I Took Indifference Too Far & Got Dumped. Now She’s Back. What Now?

How to balance indifference & pursuing to attract women back effortlessly.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was seeing a new woman after a bad breakup. He took indifference too far and was too much of a cold fish. She dumped him. Eventually she came back, but he wasn’t prepared & didn’t set a date. When she circled back he was ready, set a date and the Indoor Olympics happened. He’s unsure of how to balance pursuing and indifference going forward. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “I Took Indifference Too Far & Got Dumped. Now She’s Back. What Now?”.

So this particular email is from a viewer. He had a bad break of about nine months ago, and then a few months later, he met the woman that he writes in about. And so it kind of looks like he was a little gun shy. Maybe he wasn’t even that into her, but eventually she ended up breaking things off with him because, as she later said in their text exchange, he made like zero effort to reach out. Plus she tried to lock him down to a commitment and he said no.

So I would say more than likely he probably wasn’t super into her at first, still stinging from the breakup that he had with his ex, and wasn’t really putting his full effort in with her. And he didn’t care too much until she dumped him. Because remember, rejection breeds obsession. So now she came back. But I guess he kind of admits he wasn’t a great student of 3% Man or Mastering Yourself, for that matter. But after his breakup, he realized he needed to get serious. Got back into it.

She reached out once, and then they just texted and he didn’t bother setting a date because, again, I don’t think he’d gone through the material or 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. And so after he hadn’t heard from her, he started going through it and realized that he missed an opportunity to set a date. She circled back again. He made a date. She kind of balked a little bit, and he held her feet to the fire. She came over. They hung out, had fun, hooked up, and one thing she said was like he made no effort to reach out, no effort to make her feel wanted or desired.

Like I said, he was probably still stinging from the breakup, wasn’t really super into her or into dating because again, he’s still thinking about the ex. I don’t know how long he was with her. But she eventually what it made her feel like was he didn’t care. And then she kind of backed away. He still didn’t seem to care. And then she broke things off. But at the end of the day, she came back. So now he’s like, well, she dumped me because I didn’t reach out enough and I made her feel like I didn’t care.

So obviously he’s worried about going the other way and pursuing too much because as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says if she screws it up, she’s got to fix it. She’s got to do all the reaching out, and all the setting dates. So the takeaway is that he should definitely be a little bit warmer towards her. Because again, she was trying to lock him down to a commitment and he was putting her off. “Oh, I’m not ready.” And it wasn’t until he got dumped that he started really caring.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ll write to you about this another time, but I had a massive soul crushing breakup 9 months ago and I threw myself back into your work. I’ve really dialed in my fitness, emotional reactivity, and purpose. Read 3% Man countless times, read Mastering Yourself, and started my own business. This story is about a woman I met after that groundbreaking breakup. I’d appreciate your guidance on applying your “7 Principles to Get an Ex Back” when the breakup reason is specifically about between-date communication and initiation.

Well, the way the book is laid out is that it is true the guy’s got to start the courtship. He has to pursue in the beginning. But women are natural pursuers. And so typically, as you’re making dates, usually just no more than you reach out once a week to set one date. And usually most women that are normal and healthy. By the second or third week, especially after you’ve slept together, they’ll start reaching out to you every couple of days. And then when that happens, you just make a date. And it’s important that you’re always happy to hear from her, “Hey, good to hear from you. It’s so nice to see your name pop up on my phone.” Whatever happens to be. In other words, she reaches out.

You want to make her feel good for reaching out to you. You want to make her feel like you’re glad to hear from her. You don’t want to be like a cold fish and act like you don’t give a shit or it’s not a big deal. Especially if you take it for granted. Because again, you can imagine a guy was going through a breakup, a new girl show, an interest. He’s still thinking about the ex. Probably. Sometimes he’s not replying right away, or he’s kind of cold or indifferent, especially when she starts trying to lock him down to a commitment. He’s still probably not over the ex yet. He’s kind of keeping her at arm’s length. And then what happens, she starts to realize, “Oh wow, this guy’s not really into me.” And then she starts to back away. And when she starts to back away, then he starts to care. And especially if she dumps him.

