I Pushed My Ex Away Because I Became Complacent

What you should do if you pushed your ex away because you became complacent and lazy.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years after he got complacent and lazy. He stopped dating and courting her and became her platonic roommate. He only read 3% Man once 5 years ago and never bothered to learn the fundamentals, because he’s lazy, has low standards for himself, and hasn’t taken his life or being successful seriously. He did most everything right for the first year and a half, and then he simply stopped doing everything that made him successful early on.

He is in contact with his ex occasionally, but still hasn’t gotten back into the book to fill in his knowledge gap. He wants her back, but so far is doing nothing to help himself other than whining that he doesn’t know what to do. It’s learned helplessness. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Honestly, he has really low standards for himself, like most people do. He didn’t take the time to learn the book, and even though he got some attainable success in the beginning, he wasn’t able to sustain it. He didn’t really take the time to learn the material, because he just wasn’t serious, he has low standards and he was lazy. And, unfortunately, this is the way most of the 97% in society live. And so, for whatever reason, he just doesn’t take himself or his success seriously.

So, obviously, you can tell there’s going to be some roasting going on here, because this whole relationship blowing up was completely preventable. It was his lack of being diligent and being in his masculine consistently and just choosing to be lazy and not make the effort. I mean, you can’t do everything right for a year and a half and then just completely stop dating and courting your girl, never take her out, never do anything nice for her. And what he basically did was he became roommates, and this is how most people are.

Think about all the people that you know that are married or that live together and been together for a lot of years. How many of them are really super happy? How many of them have the kind of relationship that you go, “Oh, that they seem like they’re having a good time. I’d love to be in a relationship with somebody like that.” It’s very few people you meet. Most people are just trying to get through the work week, make it to the weekend, have a few drinks on the weekend. Maybe they’ll watch some sports, or whatever, be lazy, recover from the stressful week, and then get up Monday and start the process all over again, trying to plow through the week and endure it.

It’s because most people are living lives of quiet desperation. Most people major in minor things. Most people are lazy and they have low standards for themselves, and they just don’t hold themselves to a high standard of what they want. They’re not really trying to shape and change their destiny. They just want to get through the week, have a little bit of peace on the weekends, and they’re good with that. So, I’m sad for this guy, but I mean, he totally did it to himself. And he deserves the roasting, because masculine energy grows through challenge.

And now, he wants this girl back. He admits that he pushed her away. She dumped him recently. She’s still been in contact, but he’s like, “I don’t know what to do.” That’s what he writes at the end of his email. And so, it still doesn’t appear that he’s picked the book back up or that he’s looked through “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” He’s just cherry picking, looking for the lazy man’s way out. The easy way to just say the right set of lines to his girl, and then she’s just going to magically jump back in bed with him, and move back in, and they’re going to live happily ever after. And it just doesn’t work that way. There are no shortcuts to success.

You have to take your life seriously. You’ve got to take your own success seriously. Because if you don’t care about it, well, nobody else will either. Nobody’s coming to save you. Nobody’s going to fix you. You’ve got to do that yourself. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. It’s like, this guy has basically learned helplessness. And so, he’s probably watching videos again, but hasn’t bothered to pick up the book, hasn’t bothered to learn, to fill in his knowledge gap. And on top of that, he’s just going, “I don’t know what to do.” And when that’s your belief about yourself, you won’t do anything to help yourself. You’re just like, “Oh, look at me. Poor me. All my life blew up. My girlfriend left me. Oh, no.” It’s all on you.

So, with that said, let’s go through this guy’s email and see what he can do to turn things around. But it’s just sad to see this, because he had the answers in his hand. And he’ll even say he read it once. He’s like, “Hey, I’ve got this. I’m special. I don’t need to read the book 10 to 15 times. What’s that shaved head dude talking about?”

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I wanted to get your take on this situation after pushing my ex away after being together for 3 years. I read your book one time around 5 years ago, and admittedly stopped reading due to me thinking “Okay, I’m good now,” but that was not the truth.

I know. I see it all the time. I see it in my phone sessions. Most of the phone sessions are guys that, if they’re not new, they’ve been following me for awhile and they never really took the time to read the book. I’ll talk to people and they’re like, “Yeah, I’ve been following you for seven years. Things have been going great, and I just got your book the other day after my girlfriend left me.” It doesn’t need to be this way. People like to learn the hard way.

My ex and I broke up a month ago (March) after a 3-year relationship. Everything in the beginning was amazing, she was head over heels for me. She looked up to me for everything.

So, he was the leader initially, but because he didn’t really take the time to learn the material and make it who he was and part of his life, he just slowly, over time, it took a year and a half for him to just basically go back to being the exact way he was before he met his girlfriend, before he came across my work. And so, he really didn’t do the inner work necessary and discipline himself to learn the material.

