I Over-Pursued. She Went Silent. Is My Only Move To Walk Away?

How to know when to back off completely or if you should pursue more.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a longtime viewer. He says he’s read 3% Man over 10 times, but admits he lost self control. He started dating a woman who just broke up with a long term boyfriend. She wanted something casual, but he kept over pursuing. She ghosted him a week ago and he’s still looking for reasons to reach out again despite her asking for space.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, if you’re pursuing a woman to the point where she just stops replying as I talk about in 3% Man, you gotta think of dating is like tennis. You gotta hit the ball over the net. You gotta wait for the girl to hit it back. A lot of times, especially if you’re doing online dating or you just met a girl, she doesn’t know you. A lot of times they will troll you just to see how you handle it. You could be in the middle of a texting back and forth, and all of a sudden she just disappears for a couple hours, and guys that don’t know any better start going, “Hey, is something wrong? I’m sorry if I upset you.” And all she’s really doing is just hanging back just to see what the guy does, to see if he loses it and gets upset, or he just assumes she got busy and she’ll get back to him later when she can.

So it’s one of the ways that women weed guys out. So you gotta keep yourself control. And it’s important because women like you way more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. And when you communicate the opposite, they’re typically going to back off and test a little bit because they just become confused and unsure of their feelings. They were starting to really like you, and now they’re kind of getting a little bit of the ick and they don’t know why. Because women, most women don’t understand how attraction works. All they know is that their feelings have changed. And so they want space. So they become distant. They want to see if they start to miss the guy and if their feelings return. Women instinctively know that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

So if you’re in a situation like that, especially in the beginning, you got to maintain your composure. And unfortunately, this guy says he’s a long time fan, but he’s read 3% Man over 10 times but didn’t really follow what the book taught. And even now to the point where the girl that he was seeing or trying to date hasn’t texted him back in a week. He’s still jumping through his butt, trying not to jump out of his skin and text her again or call her again. So in other words, he wants to do more of the behavior that basically got him blown off originally anyways.

So the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And if they don’t appreciate or value it, then go give it to somebody who appreciates it. Men who don’t love and value themselves and don’t have anything to offer. And they’re not good with women. They’re going to keep chasing the girl that’s giving them no effort, no interest, and then they just weed themselves out. Again, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And when you do what this guy did you over pursue because deep down, this is what happened to me, and I wrote about this in the book, I didn’t get enough hugs from mom and dad when I was a kid. So I wanted love, but I didn’t get love. So when I wanted to date, I was used to not getting the love that I wanted. I was fearful I wasn’t going to get it because I was literally emotionally conditioned to expect that that was reality. And as soon as a girl would do that, she’d back off a little bit or take a little bit longer to call me back. Then I would try to force. I would call her again. I didn’t want to wait. I’d assume something’s wrong. Maybe I did something because I presuppose that they weren’t going to like me because my parents basically trained me that I was not going to get the love that I wanted. I wanted to be loved, but I didn’t get it.

So if you’re in a situation like that, and that was kind of your background, understand that how that’s going to affect your behavior, you’re going to try to force things. You’re going to try to call too much text too much, instead of just hanging back and letting the girl come to you at her pace. Women are designed to chase. I mean, think about all the effort they put into their appearance and the outfits that they put on. They understand that us guys are visual creatures, and that’s why they get all dolled up, because that’s why we pay attention to them, and we start having those nice, impure thoughts about them that cause us to go and approach and want to talk and hopefully end up in a nice, successful seduction later. And once you start casually dating and her interest goes up, she’s going to do more to get your attention.

When you look at the old movies from the 40s, 50s, early 60s, that’s what was always going on. The women were always chasing the most eligible bachelors in town and trying to win them and get them to settle down and live happily ever after with the white picket fence, the family, the whole nine yards. But if you do that, if you act that way, you’re basically acting like a chick. And it ruins the sexual polarity. You could be the most handsome guy in the world and very successful at plenty of money, but if you start acting like that, you’re acting like you deep down don’t feel you deserve her. And eventually the girl’s gonna agree with you. No matter how great your resume is or how good you look, it doesn’t matter. If you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch. If you act like you don’t deserve to be there, and you expect to not be there in the future, well that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Longtime fan here. I’ve read your book 10+ times, but apparently I needed a reminder of what happens when you stop applying the material.

Yeah, well the book‘s not going to help you if you read it and you do the opposite, especially when you’re too afraid to do it. Because I know when I started changing my approach, it felt weird inside. It felt weird to just hang back and wait because the illusion of action, as I discussed in the book, because as a guy, if you want to achieve something in your career, your mission, your purpose, you got to take action. Masculine energy is breaking through barriers, overcoming challenges, taking action, making things happen. But when it comes to women, You do have to pursue and initiate the invitation, but then you got to wait for it to hit the ball back. And sometimes they don’t hit it back right away. Sometimes girls will go, “Oh, I’ll call you right back,” and then nothing happens. And then five hours later, or maybe the next morning, they call you. Especially if you just met because they’re trying to see if you got your act together or you’re a fucking lunatic.

