What you should do if your dream girl dumped you because you were being too nice and needy.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who lost his dream girl, because he was being too nice and needy. He’s been following my work for about two years, but only read the book twice in those two years and tried cherry picking information from my videos, instead of following the book’s instructions. Now he’s in ultimate pain, because he didn’t listen, and asks for help to get her back.
This guy basically details how he mostly did the opposite of what my book teaches and got predictably rejected. It’s a good email that illustrates the painful consequences of being too nice and needy, so you can avoid making the same mistakes. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I hate seeing these emails, but people don’t listen, they don’t take me seriously, and they kind of half-ass things in life. It’s not just in their personal life. It shows up in their career and how they take care of their body. It’s like, the average person is just mediocre and lazy. And now this guy’s in a lot of pain, and now is when he’s really kind of open to go, “Okay, maybe I should have listened to what you said. Maybe I should have read the book 10-15 times.”
Don’t be like this guy. That’s the whole point of going through these emails — so you can learn from it and see. If you’re familiar with the book, you can kind of see the slow train wreck, the slow car crash in motion as it happens in real time.
I’ve been following your work for almost 2 years now, I’ve read the book 4 times, (yes it wasn’t enough), and I’ve been listening to your YouTube videos almost every day for the past 2 years.
Well, the videos are not a substitution for learning the fundamentals in the book. Serious students are going to learn the fundamentals. And people who are lazy, who want to half-ass it and who are looking for shortcuts might get some attainable success initially, but it won’t be sustainable.
You’ll see, this guy gets some sustainable success out of the chute, but it quickly goes south, because this girl was obviously really into him at first. That’s why he was able to screw up so much and get away with it, at least initially.
I never thought I’d be the one desperately seeking your advice, but love has driven me to do so.
Well, as Confucius said, “Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation, there is sure to be failure.” You didn’t listen to Confucius, and you’re Chinese! Confucius is the man in China.
I’m a good-looking man in his mid 30s living in China. I’m coming to you, because I just went through a breakup with the girl of my dreams. I paid the ultimate price for not performing your teachings properly, and for the first time in my life, I want to get this ex back, and I desperately need your advice.
Well, if that describes you, that means the first thing you can do, because you’ve got to participate in your own rescue, is you’ve got to read “How To Be A 3% Man.” And then when you get to the end of it, read it again. If you listen to the audiobook, listen again, 10-15 times, because when you go through it that much, you get to know it backwards and forwards to the point where you don’t have to think about it anymore.
When we read something, when we hear something and when we watch something, we’re going to retain maybe 8-10% of it. And the stuff that’s in here is a mindset. There’s fundamentals, there’s techniques, there’s strategies, there’s a philosophy, there’s a mindset, and all of that stuff works together. But you have to put the time in to learn it. And obviously, this guy didn’t put the time in.
I met a 10/10 girl on a dating app, the sort of girl that I’ve been searching for for years.
They say, you get maybe two of these a decade, bro.
I’m supposed to start my grad school in the States, but I’ve got to stay in my home country and take remote classes until the end of the year due to COVID19.
I could do a whole video on that fucking bullshit. Just a little tidbit. The CDC over the weekend just revised the Covid stats, so now only about 6% of the people that died from Covid, that’s all they actually had. All of the other 94% of the people that died from Covid had 2.6 comorbidities, meaning they were old, they had all kinds of health problems, and they didn’t really die directly because of Covid. They died because it was in addition to all of the other problems that they had. It’s pretty fucking appalling. We basically nuked our economy over it. If you’re healthy, it’s not going to affect you at all. Such a tragedy.
On our first date, I told her honestly that I might leave for the States next year, but told her that I was willing to do whatever it takes to make a relationship work if I met the right one for me.
That’s a good comeback, because it’s truthful and honest. When you say something like that, you’re putting out qualifications. It communicates that you’re selective. If I met the right girl, I might settle down. If I met the right girl, I might get married. If I met the right girl, I might move in and have babies with her. Whatever it happens to be. Whatever floats your boat. I want you to be happy making decisions for your own life.
It also puts her in the position where, “Oh, I’m going to try and win him over.” Because if you’re selective, it means you can be selective. It means you have other choices. You’re not going to just settle for the first cute girl that comes along.
I wanted to assure her I was serious. After hearing this, she was skeptical about seeing me, but it seemed she wanted to see where this relationship led to, so we agreed to see each other.
You have a little too much focus on the relationship. “I’ve got to lock this girl down. She’s my dream girl.” You put her on a pedestal a little bit, extra nice, extra compliant, trying too hard, because deep down, you don’t feel you’re not worthy. You don’t feel you’re good enough.
I arrogantly thought I was a catch, so I subconsciously thought that pursuing her would further raise her attraction for me. I texted her and called her almost every day.
Guys who don’t feel they’re good enough act needy. They’re always seeking approval, “Does she still want me? Is she still into me? I noticed that her texts are kind of trailing off the last few days, and there’s a lack of enthusiasm. I’ve got to get her to be more enthusiastic. Let me spend more time. Let me try and engage her more in conversation and get her to converse more with me.”