It’s the same kind of mentality when New Year’s rolls around and people are like, “Oh, I’m going to join the gym, and I’m going to finally lose the weight. I’m going to finally get in shape.” So, what do they do? They go join the gym, they work out once or twice the first week, and then they never go back. And then they end up canceling their membership or it runs out months later.

And then the next year, “I’m going to join the gym,” and then they’ll go back or they go to a different gym, and same thing, they go for a week or two. So, for the gym owner, you guys know that it gets really busy around the beginning year, and then after the first quarter is over, most of those those new members are gone and you haven’t seen them in months. It’s just that people just have low standards. They want the lazy, easy way to get to the finish line. It’s sad, but it’s just the way it is.

She was very sheltered, so I taught her a lot of things and showed her a lot of things, which I loved doing. We moved in together after about 8 months of dating. I can’t say there were any issues back then, we never argued and had great experiences together. 

They were hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Remember, there’s a chapter in that book says, “The Courtship Never Ends.” Well, the courtship ended after a year and a half.

About 1.5 years after we got together, for whatever dumbass reason, I became totally complacent. I stopped taking her out, stopped buying her things, stopped giving her back rubs, basically stopped everything I did in the beginning.

It’s a common complaint from women. They say, “He was romantic at first, and then he just stopped.” It’s like, guys get to a place and they think, “Well, this phase of the relationship is over. Now we just live together.”

Looking back on my previous relationships, I have acted the same way every single time when I’m with a woman for more than a year.

He’s got low standards, that’s why. You don’t take your success seriously. You didn’t put the time in. You’re half-assing it in every area of your life that’s important to you. If you’re okay with that, if that’s your standard, then hey, more power to you. But obviously you’re writing me this email because you’re not happy with the way things turned out. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got. And if you don’t take the time to learn the material that’s in the book, you’re going to slowly, as you said, after about a year, year and a half, you’ll revert back to your old ways.

If I talk to all of your ex-girlfriends in a room and ask them why they dumped you, they’ll all tell me for the exact same reason. So, if you’re not going to participate in your own rescue, and you’re not going to fill in your knowledge gap, and you’re not going to be disciplined, your relationships are going to continue to end the same way.

It’s like I just give up and become lazy, like a switch in my brain flips to the off position, and I don’t even realize it happened.

Yeah, number one, you don’t know the material, so you’re not even recognizing the signs that her interest is dropping, because it’s slow. I mean, it took a year and a half before you got to the point where you were just literally doing nothing and you were roommates. So, it’s not something that happens in a couple of days or a couple of weeks or a couple of months. It’s a year, in this case, a year and a half. And because you didn’t learn the material, you really couldn’t tell that her interest had dropped, because it happened so slowly.

It messes with me because I will deny anything is wrong or I’ll see everything I do with rose colored glasses.

Well, as Aristotle said a couple thousand years ago, “People will do more to avoid pain than they will do to gain pleasure.” And so, the pleasure is fixing your relationship and making sure it goes well, but the pain is admitting to yourself that you’re lazy, and you have low standards, and you just are kind of apathetic towards your life. You just don’t care. The question is, why don’t you care? Don’t you think you deserve to be happy, continuously?

You’ve got to put in the time, you’ve got to put in the effort. I’ll give you one example from my life. I really hate making green juice smoothies. It’s a pain in the ass but, man, it sure makes me feel better. And I’ve been doing it for 20 years. And sometimes I’ll I’ll finish the green juice that I’ve got, and I might not make it for a day or two, and I can feel it. I notice a difference in my energy, and I don’t like how I feel when that happens. And that’s why I’ve been doing it for over 20 years, at this point.

I have no idea why I get this way, but it’s an issue.

You don’t have an emotionally compelling reason to keep doing it, number one. And number two, you didn’t learn the fundamentals, so you don’t really notice it. It’s like, you put a frog in a pot of warm water, and it just swims around. If you slowly turn up the heat, it’ll keep swimming around until it slowly boils to death. But if you drop a frog into a pot of boiling water, it’ll jump right out. It’s like, the heat gets turned up slowly, and you just go to sleep.

We lasted about 2 more years of her trying to keep the relationship together, fighting because I didn’t treat her “like I used to.”

So, that was the way she complained about it, “You don’t do what you used to. You don’t treat me like you used to.” You’re like, “I’m busy. I’m saving money. We went out a couple of months ago. We went on a trip six months ago. It was very expensive. I’m still paying that off on my credit card.” Those are the kinds of responses the woman gets, and all she hears is, “I’m not doing anything to change. It’s going to stay this way.” Meanwhile, he’s trying to use logic and reason to argue why what he’s doing is fine.