Two months after ending a two-year relationship, I met a 21-year-old barista at my regular coffee shop. I’m 37. The attraction was immediate and intense. I initially thought she had a boyfriend, so I backed off and ended up dating and hooking up with another barista there.

Well, as I wrote about in the book, it really has a powerful effect. Even if a girl’s not that into you, if she finds out you sleep with somebody she knows, or she sees you or hears about you with a really beautiful woman, they’ll go from not caring to like, “Why is he not paying attention to me?” And then they get aggressive and they come after you, which is exactly what this guy found out

The next week, the original girl asked me out.

I wrote about the girl I was kind of dating, but I was kind of stuck more in the friend zone category. And so like, she wouldn’t go out. I couldn’t get her to commit to a date. “Oh, work this and that, but I want to see how you are.” She’d still want to call me and talk, but she’s just kind of stirring the pot because I displayed too much weakness. And another guy she was talking to was acting more masculine, so she was giving him more of a chance and keeping me on the back burner, kind of dangling the carrot. But because I was too soft and I kept pursuing, she knew she could have me at any time. So she wanted to see about this other guy. And so when I finally backed off and didn’t do anything, and even when she continued calling and texting, I didn’t even bring up getting together, actually would talk to her for a few minutes and then say, “Hey, it was great hearing from you, I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.” And then what happened? After a few days of that, she called me at the office, I talked, “Well hey, it was great hearing from you. I gotta run, I’ll talk to you later.” And we talked for like three or four minutes, so something to completely change.

She knew that because I had always in the past tried to make dates with her, and I just stopped. And even though she started reaching out, I still didn’t try to make dates with her because she kept not making them in the past. And so what happens was she calls you back like three minutes later. And then I was kind of smiling. Then that’s when she asked me, I remember we were gonna go to Epcot and do around the world where you drink a beer, you get one beer at each place, each pavilion that serves a frothy beverage, golden goodness, if you will. And the goal is to try to go all the way around the lake at Epcot. They call it going around the world. We made it about half way around and then went back to our room. And she also said that, “Hey, why don’t you take my daughter for the day and take her to Disney?” Or one of the other theme parks because “She’s dying for you to do that.” Whereas before she would talk about that, but I was like, “Oh great, when you want to do it?” “Oh, I don’t know.” And she wouldn’t make plans. So I just stopped moving forward.

So she calls me back, makes a date with me and her, and then one for me to take her daughter for the day. And then she met up with us later that evening when she got off work. So it was a complete attitude change. And that all came because I was on a date with another girl, and I ran into her boss, who happened to be out at dinner with her husband that night. And of course, she’s like, “Oh my God, look who I ran into.” So I got a call like 9:01, 9:02 a.m. like right when I knew she got to her office in the morning because she heard all about it. So she called me to see how my night and weekend went. So it’s amazing. Like in this case, this guy’s like, “I think she’s got a boyfriend. Maybe she wasn’t showing a lot of interest.” And as soon as he she hears about him dating and sleeping with somebody else there, especially if she thought he might have liked her a little bit. Then it’s like complete attitude change. That’s how you get a woman to throw herself at you. And it’s a lot of fun when that starts happening. They start to compete for you, especially when they know each other.

You know, if you’re living with them, there’s probably a chance you get back together. “I don’t really want to get in the middle of it. I’m not coming over. I’m not going to come pick you up your ex-boyfriend’s house. But if you’re available and you want to get together, hit me up and we’ll make some plans. But I’m not coming by to pick you up. I’ll meet you out somewhere. You can come by my place.” And then that makes you more of a challenge. Then this way, whenever she really starts to miss you, and especially if she’s texting her boyfriend, then what’s going to happen is he’ll start pursuing her and actually drive her into your arms and further confirms she made the right decision by dumping him anyways, and it’ll expedite her moving out. But if you start to pressure her and pursue her, instead of letting her come to you, she’ll you’ll actually drive her right back into the arms of the ex.

So especially in a situation like this, because it’s not ideal, you’re really kind of doing her a favor by dating and seeing her, because who knows, she could be lying to you because you don’t know her and just be cheating on her live in boyfriend. So as long as the woman’s still living with her ex and not doing anything to move out, your attitude should be, “Well, I’m not going to give you exclusivity. We can hook up, but I’m not coming by. I don’t really want to get involved in that. But I like you. If you’re ever completely free of that guy, then maybe we could get a little more serious down the road.” But I’m not gonna I’m not going to say, “Hey, this is my girlfriend. She lives with her boyfriend.” Like, what? Like, you don’t even want to explain that to anybody. And you say that to her. So you’re being a challenge. You’re not easy. She has to earn you. She has to show through her actions that she really is truly done with that guy, and not just cheating on him or waiting a monkey branch to the next guy. So you’re only going to be willing to keep it casual as long as she still lives with that dude. But you should be letting her do all the reaching out.

