What you should do if you think your coworker is romantically interested in you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who recently started a new job. He has caught one of his beautiful female coworkers staring at him several times
However, he doesn’t want to jeopardize his job by asking her out directly and asks, what is a low-key and low risk way of getting to know her romantically outside of work. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously, we’re in the Me Too era, and he’s wondering, “Well, how do I bridge the gap from noticing that she seems to be interested in me to actually going out on a date, hanging out, having fun, hooking up with her,” like I talk about in How To Be A 3% Man, “without getting myself into trouble.” And so, this is a good email, because a lot of people are in these kinds of situations, and you don’t want to do anything to jeopardize your job or your career, because you may misread the signs. You could be wrong, so you want to create the conditions where a woman will reveal her interest in you slowly over time.
As the late, great Doc Love used to say, “When kitty cats compete, you win.” So, you want to think about it in terms of setup. And the reality is, if you’re a guy and you’re outnumbered by women, that’s always a good thing. Every place I’ve ever worked, whether it was for other people or even in my own companies, there was always a good, large group of people.
I tended to take jobs, when I was working for other people, working at places and working with people that I really liked and that I wanted to hang out with socially. And so, just as a natural part and progression of working together and getting to know people, you’re going to do things together socially. You get to know each other’s lives, people that are in relationships. You get to know their significant others. You go to happy hours, you go to lunches, you go to dinners. Sometimes you start traveling together and doing fun things. The key is to go out and do and have fun things.
And so, in a situation like we’re going to get into here, before we get into this specific workplace that this guy is at, you want to think in terms of the conditions. If you’re in a group setting and you’re working with a girl that you’re pretty sure is interested in you, it really is amazing if you’re surrounded by other women and you’re paying attention to the other women, even if you’re not as interested or even interested in them. Women become competitive when they see that you’re talking to another woman and expressing what they perceive as being some kind of interest in somebody else, other than them. This makes them work harder to get your attention.
And at the end of the day, women are naturally set up to do this anyway. They do their nails, they do their hair. They put the war paint on. They wear the tight fitting skirts. They have the low cleavage revealing tops on. They wear nice perfumes that smell like all kinds of nice, pleasant things. They give you impure thoughts that we won’t really go into detail about with on this video. But you create the conditions where you can go out. And another thing you can think of is that if you’re going out with a group of your friends or coworkers, you invite her to come along in the group. And then when they all come together in the group, you pay attention to women other than the one that you think is interested in you.
So, I’ll give you an example. I I talked about this one years ago. I remember this was back when I was in real estate, and one of the guys that I worked with was hooking up with one of the other girls that that worked with us, and she had a girlfriend that apparently was interested in me. She was like, “Oh, we should get together and go to dinner.” So, the four of us go to dinner and this chick just kind of had an attitude the whole time, almost like she wasn’t interested in me. It was kind of like, “Who are you?”
I had a VIP table that night at one of the nightclubs, and I’m getting an attitude from this girl that I’m basically introduced to by one of my coworkers. And, quite frankly, I didn’t think she was that attractive. And so, we finished dinner and I’m thinking, “I don’t want to deal with this girl,” because I had a couple of other girls coming to meet us. We had 10-12 people at the VIP table. I think the ratio was like 30-40% guys to 60-70% girls, and a couple of them were really hot. And so, they showed up and I was talking to them, and I just paid zero attention to this chick that we had all gone to dinner with, because I quite frankly didn’t like her attitude.
And so, she sees me, over the course of a couple of hours, talking to all these other women, who are obviously displaying signs of interest. And I remember at one point in the evening, I was sitting down in my chair, and then she came over and whispered in my ear and basically asked if we could go somewhere where we can be alone. I was thinking, “Alright.” I mean, I didn’t have to talk to her or anything beyond the dinner, and then just her seeing me interacting with a bunch of other women, especially women that were, quite frankly, better looking and more attractive than her, she basically came over and became really aggressive and invited me to go be alone with her.
Obviously, I paid the bill. We went back to my house and hooked up. And the next day she was talking to a girlfriend. She’s like, “Did you like Corey?” And she’s like, “No, I didn’t really like him.” And she’s like, “Well, why did you sleep with him?” She’s like, “Well, he wasn’t paying any attention to me. He was talking all these other girls that were there.” So it just goes to show, a woman that really wasn’t even into me will want to hook up just because you’re paying attention to other women.
So, with that philosophy in mind, you create the conditions, create the setup, if you’ve got a girl you really like, where you’re basically giving your time and attention to other women in the group. Especially if they’re attractive. It’s just amazing. I wrote about this in How To Be A 3% Man. It really has an amazing effect on women that are just kind of like, “Yeah, he’s okay.” But as soon as they see you talking to another girl or a girl that’s prettier, it changes everything for them. I mean, it’s like a light switch. So, with that in mind, let’s go through this particular guy’s email and apply that philosophy to this specific case.
I recently finished my graduate degree. I’ve been looking for a position in my field and have been having some great interviews.
Well, you should definitely read “Mastering Yourself,” because I go into extensive detail on how to get any job you want. There’s also some videos that I did. Actually, one of them was called “How to Get Any Job You Want,” and you should be applying that philosophy. Because if you do that and you apply that system, you will definitely get a job in the field that you want. And typically, you get paid more than you’re expecting to, because you create the conditions where you have multiple employers now competing for your services.