I dated a woman over this past summer. We were non-exclusive. In person, things were great. Strong chemistry, affection, fun dates, and a lot of quality time. Where we struggled was between dates. She wanted more consistent initiation/reassurance from me during the “gaps,” and she told me trust and safety are priorities for her early on. Early on she made a bid for exclusivity, and I rebuffed it. I moved slower, was still healing from the big breakup, and wanted to keep things non-exclusive at that stage.

So he probably kind of made her feel like she was just a booty call and a rebound, and he wasn’t that into her. And women want to be in a love story, and especially if they’ve got a healthy self-esteem. You’re not going to be able to get away with that for very long. You’re not going to be able to get away with a girl like that being in your rotation for very long, because she’ll just move on.

After that, she went dark for about two weeks, then came back and we resumed dating. After a weekend camping trip, which went great, she ended things over the phone. Her “final nail in the coffin” was her belief that she wouldn’t hear from me unless she reached out first. Her framing was essentially, “If I don’t text you, I’ll never hear from you.” She broke it off right before a three-week trip to Europe. She’s Polish-American.

Yeah, it looks like he just kind of took indifference too far and were too much of a cold fish. Especially if a girl is trying to lock you down and you’re like, “no, no, no.” And she’s hitting you up all the time, and you’re probably noncommittal at times. Because, again, you’re still feeling like shit because of the breakup that you went through. And so on enough occasions, you made her feel like you didn’t care. It was just kind of a rebound or a booty call. She wasn’t that important. There were are probably times where she didn’t reach out at all, just to see if you would reach out, and then you didn’t.

She get frustrated and upset. Maybe she’d say something to you, and still you’d kind of dismiss it because you were emotionally and mentally checked out. Because you’re still focusing on the ex, which under normal circumstances, you know, that’s where most guys are going to be focused anyways. Even if the new girl is great and treating you great, if you’re still licking your wounds over the ex, you’re just not going to be totally present.

After the breakup call, I sent one calm message acknowledging her feedback, recognizing I under-communicated between dates and that it read as indifference, but it wasn’t indifference, and I left the door open, “Let me know if you change your mind”. She went quiet during the trip. When she got back, she texted me and thanked me for the message. She reiterated that men have historically made her feel disposable.

So let me read that again. “She reiterated that men have historically made her feel disposable.” So in other words, her experience is going out and dating guys and they just don’t give a shit. They’re not that into her. She pulls back, realizes that they just really don’t care. And then she dips. So she presupposes that he didn’t give a shit because he, again, he was cold and indifferent and too distant because again, he’s still just going through a breakup.

Here, I goofed. I played it “too cool”. I forgot to assume she wanted to see me, and I didn’t lead to set up a date.

So in other words, she goes on a trip, then reaches back out, instead of setting a date like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, he just texted back and forth and then it went nowhere. And then she later tells him in the text exchange that she was hoping that he would want to see her. But the fact that he didn’t ask again, she took that personally because she’s like, I’m reaching out to this guy and he doesn’t want to get together. So she assumed he didn’t like her. And so that probably was a microcosm of how he was. You know, the idea is you wait to hear from her because what happens is, if you’re following the book, usually by the third or fourth week, she’s calling and texting you every couple of days or every day. When that’s happening, there’s no reason to initiate contact.

But if she’s reaching out to you and you’re acting like a zombie at times, you’re acting cold. You act like you don’t want to see her. She reaches out every day, and you only invite her to do something once a week. Because, again, you’re still not over the ex. And she realized she’s constantly reaching out and you’re barely willing and wanting to see her. So based on her past, you made her feel like she was disposable. In other words, you just wanted to get together when you needed a sexual release. And other than that, it was like, see you later. So you definitely took the indifference too far to the point where you just really made her feel like he didn’t care. In other words, if she reached out, you’re happy to get together and hook up. But other than that, you couldn’t give two shits.

Later, when we reconnected in person, she told me that she had in fact wanted to see me, but that my reply annoyed her and felt dismissive, so she didn’t proceed further at the time.