Again, like I said, if she complains, you’re like, “Look, you’re not like in a normal situation. You’re living with your boyfriend. I don’t want to call you or text you. You could be with him. I’m just not going to get involved in that. But if you’re free and you’re available and he’s not around, hit me up. And if I’m available to take your call or whatever, we’ll make plans and we can get together.”

She knew about her coworker and initially didn’t care.

Yeah, she’s like, “I’m better than her.”

Things took off quickly, She initiated most of our texts and calls, shared her poetry with me, and we slept together on our first date.

“Wait till he gets a load of my magic pussy.”

I learned she had recently ended a three-year relationship but was still living with her ex while looking for an apartment.

So if you’re in a situation like this, your attitude is you got to let her do all the reaching out. And if she says, “You never call me,” I would be like, “Well, you still live with your ex boyfriend. But I’m not going to get in the middle of what you got going on with him.” But what did he do?

Then I screwed up. I went into the shop and flirted with the other barista.

Well, it’s OK to know that you’re dating other women, but you don’t want to rub it in her face. So that’s kind of what you’re doing here. So it’s not really good operational security. So even if you were still hooking up with the other barista, you’re not going to tell anybody. You’re not going to act any different. As a matter of fact, anybody that didn’t know any different, they would just think, “Oh well, they’re just being really friendly. She’s just being professional.” Meanwhile, you guys could have been bumping uglies earlier that morning. So you don’t do stupid things like especially when you’re sleeping with two girls at work together. It’s like, that’s just not a very good James Bond, my man.

Word got back to her, and her behavior changed almost overnight. Instead of recognizing her pullback and giving her space, I reacted by pursuing harder.

Well again, what I would have said to her if she says, “Well, that really bothered me.” I would be like, “Well, I mean, you got to understand my perspective. You still live with your boyfriend or your ex boyfriend. So I don’t know you that well. I like you a lot and you’re amazing naked and I had a lot of fun, but you still live with your boyfriend, so you can always go back to him, you know? Who knows? I don’t know you well enough. It’s possible you’re still sleeping with him. I don’t wanna get in the middle of that. So it’s not really a normal situation. So I’m sorry if what I did, you felt like maybe I was rubbing this girl in your face. I wasn’t, but she likes me. I like her, and we dated, but I was just being nice. But you can’t expect me to commit to you and act like your boyfriend when you’re still living with a boyfriend. So you’re gonna have to show me that that really is over, and you’re ending it, and you’re going to get your own place. Until then, all I can do is be casual, but I promise I won’t do anything to rub that girl on your face again if it comes to that.” That’s how I would have handled that particular situation.

So you’ll notice in this next paragraph it sounds like he’s regurgitating the excuses that she’s given him for maybe why she’s not available or can’t see him as much because he went in as he admits he started over pursuing.

Meanwhile, her life was chaos. She had a huge fight with her ex, moved out abruptly, was staying with friends, looking for an apartment, and eventually picked up three jobs.

Again, that just looks like all the excuses that she’s given him as to why she wasn’t available for another date, or to see him, or “Work’s crazy. My life is crazy.” If she really likes you, she’s gonna love you being her escape from the crazy life. But instead, you’re basically acting like you can’t handle it. You’re not a guy that is going to be able to avoid bringing drama and getting upset at her situation.

I finally called and asked what was wrong. She admitted the flirting made her extremely jealous and “really turned her off.” She also said she only wanted something casual. But the next morning she texted: “It’s not that I don’t like you anymore. I really like you, I wouldn’t be sour if I didn’t. It was just disappointing. I’m gonna be sour for a little bit. Just give me some time to open back up to you, okay?”

I would have been like, “Sure, babe. Well, hit me up when you miss me terribly because I’d love to see you again.” But again, if you’re having this conversation in person, again I would have brought up like, “You live with your boyfriend still, so you can’t expect me to treat you like my girlfriend when you still live with a guy you were in a multi-year relationship with. Because statistically, you’re probably going to go back to him. And most women dump their boyfriend, so he probably still wants you back. I don’t wanna get in the middle of that. I don’t want any drama. Just like you said, I want something casual.” So again, that’s her way of saying, “Hey, don’t pressure me.”

In retrospect, that seems like a giant neon sign saying “GIVE ME SPACE.”

Yes, she’s basically, in a nice way, saying, “Hey, you’re pursuing too much. Let me be.” In other words, “I’ll get over it in a couple of days.” Instead, he probably started feeling like he had to apologize, “I got to be Mr. White Knight.” He probably talked to some girls that he knows, and they’re like, “Well, let her know how much you care about her and you really like and want her.” So he probably starts doing that coming on too heavy because the girls told him to do that, that he knows, that’s usually the advice that women will give guys in a situation like this. “Let her know how much you really care and you’ll be there for her.”