These are the things that a needy guy tells himself, instead of “Oh, she backed off. She must be busy doing other things. You know what, I spent the whole weekend with her, and I’m as excited about seeing her as I was Friday night, but I’ve got a lot of shit to do this week. I’ve got things I’ve got to take care of, and I’m glad to have that time that she’s busy doing her thing, and now I can get busy doing mine.” That’s how a man who’s got his shit together is going to react. He’s like, “Alright. I’ve got peace and quiet for a few days.”
She showed no sign of boredom, she responded every single time and she even took the conversation further. I was ecstatic.
Well, obviously she had high interest in you to start off with.
But at the same time, I started to get worried that I was coming off as needy.
You’re in a fearful state, because you didn’t know the fundamentals.
I considered holding off contacting her for a day, but then she would contact me first.
So he’s taking some kind of corrective action, recognizing “I’m doing too much, too soon. I’m trying too hard, trying to get her to notice me, trying to figure out if she still likes me.” And obviously, the problem with this situation is that as his attraction grows, he becomes more fearful and more uncertain. And that causes him to apply more forceful action, to be more smothering.
You’ve got to give the other person the time and the space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, but also to choose you mutually. If she likes you, she’ll continue to make the effort. If she doesn’t, she’ll just fade away. You want a girl that’s not going to fade away. You want a girl who appreciates the space and will make more of an effort to facilitate to the two of you getting together. Hence, she puts herself into your orbit through a phone call, or a text, or an email, or a message on social media, whatever it happens to be.
Sometimes, she would tell me she misses me and would invite me over to her home, (we had sex a couple of times). We met frequently, about 2~3 times a week.
So, this is good at this point, but the problem is that you’re not allowing her to completely come to you at her pace. She reaches out more, and you just simply use those as opportunities to set more dates, and then you spend more time together. And as you spend more time together, it’s really the result of her reaching out to you.
Women aren’t typically going to call you up and say, “Let’s get together and do something.” They will sometimes, but they usually want the guy to be the leader. You’re the driver of the fun bus.
After a month of frequently seeing each other, I noticed my feelings had grown for her exponentially, and I started to show more affection physically.
This is where it starts to go sideways. You’re touching her when she’s really not ready to be touched, and that’s where the book can really help you with all of the little points of contact that a woman does when she’s feeling attracted and wants to be close. She bumps into you, she stands extra close to you, she touches your arm. She leans in when you’re across the table from one another. She reaches over and touches your hand or takes your hand.
When these little things happen when you’re on a date and spending time together, then you just slowly pull her in and reciprocate slowly. The idea is, you go a little bit slower than she’s going, because as her sexual attraction and anticipation grows, you’re slowly reciprocating. You’re not in a rush.
Guys who are not in a rush are guys who have lots of choices and are selective. They’re like, “I like you, but I’m not too sure yet. I want to see how things go over time. If they’re patient.” Because they know that patience pays. Haste makes waste.
However, whenever I attempted to kiss her, she said she was shy and that it was awkward.
Well, that actually is a true statement. He just doesn’t understand what it means. You’re trying to kiss her when she’s not ready to be kissed. At this point, you’re trying to force yourself onto her, and therefore, it is awkward. She doesn’t understand why it feels awkward. The reason it feels awkward is because you’re trying too much, too soon. You’re trying to kiss her when she’s simply not open to being kissed. Again, this is why you read the book 10-15 times.
I didn’t understand what she meant by that, and I told her that she would feel more comfortable in time.
Well, you tried to use rationalization and logic there instead of recognizing, “You know what, I’m coming on too strong, I’m being smothering, I’m being a little needy, and I’m trying to force things. Therefore, she’s backing off.” So, you need to chillax. It doesn’t mean you chillax permanently. It might just mean an hour or two, or a half-hour. Sit, talk, see how she is, get her to open up, get her to talk more. This is what’s going to cause her to feel more attraction and move towards you. And then you can kiss.
But after a month, she called me to say she wanted to end this.
I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you.
She told me she realized she liked me, because I was so nice to her, but not because of the man I was. I was heart-broken and asked her to reconsider to get to know me more, but she refused.
You were using more logic and reason.
She continued to say that she felt guilty for not being able to reciprocate, because I was so considerate and nice, and she was worried that I would feel hurt if I didn’t get affection from her.
Basically, that’s her way of saying, “You’re a needy, insecure, smothering jackass, and I need my freedom.”
She said her heart wasn’t in the same place as I was yet.
In other words, “You’re way more into me, dude, than you should be. And you’re way more into me than I am into you.” Women care about how they feel. They don’t really give a shit about how much you super-duper like them.
And she wasn’t sure about this relationship, which was why she decided to end it.
Well, she’s sure at that point. She’s sure she’s totally turned off.
She said the timing just wasn’t right.
Sounds legit, doesn’t it? The timing wasn’t right. Partially, that’s correct. If you look at it from this perspective, you’re trying to do too much, too soon. In other words, you didn’t give it enough time to blossom. You tried to rush it, and after a month she’s like, “Alright, fuck this. I’m out of here.”