So again, he’s being a little too much of a cold fish and acting like he just didn’t give a shit. So the idea is you’re supposed to be warm. When a girl reaches out, “Hey, babes, good to hear from you. Hey, you. It’s nice to see your name pop up in my phone. I want to see you.” So, in other words, as soon as she reaches out, you’re happy to hear from her. You’re kind of giving her, like, a virtual hug, if you will. You’re like, it’s just like you think of it as, like the little girl going, daddy, do you love me? It’s like, of course, baby, I love you. Of course daddy loves you. Anybody that’s a parent understands that.

Fast forward a couple months. I assumed she was gone for good and had moved on, but she circled back again and reached out.

Why? Rejection breeds obsession. Even though, despite the fact she didn’t like it, she still couldn’t help but be attracted to him. Because women are designed to get our attention. They naturally and innately will do this.

This time I stayed warm, assumed she wanted to see me, and invited her over to cook dinner together. She resisted a bit at first, suggested coffee, but I stayed steady, never pressed the issue, never double texted, and she ultimately came over.

If I remember right, in the text, she was like, oh, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. And again, your job as the appointment setter is to get a firm commitment for her to come over. I don’t think it’s a good idea. Honey. I think it’s a great idea. I want to see you. You reached out. Obviously you missed me. I miss you, too. Let’s get together. Again. What you need is like, she’s just hesitant because she’s like, daddy, do you love me? And he’s like, of course I love you, baby. Daddy. I don’t think you really mean it. Of course I do, honey, let’s get together. I want to see you. Okay. When? Because women are trying to do is make it easy for you to dip if you really don’t want to see them. And so part of her reaching out is just trying to see.

Does he really care? Because the last time she reached out, he didn’t even invite her over or invite her to get together. So she assumed he didn’t like her. But still, months go by and she’s still thinking about him because he did nothing. And then she reaches out and she’s like, are you sure you want to see me? And he’s like, of course, are you really sure? He’s like, yes, babe, let’s get together. So just think of it from that perspective. It’s like, in other words, they want to make it easy for you to dip if you really don’t want to be there. But deep down, they’re really hoping that you do.

The night went well, we talked, reconnected, and we both won gold at the Indoor Olympics. One nuance that may matter. I don’t believe attraction was the issue; comfort and consistency was.

Well, you made her feel like you didn’t give a shit and she even said so. When she reached out that last time and you didn’t even invite her over, she was disappointed. She was making it easy to get together. And you didn’t for whatever reason. Maybe it was the breakup. Maybe you were unsure of what to do. But the bottom line is you weren’t like, oh, it’s so good to hear from you, honey. You were like, get the fuck away from me. That was the vibe you gave off.

Chemistry and attraction were strong. She literally said multiple times, “you were always good at this part” in between me kissing and romancing her, while she kept trying to have, “A conversation about us”, and I’ve been told by women generally that I’m solid on attraction.

In other words, you act like a man. You’re hard to figure out. It’s a scientific fact women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Women like you way more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. It’s just the way they are. They’re wired that way. Because it forces them to get our attention. And then we give them our strength, our presence, and then we beat up their pelvis.

My challenge is likely that I can give off “player” energy unless I intentionally fill the comfort bucket, even when my intentions are serious.

Well dude, again, her own words were you were like “a cold fish.” And again she reached out and he didn’t make a date with her. So you were continually making her feel like she was a bother to you. Like you didn’t want her around. So again, just think of it. When your woman reaches out, it’s like a little girl going, daddy, do you love me? And if you’re a little cold and distant, she’s like, are you sure you love me, daddy? Because I don’t think you love me. It’s like, baby, of course you’re my number one. I want to see you. Come on, sit in my lap and tell me all about it.

So just think about it from that perspective. It’s a little girl wanting to be loved. So love her. Love is allowing. But you can’t be a cold fish and a dick and act like you don’t care. Act like you’re annoyed. I’d say a big part of it is that you took her for granted because it came so easily after your breakup, and you were really focused on the ex, and not the fact that this girl you were seeing was treating you pretty good.

Main question. In the re-entry phase, do you still recommend strict, “She does 100% of the calling and texting” until she’s come over three times in a row.

Yes, until she’s come over three times in a row.

Even when her stated breakup reason was my lack of initiation and communication between dates?