Instead, I said “okay honey” and basically continued as usual. Things remained hot and cold. Sometimes she initiated affectionately; other times I barely heard from her.

So when you haven’t heard from her, your attitude shouldn’t change. As the book says, you reach out once a week. But in this case, because of the boyfriend issue, you never reach out at all. If you think about it, she started all this. She reached out and asked you on a date. She pursued you. You should have just let her do that, because then you would really come off as a good James Bond. And she would have known that even if she was still living with the ex, she could call you. You’d be down to hook up and nobody would ever know because you’d keep your mouth shut. You wouldn’t cause any problems for her. But you flirting with the other girl in front of her, that caused some problems. Probably a little cattiness between her and her co-worker, because women are really competitive like that, especially, you know, you slept with both of them.

Despite this, she still house-sat during my work trip and took wonderful care of my dogs, even leaving funny security-camera messages and reading books to them.

Well, that was nice of her.

When I returned, I tried to see her, but our schedules didn’t line up. Her last text was still affectionate. I said congratulations on signing the lease. She replied “Thanks bunny.” I finally decided to stop pursuing and wait for her to initiate. I lasted four days. I sent: “Hey Jessica. How are things going with the apartment?”

More clinginess, more coming on too strong. Again, this is what happens when Mom and Dad didn’t give you enough strokes as a kid. You try to force it instead of just letting her be. Again, this situation because she lives with this guy, or at least did the ex boyfriend. It’s like hands off man, let her do all the pursuing and she started out with that. So you didn’t really need to do anything to initiate. And where you went wrong is that you started pursuing or trying to force things.

“I’d love to see you. Are you available this weekend?” She read it immediately and never responded. It’s now been a week.

Coach, I’m struggling to sit on my hands.

Well, you’re going to get a nice case of, “Well actually, it sounds like you already got blue balls, so your blue balls are going to get worse.” Congratulations. You know what you could do? Since you haven’t heard from her. I’d call the other girl and go out with her, and any other girl that complains is like, “Well, I hadn’t heard from you. I just assumed you probably got back together with your boyfriend. I don’t know, you’re still with him. I don’t know what’s going on. You got kind of a messy situation, and sweet Teresa,” just using a name, “Sweet Teresa doesn’t have all that.” She’s a free agent. She’s single and ready to mingle. No drama.

Calling wouldn’t be unusual because we used to call regularly, and I’m tempted to simply ask if she’s okay.

She simply has no interest in you, bro. And you’re acting like a chick.

But I also know I already hit the ball over the net. Is my only move now to never contact her unless she reaches out?

Yes, she should be doing all the reaching out. You been following me for as long as you have and have read the book 10 times. I know you’ve heard me say this. When you start dating somebody that’s in the middle of a divorce or still living with the ex, it could be the ex-husband. The ex boyfriend. You got to let her do all the hooking up. If she bitches about you not calling, just say, “Look, you’re still living with your significant other. For all I know, you guys are still sleeping together and you’re just cheating on him. I don’t know what the hell’s going on. So if you want something more, more of a commitment. You want me to call and text you, then you gotta have your own place. Because I don’t be calling, texting you and have your husband, your boyfriend go, ‘Who’s that? Who is Bob? You ever heard of Coach Corey Wayne? There’s a lot of Bob’s that follow him.'” No, you obviously don’t want that to happen, but it would be funny.

Also, this is my regular coffee shop. Should I go back, act normally and let her come to me, or stay away for a while to give her space?

Well, unless she reaches out to you, the two of you will never talk again as long as you live. Pretty simple.

Where do you think I screwed this up, and what would you do from here?

Thanks,

Bob

I would do nothing. I would just wait to hear from her. When you do, just say, “Hey, you. It’s good to hear from you. When are you free to get together and invite her over to make dinner at your place? Because she wants casual. She wants no drama. She wants to get her brains out without you causing any problems or her having to answer any questions. So if she comes over for the next three days in a row and you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up. But can I be really careful? Because you don’t really know? I mean, for all you know, the ex-boyfriend could be trying to get her back, and he’s a total psycho. And if he finds out she’s dating and sleeping with some other guy, he could try to do a Hialeah divorce. So in this case, it probably until that whole thing is really cleared up, I wouldn’t even be seen publicly with her. So but because she’s backed off, she’s got to do all the reaching out and the next three dates all have to take place at your house. And if she comes over and you make dinner together and you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up and go out on other dates. As long as you know it’s safe again. She was living with her ex, so you got to be careful with those situations. Sometimes the juice is not worth the squeeze and it’s not a good a good enough risk to your personal safety.

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