you can choose to continue acting in a way that acts like the dude in the Verizon commercial. That’s all on you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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