I Was A Cold Fish & Lost Her

What you should do if you have been a cold fish to your woman, feel like you’ve lost her and now she is backing away and wants space.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who originally found my work after his friend with benefits of two years stuck him firmly in platonic friends zone. He admits he has only read my book five times so far and should have learned it better, but due to continued mistakes on his part, difficulty changing old behaviors and trying to force things, his now girlfriend is backing away once again, asking for space and even told him that she has been expecting him to break up with her for a while.

He says he is having a hard time opening her up and getting her to feel close to him again since she has asked for space. It’s a great email that illustrates how bad behavior, fears and making unnecessary mistakes can continue to plague a guy’s attempt to become more consistently successful with women. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hi Coach,

I have both your books, but have only read “How To Be A 3% Man” about 5 times and dropped the ball for various reasons and feel like an idiot.

(Well, I say it all the time. If you want to learn this stuff, and you want to not make the same kind of mistakes you’ve been making, you’ve got to read it 10-15 times. Because when you only read it and handful of times, you start making unnecessary mistakes. It is literally a paradigm shift. It’s a change in the way you think and the way you look at things.

You haven’t gotten rid of old programming, and that’s where reading the book 10-15 times comes in handy, because when you’re in the middle of something, you don’t have time to think things out or remember what was on page 150. You’ve got to be able to act instinctively, where things just come and they flow. You understand a philosophy. It’s a way of thinking. It’s not like every single thing that’s in the book is set in stone, and it’s an unbreakable rule. The idea is to do more things right than you do wrong.)

I managed to get a girl back I had been friends with benefits with for two years within 3 months of learning your material.

(A lot of guys get some success, and they’re like, “Hey, I’ve got it. She’s all over me. She’s in love. I don’t need to read this thing 10-15 times,” and they always neglect the relationship stuff. Those skills come later on in the relationship, and if you’re not ready for them, you’ll start fumbling the football.)

I went no contact, and it worked.

(The reason you go no contact is if it’s a negotiation. She’s offering platonic friendship and being stuck in friendzone, a nonsexual relationship, and you’re not interested in that. Continuing to try to convince somebody, begging and pleading with her to change her mind, is weakness.

A man who values himself, loves himself and knows he’s got a lot to offer somebody is just going to say, “Give me a call if you change your mind,” and he goes on. You deserve somebody that’s going to make an mutual effort. You’re not doing no contact to use a technique. It’s just that she’s unwilling to give you the terms you want.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You walk away when you get a shit deal, because if you stick around with friendship, thinking things are going to change, then you’re really a fucking chump. And then you’re just wasting your life hoping things are going to change with her, as she continues to lose respect because you’re sticking around and putting up with being stuck in friendzone.)

Within 2 months of the “new me,” she said I love you, which she had never said in the first two years of our “friendship.” Anyway, to cut a long story short, for various reasons I still felt she wasn’t fully committing to our relationship, even though she called 3 times a day, etc. and was much more attentive than she had ever been before.

(She’s not matching an unreasonable expectation you have. What’s the underlying fear? “I’m not good enough. She’s never going to love me. She doesn’t like me.” Therefore, what does the guy do? He tries to force things. He calls too much. “How come you don’t love me enough?” Everything is, what can I do to make her say “I love you” or “I want to be with you” more than she has?

Why does he try to force it? Because he doesn’t believe in himself. He doesn’t see himself as being worthy of that. When you have really convinced yourself that you’re not worthy, you’re going to try to force it by trying to force contact, trying to call too much, do too much, way too soon, and that just scares a woman until she runs away and backs off.

These are old things you did in the past, and you stopped to a large degree, but now over time as you’ve been back together again, you’re drifting back to the old way that you used to be because, again, you only read the book five times. Because you didn’t learn the material, you weren’t prepared.)

And because of this, I said two or three things trying to be distant, thinking it would help her come forward.

(You probably said things that gave her the impression that you didn’t give a fuck about her, because you’re trying to play games with her and act like you don’t care, thinking it will make her want you more. But the idea is to speak from your heart, what you want, what you’d like her to do differently or how you want her to treat you, and then you give her the option to do it or not.)

She did refer to these things at the time, but didn’t make too big a deal about them.