She’s complaining that she’s not happy, and he just rationalizes it away, because rationalizing it away means admitting to yourself that you’ve been fucking up. And that’s painful. It’s easier to avoid that pain. That’s why it’s easier to not go to the gym. It’s easier just to go buy your junk food and stuff it down and say, “Oh, I’ll do it next week. You know what, come January, then I’m going to join a gym and I’ll get real serious about it. It’s only six months away.”

It ended with her saying she is planning on moving out in a few months, so I decided to move out that weekend. Nothing was said after I moved out, and we were in no contact for two weeks.

Well, if you want to keep your relationship together, you don’t move out, you don’t leave. It sounds like you got butt-hurt and mad, so you’re like, “Oh, I’m going to leave first.”

She sent me a text saying, “I care for you and you deserve to be happy, I wish you the best and I hope we can be friends”. I replied “I care for you as well, and hope you have a great life. I guess we can be friends.” (Looking back, I’m not sure what the correct response is here, because in this situation I wasn’t smothering her or up her ass, I was the complete opposite). 

Yeah, you were totally indifferent, and you just did not care. But if you had taken the time to learn the material in the book, you wouldn’t be going, “Oh, yeah, we can be friends,” when you really want to stay with her.

We have texted here and there since the breakup texts, she always initiates, usually light conversation and making her laugh. One text conversation we had was sexual, but I was out of state so I couldn’t invite her to my place. I don’t know how to proceed here. I would like to get back with her, but I also need to figure out why I get like this. Do I do no contact with her? Do I explain to her how I was wrong?

Thanks Coach!

Bob

Does this guy sound like he’s serious about his success? Does this guy sound like he’s even willing to lift a finger to help himself? Doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like he’s looking for the quick fix, the right video, the right phrase aligns, it’ll just fix everything, and he won’t have to make much of an effort. It just doesn’t work this way, dude. That’s just not going to cut it.

You need to be reading the book and filling in your knowledge gaps, so you can recognize all of the unattractive behavior that you’ve been displaying. Because when you read this thing once five years ago, it’s obvious that you don’t really remember any of it, you don’t understand any of the principles. You should also be going through the article and video I did years ago called “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” and it’s obvious she still cares for you. You left, and yet she’s still contacting you. That shows that there’s still interest.

Your job in the courtship is to just simply create an opportunity for sex to happen. But it’s been so long that since you actually dated her or did anything that showed you cared, you don’t even remember how to do that or what that’s even like. She reaches out and you’re like, “Oh, what do I do?” You’re spinning around in a circle like a dog chasing its tail with just absolutely no clue. And yet, you’re not really doing anything to fill in your knowledge gap or to help yourself.

In this particular case, it’s obvious there’s still interest. But you never agree to be friends. You don’t say, “Oh, let’s be friends,” or “I’m okay with that,” when you really want to stay with her. I mean, that’s just pathetic. Your level of effort is pathetic, dude. I’m just being honest with you. I know it’s uncomfortable and you don’t like it, but you let things get this way, and they’ve been bad for a long time. And you were willing to put up with it. She was willing to put up with it. She gave you the benefit of the doubt, because she remembered how she used to feel about you, and she was trying to get you to make an effort.

When she told you she was going to move out and wasn’t going to stay with you, you just packed your shit and left. You didn’t even try to work things out. From that perspective, maybe you weren’t even that into her at that point. But the fact that now you want to get back together with her and she’s still reaching out and you’re just like, “What do I do?”, make a date. Hang out, have fun, hook up, create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. That’s your job in the courtship. As you admit, about a year and a half in, you completely stopped doing that. It’s like, what the hell do you think’s going to happen?

Women want to know that you care for them. And when you won’t even take them out on a date for a year and a half, that just shows you’re apathetic and you just don’t give a shit. It’s like you didn’t give a shit until she broke it off with you. And the question is, did she really do it for you? Did you feel like you got the best that you could get? Did you feel like you settled? Those those are important questions that you need to consider and answer yourself before you start hanging out and having fun and hooking up with her again. Because you don’t want to get back together with her, and then after a few months just feel like you’re not that into it. Because then you’re wasting her time and your time.

But it’s simple. The next time she reaches out, invite her over to make dinner at your place. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Don’t meet her out. Don’t pick her up. Don’t go to coffee. She has to come to you. Again, this is all laid out in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” All of the objections that she could have to that are in there. The philosophy of why you do the things you do is in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” It’s going to give you the best possible chance to put you in a position where you’re your most attractive self to re-attract her.

And the fact that she’s still reaching out shows that there’s still a chance, if you would just do the fundamentals, if you would participate in your own rescue. And if you’re not willing to participate in your own rescue, you deserve to get your heart broken, and you deserve to have her leave you, and ghost you, and eventually see her with another guy when you’re down in the dumps. Maybe that’s what it will take to motivate you to finally take control of your life, so you can shape and change your destiny, instead of being so apathetic and just not giving a shit. It’s all on you, my man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.