When we broke up, she told me that she was doing this, because there was a moment when she realized that I wasn’t the man she wanted to be with, because of what happened the previous night. The previous night we had sex without protection. I should have worn a condom, but it happened in the heat of passion, and I ejaculated outside of her.
She immediately rushed to the other room to take an after-sex birth control pill. She told me it was that moment when she realized that she didn’t want any chance of getting pregnant with me, and that made her realize I wasn’t the one for her.
Pretty obvious. Again, too much, too soon, too smothering, and now she’s risking getting pregnant. It’s not because of the ‘almost getting pregnant’ thing. That was a trigger. In other words, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
After hearing this, I was stunned and couldn’t reply with a comeback.
Come on man. You shouldn’t be stunned if you’ve been watching all of these videos bro. Such a shame.
She continued on to say that she felt that she was into me, because I was so good to her, but not for the man I was. I told her that her feelings will grow as time passes,
That’s actually true, but now you’re trying to reason with her, and this has all to do with her emotions and how she feels about you. You’re getting in the way of her falling for you, because you’re trying too hard, trying to do too much, trying to be extra nice. Because deep down, you don’t think you deserve her, and you’re acting this way. And she wants an equal. She wants a teammate. She wants a guy that’s got confidence, and you’re not displaying confidence.
But she said she just didn’t want to continue this relationship. I didn’t know what else to say, so I replied that if her heart feels that way, I’d understand. I told her to reach back to me if she changes her mind.
That’s the right approach, right out of my article and video “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” If you’re in this situation, I highly recommend that article and video. There’s a lot of things in it about how to handle her objections when she does come back.
I believe she panicked when I ejaculated without a condom, and she wasn’t ready for that situation with a man she was only developing feelings for.
Well, that’s partially true. You’re using that as “Oh, I didn’t use a condom, and that’s why we broke up.” No, you turned her off dude. She wasn’t feeling it, because you didn’t give her enough time and space away from you. That’s why in the book teaches, you shouldn’t do more than 20-30 percent of the calling, texting and pursuing.
And the same thing applies on a date. She should be doing most of the bumping into you, the touching, and being near you, and just letting her be. Just like a cat. You’re amused by the cat as it goes and roams the room, because you know you’ve got a little while, and its going to come back and sit in your lap. And you’re not worried about it.
I believe my irresponsible behavior put her off, she got hurt because of my actions, and that drove her away.
Dude, what drove her away was you acting like a needy, insecure jackass, and the fact that you’re saying that, you know what? Come on man. That’s what you’re rationalizing, “Nah, it wasn’t my approach.” The problem is, you’re acting needy, insecure and you’re way over-pursuing this girl, and you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches.
I was hurt by her saying that she didn’t want any chance of getting pregnant with me, (understandably we dated for only a month), so I sent her a long text about how hurtful it was to hear such a thing, to which she apologized.
Don’t make a girl your therapist, dude. You’re acting like a bitch. Sorry, but not sorry. That’s reality. Don’t act like a bitch. Don’t act like a mangina unless you want to be treated like one.
She ended the text by saying that her heart wasn’t there yet and didn’t want to feel guilty by keeping seeing me. She told me I was a great person, and that she was glad to have met me, but didn’t want to take this further.
She is the girl of my dreams, the one I’ve met in over 5 years. Is there any chance of winning back her heart?
Well first off, you need to stop thinking that way. Second off, you need to look at it as she needs to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. Don’t call. Don’t text her for any reason ever again. If she reaches out and she wants to see you, invite her to your house to make dinner together. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Stop talking about a relationship. Read the book 10-15 times, and actually follow instructions for a change.
Please, I know I didn’t do it as your teaching, but this girl is the girl of my dreams.
Well, it’s like you’re putting her on a pedestal and treating her like a celebrity. And therefore, what does she do? She treats you like an ugly groupie. That’s what it is. You didn’t give her enough time to develop feelings, because you were in a rush. You were afraid of losing her.
Any harsh advice and feedback to get her back would be greatly appreciated.
Again, look at “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Read the article, watch the video, memorize it. Immerse yourself into “How To Be A 3% Man.” Let her do all of the calling, texting and pursuing, dude. When you hear from her, make dates. The next three dates have to all be at your place. She has to come to you, or you’re going to have to withdraw the offer. This is how you display dominance and that you are not going to be so easy to get back.
It causes her to actually work to get you back. This engages her emotions. It makes her like you more. And if she likes you more and her emotions get engaged, guess what? She’s going to be all over your ass like white on rice. That’s what you want. You want a girl that’s like a giant sucker fish. She sticks herself to you. And that’s what they do. If you treat women properly, you won’t be able to get rid of them. And you’ll never have to worry about these kinds of things ever happening again.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When a man tries too hard to win a woman’s attention and validation, he is continually communicating that he doesn’t think that he is worthy. This is the opposite of masculinity. Being brave, courageous, direct and decisive. Women are attracted to men who are confident. They are turned off by men who consciously and unconsciously communicate a lack of confidence in themselves and what they bring to the table. If you believe and act like you are unworthy of a woman’s love, eventually she will agree and reject you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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