I Was Her Boyfriend, Now I’m Just Her Backup Plan

What you should do if you are no longer her boyfriend but are simply a backup plan until she finds someone better.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend of one year dumped him a few months ago. He found my work shortly after and went no contact. She got in touch after three months and they became friends with benefits. He was still needy and exercised no emotional self-control. She lied about being on dating apps to his face, but he still wants her back.

Despite being jerked around, his emotions are blinding him to reality. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This guy was dating his girlfriend for about a year, and he got dumped several months ago. Then he came across my work, started reading 3% Man, and started employing what he saw and learned in the article I’ve done called “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” So, after about three months of no contact, she came back into the picture. But recently, one of his friends found her on the dating app Hinge, even though they’ve kind of been like friends of benefits. Even though it said it she was a new member, it was a new profile, she was claiming to him, “Oh, that’s an old profile.” So, obviously, he caught her in a lie, but because he’s so into her, he’s just blinded by reality.

This email really brings up a good point. When a guy is emotionally invested in a woman, it’s just doesn’t matter how many red flags are around, he just keeps going and doesn’t pay attention to them. And this can be dangerous for men, and women, for that matter. You can have people that are displaying all kinds of red flags in their behavior, low integrity behavior, but because you care about them and you’re emotionally invested in them, you allow them to get away with all of this stuff. And then it just never ends well.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve made a big, big mistake. Prepare for a BIG “Come on, man.”

Come on, man! There’s plenty of “come on, man” behavior in this.

My girlfriend of 1 year dumped me a few months back. Thankfully, I found your work quickly after that and used your “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” and successfully attracted her back into my life after 3 months of no contact. She made it clear from the beginning she wanted sex, and sex only, but I missed her like crazy, so I agreed.

So, her emotions and feelings were gone, but she wanted to get some. She was clear in her intent, but he was determined to stimulate her emotions again.

We continued to date and see each other regularly over the past 3 months or so, as her attraction for me grew. I was focusing solely on hanging out, having fun and hooking up while allowing her to come to me. Little did I know, however, that I was subtly overpursuing.

I’m shocked.

Her attraction peaked at what I believe to be a 7-8 at the beginning of February but has declined slowly over the past month to a 5-6. Old emotions began to stir up inside of me, as I felt her pulling away from me, this girl I was once head over heels in love with.

In other words, he started to lose his shit and lose control because he doesn’t have his emotions together.

I decided I would pull back to try and reignite attraction, but my friend then sent me a screenshot of a recently made dating profile she had set up on the Hinge app. My friend told me I had to get rid of her, and she was taking me for a ride.

Sounds like a good friend.

Something inside of me just flipped and I called her up in an instant to confront her.

Yeah, like you’re going to get the truth. If somebody’s already lying to your face and then you confront them, guess what? They’re going to probably continue to lie. Why? Because they’re a liar. That’s what they do. It’s like the scorpion and the frog analogy. So, what does he do?

I spilled my guts out to her. I wasn’t happy that after all this time she would still want to date other guys, and I just became a total control freak beta male, telling her I was cutting her out of my life.

So, the reality is, in all honesty, she told him up front, “Hey, I just want sex. Nothing else.” But he was saying, “I’ve got Corey’s book. I’m going to get her!” Just because you can get her doesn’t mean you should get her. Because, I mean, after three years, if this is the way she behaves, you’re dealing with a chick who has no integrity. She has no problem lying to your face.

So, what she’s really doing is keeping you around for the sex, and in all honestly, she did tell you up front that that’s what she wanted. And so, you’re a backup plan. You’re not a priority to her. And the fact that you’re still pursuing a woman who treats you this way and you’re still doing the opposite of what I teach, it’s like you’re inviting this into your life. You’re inviting her to do this, and you’re enabling her ratchet behavior.

Interestingly, she actually lied to me and said that they were old profiles, despite “just joined” being next to her name.

It’s like, come on! It’s so obvious.

After I hung up the phone, I felt instant regret. I waited until the following afternoon to apologize for my behavior and, by some miracle, she responded rather calmly and with understanding. She asked me to take some time to figure out what I want and to let her know, as she still wanted to see me romantically. 

But obviously we all know the thirst is real. Maybe I should get a mug, “The Thirst Is Real.” What do you guys think? Would you like one of those? You can get these mugs at Spring.com in the Coach Corey Wayne store, of course. Your support is greatly appreciated. Hope you enjoyed the shameless plug.

We now have a date set for next weekend. But I need to ask, if I’ve just given all of my power away by spilling my guts, asking for a relationship and making my feelings crystal clear, why does she still want to see me? 

Bob

Because she hadn’t found anybody that she likes better. And obviously the sex must be good, because she keeps coming back for more. But the reality is, you caught her in a lie. You can’t fix that. You’ve just exposed this girl. And there’s probably been lots of other signs of disrespect and lying. Even one of your close friends is like, “Dude, kick her to the curb. She’s lying to you. You’re getting punked.” But he’s like, “Please, please, can I have another, please? Jerk me around some more!”

So you’ve got to see reality as it is, not worse than it is or better than it is, which is what you’re seeing. You’re seeing things as way better than they really are. You are dealing with a girl who is a liar. She lies to your face. So, if it was me and I was in this position, and you’re crazy enough to want to keep sleeping with her, I’d never call her, never text her. If she reaches out, invite her over, hang out, have fun and hook up at your place.

I would definitely wear a raincoat, because more than likely she ain’t faithful to you. She’s probably going to be getting it from somebody else, and she’s entertaining other guys. So, ideally, what you really should do is cut her out of your life completely and create a space for people who have integrity. Because when you tolerate people that don’t have integrity in your life, you’re telling the universe, “I’m okay with this. Please send some more my way.” The universe will respond and send you more of those people, and then you’ll keep getting screwed over and you’ll keep attracting the same people over and over.

And so, when you see this lack of integrity in your life, ideally what you should be doing is seeing reality as it is, boot them out of your life, and move on. Because you can’t make good wine from bad grapes, and you’ve got some bad grapes here, dude. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it is what it is. Don’t call her, don’t text her for any reason.

If she reaches out, invite her to your place. Don’t take her out, don’t spend money on her. Again, if you’re going to sleep with her still, I’d wear a raincoat, because you don’t know what she’s doing. And the bottom line is, if she’s lying to you about all these things, then she’s lying to you about other things. And she just thinks she can get away with it, because you’re putting up with it and you’re inviting her to treat you this way.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. If you act weak and don’t stand up for yourself, you will invite people into your life who take advantage of you. If you are a man who is too nice to women, you will attract women who will jerk you around, treat you like a doormat and display all kinds of disrespectful behavior towards you. Women can’t love men who they don’t respect and admire.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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