Well, the lack of communication and initiation wasn’t really the issue. The issue is you were a cold fish and kind of a dick, and you acted like you didn’t want her around. So she left. And when she left, you didn’t seem to be bothered that she left. That’s why she took off. So it’s important. You just took it a little too far. Because, again, you were going through a breakup. So most guys would probably feel that way. They would say that you were emotionally unavailable.

Obviously you’d never find yourself in this position but if you did, how would you handle it?

Well, dude, how the fuck do you think I learned this? I went through this hell. I wrote about it in my book, My ex girlfriend with a daughter. I was back and forth with her so many times that I had to figure out what the sweet spot was, because sometimes when she’d come back, I’d be too cold and too indifferent. She’d be warm at first. Then as the weeks went by, then she would start to fade away. And then I realized I was being too cold, too detached, too emotionless, and just more often than not, I act like I didn’t want her around. So I took things too far. But I eventually learned the sweet spot and that is what became the book. He says he’s attached screenshots, which I went through, but there’s really no meat in there that really is kind of necessary to go through.

Text screenshots attached. Thank you so much for your work, you’ve changed countless lives, including my own.

Thanks

Bob

So at the end of the day dude this is a very easy situation to fix. And you know, your question about she doing all the reaching out, even though she says that’s why she dumped you? Well what happened? Months went by. She still reached out. Even though she said she broke up with you because you never reached out. When you broke up, you never reached out. And yet she still came back. And when she came back that first time, what happened? You talked to her, but you didn’t ask her to get together. So she was miffed that you didn’t ask her to get together. But despite the fact that you didn’t ask her to get together, and she said she dumped you because you didn’t initiate, what happened? She initiated again. And then on that one, you made a date, and then you hung out, had fun and hooked up.

So despite what the woman is saying. She supposedly dumped you because you never initiated. But yet, despite your lack of initiation, she continued to pursue you. You see how that works? So what a woman says she wants and she likes and she responds to. Well, if we look at her actions, well, her actions are the opposite of what she claimed. So and again, I’ve been teaching this 20 years. I learned this the hard way. And you’re even seeing it yourself here. You just got to be a little warmer. Again, just think of it as a little girl going, daddy, do you love me? It’s like a baby of course. Are you sure? Daddy, I don’t think you mean it. Baby. Of course. You’re my number one. I don’t know, I don’t think you really mean. It’s like, babe, I do. Come over here and sit in my lap.

So just think of it that way. She doubts you love her, you reassure her, and you let her come back. So again, she’s the one that ended it. So what you’ve got to do differently. This time is just be warmer. Be glad to hear from her. Hey, you. I was about to text you. You say that occasionally. I was going to call you, or I was thinking about you, and boom, your number shows up my phone. It’s such a good part of my day. I want to see you. What are you doing later? I want to see your face. Let’s get together.

Just think of it that way, and make the date. So you’re already back in. You’ve just got to let her do the reaching out. And if she complains maybe three different times over several weeks. Once a week, you can reach out and surprise her in a different way. Maybe it’s an email one time, just sending her a quick note, maybe you text her. Maybe once in a while you call, maybe once in a while you FaceTime, but at the end of the day, if her interest is high and you’re warm, when she’s like, daddy, do you love me? And you’re like, of course, baby. She’s like, oh, daddy loves me.

Then they’ll purr like a kitten. But when you act like a dick and a cold fish, you act like you don’t want her around. And so eventually, when you act like you don’t want her around and you treat her like that long enough, most normal women eventually are going to get the message and go, okay, well, I guess you don’t want me around. So be glad to hear from her. Be nice to her. Reward her reaching out with getting more of your time. So again, this is why we’re coming into understanding the book and knowing it backwards and forwards will prevent you from getting bamboozled by the things that women say.

Because 99% of the time when a woman says what she wants, if you give that to her, she’ll actually respond better to not. I know it kind of doesn’t make sense, but that’s the way they are. They’re designed to get our attention. But the important thing is when they try to get our attention, you got to give it to them and you got to reassure them. Just like the little girl. Think of it as the little girl inside of her that desperately wants daddy’s love and attention. So again, be happy. Be excited when she reaches out. And then make the next get together.

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