So, it’s great when women compete for your time and attention, because you get the best, and it’s also great to create the conditions where employers have to compete for you. Scarcity creates value, and if there’s only one of you and lots of people want to spend time with you, personally or professionally, you’re going to win.
In the meantime, I decided to take a job at a local, trendy grocery store so that I can pay my bills.
Well, that’s smart. This is what smart men do. It’s just one stepping stone in the endless staircase of life.
One of my coworkers is extremely beautiful and I often catch her looking at me. I would like to ask her out, but I have a strict “no dating your coworkers” rule that has always served me well.
Yeah, the flip side of that is if you do dip the pen and company ink and then you don’t decide to stay together long term, that can create problems, especially if you’re the one being the dumper. Then she’s gotten dumped, and you’re working together, and she has to see you every day. Typically, if it’s a good employee or a good coworker, they oftentimes can’t handle it and they end up leaving. There’s always a double edged sword to everything, so if you’re going to get involved with somebody from work, make sure you’re really into them and you’re not just looking to hook up.
I need the job right now, so I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. I hope to only be there a few weeks, so I plan on asking her out after I leave.
Here is my question. They say familiarity can dampen attraction. I’m enjoying getting to know her, but I can’t help but feel it will put me in the friendzone if I don’t ask her out soon. How should I behave towards her at work so that my chances of dating her after I leave remain high?
Well, I wouldn’t be thinking about what’s going to happen after you leave. You want to treat all women the same, as I discuss in “How To Be A 3% Man.” If you had ten women like her in your life, you would just be treating her like any other girl off the street. You wouldn’t be giving her too much of your time or your attention.
If you see her, you wave to her in the store, you smile, you go about your business. You don’t go out of your way to talk to her. You want her to be coming up to you. And if you’re going out with your friends, and say you’ve been shooting the shit at work, “Hey, what are you doing this week?” And you’re like, “Oh, I’m going out with my friends. We’re going to this bar, we’re going this club, we’re going to this restaurant, or we’re going to this food and wine or beer festival,” or whatever it happens to be. You can say, “Why don’t you get some of your girlfriends to go? We can all meet up and have a good time,” and invite her to go.
Remember, you want to think in terms of a smaller number of guys and a larger number of women. This is super important in order for this to work, because as Doc Love used to say, “when kitty cats compete, you win.” It’s amazing the effect that it has on women, even women that really aren’t that into you, when you’re surrounded by, you’re outnumbered by women, and there’s other women there that kind of like you as well. If two women notice that they both like the same guy, even though they might not have been that into that guy, they become way more interested and they start competing.
It’s just amazing how well that works and how it happens. But especially in a case like this, you want to create those conditions. And so, you’re not going to ask her out directly, but you’re going to invite her to do fun things with your group of people. I know people are going to go, “Well, what about group dates?” This isn’t a group date, because you haven’t asked her out. You’re creating the conditions outside of work to where the setup is such that she’s going to be just one of the girls that are there competing for your attention.
You don’t want to invite her and one of her girlfriends, and then you’ve got five dudes there. That’s not going to work well, because then it’s going to be great for the girls, but not great for you. So, you want to create the conditions where if you’ve got two or three guy friends and you already have three or four girls going out with you, and then two more creates the conditions where the guys are in the minority, and that just works wonders for your social life.
So, that’s the important way to go about it, because if she likes you and she sees you, you invite her, and you’re pleasant. You give her a hug when she shows up, “Oh, I’m so glad you could make it,” talk to her for a while. But then, as the conversation tends to evolve, you get busy talking to the other women in your group. And especially if they’re pretty, or prettier than her, then she’s going to have to try harder to get your attention.
And then you’ll want to notice things, like I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man”; Is she getting too close? Is she touching your arm? Is she bumping into you when you sit down at dinner? Does she sit right next to you? Or does she sit at the table with somebody else? Because maybe she’s not that into you. Maybe she’s into one of your friends, or whatever. Either way, you want to create the conditions where there’s more girls than guys there, because like I said, it works like absolute magic.
And if she really does like you, she’s going to want to get close to you. If she’s bumping into you, especially if you guys have been hanging out together all night, and she’s leaning against you, or her shoulder’s touching yours and she’s right there, you can just slowly put your arm around her and then slowly pull her in and go for the kiss. Start making out, hang out, have fun, hook up. Say, “Hey, let’s get out of here and go back to my place,” that kind of thing.
It’s also important for logistics if you are going with a bunch of your guy friends that you have your own mode of transportation, whether you’re driving – obviously you don’t want to drink and drive – but maybe you Uber. You want to have the ability, if things are going well with this particular girl, that you can dip on out and go someplace to be alone, because the whole process of seduction is to get closer and closer to a woman until you ultimately end up inside of her.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Office romances can be tricky and risky in today’s Me Too era. Instead of men asking women out directly from work, they should be looking for signs of romantic interest and doing things in a group setting. Men should focus on having fun and talking with other women from work than the women who they think have romantic interest in them. Women become very competitive when the men they like are talking to other women who also seem to be interested in them. This will cause women who actually have romantic interest to become more interested and try harder to get a guy’s attention and communicate their interest. Then the man simply just has to say yes to her advances, obvious interest and attempts to get his attention.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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