(Well, guess what, women don’t forget those things. They remember, because it affects their emotions and how they feel.)

Anyway, two weeks ago she mentioned that she thought I wasn’t bothered about her as much, even though I’ve continued to date her, take her out, etc. and tell her how lovely she is, but she’s dwelled on these two or three occasions I’ve been an arse.

(You can see it’s had a negative effect. You think you’ve taken her out and done these things, however, she’s remembering how it made her feel. You made her feel you didn’t give a fuck, yet you’re still hanging out and hooking up. She’s starting to form the perception that she’s just a booty call, and you really don’t care about her, because you’re trying to manipulate her by acting like you don’t care. That’s not what I teach.

You reward good behavior with more of your time and attention. And with bad behavior, you give them the gift of missing you. What’s going on here is, she’s not as affectionate and as loving as you would like her to be, so in essence, you’re throwing a tantrum and punishing her by withdrawing. More than likely, that’s something you learned in childhood. That’s passive aggressive behavior.)

I said that was silly and apologized for making her feel like that and that I loved her very much, which I thought I showed her all the time.

(You should have said you were sorry that you hurt her and made her feel like you didn’t care about her. That’s the right way to handle that kind of apology.)

I tried to turn it around, but with her being so busy with stress at work, (she works shifts in a hospital), I haven’t had a good chance to sit her down and talk.

(You’re focused on being serious, instead of just being a lot of fun to hang out with and hook up with.)

Anyway, last week she sat down with me after we went out for a meal, and I tried to open her up, as she seemed stressed.

(That’s a good thing to do if you’re following what I talk about in “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” but I can tell a lot of your actions are driven by fear and you’re trying to force things, because you’re worried about where you stand.)

She came back with things about work, but it got onto us. She said she feels differently and wanted space to think, because she had expected me to break up with her for a while, and after that previous talk.

(Yes, because you gave her the impression that you didn’t care. But now that you’re starting to force things again and try to force her to feel a certain way, instead of letting her feel a certain way, she feels forced. When women say they need space, it means they’re feeling smothered.)

She had still been calling and texting every day and wanting to see me up to that point and has even told me she loves me since at the end of a couple of phone calls.

(You’re convinced that she’s not into you. So even though she professes her love, deep down you’re like, I don’t believe it. And because you don’t believe her, it’s almost as if you’re lying and don’t really mean it.)

I’ve given her space, as she asked and am now 4 days into it after she last called.

(When a woman says she needs space, you’ve got to give her space. Then when she reaches out, tell her you’d like to see her.)

Given I need to try and break her walls down again,

(It’s not about remaining distant. It’s about honoring her wishes. She said she wants space. You’ve got to give her space and time away from you to wonder about you and to think about you. If you try to force more interaction and force her to spend more time with you, that communicates to her you can’t handle it emotionally. You can’t handle the distance and you can’t handle not hearing from her, which is going to make you look weak in her eyes. This will make her back away and test even more),

should I still remain distant while she wants time to get her head clear and rebuild attraction first, and then try, or just wait and try and start having fun again? She’s the love of my life, and I want to make her happy.

Thanks for any reply, you’re awesome.

Bob

(All you really need to do is some subtle tweaking here. I would wait to hear from her, and when you do, assume she wants to see you and make a date. Stop trying to create a big confrontation, because it’s obvious you’re focused on this, and you’re trying to change her behavior forcefully, instead of just being a great guy to date, being a great boyfriend to hang out with, to have fun with and to hook up with.

You’re being way too serious, and you’re creating unnecessary drama. Part of the problem is you don’t know the book well enough, so you’re trying to use techniques, instead of just showing up and being natural.)

“Human beings most often react to the way they think things are or the way they think they should be, instead of reacting the way that is most appropriate. This includes responding to other people in ways learned in childhood, which often are flawed or inappropriate. Irrational fears, flawed thinking and limiting beliefs tend to make us react from a place of scarcity and fear. Actions based upon scarcity or fear tend to be more forceful and freedom robbing, thereby causing a loss of attraction and a desire to get away. Actions based upon abundance tend to be more non-attached, easy-going, patient and freedom enhancing which increases attraction and a desire to get closer.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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